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Almost Everything You Need to Know About Your Packard
Read this page to get a break from all the technical information.
All jokes were sent to me via email the original author is not know.
PRISON vs. WORK
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time
in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and
you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior
with more work.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the
doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card
and unlock and open all
the doors yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers
with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to
go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to
pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking
through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting
to get out and inside
IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.
Here's some PC Viruses that a friend sent me:
Woody Allen Virus
bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Tonya Harding Virus
turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
Paul Revere Virus
warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg
Ollie North Virus
plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files
Joey Buttafuaco Virus
only attacks minor files
Michael Jackson Virus
preys on child processes
Ronald Reagan Virus
saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
Jane Fonda Virus
attacks your hard drive's FAT
Oprah Winfrey virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for
the AT&T virus
Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itelf a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic
Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole
darn thing quits
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything
Fedeal Bueaurocrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which
does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important
part of your computer
Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer
Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing
on each half blaming the other side for the problem
Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow
the user to accomplish anything
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes
very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money
Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases
them in "self-defense."
it claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your
files and vows to find the virus that did it.
TOP 12 THINGS YOU DON'T
WANT TO HEAR FROM TECH SUPPORT
12. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11. "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10. "So -- what are you wearing?"
9. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals,
7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes.'
Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a
roll of duct tape and a car battery."
5. "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."
4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenberg Effect."
3. "Hold on a second ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2. "OK, turn to Page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics.'"
And the No. 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support ...
1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
Shallow Thoughts -
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left
me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to
buy her friends?
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal
In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made
Support bacteria - they're the only culture
some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast
When everything's coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you have
Many people quit looking for work when they
find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind
gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just
don't have film.
if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading
my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the
How do you tell when you run out of invisible
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never
opened, small stain.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise
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