| BAILIFF: All rise for the honorable Judge Wilson. [STEVE and EVAN stand up. The BAILIFF exits. Judge Wilson enters and sits at the stand]. JUDGE: Bring forth the defendant! [the BAILIFF wheels in a dolly with CAIN tied to it elaborately. He is blidfolded and is wearing a Hannibal Lector-like mask. He is in a straightjacket and his hands and ankles are cuffed. A long length of rope ties him to the dolly. Piece by piece, the BAILIFF unties him and CAIN sits down by STEVE. The BAILIFF exits]. Cain Andrews, you are being charged with the crime of being a complete idiot. How do you plead. CAIN: Unguilty your honor. [STEVE slaps his forehead] JUDGE: Um...right then. Prosecution, you may begin. EVAN: [stands up] I'd like to call Mr. Cain Andrews to the stand! [CAIN stands and walks over to the witness stand. The BAILIFF enters with a bible]. BAILIFF: Raise your right hand. [CAIN immediately raises his left hand. STEVE drops his head oon the table and quickly motions to CAIN to switch hands. CAIN slowly raises his right hand (unsure of what to do), but keeps his left hand up as well. STEVE motions for him to put his left hand down, and CAIN follows his example]. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, Allah, Buddah, Zeus, Satan, or any other being you may choose to worship? CAIN: Yes. [The BAILIFF walks behind the evidence table and sets the bible down]. EVAN: [slowly making his way toward CAIN] Your name is Cain Andrews. Is it not? CAIN: It is. EVAN: And you were born June 15th, 2158? CAIN: Yes. EVAN: [walks to the evidence table and picks up the piece of paper] Can you identify this piece of paper? CAIN: It looks like my 4th grade spelling test. EVAN: You have a good memory. CAIN: Well, it says "4th grade spelling test" on it. EVAN: Oh. Okay, so would you read the grade on this particular test? CAIN: It's an "F". EVAN: [turns the paper to the audience] An "F"! [a spotlight zips to CAIN and people gasp. The lights then return to normal]. STEVE: Objection your honor! That test was taken twenty years ago! JUDGE: Overruled! STEVE: Overruled?! What do you mean overruled?! EVAN: Mister Avion, before you object further, let me first present...[he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a blue slip of paper] this! STEVE: And what might that be? EVAN: This is a list of the number of times Mr. Andrews failed the fourth grade. And that number of times is 15. [he hands the test to STEVE] And if you check the date on the test you will find that he only passed this test- STEVE: Five years ago. EVAN: That's right. Mr. Andrews dropped out of school last year, in eighth grade. [Spotlight on CAIN. People gasp. Lights return to normal]. This continuation of the fourth grade, clearly shows a lack of comprehension ability, and article six of the eighty-seventh plainly defines an idiot as having little comprehension. Object that, Mister Avion. Now, could it be in the last five years that Mister Andrews somehow raised his IQ 100 points. Doubtful, but not impossible. [He walks to the evidence table and picks up the tape.] Baliff, if you'd please. [Baliff exits.] Maybe this tape will help. [The Baliff re-enters, pushing a cart with a T.V. on it. He faces away from the audience, to the JUDGE. STEVE walks around to see. EVAN puts in the tape. As everyone watches the tape they get increasingly disgusted looks on their faces. Eventually the JUDGE leans over and vomits.] STEVE: Evan, what the hell is this?! EVAN: What? [EVAN, who had not been watching, walks over and looks at the screen. He immediately takes the tape out and hurls it offstage]. That's...uh...just something me and the wife did. [He exits and returns with another tape]. Here we go. [He puts in the tape and everyone watching gets increasingly shocked looks on their faces. The tape ends. STEVE sits down. The BAILIFF exits with the TV]. As you all saw, that was footage of Mr. Andrews purchasing a "for Dummies" book which I have right here. [he walks to the table and picks up the book]. Could you read the title, Mr. Andrews? CAIN: "Dummies Books for Dummies." EVAN: "Dummies Books for Dummies!" [the spotlight falls on CAIN. People gasp]. CAIN: No! [the lights return to normal]. I was just buying that for a friend! EVAN: Mr. Andrews, we found this book in your personal library. Now there's nothing wrong with buying one of those books. The "dummies" line is just a joke. But to buy one of those books to be able to understand on of those books proves you to be a bonified idiot! :STEVE: Objection JUDGE: What now? STEVE: I motion that that evidence be dismissed on the grounds that it-it...it really hurts my case. JUDGE: Denied. Please continue Mr. Jones. EVAN: Thank you, your honor. Now I just have a few more questions for you Mr. Andrews. Would yoy sooner describe yourself as a complete moron, or a magical elf in Santa's workshop? CAIN: Well, I guess complete moron would describe me more, but-- EVAN: Bailiff could you please repeat the previous statements, omitting the parts that make it completely irrelevant? BAILIFF: Mr. Jones asked, "Would you describe yourself as a complete moron?" to which Mr. Andrews replied. "I guess complete moron would describe me." EVAN: Thank you Bailiff. CAIN: But-- EVAN: Mr. Andrews, do you remember an incident at a Michigan Burger King two years ago? CAIN: No. EVAN: Questioning of a cashier reveals that upon ordering your food, you asked her for a warranty on the food, stateing, "if something should happen to it, I wouldn't want to have spent the money for nothing." What the hell Mr. Andrews? CAIN: What if I'd dropped it. I could be out three bucks. EVAN: Exactly how long were you planning on eating this burger? After all you asked for a thirty day warranty? CAIN: Well...I am a bachelor. I like having leftovers. EVAN: The next day you returned through the drive-thru and told them your order was "to go." Was that not obvious to you? CAIN: I didn't mean to say that. I just wasn't thinking. EVAN: Clearly. One final question. [quickly] Anidiotsayswhat? CAIN: What? EVAN: Prosecution rests your honor. [EVAN sits down]. JUDGE: Defense, present your case. STEVE: [stands up]. Now my opponent seems to be trying to make this case about IQ level. Article two of the eighty-seventh ammendment defines an idiot, not as one with a low IQ, but with a lack of common sense. None of the evidence I've seen attacks his common sense or lack thereof. Well...most of it doesn't. But even so I'd like to cross examine the evidence. Take the spelling test for example. My client is not a good speller. So what? Neither am I. I could look up words in a dictionary, but that takes time I don't have. Consequently, my papers have numerous grammatical erros. Does that make me an idiot? If it did I would be where Mr. Andrews is right now. Now about the book. You said you bought it for a friend. Did you not? CAIN: I did. STEVE: Who? CAIN: My friend Ralph. He thinks there funny. STEVE: So why did you still have it? CAIN: He was supposed to come into town the weekend I bought it, but his flight got cancelled, and I never got around to mailing it to him. STEVE: Well it seems there's a logical explination for everythin. EVAN: What about the warranty of the burger? JUDGE: Yes, what about the warranty? CAIN: What about the warranty indeed. STEVE: [looks at CAIN and shakes his head]. Well, did any of you stop to think that maybe he was joking? Come on. He's not that stupid. EVAN: Or is he? CAIN: He makes a good point. [STEVE signals for his to shut up]. STEVE: Most of this evidence is a load of bull. Defense rests. [he sits down]. JUDGE: You may now make your closing statements. EVAN: [stands up and speaks to the imaginary jury]. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. So many of you have gone about your daily lives only to run into a moron. Think about how you felt when he or she ruined your day by saying or doing something stupid. Remember how much you wanted to strangle them. Now look at this man. Does he not seem like one of those people? Forget the evidence and look at what you saw today in this courtroom. The man couldn't even tell his right hand from his left. Think of that poor cashier at Burger King. Think of all the people this man will annoy. Do we want him walking the streets. I think not. [he sits down and STEVE stands up]. STEVE: The man who sits before you is not a bright man-- CAIN: Hey! STEVE: But he is no idiot. Sure he trips over cordless phones, and sure he ran over a dog...in a parked car. Sure he bought a cell phone that needs to be plugged in to use, and sure he defends his cat whenever is maims a helpless child. Sure he...um...Oh my God. JUDGE: What is it? STEVE: I've been wrong... JUDGE: What's going on? STEVE: I just realized... JUDGE: Realized what Mr. Avion. STEVE: Your honor, idiots do deserve to be locked up! And that man is one! [he sits down]. CAIN: What?! JUDGE: The jury will now decide the verdict. [the BAILIFF walks over and hands him a folded slip of paper]. What is this? BAILIFF: The verdict. JUDGE: How could you have the verdict already. BAILIFF: They decided before the trial began. JUDGE: They can't do that! Make them decide again. BAILIFF: Well... they kind of already left. JUDGE: Okay. Whatever. [he unfolds the paper]. Cain Andrews, please rise. [he does]. You are herby declared...GUILTY! BAILIFF: WOOOOOOOO! In your face dude! CAIN: N-no. No! JUDGE: We will now decide your mode of death. Bring forth the wheel of fortune! [the BAILIFF runs off and comes back on pushing a giant spinner. On the spinner are different types of death including: grated and salted, upside down crucifixtion, human dart board, woodchipper, rusty hacksaw, and mystery death]. Take it away Bailiff. BAILIFF: I love this part. [he spins it. Once it stops spinnin, he nudges it so it lands on woodchipper]. All righ! Wood chipper! [he runs over and high-fives the JUDGE, then tries to do the same for CAIN. When CAIN doesn't high-five him back, he runs to EVAN and they bump bellies. He beginns chanting "woodchipper" until the JUDGE silences him. He walks over to CAIN and cuffs him then drags him across the stage]. CAIN: No! No! I am not an idiot! I am a man! No! I want to live! [The BAILIFF drags him offstage. The JUDGE exits]. EVAN: What made you chage your mind. STEVE: Well I'll tell you. [the lights dim and a spotlight falls on him]. I always thought morons were people too, but now I realize that they're not. I noticed all the stupid things he did in the courtroom, and I saw that no good, decent people would do such things. In the end I just couldn't bring myself to save him. My father may have been special to me, but my admiration for him blinded me to his idiotic nature. Idiots do deserve to be mutilated and killed horribly. I'm sorry I doubted you old friend. [the lights return to normal]. EVAN: It's okay. Come on. We've got an execution to attend. [they exit]. THE END |
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