Ø It’s
about Superman in the movies. Go back with me in your minds. Picture this
scene. Superman is confronting one of the bad guys. The bad guy would fire at
Superman with a gun. Superman would smirk and throw his chest out. The bullets
would bounce harmlessly away. But did you ever notice what happened next? When
the guy ran out of bullets, he would throw the gun at Superman. And Superman ducked.
He ducked! I'll bet you never thought about that before. Bullets bounced off of
him, but when a gun was thrown at him, Superman ducked.
Ø
A Sunday school teacher asked the children
just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary
to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are
sleeping."
Ø
A very dirty little fellow came in from
playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?
" Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are
you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She
said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
Ø
The Boss asked for a letter describing Bob
Smith:-
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
* Project Leader
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A FOLLOW- UP MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER (as follows):
...That idiot (Bob) was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report I sent to you earlier today. Kindly read ONLY the odd numbered lines
(1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
Regards.
ME
Ø A
little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling she would
vomit.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then
behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her
seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the
front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
Ø Top excuses if found asleep
at your Desk
"Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"Oh, Hi, I was trying to
pick up my contact lens without my hands."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time
management course you sent me to."
"I was just meditating on
the mission statement.”
"Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost
figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"Ah, the
unique and unpredictable rhythms of the workaholic!"
And the #1 response if found
asleep at your desk:
"...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"
Ø
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited
by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had
genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could
be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she
kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the
farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the
farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,
killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward
her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and
greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say
something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he
would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer
what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a
terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would
then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.’
Ø
The 4 toughest questions American wives ask
their hubbies- and their answers
The four questions are:
"What are you thinking?"
"Do you love me?"
"Do I look fat?"
"Do you think she is prettier than me?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every
one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man
does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
"What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've
been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are, and what a
lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no
resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the
time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer
to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With
Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to
know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
"Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who
feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
"Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not!" and then
quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - Could you repeat the question? I
was thinking about your
insurance policy.
b - Couldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin, either.
c - Compared to what?
d - A little extra weight looks good on you.
e - I've seen fatter.
"Do you think she's prettier than
me?"
The "she" in the question could be a passer-by you were staring at so
hard that you almost caused a traffic accident, or an actress in a movie you
just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much
prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Could you repeat the question? I
was thinking about your
insurance policy.
b - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
c - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
d - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
e - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
Ø
Little Johnny’s Mommy does teach…
Little Johnny’s Mommy teaches
about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
Little Johnny’s Mommy teaches
to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
Little Johnny’s Mommy teaches
how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
Little Johnny’s Mommy teaches
about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."
And her all time favorite...
JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then
you'll see what it's like."
Ø
ACTUAL 'DEAR GOD' LETTERS (Letters to God
from children)
Dear God, Did you mean for the
giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
Dear God, Thank you for my baby
brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce
Dear God, Please send me a
pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce
Dear God, I want to be just
like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison
made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you
did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Dear God, I think about you
sometimes, even when I'm not praying. Elliott
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you
made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene