One Wish
by Shawna O'Neil
Nothing in my life has ever been planned. My body forced itself into the world six weeks early, half dead, legally dead for several minutes. A million dollars to save a worthless piece of shit like me, they say, or maybe just “You’re worthless, why can’t you do anything right, stop acting stupid, you know how to do this.” I ignore them on the outside, but my mother, she tells me to listen to them, listen to the taunts and the put-downs, “Listen to them and then you’ll know what you’ve gotta change about yourself. But I don’t want to change anything…why would anyone want to change themselves to make someone else, who really doesn’t care whether you live or die, like you? You’ve gotta like yourself first. I used to be happy, now I waste away surrounded by pretenders, fake people out for their own gain, Mother left me with these people. I wouldn’t have ever been like this is I had stayed with her. If I would have just kept my mouth shut and done what I said I would do. Children are to be seen, not heard, he’d yell as a callused hand ripped through the space between us and left an autograph on my thin, pale cheek.
Weeks alone, sitting in the same bare room can have that effect on people, I guess. Never “you’re grounded.” Always “Go to your room,” but with no room to go to. One couch in the sitting room I claim as mine for such a punishment. Maybe a worse punishment for a lesser crime. Three hours with your nose on a dot on the wall makes you think twice before speaking up again. A beating with an old piece of driftwood if you moved only bettered the silence.
Or maybe that wouldn’t be enough; maybe my schoolwork wouldn’t be up to standards they expected. My books, the only outlet I have from Them, shredded and burned in front of my tear-stained eyes. No more tears, another beating for that. Tears show weakness, no weakness allowed in this family, strength is what you were created for, now work harder!
One wish, one wish a year, birthday time, one wish, and it could be anything, but only one.
“Now blow out the candles!”
One wish, only one breath, gotta get them all in one breath. I’ll show them, I can do it. Every year the challenge grows, and the cake size seems to grow smaller, if such a thing is possible, and the number of candles increases.
“Make sure you feed your guests first. I don’t care if they are just a bunch of drunks, they deserve to be fed, same as the rest of us…Oh, I’m sorry that there’s none left, maybe next year.” Always a next year, always a next year. One wish, one wish one wish one wish one wish…. ”Whacha wish?”
If anyone knows what I wish, then it won’t come true, Mom told me that, “I don’t know what I wished for, that’s a secret.” That’s what I’d say when next year came around, this year I can tell though, there’s always a next year…”I wanna…I wished for…a…I wanna…I wanna…” Now what is a lie? How do you tell one?, “I want…I really didn’t wish for anything, I just like to see the candles burn down before I blow them out.” Everyone laughs at that…they don’t notice the missing candle under my hand, they never count the candles…this year, my dream…my wish’ll come true, one wish one wish one wish one wish, yes, it’ll come true this year, always a next year, always a next year…
“Always wish for perfection, but plan for disaster,” My mother said that…one candle, I wonder if it’ll be enough for freedom, or whether I’ll need two…It would take a lot of candles for me to save as many as were on my cake this year. They glowed so brightly, if only they lasted forever, like in the picture book I saw at school. They don’t like me at school, always laughing when I make a mistake, “I thought you were perfect, what happened?” They think I’m smart cuz I get all the answers right, that doesn’t mean a thing though, I don’t know anything, I’m worthless, I’ll never amount to anything, what a waste I am…
This will be perfection, my wish can’t fail. Goddess protect. The sky opens up around me, I am standing on the brink of freedom. The rising sun quickens its pace, as if eager to see the show. One step and I’m free…If They knew I was off the couch right now, I probably wouldn’t be able to go to school tomorrow, no one’s supposed to know about the couch, or the wall, or the driftwood, “That’s our little secret, don’t tell.” I won’t tell, I never tell, I promise. I told, I told everything but no one will ever believe me, when I tell them, for real.
Tears that should have slid down my face stop up in my eyes as I shake off the forgotten sadness. The clouds dance in the sky, I too will dance in the sky. It was a long walk to get here, almost most of the night through the woods, now my jeans are ripped by the fence. I hate that fence. They only put it up there to keep me in the yard. No one else has fences around their yards like the one I have. It took me a long time to save up enough clothes to make a rope over it. I can’t get out any other way because of the dog and the lock at the entrance. They are the only ones with keys. Oh, no…here they come…
They watch me all the time now, no secrecy, no room to sneak out of, I tried that once, it didn’t work, They caught me before I was free. The beach was so nice, with the tossing sand and the waves. They found me though and now I’m back in this prison. They didn’t find the candle yet, so I’m safe. This wish’ll work, always only one wish, this year two, this year I won’t tell, it’s mine, no one can know…one candle to myself, this year I’ll win…this year it’ll be different, I’ll have two candles, not just the one. I wanna see them sparkle like the other one did, but no matches, no matches-no sparkles. Can’t take it out of the secret place because then They’ll find it and then I won’t get any wishes. There’s always next year…
There’ll be cake this time for all of us. They promised me there’d be enough cake this year for everyone this time. I promised I would be a good girl, and they said I’d get dome cake. “They’ll be enough cake this year, don’t worry about it. We had unexpected visitors this year and you always have next year. Now go to your room so we can be adults.” They always say that, They don’t notice the missing candle. One candle, they never count the candles.
This year it all looks the same, one cake, several candles aglow in feigned merriment. They smile, “Blow out the candles, sweetheart.” They always call me sweetheart when the neighbors are over. Bright smiles, big smiles. Tension in the air, candles sparkle on the cake. One breath, one breath, this year, always blow out the candle in one breath. No go out. Wait, one, no it’s back on again. Laughter. Trick me, the candles lie, this year my wish’ll come true. One shove, the cake lands with a splat. One wish, one wish a year, one wish, don’t tell anyone, no one has any cake this year. “It’s all your fault, you stupid retard! Go back to your room and stay there!!!” Alcohol, anger, ouch.
One couch, one couch, go to your room! What room? There’s no room for me. A lady at school said that there wasn’t room at the inn either, and she had to stay at her mother’s house for Christmas and that it was horrible. She laughs when I ask what Christmas is. “You know, Christ’s birthday?” Who’s that? More laughter, then she walks away. They can’t tell me things like that at school.
I don’t like winter, it’s cold in the sitting room in the winter. The window got stuck open last summer when I tried to get out, but I forgot to ask them to fix it. I don’t think they will when I do tell them that the window is broken, so it gets cold in the sitting room. I don’t sleep anymore ‘cause I know they’re watching me. I can feel their eyes watching me. I know that they’re watching me. I can’t even look at the one candle. Two years, but only one candle, couldn’t trust the candle this year, it didn’t go out at all, even when it was on the floor. It just kept burning and burning, until someone stepped on it. Had to scrub the floor with bleach for the cake mess, six hours on the wall and I sneezed. One hour, more bruises. No one can see the bruises, They say, no one can see the bruises.
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