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To My Subsequent Pregnancy
Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tune without the words.
And never stops at all...


Emily Dickinson
It sure wasn't an easy decision for  me to make. To have another baby, that is. The baby I wanted so badly couldn't even come home from the hospital with me.  So why should I try and have another?

My doctor told us that there is no physical reason not to try again if we want. My husband was instantly ready to make another baby, I was not. Just the thought of it terrified me. What if the next baby also dies? What if I am subconciously trying to replace Sydney? That wouldn't be fair to the next baby. What if I can't bond with and love this baby as I did Kendall and Sydney? There are too many ifs. So what do I do?

In early October 1999, just 4 months after Sydney was bornstill, I decided to try and have one more baby. Fortunately, I got pregnant right away. I only waited until the day my next cycle was due on November 5, 1999 to take a home pregnancy test. Before taking the test, I layed on my bed and contemplated on if I should take it or not. I had mixed emotions about the result either way. If it is negative, then there is no chance of losing another baby nestled in my womb, and at the same time the disappoinment and emptiness of not having a baby there...growing inside me again. And if it is positive? Then I will be taking a chance with a new pregnancy, a new little life that is depending on me and my body to take care of him or her. What if I can't do it? I have more questions than answers at this point.

And the emotional rollercoaster begins... 

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POETRY PAGE 2
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Home
Trimester 1
Trimester 2 (in progress)
Trimester 3 (in progress)
Labor & Delivery (in progress)
Meet Sydney's little Brother (in progress)