| Idiocracy |
| A One Act Play By Sarcastaman Characters STEVE AVION- A young lawyer who is defending Cain Andrews. EVAN JONES- Another lawyer who is defending the 87th amendment. CAIN ANDREWS- An idiot on trial for being an idiot. JUDGE WILSON- a judge (king of obvious, huh?) THE BAILIFF- a bailiff (do I really have to tell you that?) Setting The play takes place in a courtroom in the year 2188. Idiocracy The curtain opens to reveal a typical courtroom setting. Upstage center is the judges stand bearing the U.S. seal. Immediately stage left of that is the witness booth. Downstage left and right are two identical tables. The one on the left has a pitcher of water, a briefcase, and two glasses. The one on the right has one chair, a pitcher of water, and one glass. Stage right has another table placed across the width of the stage. On the table there is a piece of paper with a giant "F" on it. Next to it is a videotape, and next to that is a book. The audience is used as the jury. Dead center are two chairs facing each other. Sitting in one is STEVE AVION and in the other is CAIN ANDREWS.The lights onstage are dim and a spotlight rests on the two nem. A bailiff walks up behind CAIN, holding a baton threatiningly. BAILIFF: You guys got ten minutes. STEVE: [glares at him, then turns to CAIN] So how are you? CAIN: How am !? I've been locked up for three months with barely enough food to keep me alive, I'm being forced to endure night after night of constant lonliness, I've experienced awful moments involving a bar of soap and a guy named Bubba, and now I'm about to go on trial for being myself! How the hell do you think I feel?! BAILIFF: [gives him a sharp whack with the baton] Keep it down Scruffy! STEVE: [glares at him again] I'm sorry, but you have to keep focused. CAIN: I know. [pause]. How's their evidence against me? STEVE: Well I'll be honest with you. It's pretty strong. But I can put a spin on most of it. We just might have a case. BAILIFF: [snorts] STEVE: Something funny? BAILIFF: [straightens himself] No. No. STEVE: Look, some of that stuff they can't even use against you. BAILIFF: [chuckles] STEVE: Do you mind? BAILIFF: [stands up straight, trying to control his laughter] sorry. STEVE: I'm certain you'll walk away a free man. BAILIFF: [bursts out laughing] I'm sorry...I-I'm sorry, but that dude's gonna fry. STEVE: [standing up] Look! We both know he's a dead man, but- CAIN: What?! I thought you said- STEVE: Just a minute Cain. [turning to the BAILIFF] But I'm trying to make him feel better, okay! BAILIFF: Okay [calms himself]. Sorry. STEVE: [sits down and turns to CAIN]. Now as I was saying, I think you'll be just fine. CAIN: [stares at him in disbelief] BAILIFF: Times up! [CAIN and STEVE jump at this remark. CAIN stands up, and the BAILIFF leads him out while humming the funeral march]. STEVE: [picks up the two chairs and returns them to the table on the left. He begins going through the papers in his briefcase. (EVAN JONES enters) EVAN: [walks onstage and, upon seeing STEVE, averts his eyes and walks to the other table. He places his briefcase on the table and goes through it. He keeps looking back at STEVE. Finally he turns toward him] So how ya doin'. [STEVE ignores him]. Well good luck today. STEVE: I don't need it. EVAN: With the evidence we've got, I'd say you need it in bulk. STEVE: None of your evidence can be successfully used against my client. I have yet to see anything that can be proven towards his charges. EVAN: Oh please! Have you been paying attention?! The man's an idiot. STEVE: That's no reason to lock him up and execute him horribly. EVAN: Yes it is! It's in the eighty-seventh amendment! STEVE: That ammendment should have never been written! It goes against all constitutional basis! EVAN: Idiots deserve to be killed. They're an inconvinience and a slight irritation. Thousands, nay millions can be save from annoyance by taking morons off the streets. STEVE: You know what this is like? EVAN: Not this again. STEVE: This is exactly what the NAZI stranglhold on Europe was about. We're merely ridding the world of those we feel are inferior. EVAN: That's because they are inferior Steve! STEVE: Families are being torn apart. EVAN: Leave the issues in your family out of this. STEVE: My family... EVAN: I didn't want the verdict to be guilty either, [puts his hand on STEVE's shoulder] but is was for the good of humanity. STEVE: [throws EVAN's hand off] Screw the good of humanity! EVAN: I lost an aunt, but I believe this is right. STEVE: What could be right about destroying the lives of innocent people. EVAN: Innocent?! These people aren't innocent! Do you realize how much stress has been reduced in this country since this started? STEVE: And what about the stress it's caused?! EVAN: The stress it's caused isn't even half of what it has saved. STEVE: But...what about my father. EVAN: He was an idiot. STEVE: And what about the things besides that? Did anyone take care to notice that he was also a good father, husband, provider, and giver to his community?! Do those traits mean nothing to you people? EVAN: He was a burden on society. So was my aunt, and so is the man you're defending. See you in court. [turns and begins to leave]. STEVE: What happened to you? You used to attend the protests with me. What made you change your mind? [EVAN doesn't say anything]. Well?! EVAN: I...I was...annoyed. STEVE: Annoyed? EVAN: I was running late. It was my wife and I's anniversery. I had forgotten the last year, and I was sure as hell not going to forget that year. I turned on the Maple Drive and met up with a blue Honda. Seven miles under the speed limit with it's left blinker on. Clearly no intention of turning. I almost lost my marriage because I was late. STEVE: The guy probably wasn't paying attention. EVAN: I flashed my lights. I honked my horn constantly. I gave him the finger so many times I strained it. Unless he was deaf, I think he was quite aware of my being there. And if he was blind, he was an idiot fof getting in his car alone! The ammendment has a right to stay. STEVE: As long as my father's memory lingers. I shall never join sides with you. EVAM: I'm sorry to hear that. STEVE: I don't need you to feel sorry for me. EVAN: I just don't want to see my best friend end up on death row for treason. STEVE: Your best friend is gone. EVAN: I heard you talking with Cain. You know he can't win this. STEVE: only because our courtrooms are run by fools. EVAN: The courtrooms run by fools?! STEVE: The people being tried are being tried by those who should be being tried. EVAN: What? STEVE: This is an idiocracy Evan. Don't forget that. [the lights go up onstage. The two men sit at opposite tables. The Bailiff enters] |
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