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Saturday, January 08, 2005

10:41:05 AM

Friday, January 07, 2005

I guess I should learn how to be more diplomatic.

And my views, however right & justified they are, will not be accepted by everyone.

And, the harder I push, the greater the resistant.

I should just learn to shut up. Some people just don't have an open mind, the more you talk, the more you pissed them off.

I wonder how can I get my point through and convince this kind of people.

I want to be a diplomatic person, pardon the analogy, but I want to be someone who is able to tell people to go to hell in a way that they actually look forward to that trip.

Come to think of it, I can count the number of people I can have an open minded conversation with. People who can argue their point, listen to my point, evaluate and think carefully, and come out with a conclusion after a while. Most people I know either shrug it off, change topic, get upset and stuff.

And people who think I don't listen when I think I'm right, please, You got to let me finish talking first before expecting me to listen. Interupting in the middle of my speech isn't very polite either.

I'm just blabbering. I'm going all over the place.

There's a test tommorrow. I am feeling mightily confident about it. Argh. everytime i feel this way, I screw up the paper. Haiz.

Haematology. RBC Comments and WBC differential count. looking at blood does says a lot about what sickness you have. If it's abnormal, it pin points to a group of disease, if it's normal, it eliminates, or rule-out a whole group of diseases.

It is fun, in a certain sense.

1:15:57 AM

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

I am becoming someone with self inflicted problems, someone I would hate 2 years ago.

Haha. What a big change. I opened my own mindset, by looking at myself. I am, after all, human, and human inflict themselves with problems one time or another. They are people who need help to look beyond, not people who are to be kicked around and avoided.

I finally got my thoughts sorted out. Thanks to Farehan, Ponni & Ying Hua.

Yeapz. It's my character that is causing my depression. Not anything else. To start off, I am a guy with big EGO. And also, I crave for instant gratification. When I start on something, I plan quite well ahead, expecting several milestone, or results to be accomplish in certain days. And most of the time, I get what I want.

Yar, so for this self-inflicted problem of mine, I can't manage to get what I want, can't plan a way to get a win-win solution, cannot catch up with the rest, and falling way way behind of my competition.

I also figured out why I wanted so much for it to happen. One major factor would be army. I was planning well ahead, wondering if I will get any emotional support I need when I'm in Pulau Tekong Prison. The recent Youth camp was really a depression factor for me, as it seems like no one cares about me. I tried mightily hard to be noticed (I'm an attention seeker, btw) but people whom I expect to notice, doesn't even notice, or even care about me. I fear I would slowly fade in other people's memory, lose contact with the world outside when I'm in the army, and everything else. I needed a source of security, someone I could call my own. My fear of isolation pushed me more into acquiring it.

I guess, long term human relationship can't be treated like objects, or items, where you can plan on how to acquire and stuff. They are never somebody's. They are created by God, and belongs to God only. My problem is the way I'm dealing with the thing. I'm more interested in acquiring a new property, then to treat the other party as human. I tried to be a better person (i.e. Extra nice and stuff), and result in bieng a person that I am not, which kind of, I guess turn people off.

My narrow-mindedness have causes all this to happened. Failed to see the big picture, failed to notice that God is the one in charge, not me.

I've learnt something through this experience. Instant gratification doesn't happens, somethings require more then one sided effort, and when it comes to impressing people who you want to continue to be friends in the long term, don't bother.

Seeing what I was thinking, doing, planning for the past few days, or week is now turning myself off. My thinking was real childish, something not expected of a 19 years old. I will never think like that again.

So what now? I guess from now on, I'll do nothing about it, and let God handle it.

And of course, I know I still got friends even when I am at the furthest corner of the world. Even I don't bother to really make my friendship sink deep down, I know there are people who cares. Just that I don't bother go looking for them. And yes, even if all of them happens to forsake me, I know my God will not forsake me. Jesus is security enough.

I can finally sleep in peace. :>

10:11:02 PM

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

I've been thinking like a kid.

This cannot be. I guess all would be easier if I just give it up and commit it to God.

I trust that He will be there for me. I'll just wait. :>

8:59:58 AM

Monday, January 03, 2005

Dear Wee Koh,

I think you should get a hang on yourself. What you are doing now is not productive, it is not bringing you, or particularly anyone else anything good.

It will be good for yourself IF you suceed, but you know the implication of failing. Not only you, she and lots of other people will be affected. Don't be selfish. Think of the big picture.

And you do know yourself. You have nothing to offer, nothing to give. You are neither handsome nor clever. Only a fool will fall for you. Don't put yourself too high. Please. I'm very sick of you whenever you do that. Your fantasy world have to stop somewhere.

And you know she doesn't like you. Just look at it clearly, filter away your feelings and look. It is really obvious, isn't it? Think, you can't have a decent conversation with her, she only talks to you when it is necessary, when you try to talk to her, it feels very very impossible. Your feelings is seriously clouding your vision. She doesn't like you and you knew it. Stop thinking that she likes you and stuff. Don't let your feeling rule your head.

So my advice for you, do whatever that will make you happy. This will not make you happy. You know it. You are feeling the effect now. Depression. Sadness. Uncertainty. Low self esteem. Do you really want to feel like that? No. I guess not. So, do whatever that will make you happy.

If it is meant to be, it is meant to be lar. If it's not, then too bad. You have too much to lose. The risk is too great. Do the right thing. Do the wise thing.

Yea?. :>

Wee Koh

8:18:41 PM

Singapore is experiencing winter.

I'm freezing to death

7:49:07 AM

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Went for Arise 2005 today. It was an experience.

At first, yar lar, was kind of sian, because it was like for kids. But then, it God somehow struck me, He was like telling me "What's wrong with worshiping him with the kids?"

Yupz, and I worshipped God corporately with the kids there.

I guess sometimes, we put worship more as a style and an icon more then what it really is. Worshipping God doesn't mean singing One Way and jumping around like some fanatic Christian rocker. It means giving glory to God, however the circumstances is, in our life, and who says we can't worship God with kiddy songs? Haha.

God is great. :P

1:04:09 AM

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