For the Recruits
By Corporal Schneider
This article is intended to allow the new recruits to understand how the military functions, and why it functions that way. This will be achieved by discussing some of the things that will be encountered in the first few weeks of your cadet life.
Non-Commissioned Officers: NCOs are corporals, sergeants and so forth. These people will be responsible for your safety and well-being. This means that they will spend a great of time yelling at you, or staring skywards asking God why they always get the stupid ones. Many cadets are of the opinion that NCOs have suffered extensive brain damage, however this has been scientifically disproved.
Uniforms: These are garments of green cloth that you will be required to wear. They are specifically designed to be either too small or too big. The last known time that a uniform fit was 1914. You will be required to work on them for many hours to bring them up to "parade standard"; unfortunately it is physically impossible to do this.
Chain of Command: This is a system dreamed up by an officer to prevent him from being bothered by anyone under his command.
Chain of Blame: This is the system used by an officer when something goes wrong. The officer blames the Cadet Under Officer. He blames the Warrant Officer. The Warrant Officer blames the Sergeant. The Sergeant blames the Corporal who in turn blames the Lance Corporal. He passes it onto the advanced cadets who give it to the senior cadets. The senior cadets then lay the blame on the recruits. So if anything goes wrong the recruits are always blamed.
Cadet Under Officer: CUO is the highest rank attainable by cadets. However no one is exactly sure what it is they do. All that is known with any certainly is that they get very angry if a lower rank fails to salute them.
Warrant Officer: This is the only Non-commissioned rank allowed to wear a peaked cap. Their sole function is to try and trick lower ranks into saluting them so that they can give hour-long lectures on who you salute and who you don't.
Discipline: This is something that NCOs always talk about when they want you to do something you don't want to.
Self Discipline: This is something that NCOs always talk about when they want you to get a haircut that all the girls are going to laugh at.
Drill: Something an NCO makes you do because he can't think of anything more interesting.
Recruit Training Course: This is a special course run during the Easter holidays to prevent you from having fun with your friends.
I hope this article has provided some insight into the workings of the military to all you recruits out there.