| Issue #1: Recently, our town has been gripped in an epic battle to decide if it will become smoke free. In other words, YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN MY RESTURANT ANYMORE (if it passes). The side against the ban is of to a bad start as their signs say "Vote against February 10th" Apparantly these people have something against the month of February. "February has been a thorn on societies side since day one. We must fight until everyday is gone. We have succeeded in ridding it of the 30th and 31st, and we have reached a compromise with the 29th that it will only come once every four years. Now is the time to rid the 10th! Viva la March! Viva la January!" The way I see it, you have the right to smoke (even though choosing to do so is probably the worst decision you can make), but if you start damaging the lungs of those who don't want to poison themselves with over 100 carcinogens then we're going to take away your precious crap sticks. Smokers say that if one doesn't want to get second hand in a resturant then they just shouldn't eat there. Practically every resturant in [name of town] has a smoking section. The only place I would be able to eat at is fast-food, and I've had about enough of that. Besides, there's no reason why I should be driven from my resturant because a bunch of jerks can't go outside to smoke.
Issue #2: Apparantly Bush is opposed to same-sex marriages. I'm having trouble understanding why people are so much against gays when our culture thrives on them. Will and Grace is one of America's most highly watched shows and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is a smash hit. Ellen Degeneras (Spelling?) is a hit as a talk show host. In the 1950s Truman Capote was the toast of the elite. We're even called "homo" sapiens. So what's the problem. Some people think same-sex marriage is evil. It's kind of weird I'll admit, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. To those of you who are against gays: If they get married, will it really do anything to you besides make you angry? If not, then what are you angry over? Today is a historical day for [name of town]. It is February 10th and the vote for a Smoke Free city is today. We won't find out if the ban passed until late tonight, but it is sure to be one of the most anticipated outcomes our town has ever seen. Will the "protect your rights" people win or will it be the "protect your right to breathe clean air" people. A loyal reader (my sister) gave the following opinion on the ban. "I just want to make a brief comment regarding the smoking issue. I live in California where they do not allow smoking in ANY public areas, including bars and restaurants. Many places have outdoor areas where people can go to smoke. I don't hear anyone complaining about it here and I think we are all the better for it. It has been accepted as the norm and people just deal with it. It is one thing if you want to ruin your own health, it's another if you want to be able to harm someone else." Well, back home, the ban is only for resturants. Any other public place is okay, so apparantly we can smoke in movie theatres, schools, nursing homes, etc. It's a start. Hopefully, if the ban passes, the no smoking area will increase to all public places like in California. By the way, I just want to point this out. I read this in the book Runaway Jury: Cigarettes are the only products on the market that can kill you when used exactly how they were intended to be used. You might argue that guns were made to kill people, but they are actually made to protect people (yeah, that worked out great). Think about that before you go vote. Rejoice for the smoking ban has passed. The ban was passed with only a 400 or so votes of difference. The new law officially starts today, but will not be reinforced for another thirty days. Whoo hooo!!! The anti-ban people are already planning to try to take down the system. There is talk that, after the first person is fined for smoking in a public area, they will take it to court. Here's how the case will go: Smoker- I was fined for smoking in a resturant. This violates my rights! Judge- Well you guys just had a vote, and I believe it was decided that, no, it does not violate your rights. We just passed a law that pretty much prevents you from winning an appeal. Then there was talk about taking this to the Supreme Court. Well, the SC didn't stop California from taking away their ban, so I don't think they'll consent to a small town. In other news, Schools are planning on putting the students' body mass index on report cards. My parents recieved a letter on February 6th saying that if they didn't want the mass to appear on the card, they should sign the form provided and return it by FEBRUARY 6TH! So now my parents won't have to look at me to know I'm husky. They can just read it on the card. Parents know when their kids are fat. They don't need a report card to tell them that. 1st order of business. While going to school today I came across a familiar stoplight and intersection. We pulled to a halt and looked to the left of us. A car had apparantly turned right onto the street we were on and then stopped. A woman was leaning out the window of the car and was talking someone in the left turn lane. Behind her was a car right in the middle of a turn, but blocked by her. Behind that car were three others waiting to turn. Then the cars across from us got a green light, but could not go straight because this lady was chatting with someone. In the end, the only people with the ability to move was our lane. ?What surprised me the most was that no one honked their horn at this imbecile. What was weirder was that she had a cell phone and seemed to be switching between talking to the person on the other end and the guy in the truck. Finally the lady, on her own precious time, decided to leave. Unfortunately she left before I successfully let the air out of her tires. I guess this is sort of our Valentine's Day issue considering the holiday will be over by the next issue. Our high school is giving its own celebration by selling carnations that will be delivered to whoever you want. If you ask me (I know you didn't ask me, but I'm telling you anyway) this holiday is meaningless among highschoolers. Couples in high school already celebrate monthly anniversarys (12 in one year renders them sort of meaningless) and some even celebrate weekly ones. They don't need another day. They've already overused the days they've got to the point of them being just another day. "Oh today's Friday. Remember we met on a Friday. We have to celebrate today. And tomorrow, because the day after we met was on a Saturday so we have to celebrate then too." The point is, high school couple already have about 127 days for celebrating their "love" as it is. Valentine's Day is just another day. One more thing. The school advertised the carnations as a gift for your friends (not your significant other). Let's just say that most of my friends are male, and I would be seriously freaked if on of them gave me a carnation. Whenever I get insomnia, I get weird (well, weirder). Every time, it all starts out with the light bothering me. First I notice the crack under my door is spewing out too much light. So I take my pillows and shove them under the door. Then it still seems too bright. I look at my clock and realize it is the culprit. I shove random knickknacks around it till it is pitch black in my room. My bed starts feeling weird (mainly because my pillows are being used to block the light) so I take off all the sheets and begin remaking it. That usually doesn't work. I begin thinking that the position of things in my room is creating a negative aura. I start rearranging things on my shelves until they're all facing the same way and are lined up from shortest to tallest. Then I usually take thirty minutes trying to decide whether the Gods would be more pleased with my books arranged alphabetically, or by length. I finally decide on alphabetically, but my room still doesn't have a positive aura. The furniture! I rush around the room, moving my bed and desk around until I feel the positive glow of my room. But it's not ready yet. I rush out of my room and grab a bottle of 409. I wipe the walls frantically, trying to get them white. Then I rummage through my Dad's toolbox until I find an electric sander. I start sanding the ceiling until all those little bumps on it are gone. At around 3 o'clock in the morning, I've usually just finished laminating my floors, and power waxing anything that is made of wood or starts with a "w". Finally my room is good and I can sleep now. But I never can get back to sleep. Last night I found out why. The hallway light was finally off after Dad went to sleep and I crouched down to get my pillows, but I felt a negative aura. The rest of the house wasn't right yet! Quickly thinking I got a phone book and called a cleaning service to come it and scrub everything and a contractor to build a koi pond in our living room. Meanwhile, lack of sleep had taken its toll and I began to look like a drug addict. I had a nervous twitch in my eye, and I can't talk without screaming "Brains! Brains! Need brains!" After running to Wal-Mart to buy a dream catcher (or twenty) I realized it was almost daytime. School was near. I needed to get sleep. Even if it was only a little. I began injecting myself with NyQuil, shoved a gallon of milk in the microwave. By now the sun came up and I was forced to face school while high on NyQuil. Fortunately I was able to sleep through my less important classes (such as math and English). When I returned home I found that everything I had done that night had been undone. Here we go again. Sarcastaman’s Daily Rant Dear Readers, As we have taken the time to point out every single chance we get, our 50th issue is coming up. Basically this means we have way too much free time on our hands. Normally 50 issues isn't too exciting, but for us this is big. Eric made a comment yesterday about how we still have fresh new ideas. Well, I gotta tell ya, I just have no ideas whatsoever. Usually one comes to me five minutes before I have to rap it up, and I write like hell trying to get something slightly amusing on "paper". Whenever I just can't think of something I do one of my continuing adventures of Sarcastaman (which you guys read yesterday). But I really want to know: what exactly do you think of them? I know that Eric absolutely loves them, but what do you guys think. Are they boring and pointless? Are they stupid and horrible? Are they the most wonderful pieces of nonsense you ever read? I ask because I do them more than often, and if you haven't almost died because you choked on a muffin because you laughed so hard, then I haven't done my part in this newsletter. And while you’re at it, go to my site and submit a question to me (please. I-I just can't think of anything else to say). If you want to hear me discuss something that I haven't yet discussed, give me something. If you supply the topic then I have more time to think of original material. Thanks. To voice your opinion on the continuing adventures of Sarcastaman. E-mail us at ezosoronews@hotmail.com To submit a question go to www.oocities.org/groan.html Dear Sarcastaman, Why do teachers need answer guides? Dear Reader, A teacher will ask their students a basic question, yet have to look up the answer to see if they’re right. Shouldn’t they know the answer? After all they are teachers. It is a well-known fact among the student body that teachers aren’t as bright as they make themselves seem. However, students have not got the message out to the rest of the world because exposing the ignorance of the faculty comes under severe punishment. Ever hear a news story about a kid who tragically died in a chemistry experiment? You can bet that was no accident. That student was planning on getting the secret out. In fact most teachers don’t know the basic fundamentals of their subject. What they do is watch a presentation of their subject of the Discovery Channel, and memorize it, presenting it as their own. But when a child asks “why?” answer guides are a lifesaver. Dear Sarcastaman, What does U.K. stand for? I’ve heard it on several news broadcasts and I’m curious to know. Dear Reader U.K. stands for under konstruction. Every time someone refers to the U.K., they are referring to areas of road work, or other konstruction projects. Some people believe that U.K. is actually a name for Great Britain, but this is wrong. The reason so many people think this is that Great Britain is undergoing an extreme makeover, and much konstruction is going on there. Well it’s our fiftieth issue………………somehow I expected more excitement. Oh well. It may have taken us 120 odd days to get our 50 so called “daily” issues, but it was worth it. The entire newsletter crew (and by crew I mean me and Eric) has worked hard (and by work hard I mean we slacked off most of the time) everyday to bring you guys quality, uh, quality, um…well, whatever it is we bring you, we worked hard to make sure it’s kosher. Fifty issues to some is merely just fifty issues, but considering I thought we’d get bored of this after about sixteen or so, I’m proud to reach this marking point. Now that we finally have a weekend issue, we might actually be able to send fifty issues in fifty days. Plus I now know how to send this thing out “all by myself!” So if Eric goes missing, you fine folks won’t miss out on another day of crap (but what quality crap it is). Apparently we’re doing something to celebrate this momentous occasion, but Eric never told me what it is, so I hope he picked something good (if anything). I may not know if we’re doing anything to celebrate, but is spite of that, I’ve decided to hold a giveaway of my own. Today starts the first ever Sarcastaman giveaway. None of you replied to whether or not you like my Adventures of Sarcastaman (I’m assuming it’s because you all hate them, and don’t want to make me angry), so here’s the contest. I want each of you to write a continuing adventure of Sarcastaman. I will print another one in the next issue so, if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you can see the kind of things I look for. Try to make the adventure about as long as my articles usually are. Mail in the adventure along with your name and address to ezosoronews@hotmail.com. I know some of you are probably worried that one of us is an axe murderer and will come to your home once we know where you live, but most of you probably know who we are, and will be okay with sending the information. The deadline for the contest will be Friday March 12th. Any received after that will be deleted. The winners will be announced on Monday March 15th. I will pick the top three and feature them on my newsletter. The grand prizewinner gets ten bucks in the mail. That’s right I’m throwing away money, got a problem with that? Actually I know this isn’t much, but I have limited funds. I promise that if I have another giveaway I’ll make the prize bigger. The 2nd and 3rd prizewinners get the satisfaction of having their adventure featured in my section. If none of you submit anything then you get jack squat, so give me an adventure, featuring yours truly as the hero (if I get killed off in your adventure then you are automatically disqualified), and you might get $10. |
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