Election Spiels From the Candidates of The Stupid Hat Party in the 1999 UniSA Student's Association Election.
Andrew Hurford
STUPID HAT PARTY
In 1994 USASA was created by the forced amalgamation of six Student Unions who hated each others guts. By a startling coincidence, this largely reflects the history of The Stupid Hat Party. The history of The Stupid Hat Party is a tale of valiant heroism, martyrdom and piteous defeat. However I'm not going to tell you about that.
Instead I'm going to talk about the fact that there are many people who, through no fault of their own, have been recruited by political parties other than The Stupid Hat Party. These sad individuals have little comprehension of the implications of headgear to the history of humanity, nor about the role of cheese in the world economy.
These people are to be pitied, rather than hunted down, killed, and turned into lounge furniture as the Party Right advocates. I would like to further deny allegations that The Stupid Hat Party wishes to introduce random fridge checks in order to determine peoples loyalty to cheese consumption - there simply aren't enough hours in the day.
"The Stupid Hat Party - the only Party to deliver its promises - because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US!
Bec Salvado
STUPID HAT PARTY
As the elected leader of The Women's Collective for Bringing Down the Male Patriarchy by the Mass Distribution of Solidified Dairy Products and an end to Wearing of Skirts Over Pants, I urge you to consider your vote very carefully. If you let your vote go to the wrong people, the damn thing may well get broken - one thing's for sure, you'll never get the stains out.
As a proud member of The Stupid Hat Party, I offer you absolutely nothing in return for your vote. As a matter of fact, I'll go even further and urge - no, beg - you not to vote for me.
Privately, I feel that many of the injustices you suffer as a member of USASA are a direct result of the lack of good, quality cheese on campus and the inexplicable behaviour of wearing skirts over pants. If I am somehow elected to the position of President of USASA, I pledge to do nothing about either problem.
"The Stupid Hat Party - the only Party that delivers its promises - because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US.
Bridget Pepper
STUPID HAT PARTY
Stupid Hats.
Cheese.
That's it.
"The Stupid Hat Party - the only Party that delivers its promises - because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US.
Carie Yip
STUPID HAT PARTY
The Stupid Hat Party has lost it's way! Once we fought the forces of repression and elitist, counter hatterism. Now we have become bogged down in factional infighting over the provision of solidified dairy products to The People. Yes, the provision of cheese in all its forms is an important social issue, however it pales in comparison to the desperate disparity we find in the area of stupid headgear.
The Stupid Hat Party has been torn into multiple factions over Cheese issues! The time has come for younger and wiser members of The Party to seize the initiative and begin the process of reform. It is past time for our Great Party to be returned to a period of peace and stability.
The major issue of concern to our Party is the implementation of our Stupid Hat Policy, all other policies are secondary. This Party factionalism has allowed successive USASA Student Councils to blatantly defy the wishes of The People, and to conduct themselves in a disgracefully hatless fashion.
Well no more. We must act now to bring order, and Stupid Hats, to a USASA under the benevolent reign of The Stupid Hat Party.
"The Stupid Hat Party , the only Party that delivers on its promises , because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US!
Casey Langley
STUPID HAT PARTY
The time of reckoning is upon us! If you have never voted before, I beseech you to do so in this USASA election. There was a time when nobody paid for a tertiary education (not even postgraduate degrees) and cheese of every variety was available for those members who were keen enough to look for it. The Hay days of USASA are sadly at an end. Gone are the times when a student could freely stroll into a USASA shop and order a nice head of edam or perhaps gorgonzola. All of the great statesmen of contemporary society have piggy backed their way into notoriety on the undeniable advantage given to them by a cheese providing Student's Association.
Now, these gurus of political ideology are pulling up the drawbridge. No longer content with the realisation that they have succeeded in their climb to the upper echelons of Australian society on the strength of publicly funded tertiary education and a cheese based philosophical standpoint, these very same contemporary political icons are now engaged in a deliberate attempt to stifle the approaches of all possible successors by ruthlessly eradicating all trace of palatable cheese style comestibles from the shelves of every USASA fridge.
What the ruling class wanna-be power hoarding maniacs fail to realise is the deadly game of dairy product Russian roulette they have commenced with the voting public of the University of South Australia.
Enough is enough, I say! If you want to ensure a future where contemporary thinkers are freely clad in ridiculous head garments and consuming cheese without fear of recrimination, DON'T VOTE FOR ME!
"The Stupid Hat Party - the only Party that delivers its promises - because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US!
Gemma Noone
STUPID HAT PARTY
When the progressive Stupid Hat Party was forged, the people were buoyed - they could finally see the light at the end of the political tunnel. As the leader of the United Machine For A Cheese Based Republic - the dominant faction within The Party - I took it upon myself to lead the Stupid Hat Party out of the political darkness and into the dark waters of political irrelevance where it belongs.
Heralded as the New Right (and believe me it cost a lot of money to hire that herald) of the Stupid Hat Party, I promise that if I am elected, I will not do a thing on your behalf. If elected, I will never turn up to work, defy all attempts USASA will make to coerce me into performing my duty, and boast to all my friends at the Exeter about how hard it is to be the focal point of The People's wishes.
Rest assured, I will not do any of the following:
- Spend vast amounts of money sending myself to a conference for the sole purpose of getting "action".
- Run up an enormous mobile phone bill largely due to phone calls I make to my mates.
-Turn up at work at 3 in the afternoon, surf the net on the work computer and go home at 5pm, complaining about how demanding responsibility can be.
Remember - a vote for me is a vote for Stupid Hats, cheese reform and futility.
"The Stupid Hat Party - the only Party that delivers its promises - because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US!
Karim Ghaddab
STUPID HAT PARTY
Well, let's face it. Democracy within USASA is just about dead. Student Representatives walk the corridors bare headed. First year students wander the campuses in ignorance of their rights to education, happiness and cheese. Hours of diligent research in the USASA bars has shown the true culprit behind these travesties of Justice! Yes! The USASA General Manager!
Sadly we now live under the yoke of a USASA dominated by a counter-dairy, hatless Senior Management, bent upon repressing the democratic ideals that high quality dairy products and amusing headgear have come to personify in our society.
Spies within USASA have reported that the Senior Management even now plots to replace wholesome dairy products with varieties of salami and other meats, and to replace the fundamental role of Stupid Hats with towels! This is clearly wrong! Successive USASA Councils have allowed Senior Management too much latitude! Undermining democratic principles is one thing, but interfering with cheese provision is quite another!
Resist! Fight the forces of reactionary counter-dairyism, and act to bring about a cheese based utopia!
"The Stupid Hat Party - the only Party that delivers on its promises - because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US!
Kate Davies
STUPID HAT PARTY
Y'know, a lot of people ask me "Kate, why is it you've never single handedly rescued the Earth in a dazzling display of your super powers?" And to these people I say stop watching television, you are getting it confused with reality again.
What really concerns me as a practicing member of the Church of The Holy Punnet of Greek Feta Cheese, is the appalling lack of head decoration exhibited by the students enrolled at the University of South Australia. I was recently indulging in a cucumber sandwich luncheon with my Sisters from the Church of The Holy Punnet of Greek Feta Cheese at that fine southern institution, Flinders University. I can barely describe the sheer euphoria I felt when I saw the dazzling array of headgear that my fellow citizens were permitted to boldly exhibit in a brilliant display of flair, grace and inspirational creativity.
I am here to tell you that I have SEEN how a University can really be run. It's a thing of Carmen Miranda like genius and is probably the reason behind the coining of the phrase "The Sun always shines at Flinders". To all of you who have toiled in the shadow of a comical head dress free, conservative administration, I say "Follow the shoe - it's a sign!!" There is a way out of this quagmire of cheese free labour and it is a path free from osteoporosis and sunburnt scalps. As a messenger of hope, I am glad tp tell you that there is a way - and it's over there!
"The Stupid Hat Party - the only Party to deliver on its promises - because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US!
Kirsty Webb
STUPID HAT PARTY
We in the Stupid Hat Party have many firm opinions on many and varied topics. In fact, it is a core belief of our Party that we must maintain a series of firm and immovable opinions on a wide range of topics from cheese provision, to the use of nuclear weapons as a deterrent to academic misconduct.
If, for example, you walked up to me right now and asked me about The Parties position on, say, unilateral strategic custard pie limitation treaties, I'd be able to give you a firm, concise and intellectual policy statement like a shot.
Indeed we have many highly talented and skilled individuals sitting around every day developing policies and view points on such unlikely topics as invasion by Daleks and Cybermen, just on the off chance that someone asks us about them. Without being immodest, I think that I can safely say that our Party possesses the most comprehensive range of policies for unlikely things in the world.
For those of us in The Stupid Hat Party, it's not just a job, it's a calling. Did you ever think about Apes taking over the world like in those Planet of the Apes movies? Well, we've actually got a policy about it! Pretty cool, huh?
No need for thanks, it's my job.
"The Stupid Hat Party - the only party that delivers it's promises - because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US!
Laine Croser
STUPID HAT PARTY
I believe, as do those of my Faction within The Party, that the provision of solidified dairy products to the masses is of imperative importance to the continuance of Student Control of Student Affairs in a free and democratic USASA.
Though my Faction has lost influence within The Party, I am not bitter. In fact, with the support of The People, in this election, I shall be able to garner enough strength to build A Brave New World. Yes! Imagine a world in which dairy products are freely available from any USASA office or shop. A world in which people wearing Stupid Hats stroll the corridors without fear of being called a Visual Arts Student!
Yes, this is my dream. A new Golden Age of fashion and dairy dominance, ushered in by the wise and noble leaders of The Stupid Hat Party.
"The Stupid Hat Party - the only party that delivers it's promises - because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US!
Laura Christy
STUPID HAT PARTY
The other day I was watching re-runs of Ren and Stimpy when my friend David Schneider rang, asking me to join the Stupid Hat Party. "Why?" I asked. "Because it's an ORDER!", he said. So, after much thought, and having read an extensively researched leaflet prepared by The Stupid Hat Party about the cheese shortage at UniSA I decided that perhaps I should get involved. David promised me that there was no way I would get elected, so I thought, "What the hell". So here goes,
DON"T VOTE FOR ME!
"The Stupid Hat Party - the only Party to deliver on it's promises - because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US!
Melissa Haimes
STUPID HAT PARTY
As I cast my eye over the desolate wasteland that is tertiary education, I cannot help but feel comically apathetic about your needs. That's why, if I'm elected (and I must remind you not to vote for me) I fully intend to wear a Silly Hat and finally put the equitable distribution of cheese on the national agenda. With NUS as my all powerful medium for national (if not international) communication, those who have neglected the cheese issue in this country will be FORCED to democratically resolve the matter once and for all.
No longer will USASA be free to dodge the question of long overdue higher education cheese reform - The People shall speak! As the whipping girl of David Schneider, head of The Coalition For The People's Needs For Cheese faction of The Stupid Hat Party, I will insist that an Annual General Meeting be convened to discuss the mechanics of putting the cheese debate to The People, via a special Referendum.
Yours in futility...
"The Stupid Hat Party - The only Party to deliver on it's promises - because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US!
Ronan Eaton
STUPID HAT PARTY
As a member of the most powerful and influential faction within The Stupid Hat Party (The United Machine For A Cheese Based Republic), I have the benefit of being a very important person who has people sucking up to me all the time. As you might guess, this is particularly tiresome.
I mean, yes, I have used my position within The Party to go through the female Party membership like baked beans through a cowboy convention - but it's such an effort. The life of a significant figure within The Party is full of getting laid, yelling at people, looking like I'm doing something when I'm not, and generally trying to look out for my own best interests.
Apparently we're also in favour of cheese and Stupid Hats, but I've been rather wrapped up in myself lately, so I'm not overly sure. For the future I must say that I'm looking forward to a profitable career in USASA where I don't do particularly much at all, other than claim the credit for other people's work.
"The Stupid Hat Party - the Party that delivers on it's promises - because it promises nor to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US!
Sam Holmes
STUPID HAT PARTY
It seems that there is this thing that we all live in called "The Environment". Informed sources advise me that all sorts of tall woody crunchy things, called "trees", grow there. People who study this sort of thing also tell me that there are all sorts of small furry things called "animals", which pretty much have the run of this "Environment" joint.
And in all of this there's scarcely a bit of cheese to be seen, nor indeed do you spot any of these "animal" type things wearing Stupid Hats!
I'm sure that you'll agree with me that this is an appalling state of affairs. If I am elected, I'll act to ensure that environmental impact studies take into account the important ramifications of the Cheese Factor. I will also undertake to make sure that a program is developed and implemented to provide Stupid Hats for wildlife.
Sensible policies for a happier USASA.
"The Stupid Hat Party - the only Party to deliver it's promises - because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US!
Steven Ho
STUPID HAT PARTY
People will remember these days- the days when the only way to spot a student politician from a distance was to look for the figure-hugging chesty-bond shirt or the obligatory mobile phone, and you couldn't buy a decent Gouda to save your life. These are the days "before the Stupid Hat party dragged Student Politics Kicking and screaming into the new millennium", people will say.
Down with anonymous looking student politicians- down with having a placard forced into your hands at a seemingly innocent Barbecue- and down with the reprehensible manner in which these social miscreants neglect the cheese rights of their members!
The time has come to be bold, fellow member- the time has come for the mouse to roar, for the unbeatable to be toppled from their lofty idealistic high horses and for the masses to finally be heard- BRING ME THE CHEESE shall be our cry, as we swarm into the valley of neglect and fill it with the sweet smell of a variety of cheeses.
Cheese is a great meal
Cheese is not a meat
Cheese is not made of seal
Cheese tastes great
Cheese is yummy
Cheese makes you gain weight
Cheese goes in your tummy
Whatever you do, don't vote for us.
"The Stupid Hat Party - the only Party that delivers its promises - because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US!
Suet Fern Yap
STUPID HAT PARTY
As a woman I would like to deplore the appalling lack of representation of women within USASA, and the ever decreasing level of funding the USASA women's department receives.
Sadly I cannot do this, because I have no idea what I am talking about, and don't really care anyway. For I am a member of The Stupid Hat Party, and as such have slightly more important concerns.
Did you know that USASA has no policies pertaining to the appropriate use and purchase of hats or cheese? Admittedly USASA doesn't seem to have a policy about anything much, but that's besides the point.
The sad truth is that your Student Association has become a laughing stock at the National Union of Students. USASA delegates who attend the Annual NUS Beer Night and Partner Swap Conference are embarrassing us all with their ignorance of dairy affairs. The problem reached extreme levels last year when the then USASA President was regarded with derision and contempt at NUS for being unable to report upon the Howard Governments contemptible plan to ban cheese on campus as part of it's Voluntary Student Unionism legislation.
Act now to arrest the sad succession of Presidents that USASA has been forced to endure!
"The Stupid Hat Party - the only Party that delivers on its promises - because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US!
Wendy Page
STUPID HAT PARTY
I have decided to nominate for the position of President because as a student with a conscience, I can be silent no longer. As a Magill student, I feel that my grades have suffered as a direct result of the continuous neglect of USASA, particularly when it comes to the wearing of comical headgear on campus. One of my goals in this election is to say 'as a' as many times as possible, and this broadsheet is the ideal forum for achieving this objective.
As a member of The Stupid Hat Party (Disgruntled Militia For The Cultivation of Armpit Hair and Yoghurt faction) I will make it my MISSION to enforce the wearing of Stupid Hats by all Student Representatives. Think about it; how difficult would it be for junior political hacks to wine and dine the political elite at your expense if there is a USASA policy compelling them to wear a Stupid Hat at work at all times? So, to put an end to an era where Student Representatives fail to live up to their election promises and LIE to you about it, herald (there's that overpaid herald again) in a new era of complete representative transparency by not voting for me in the USASA election.
As a proud mother of nine, I am fed up with the appalling lack of visible armpit hair on campus, and don't get me started on the miserable, feeble foray into commercialism USASA likes to call it's yoghurt policy.
If elected, I will make it my duty to scrap that appalling head of broccoli USASA uses for a logo and replace it with a tuft of fine, moist and glorious armpit hair. I will also ensure that during 'O' week in the year 2000 showbags will be topped with the yoghurt of your choice.
That's five "as a"s from me. Goodnight.
"The Stupid Hat Party - the only Party to deliver on its promises - because it promises not to deliver."
DON'T VOTE FOR US!
How it Turned Out
Well, most of our candidates recieved nice phone calls from the Returning Officer in which he invited them to withdraw their nominations - contrary to the spirit of democracy, but there you go. The remainder of the candidates got the following results. (BTW, I forgot to put in my spiel - sorry.)
Bec Salvado 36
Bridget Pepper 24
Laine Croser 8
Steven Ho 39
Andrew Hurford 16
Gemma Noone 16
Kate Davies 51
Kirsty Webb 35
Laura Christy 19
Ronan Eaton 9
David Schneider 23
Sam Holmes 14
Melissa Haimes 22
Wendy Page 32
We got slaughtered! Pretty Cool, huh?