USASA
Some information to help you live in it
By David Schneider
I t may surprise some of you out there to learn that every single student is a member of USASA. Membership is automatically conferred upon your august person the moment you had over that amenities fee, pretty neat, huh? It means that you don't have to go through all that tedious mucking about with signing up, filling in membership forms, wondering if you're allowed to drink in the bar and all sorts of other irritating things that might in some way detract from the wild and fun filled life style that is being a student in these enlightened times. Anyway, it has come to the attention of the powers that be that many of you have a quite limited knowledge concerning your very own Student's Association. Apart from the fact that this is appalling, and that you should all be very ashamed of yourselves, it was decided that some sort of action should be taken to rectify this quite unsatisfactory state of affairs. The option of sending hired goons to peoples houses was initially proposed, but it was pointed out that this would be time consuming and expensive, and so it was eventually decided to prepare an article for publication in Entropy*. The result is the pearl of wisdom you currently hold in your hot little hands. So read on, and enjoy. Remember, there will be a test on this at the end of the week.
President: This person is the head honcho of USASA. The big cheese, numero uno, top dog, the big cuhoona, the captain of the team, and so on. As such they get to Chair USASA Council and the Executive Committee, sit on a million committees, walk around with an air of confidence, and otherwise appear omnipotent, wise and terribly clever. This is quite interesting given the fact that the President really has no power at all. The Presidents real job is simply to distract people away from the real power, and to make soothing noises to students when they have a complaint. If you wish to achieve anything, under no circumstances approach the President.
General Manager: This is the top boss guy of USASA's staff. Much like the President this guy's primary function is to run interference. The General Manager liases with business and the University frequently. It is his job to try and make it look like there is someone at the controls of USASA, and that someone actually knows what is going on at any given moment. This process involves doing up lots of charts and figures on what has been going on, retrospectively analysing them, and then dressing up the results as USASA policy.
USASA Council: This is the peak body of USASA. All representatives elected to Central Office each year sit on this body. In theory this group of people is supposed to run USASA by setting policy, making decisions, and otherwise trying to be wise, temperate, and foresighted. It is in actual fact nothing of the sort. Because there are no real requirements to be on Council, other than being a UniSA student, human and alive, any clown can be elected to sit on Council. As you can imagine there are any number of people who develop overwhelming feelings of self worth once they are elected to Council. Once this has happened they can pretty much be written off as a useful member of society. Ordinary members should avoid USASA Council at all costs. If you must have dealings with them you are strongly urged to take a guide and an interpreter.
Committees: In USASA there are an almost infinite number of committees, working parties and other little groups empowered to go off, discuss particular issues and then report back to Council with their findings for approval. These things are scary. People who sit on these committees often have no real idea about the topic the committee is supposed to be working on. More importantly the person chairing the committee is generally someone who was unable to come up with a really good excuse for why they shouldn't and is as interested in being there as a cat at a dog show. Working Parties and Committees also have a bad habit of vanishing without trace, and if you're standing too close to one when it vanishes, you just might go with it. There is still a search party out looking for the Capital Development Working Party, which went missing at the end of last year and hasn't been seen since.
Honorarium: Many positions within USASA attract an honorarium. The idea is that you don't get paid, you are granted an honorarium in an effort to reimburse you for the time and effort you put in. The only problem is that an honorarium is set for the year and cannot be changed. This means that if a representative gets an honorarium for three days a week and works five, it's stiff bikkies time, the honorarium will not change. It also means that if the representative decides that doing work is a Bad Idea and doesn't show up, they will continue to receive honorarium unhindered. The very best bit about honorariums is that they were set in 1994 and have not gone up with inflation in all that time. If you wish to get a position in USASA so that you can live on an honorarium, FORGET IT! It ain't gonna happen.
Election: This is a period in which student representatives are selected for the following year. During this time you will be approached by many people who are, to all intents and purposes, completely insane, off their trolley, missed the last bus to sanity city, and are otherwise not really playing with a full deck. These people will attempt to get you to vote in the election and will hassle you mercilessly until you have done so. The best thing you can do to stop these crazy people from bothering you is to vote as soon as possible. Once you have actually cast a ballot the candidates will immediately lose interest in the fact that you even exist. Tormenting candidates by asking them questions can often prove amusing as 90% of the time the candidate in question will have no real idea about issues affecting students.
Returning Officer: This person runs the election, and their name appears on everything to do with the election. Because of the inconvenience caused to students by elections, the Returning Officer seldom shows themselves in public for fear of being lynched by a bunch of rampaging students who have been hassled by one would be politician too many.
Branches: Each campus of UniSA has a Branch Office of USASA located upon it, with representatives elected to represent and look out for the concerns of the students on the campus specifically, and to integrate these concerns into the overall representation provided by USASA. This is a fine idea that doesn't work. People on one branch often don't talk to Central USASA, let alone anyone from a different branch. Additionally people on one branch may completely hate the guts of people on another branch. When talking to branch representatives use simple words, speak clearly and slowly, and under no circumstances make any sudden movements.
Branch Director: This person is supposed to coordinate the activities of the branch on a particular campus. Again, fine idea, but - On the positive side this person usually has a nice office in which they can hide and wonder about why exactly they wanted this job anyway. Branch Directors are usually noticeable for their wild eyed expression. When talking with try to use soothing tones, smile a lot and try to generate an aura of calm. Branch Directors have a high burn out rate and often develop nervous twitches.
Central USASA: This is the place that coordinates the activities of all six USASA branches and all financial activities. The key staff members, President and Central Reps are all based here. Centrals main job involves making sure that the wheels don't come off, and trying desperately to delegate tasks and responsibility to anyone who happens to be walking close by at the time. Never, under any circumstances, approach Central USASA because they WILL try and get you to do things for them. People from Central USASA will seldom be aware of exactly what day it is, who is in government at present, or specifically where they live.
USASA Executive: This is a sort of Star Chamber where all the real decisions get made. If you ever actually want to achieve anything, this is the place to go. Members of Executive go through a special ceremony to prepare them for their duties - the exact details of this ritual are shrouded in secrecy. Executive members are recognisable by their smug expressions, the gleam of secret knowledge in their eyes, and the secret handshakes they give one another. Executive members are prone to making cryptic remarks and bursting spontaneously into laughter for no readily apparent reason. Approach with caution.
This article has been prepared so as to better acquaint students with the inner workings of their Student's Association. This is demonstrative of USASA's love and trust in you. Give thanks for USASA's keen desire to protect the interests of all it's members. Remember, Serve USASA, USASA is your friend.