A First Year's Guide to University
By David Schneider
Hi to all of you new students our there, and welcome to the University of South Australia. Congratulations on making it to the wide wonderful world of tertiary level education. The first thing you must do is slow your breathing, try to think calm thoughts, and for God's sake STOP PANICING!!!!! There, now that's better isn't it? We here at your Student's Association have already been through many of the experiences that are about to befall your hapless person, and so, as a way of rendering you yet another valuable service, this article has been prepared in order to explain many of the term and functions that you will encounter over the next few years.
Austudy: This is a marvellous little scheme by which the government can treat adults up to the age of 25 as children. It also allows them to pretend that they're doing you a great favour whilst giving you another debt that you can put on the mantelpiece next to your HECS debt.
Cafeterias: Enter at own risk.
Campus Bars: These are great places that serve fermented vegetable drinks. All students should appraise themselves with the location of their campus bar as a matter of urgency. Bars are great places to find elected representatives, see bands, and attempt to dazzle the opposite sex with your wit, charm and sparkling personality - unless they're a visual arts student, in which case forget it.
Course Coordinator: This is the person who is in charge of your course. Their job is to make sure that the course is running smoothly, to approve applications for status, and to generally make sure that the whole thing doesn't go down in a screaming heap. If you have any difficulties with your course, this is the person you must see. Unfortunately for students no one is allowed to become a course coordinator unless they have completed advanced courses in camouflage, evasion and covert operations. This means that you must go to some lengths in order to actually find one. The Student's Association recommends that the best way of seeing a course coordinator is to dig a pit trap outside their office door.
Dean: This person is the Head Honcho of your Faculty. They get a bigger office than a Head of School. They are responsible for keeping the Faculty's show on the road. This means that many people will need to speak to them. Unfortunately Deans seem to believe that they are the modern day equivalent of Feudal Lords. As a result they have developed elaborate systems to prevent anyone from bothering them, the not least formidable of which is a secretary who has orders to lay down their life if necessary. The best way to see a Dean is to storm their office using an SAS strike team.
Education Students: Don't mess with them, or they'll get your kids.
Education Minister: This is a member of the government placed in charge of education matters by the Prime Minister. This person is selected for their lack of knowledge of (or interest in) matters dealing with education. This person's primary functions are to raise revenue for the Treasury, manufacture fictitious families to substantiate dubious statistics, and to generally creatively interpret facts to prove whatever they happen to want proved at the time.
Enrolment: This is a process carried out at the start of each academic year. Theoretically this period is where you select your subjects for the upcoming year and officially become a student. In actual fact it is nothing of the sort. The sole purpose of enrolment is to put you through several hours of hell in an effort to break your spirit, thus making you easier to control for the rest of the year. The entire enrolment process has been deliberately designed by the University so as to be impossible to complete without something going badly wrong. Common occurrences include being sent to the wrong table/building/campus, being enrolled in the wrong subject/course/faculty, or just needing the signature of some lecturer who has to all intents and purposes vanished from the face of the earth. In recent years the Federal Government became aware of the torture to which students were being subjected, and not wishing to be left out, they decided that this would be an ideal time to sign away thousands of dollars in HECS fees.
Essay: Something that a lecturer makes you do because they can't be bothered teaching you things.
Exam: A quaint little idea which is the modern day equivalent of trial by combat. Exams are especially designed to test rote knowledge so that you can forget everything immediately after the exam and thereby not have your mind cluttered up with all that useless information.
HECS: This stands for the Higher Education Contribution Scheme. This is a scheme dreamed up by some people, who had already received a free education, to make everyone else who wants a job where you don't have to say "Do you want fries with that?" pay through the nose. This is essentially the government's way of giving you your very own piece of the deficit to pay off for them.
Lecturer: This is a person employed by the University to teach you things. These people will mark your work and will write encouraging little comments upon your returned essays such as "You have no future" and "You have missed the point of this entire course". Lecturers can frequently be seen wandering the corridors with cups of coffee in their hands trying very hard to look nonchalant. Lecturers are unpredictable creatures and should be approached with caution.
Nursing Students: Don't mess with them or they'll get you when you're sick.
Presentation: Something that a lecturer makes students in tutorial groups do as an alternative to doing any work themselves.
Security: University security are great folks who protect the campuses from various nefarious souls and otherwise make sure that folks aren?t boxing the place up and shipping it home. They also can provide escorts to people at night, which is kind of nice and almost makes up for their irritating habit of locking up everything in sight.
Students: Annoying things that keep getting in the way of the smooth functioning of the University Bureaucracy.
Subject: This is something that the University makes you do to fill in the several years of your course. Occasionally the content of a subject bears some resemblance to what your award is supposed to be about.
Text Book: Something that you will buy and put on your shelf to impress visitors. Under no circumstances to be read. Textbooks contain all sorts of disturbing ideas and concepts and should be avoided.
University of South Australia Student's Association (USASA): 1. A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes. 2. A bunch of warm wonderful human beings dedicating their every waking moment to making YOUR life as a student better and brighter. Look for them in the bars. On the floor.
Video: Something a lecturer plays to the class when they've lost their lecture notes.
Witch Hunt: Something indulged in by the University when it makes a massive mistake.
That concludes this list of important terms and functions related to life here in the good old University of South Australia. We hope it has provided some insight into it'd day-to-day functioning. The Student's Association wishes you luck in your upcoming academic career and reminds you that as long as everyone stays calm nobody will get hurt.