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Ask Scully!
This is where you get an answer to all your questions about me, Shturmie, The X-Files or pretty much anything! If you would like to ask something, email me here.
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Q. "Helloooooo! :::Waving frantically:::!!!!! What is your favorite eye shadow, Agent Scully, and where can I get some?" - damb_uss (email supplied) :25
A. Stop waving, you look like a f**king idiot! My favorite eye shadow is Revlon's Illuminance™ Creme Shadow. I find that it really heightens my natural color. I guess you can probably get it from any nearby department store or boutique. I normally just use That Guy's.
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, you rock! I'm designing a universal head case bracket assembly for an automotive engine block transfer line. What are some of the issues I should be aware of?" - geekzilla88 (email supplied) :24
A. Hello to you. Well, you'll want to minimize deflection as much as possible because (assuming you'll want the bracket to be compatible with many different cutting heads) even a deflection of 0.005 inch can be too much (depending on the specific cutter being used). The last time I made one of these I used malleable cast iron, rather than grey cast iron and included an extra support to provide additional strength at the front section of the bracket. As a result, with a thrust load of 18,000 lbs on the head, the deflection plot showed just 0.0027 inch deflection. Hope this helps and good luck. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, although I'm a fan I have to say that I have mixed feelings regarding your relationship with Shturmovik[KGB] and Gillian Anderson. I'm open-minded enough to concede that in this modern age of ours, marriage isn't necessarily a requirement for decency, but I still feel that having a child out of wedlock sends the wrong signals to our youth. As for the love triangle you have going, again I have to say that I consider it unacceptable, especially in light of the fact that you have a newborn baby in the house with you. Thanks" - anuptitebitch (email supplied) :23
A. Shturmovik[KGB] is my life partner and one true love. Gillian Anderson is simply just A Good Friend. Sure, she shares our bed when she's in town, but that's only because we still haven't had time to prepare the one in the spare room. You know how it is - work work work! Our son is doing just fine. He adores his Aunt Gillian. BTW, he spoke his first words the other day. They were "spank me". No, we don't know where he got that from either. Anyway, you hot slut, isn't it time you went back to work at the whorehouse? Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, I'm your biggest fan but I live in Boston and I'm a Bruins fan (also, GO CELTICS! YEAH!) - what have you got against them? I love you!" - cromagnum (email supplied) :22
A. My biggest fan huh? Maybe you should stay out of MacDonalds. Oh well, at least when it turns hot here in DC, Shturmie and I will know where to turn for relief. Re the Bruins, Thornton is an alcoholic and Rolston just plain sucks. The Celtics are a joke and Boston is ugly. Somebody, someplace probably loves you. Maybe not. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, I'm from Australia and down here we are your biggest fans, but we were wondering what a X-File is. Nobody here seems to know, even the people who have been watching since the pilot. Is it something American?" - bundyrum (email supplied) :21
A. First, I'm sorry about your plight, but I can't help you: you're stuck with your nationality. Secondly, an X-File is the drooling rant of a psychiatrically-challenged person. You watch pilots? What for? Don't you have boyfriends? Say, you Aussies are pretty sharp, huh...? Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, is your mom part of the conspiracy? Do you think she tried to set you up but they got Melissa instead? She seemed to be expecting it to be you in the hospital" - gobruins2000 (email supplied) :20
A. Hi! Your mom is a hooker and a crack-whore and your dad sells babies to the glue factory! What the hell kind of shitty question was that! How DARE you? Only from a Bruins fan. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, Agent Scully! :::squeals loudly::: OMG I just love you so much! Some 'phile friends and I are having a big party in your honor this weekend - PLEASE say you'll come!" - Eternal_Hope (email supplied) :19
A. :::Squeals Loudly::: Get the F**K outta here! I've killed saner people than you! Thanks for your question!
A. "Dear Agent Scully! I can't believe I'm actually talking to you! Can you tell me how you really felt when Mulder was abducted in Requiem? And have you and Agent Doggett ever...you know...?" - shipperqueen3 (email supplied) :18
Q. I can't believe you're actually talking to me either! Don't they restrict internet access in asylums? Sheesh! And what's with this "Mulder" shit? Who the hell is that, anyway? Why can't you people learn and remember his name? It's That Guy! T-H-A-T G-U-Y! Jeezuss, how hard is that? And what Requiem? Is that a foreign car? Or was That Guy taken during a church recital (now, there's an image for ya!)? As for how I felt, well, not much. You'd be forgiven for assuming I'd have been overjoyed, but the fact is I didn't really give a damn. When he's around, he's only a minor annoyance. I'm not even sure when I first noticed he was gone. I think it was when Elena, the cleaning lady, asked me why she didn't have to mop under his desk so much anymore. Have me and Agent Doggett...you know...what? Played tennis? Tortured Smurfs? Eaten boogers? Oh, you mean F**KED! Well, he's a really nice guy, and I'm sure he'll make Monic - erm, somebody - very happy one of these days, but I have Shturmie. No woman ever needed more. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, is Mitch Pileggi/Skinner ever going to get a good scene? People say he can't act very well but I think he just needs some good lines. What do you think?" - DomeGirl (email supplied) :17
A. Mitch who? What are you people on? I swear to God, I'm gonna get the cops to execute warrants on all your homes. And "act"? What do you mean "act"? He acts like a creep sometimes - is that the sort of acting you're talking about? You're weird. Anyway, the only time I ever had any respect for the man was when he had a fight in an elevator with X. Now that was cool, and the only time he ever showed that he might even have a pair. Other than that, well, the man's about as interesting as a dead barnacle. And what about that thing he does, sticking out his lower jaw all the time? What's up with that? Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully! What is the launch weight of the Russian SA-8 Gaskin surface to air missile?" - LovebaBee (email supplied) :16
A. The SA-8's operational appellation is in fact Gecko: it is the SA-9 that is known as Gaskin. The launch weight of the SA-8 is 190 kg (419 lb), and the SA-9 is 32 kg (70 lb). Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, you are totally oblivious to the fact that everybody thinks this site is completely lame and are totally ignoring it! You're just so sad, freakazoid. Quit fantasizing about a television character and get a life" - anidiotraves (IP address logged) :15
A. Hey, it's you again! Good to see you back. According to Shturmie, who has the webserver logs, you've visited this site nine times. Looks like everybody but you is avoiding it. Or not. Whatever, I'm glad you like it so much. Regarding your other comments, wasn't "Freakazoid" one of those guys in the movie Thank God It's Friday? Hmm. Not sure. Must check. However, I can assure you that I'm not that person! I have no time to waste on dancing. And as far as I know - and I should know, because he shares everything with me - Shturmie has never appeared on television as a regular character. But you're right: like all women, I do fantasize about him a lot! Unlike you, however, I get to act out those fantasies with him in bed. And on the couch. And on the dining table. And on the kitchen floor. And in the elevators in the Hoover building. And in the...well, don't want to keep you from your National League of Pedophiles meeting, so f**k off, shithead.
Q. "Agent Scully, please help me! My boyfriend used to love watching The X-Files with me but lately he's lost interest. He says I'm too shippy and so is the show and he just wants to watch the monsters and aliens and has no interest in the MSR. What can I do to bring him back into the fold?" - bunny2002 (email supplied) :14
A. What the f...? Is this some kind of joke? What do you mean you "used to love watching The X-Files"? Were you following me? Don't you realise how tough the anti-stalking laws are nowadays? As it is, I don't know what the hell you're talking about. There are no such things as aliens! And it's so obvious that your boyfriend is cheating on you with your best friend. The only solution is to do what all women do when they have even the faintest of suspicions: sleep with his best friend. It's the only way. Make sure he finds out, otherwise he'll never come running back into your loving arms. And while you're at it "Bunny", send me all your credit cards...
Q. "Dear Agent Scully. First, let me tell you how much I admire you. I long ago decided to live my life as you would live yours. Can you recommend anything to help me fulfill my destiny?" - gillyadmira (email supplied) :13
A. Yeah: therapy! What are you, a fruitcake? "I long ago decided..." - this website's only been up a couple of days! You don't even know me! We've never even met! How do these basket-cases find me...?
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, may I call you Dana? It's just that-" - dsluvsfm (email supplied) :12
A. No. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, are you f**king queer or something?" - assbackwards (IP address logged) :11
A. Well, you know, that's an interesting question. It's been oft-said that most women have lesbian tendencies, far more than men have homosexual inclinations. And why not? We are gorgeous! Soft-yet-firm bodies, smooth, sleek skin, luscious curves and musky scents...ohhhh - excuse me, I have to go find Shturmie...! OK, back again. Still with me? Great. You know, I can understand male homosexuality also. Afterall, if I were a man and I saw Shturmie, I'd have to think about it, right? How could I not - he's just sooo sexy! Living breathing virility-on-a-stick, and...ohhh...back soon...Phew! Anyway, to answer your question, yes, you are a total f**kwit, and yes, the whole world pities you. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, if you don't want That Guy, can I have him?" - Foo (email supplied) :10
A. Uh, sure, but first, tell me: why?! OK, you know what, just take him. Whatever. Ugh!
Q. "Agent Scully, you are an ignorant pig. No one thinks you're amusing. Soon you'll be blocked and we can all enjoy the message boards again without harrassment" - anidiotraves (IP address logged) :09
A. Yaaawwwwnnn...Oh, sorry, did you say something? I missed it on account of the fact that you are terminally f**king boring. You don't like what my darling Shturmikins has to say? Tough shit. Any site that blocks differing opinions is obviously a member of the Al Qaeda Webring and therefore my colleagues and I shall do everything in our (now vast) power to destroy it and its members. Thanks for your question.
Q. "Agent Scully, just because you think you're brilliant and witty doesn't give you the right to insult people on other sites. Please stop and just go away" - not_a_loser (IP address logged) :08
A. Huh? What other sites? Oh! You must mean Shturmie! Heheheh. He can be a little abrasive, huh! That's one of the many reasons I love him so much. Well, tell you what, I'll ask him to visit whichever board it is that you post at and tell you to GO F**K YOURSELF! OK? What the f**k is wrong with you? Get a life! Lighten up! Stop taking yourself so damn seriously! Jeezuss! Ever heard of an opposing viewpoint? God, I get more spirited debate at the office! You people want the whole world to be like a giant ball of peach wallpaper! Sheesh. Thanks for your question.
Q. "Agent Scully, why do you hate Mulder so much? You obviously have mental health issues" - anonanonanon (IP address logged) :07
A. Who? Do you mean That Guy? Where the hell do you people come up with these weird names?! And, if you think you already know the answer, why ask the question? Honestly, what a waste of time you are. I don't hate him. It's just that I can't respect him. That Guy has no life. No girlfriend, no regular friends, nothing but some ludicrous tales of sea serpents and bogeymen. I, on the other hand, have Shturmie. Case closed.
Q. "Agent Scully, we think that Shturm is the greatest! Is there any chance that he'll come back if we say we're really, really sorry?" - CC, VG, FS (email supplied) :06
A. No. F**k off.
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, I've always felt that you must be the luckiest woman on earth, being Shturmovik[KGB]'s fiance. Is this how you feel?" - xf4ever (email supplied) :05
A. You sure hit the nail on the head there! Yes, naturally, I consider myself to be fortunate beyond all belief. Thanks for asking!
Q. "Agent Scully, when you shot That Guy in Anasazi, how did you feel about missing his heart?" - shippygirl231 (email supplied) :04
A. How did you know about that? That information was suppressed! It's not like any of our cases ever go to trial or anything - where did you get your info? I tell ya, there's no such thing as a secret these days! Oh well, to answer your question, it was pretty embarrassing. I spent two weeks on the FBI pistol range afterwards! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, is there any possibility for me to be like you? I'm prepared to work my butt off and go to medical school, etc. My grades are excellent and I've even dyed my hair to match your own. So, what are my chances? Can I do it?" - msrrulez22 (email supplied) :03
A. No. You're a f**king idiot. 'MSR' my ass...
Q. "Agent Scully, why is it that so many XF fans think they are better than all other XF fans?" - lena.hayes (email supplied) :02
A. The only 'XF Fan' I know of is That Guy and there are foot funguses that are better than him. An 'XF Fan' is a moron by definition! What a stupid friggin' question!
Q. "Agent Scully, will you and Shturm being having any more kids?" - deanx (email supplied) :01
A. Definitely!
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Special Agent Dana Scully (and her partner Shturmovik[KGB]) reserves the right to edit any and all material received for publication on the Ask Scully!© webpage for the purposes of clarity and because lots of you guys obviously never finished 4th grade. However, no unnecessary changes will ever be made and context and meaning will be preserved wherever possible, even if you are saying really sucky things about me or Shturmie. See how nice I am?
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