Our Stories, Your Stories
Everyone has a story. Everyone lives that story somehow from day to day. In recovery, our stories become sources of courage and inspiration for others, and ultimately, our stories prove we lived our lives as best as possible and in recovery, lived well.
The background image is of a woman weeping... this is for all the women who suffer with their addictions, all those who've in recovery and weep with joy and all those too who've lived with those with addictions.
I was born in Cinncinati, Ohio, but don't remember much from there. We moved to Texas was I was just 8 yrs old. This is where I first experimented with pot and cigarettes. We seemed to move alot and in 1969 moved back to snow, what a difference from Texas that was. This was when I became aware of my mom's drinking and my parents not the happily married couple I had thought.
Again we moved from there to Wisconsin, settling in it seemed to stay. So many schools in so many cities... I did not make friends easily, staying pretty much alone or with my brother, David. We got into trouble together, always seeking the thrills of drugs, drinking and breaking the law. It seemed easier to me to steal to use than to sell myself, so I stole often!
Of course this wasn't going to be able to go on forever, and I eventually got caught at 15, and I ended up in a home for girls until my 18th birthday,
but still hadn't quit using the entire time there. I went through so many changes in the next few years, first not feeling anything, not caring what happened to me or anyone else, then caring and feeling so angry, because I did not want to be vunerable to hurt and pain! I stayed angry a long time, until I accepted God into my life. I did not instantly get rid of this anger then,
but buried it for a long time in other types of addictions- using food as a numbing effect.
Much has happened to change the path I was on since then, but the most significant was getting married and the birth of our only daughter, now 20 years old. It was the responsibility of caring for her when she was a baby that shocked me and woke me up and I turned to AA and friends to show me the way. I have never looked back.
As my addiction to food grew, I did too, until I could not get around well, stayed home all the time and went to work and slept. My life became very narrow and small, until I found myself considering the weight reduction alternative suggested to me years earlier, but refused to consider. I felt hopeless at 427lbs, and even though I did not want to die, I did not see my way out of the hole I had unintentionally dug! My doctor threw a boomerang into the mess with his ultimatum, saying I had to quit smoking the three packs of cigarettes I smoked a day before he would do the surgery! I felt panic, because he was messing with my only hope, (or so I thought at the time), but I found I wanted this so much I was willing to consider this, something I never, stubbornly would consider before. I did quit in Oct 2004, one month before the surgery! What a new freedom I found, unimaginable! I was really free from the bondage I realized I had been keeping myself in for 30 years! And it just keeps getting better...
In Nov of 2004, after a year of fighting with my insurance co, I had the gastric by-pass surgery and my life has again changed drastically! I began to lose so quickly, it was scary at first. Now in Jan of 2006 I have lost 158lbs and feel like a whole new person. I still have a ways to go, but I am hopeful today. I used to laugh and say, "yeah, right", when I heard others, already having this surgery, say that, but it is true! I am the person I have not been able to be in 20 years! And God just keeps on opening more doors all the time! I really am re-born, as they say!
My long-time sponsor and closest friend has guided me through much pain, guilt and hate of myself, to a place where today I accept myself better than I ever have, just as I am. My serenity is something precious to me and I guard it fiercely.
About my God, my Savior...
I came to believe in God as my Higher Power, and became a Christian in 1996. My life changed significantly then, right before my eyes! God's blessings- His gifts-through others was more than I could believe in, before I got clean & sober. God is so good in his patience, considering my diehard resistence! My recovery program today is wonderful, it is overwhelming to think about it in depth, I can only share with others, everyday, all that they can be, through Jesus Christ, if they would accept Him as their personal Savior!
Probably more than anything else in my life that has devastated me, has to be my brother's death in '99. Many questions surrounded his death but my resolve to never (and I know they say 'never say never') drink or use again will always be with me. I think after all these years I can say today the word "never", 'cause using again will never be a choice in my life ever again.
My Mom, my best friend, passed away in June of 2004, she was my foe when I was a kid, my Mom when I was pregnant with my daughter and still drinking and using, and then always my friend towards the later years, before she died. I admired her perseverence, her inner strength, her will and her mind. she loved history and trivia, always seeking information and news. Her walk with God was enhanced by her devotion to seeking Him, to know Jesus, her strength and her story of her own fight with alcohol, being sober for 30 years and how she lived after becoming sober will always be my inspiration and strength. I love her and miss her dearly, along with my sister and brother.
Sometimes, I think I've been blessed to have lived several lives along with several marriages (actually three now) and many times, I certainly wouldn't have called it a blessing. Time has a way of healing and teaching and growing us, though. I'm an addictive personality addicted to not being addicted yet equally susceptible to "obsessiveness". My road wasn't in alcohol or drugs, although they played a large part in my youth.
My childhood is one that is best considered a huge lesson and experience for all involved and that I came away with my sanity and an insightful sensitivity to others' pain and suffering is a miracle in itself. Being the child of an alcoholic introduced me to alcohol at an early age and by the time I was in high school, a coke with vodka in my locker was pretty commonplace. Drinking was a norm prior to the legal age and often unleashed the part of me I was so afraid to show otherwise, and often shouldn't have shown at all. Drugs came into the picture throughout high school as a means of escape and relaxation or in many cases, as speed was my favorite, to avoid sleep and get more done. I was very driven and considered sleep a waste of time. I'd survived a near suicide episode all alone one night in which I believe that is when I came to know God completely, though for many years, didn't know how to really relate to Him. I only knew that He was with me and nothing would ever drive me to that point again, cos with Him I could go through anything! Little did I know that I'd pretty much end up going thru many unimaginable struggles, conflicts and catastrophes!
After graduating from high school, my first husband moved in with me and in a couple of years, I married an alcoholic. He was a stock car racer and we shared a love for the sport and speed of stock cars. When he asked me to marry him, it just seemed natural as I'd never known any other life other than taking care of everybody else. Oddly enough though, he drank more than enough for both of us, and drinking was less an interest for me considering all the responsibility I bore by then. I didn't know what Co-dependency was then but nowadays, surely know that was me! Eventually, he left me with a two year old son and simply walked away, never to look back or interfere again. At the time, I hated him for that, but today realize it was the ultimate love of us that caused him to leave. He never beat alcohol and knew he'd never be the husband or father we deserved.
Another husband came along, but his habit was pot and I took that up for awhile, until the responsibilities set in again and then found myself far less tolerant of it and eventually, my husband gave it up too. We would last nearly 10 years before he'd leave me for another woman. By this time, though, I'd become bulimic, a perfectionistic machine-like person playing SuperWoman! It would be after this marriage that I sought the deepest psychotherapy of my life and finally wade through and get to know whoever I'd become. The bulimia was the result of the self-loathing I'd harbored since childhood about my body and it's early development. Unconsciously, I was committing a slow suicide as though it wasn't my choice but knowing all the time it truly was. The bulimic episodes always increased during times of high anxiety. I had to learn to recognize the signs and onset of the urges. With the therapy, I did that but then I played more games with myself as though I was in some sort of control of it all. It was my secret and one I didn't discuss well at all.
I'm a big believer in the institution of marriage and again, chose to marry once more. This marriage is healthier than any of the others, but has not been without it's fair share of trials and learning experiences. The bulimia was worst than ever throughout this marriage in particular and I could only figure it was because of the "out of control" feeling that persisted with me. After a year's seperation, three years after our wedding, we found a church to be involved with. This made a huge difference finally in our lives and on April 1, 1999 I laid the bulimia at the cross during an Upper Room service prior to Easter, and never had the urge again. I'd reached a danger point with my body and had begun bleeding in the course of the purging. I knew it had to stop but I had been powerless to stop completely, no matter how much therapy and self-help I'd tried.
Four days later my beloved brother, David died. My world was torn apart suddenly without warning and I learned I'd truly given up the bulimia to God as the urges did not return. Losing David has been the single most devastating event of my life. We'd always been each other's "backs" and now I was stripped of my "back". To this day, I am still "clean" of the urges. I am learning to trust my body's signals about food, recognize the natural hunger pangs and the fullness signals, and not abuse my body. I suffer from acid reflux and have damaged my esophagus from it, however, all that is manageable with medication. It's taken over a year to begin to normalize my metabolism but it's slowly coming together.
I thank God everyday for His grace and support throughout all this. I know that He is faithful to those who are sincere and that once we truly surrender, He will get us through it all. It's always our choice though, God will never force His will on us, we have to ask and then we have to commit to receive.
Update: Hindsight is always 20/20 and if we're blessed enough, we can see the tapestry of our life before our eyes.I have been so blessed.
On June 18, 2003 my mom fell and broke her hip outside a local grocery store in the rain. My heart stopped when I got the call and raced to the hospital to meet her there. Mom's an LPN and she'd always told me broken hips were the first foot in the grave. She got thru it though many other health problems became worst fast, and we traveled in the car to Charlotte enjoying a wonderful road trip, took a cruise to Mexico that fall, had fabulous holidays together... even though mom spent 250 of the last 365 days of her life in the hospital, she lived every moment outside wonderfully! On June 12, 2004 we (sis and my brother and I) gave her the birthday party of her life, called the "Celebration of a Lifteime". Nearly 100 friends came to celebrate her 75th birthday that day. She'd been deteriorating fast but that day was extra special. By the following Wednesday, June 16, mom would return to the hospital and never come home again. On June 22, 2004, Mom passed away peacefully in sleep. The birthday celebration became her final goodbye.
I too, lost my best friend that day. Mom was a living testimony to the power of faith in God, to leaving an addiction behind her and never looking back and to loving life! She never felt "too old" to learn or do or go someplace. We all miss her desperately. I have so wished she could have seen so much more, but then now I realize she sees it all and I know she's smiling!
Life goes on. I've learned what I don't know I don't need to know until it's time and that God will provide all that I need for the time. Like the bridge in Indiana Jones' Raiders of the Lost Ark, you know it's there because you're told so, but it's that step out in faith that makes it all right. When I feel anxiety creeping up on me, I remember this and keep my perspective. I've got the win / win of life... no matter what happens the Lord is with me always and I have nothing to fear.
June 7, 1929- June 22, 2004
It wasn't till I almost lost my oldest son to the state that I
was ready to actually listen and do what the program had suggested I do. My bottom was being in jail for the second time, pregnant and having a 10 month old looking at me through a glass, reaching his hands up to me and saying Mama. He couldn't understand why I couldn't pick him up. At that moment, I decided I would do anything it takes to stop using. I finally believe I am worth living a decent life. I thank my higher power for the strength everyday.
Not long after our move, I left my mother's house and moved in with my grandmother. From there I went to live with an aunt and was introduced to alcohol as a beverage. In my family of Irish-Americans, drinking was accepted as a way of life. At 15, I had my first drink, rum and coke, from there I graduated to Tequila, which was to become my favorite form of alcohol. I was a binge drinker, with a tendency to find the worst bars to drink in. I lived in Tampa for a couple of years and while there, met and had sex, when very drunk, and became pregnant. It was a one-night-stand, and just as well, as we would have killed each other. We both had tempers when drunk. Well, I gave that child up for adoption, he would have interfered with my drinking. I moved in with my mother after she had a series of heart attacks and cared for her. She made amends to the best of her ability and I understand she was a very sick person who did the best she could with what she had. Mom died in Nov. of 1982, I went on a six month-long drunk, then moved back to the town my grandmother lived in. I stayed at an aunt and uncle's house, then found a place of my own. Now, I said at the start of this that alcohol was my primary addiction, but actually food was and still is. I was encouraged to attend overeaters anonymous meetings by my aunt that I had lived with when I was in high school.
Now, she had just found AA, and was very instrumenttal in my early recovery. I stayed dry for awhile and had my last drunk on August 24, 1983. I attended OA meetings and then in April of 1984 stole some drugs from a patient and went nearly insane, and became suicidal. While attending OA, I had made a re-connection with my church and called the pastor. He helped me to calm down and sleep. Next day while with friends from OA and AA, I said something that made the pastor suggest AA to me.
I went to my first meeting that day and have been going ever since. My sobriety date is April 14, 1984. Since finding a degree of sanity through the 12 steps, I have found that I am not such a bad person, just sick. I have found a Higher Power that loves and cares for me and takes care of me no matter what. I believe that I have found this through the Grace of God and the gift that He has given me is the most wonderful thing that I have ever been given.
Through the program, I was able to make amends to my grandmother and thank her for all the things she did for me. I was also to come to know the child that I gave up for adoption. He was the only child I ever had and is very special to me. He's 23 now and has a child of his own. I met my wonderful husband in the fellowship. He has 22 years without a drink. We have had our problems and will have them in the future, but with the help of the program of recovery and God, we will work through them. I hope what I have shared here helps someone on some level. I know that in writing this down, I have renewed my gratitude and am so glad that bj hounded me into it. Love you, bj! I hope that everyone that reads this is grateful for what they have today, because that's what it's all about, gratitude and sanity. I'll close with one of my favorite slogans- KISS, Keep It Simple...Sweethearts. Lyla D.
I'll probably not kill you by choice as I know that without you I will need
to find another hostage who may not be as easy to control, but eventually
you will die if you stand in my way. Such is my addiction. Breaking the chains of another is next to impossible. I could not even break my own. Today I rely on a Power Greater Than Myself to keep me safe from me. That you and all them other folks get to be safe from me is an added plus. One more 24.....one more chance to get to get to my pillow tonight still sober. I am blessed. May the New Year bring your heart Peace.
FOUR DAYS TO NINE YEARS
Today would have a been a Monday.....means I likely went to church the day
before....good chance I was too screwed up to even know I was there but
there I probably was.....somehow, even before I gave up drinking and using
I knew that the Grace of God was probably the only thing gonna save a
wretch like me.
Drunk, zoned on smack, cranked on cocaine......didn't matter....I still
kept finding my way back to God.....by this time I had almost completed
enuf correspondence school Bible Study (started in jail last time I was in)
for an associates degree. Had read thousands of pages of Martin Luther's
Works, and was involved in the stage production stuff surrounding the
choir, Christmas stuff, and other church community productions.
Would sit in cheap ass beer bars and assure folks that God didn't care if I
was the biggest dern drunk the world had ever seen....there was place
waiting for me in heaven and all I had to do was get there. As much as I
was drinking and using I figured it wouldn't be long. Faith is an amazing
thing.
THREE DAYS TO NINE YEARS
Good chance I had scrounged enuf for that pint of rotgut rum and as soon as
my friends were gone I walked to the liquor store.....God I remember those
walks back clear as can be.....well, at least the start of them.....pretty
tall scrub brush in the fields on the way back so I was sluggin away at the
bottle and pretty much stumbled back in to the pasture where my camp
trailer was parked. Slammed back the rest of it and fell out.
Woke up a few hours later still drunk....hungry.....went inside the main
house to eat and scrounge for more change.....ahhhh found it....cool....had
a coffee or two, ate, and tromped back to the liquor store to do it all
again.....It had become a never-ending story.....scrounge pass-out come to eat
scrounge pass-out come to eat scrounge pass-out come to....three days to
nine years......
TWO DAYS TO NINE YEARS
Takes a bit of planning. Means an early morning fade to black with crash
time to be over about 3 pm so's I can get some food in me and be to
rehearsal by 7. All goes according to plan and I leave for town in the
broke down Honda station wagon I've been cruising in. Every thing of
importance is in the back as I won't be returning to the rancho afterwards.
Gonna spend the next two nights prior to court in town at my sisters.
Bum enuf money from my host for gas, smokes, burger, and fries and head to
town. Buy just enuf gas to get there, the smallest burger I can find, and
spend the rest on cheap cigarettes, a pack of gum, and cheaper vodka.
Vodka doesn't smell so much ya know?
By the time I get to church at least I'm not shaking so bad. The church
elders have all written notes for me to take to court. Many have agreed to
come along including Pastor Bill. I am a miracle in the making don't ya
know, and drunk, sober, or somewhere in between, God has a plan for my life
and these people know it. No fire and brimstone around here folks, just the
quiet knowledge that God works in mysterious ways and that Grace will see
us through.
After rehearsal I head to my little sis's where I will crash on the sofa
for the next two nights. My God what a rescue ranger she is. And how
wonderful it must be to have a large assortment of "mother's little
helpers" to soften reality enuf to keep from being a alkie like her older
brother......sigh....So I down the rest of the vodka in hopes of the quick pass out once I get there. Alcohol still works for me just fine. Get there and fade to black.
ONE DAY TO NINE YEARS
Cash....must have cash....scrounge thru the sofa I just came to on....not
much there, might be enuf for a mini bottle of rum or two....sis wakes up
and I bum some cash from here. Gotta leave to take my car to the side of my
brothers house. Once I get there I tell him if I get locked up for a long
time to just dump the dern thing down by the junkyard. Not worth the trouble.
I walk away from my brothers and head to a local beer bar.....hey, it was
the closest one....slam a few back and start feeling somewhat human
again....grab a bus back to sis's......she's gone so rustle up some food
and walk to the liquor store. Got enuf left for a two mini-rums. Down the
first one right out back and save the 2nd one for right before I go back in
to her apt.
Down it and go in......she's still not home, and I ain't nowhere near fade
to black. Rustle thru her bedroom looking for change. Rustle thru the
nephews bedroom looking for change. Yes!!!! Back to the liquor store. I get back again, sis is still not home and so I fall out. Not the dead to the world pass-out I wanted but sleep comes quickly enuf......one day to nine years.
NINE YEARS
My turn comes quick enuf. Enter a guilty plea, point out my entourage,
submit my many character reference notes from the folks at church. Judge
sez 6 months and reprimands me to the custody of the sheriff. At least it
isn't state time. Judge sez I just finagled the sweetest deal he's seen in
a long time. Dealing down 7 years to 6 months on a case I had no chance to
win anyways. The cuffs go on and I begin the slow walk to the side door
glancing at my friends. Tears, half smiles, quiet knowledge that all things
work to the good for those who seek God.
So there I was 9 years ago today. Hand cuffs. And so it began. My prayer
(God help me.) had been answered, I just didn't know it yet. It's a miracle
I tell ya. Yup, nine years sober today. For a guy who never could and never
did quit drinking that ain't bad.
So off I go to the world of incarceration. Oh Joy!!!!.......Spend the rest
of the morning fading in and out in a holding cell after being deliced.
Finally get sent to a tank. And the first thing I do is fill out the
paperwork to see the shrink to get some downers. I'm told I'll get to see
the shrink once I get to the pig farm out at Banning, California....sigh...So I settle for aspirin from the pill line and crawl under a cover. What a wonderful way to detox.
A couple days later I'm on the bus to the pig farm in full leg-irons,
waistband, and cuffs chained up with 20 or so other dudes. Powerless to the
max. Get there, get rolled in, and again fill out the paperwork to see the
shrink.....wait, wait, wait. Decide to enter the GED class, take the test
cold and hit like the 98th percentile.
Finally the shrink....YES!!!!.....When ya got downers you got
juice!!!....I've seen this shrink before.....no problemo....But Yikes she
tossed a curve ball. Sez it sounds like I've been trying to quit. Tells me
to apply to the substance abuse program unit and if they don't take me to
come back and she would set me up. Rock and a hard place. Damn!
So a few days later I'm sitting outside the unit with Al Bell. I keep
trying to say all the right things in hopes of convincing him that I am
past being helped. Al's a normie retired Naval Officer with 27 years in the
recovery field. He ain't buying. Takes me in. Next day finds me rolled in
to the unit. Al tells me he is going to walk me thru Step Five, that he
hopes I take Step Three, and the he prays I'll take Step One and appoints
an older black man with like 45 days sober to be my sponsor.
I tell Al......'But you don't understand, I CAN'T quit drinking!'.....And Al
sez...'Mark, you don't have to. Take the steps instead'.
So I do what I'm told and then lie my way thru Step Five the day before my
release. To bad I got no home. I had applied to Teen Challenge (a church
friend was on the board so I was a shoe-in) and the pig farm Chaplain
brought me a suitcase with a few clothes in it and took me there. The main
intake dude was out of town so they had another guy talk to me. As we
talked it became evident that Teen Challenge was a Christian LIFE School,
not a Christian 12 Step Program thing as advertised. Not good.
Couldn't get taken in that day anyways, so the Chaplain takes me to little
sis's apartment. The "don't go home even if you do have one" thing (which I
didn't btw) I had learned from Al was heavy on my head. Got settled in and
took off walking to a meeting......heard that Whiteside Manor in Riverside
had a county bed that was open......went to a meeting the next day and the
Whitesider's were there again. Still open.
I called the next morning, and was told to come in for an interview.
Afterwards, "Uncle" Ron calls me in to his office. Talk for minute or three
and he keys his PA mike.....Don, to the office.....looks at me and sez
where's yer stuff....I tell him...Don shows.....RON SEZ: Take him to get
his stuff. Looks at me. RON SEZ: Lose the mustache.
I spend the next 7 months or so lying my way thru the steps (again). I'm
pressing to get to residential (4 guys to a house). Counselor Chris looks
at me one afternoon and sez.....Mark, yer not ready. You'll be back.....I
know what I have to do. Call my sponsor hoping to get his answering machine
to make an appointment. The sumbuck is home! I calmly say....Ed, there's
one more thing and tell him The Take It To The Grave Secret.....He
sez...Thanks for calling Mark, call me again tomorrow. Within a week I am
at a residential unit on the other side of town.
So that be what it was like, and what happened. What it's like now can
hardly be put in to words.
Didn't have a driver's license for my first three years. Today I've even
got insurance. Couldn't get a car loan for 6 years, just yesterday the wife
was talking about trading in the 97 Camaro for a new car.
Used to be that I would show up on a jobsite, and the general foremen would
hide. Today they call me off the union hall list by name. Used to be I
couldn't borrow a buck from anybody, today I've got friends that say "need
a few hundred? get it back to me when ya can."
Used to be I traded dreams away to get loaded. Today I live dreams I never
knew I had. Used to be I couldn't face the sunrise without something to
dull the pain. Today I greet the sunrise knowing that any pain I feel today
is an indication that growth is in progress. And it used to be that I had
no hope. I am an alcoholic, a drug addict, a gambler. Today I give hope away.
Sober by the Grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And
still as powerless over alcohol as I was the day I got here.
Bj's Story, DOS-5/15/1985Note: In all my years of recovery, I was not asked to tell my story. I am grateful to do so here and hope it inspires anyone to seek recovery if they are suffering.
Mom
6/7/1929-6/22/2004Phil 4:13... "I can do all things through God, who strengthens me."
Easy Does It... But Do It! bj
David, our brother
Keep On Keepin' On...
4/2/1958-4/5/1999
Debbi's Story, DOS-4/1/1999
So I gave it to God that night. 
Lisa's Story, DOS-11/24/1998
Here is a little bit about myself. I am 37 years old and basically a single mom with 2 boys. My oldest is Michael and he is almost 3. My youngest is Dominic and he is 18 months. My drug of choice is cocaine/crack cocaine which I used for 18 years on and off. My sobriety date is November 24, 1998. It was a long, hard struggle to get there. I still struggle some days with the craving to use especially when I am stressed out or things go
wrong, but I think it through to the end. That picture is not one I wish to look at any time soon. I have been in 6 different rehabs and the program for a long time.
More to come at a later date.
Lyla's Story, DOS-11/14/1984
My name is Lyla and I am an alcoholic and addict. Alcohol was my primary addiction, so most of what I relate is from that perspective. I was born in upstate New York to a woman whose husband had left her shortly before I was born. She left me with my grandparents after I was born and essentially, with the exception of short visits, disappeared from my life. I lived with my grandparents, an aunt and uncle, that were still at home and a couple of foster children that my grandparents were caring for. They had a working farm, so my early childhood was one of outdoors and healthy living. My grandparents decided to adopt me, then my mother decided she was going to raise me after all. At the age of five I went from the farm with children to play with and two loving adults, to a small one bedroom upstairs apartment with a single mom and a friend that babysat for her. For the next six and a half years I lived with my mom. She wasn't truely a horrible person, but she was a closet alcoholic, with a pattern of binge drinking. When she was denied this, for whatever reason, I was the one punished. My mother yelled, degraded, and beat me on a regular basis. My grandparents had moved to Florida in 1960 and my mother and I followed in 1968, the year after my grandfather died.
Every so often something wonderful happens on the Internet and a connection is made in which someone else takes a step towards openess and though in this case, this story is that of a man's, it's very similar to many many stories never told. Every time this happens, I'm reminded that there's hope in that a seed is planted every time the story is read in order to endure the hard road to recovery, and then living on it every day.
Addiction doesn't have a preferred gender...many thanks to "Powerless Mark" for sharing his story... 
FIVE DAYS TO NINE YEARS............
It wasn't really much of my doing. This recovery thing. I think the bottom
line is that most of us die (and take a few others with us) prior to
getting anywhere near recovery. Somebody's junkie is just like me. If you stand between me and my drug of choice, there is a very good chance I will kill you. Such is my addiction. I will use your hope, your dreams, your love, your anger, your hatred for both me and yourself, to get from you what I want.....another fix.
Can't hardly remember what I was doing 4 days before.....kinda sorta living
in a dilapidated 12 foot camp trailer parked way out in the corner of my
buddies property outside of town.....scrounging thru their sofa, drawers, and change jars for enuf to pick up cheap bottles of rotgut rum.....hanging near the pool hall when I could there hustlin folks for booze, cocaine, heroin.....whatever I could get my hands on....knowing that I had a court date coming up in a few days and generally preparing to spend a whole lot of time behind bars......real chance at the big yard instead of just county time..... So yup, today would have been a Monday......four more days till 9 years sober.....and for a guy who never did quit drinking that ain't bad.
Would have been a Tuesday. Court date looming larger. Big time at the big
yard. Looking at 7 years. 3 for dui, 3 for dwi, 1 for probation violation.
Was seriously considering Mexico. Knew if I did I would probably never see
my kids again. Heck, probably wouldn't even make it there.
Would have been a Wednesday. Still living....grin, that's a good one, "living"....in the dilapidated camp trailer outside of town. Things to do today. Got stage manager stuff to do at church tonight. Final chance to train the new young sound tech, and make sure all the lights, camera, action stuff is in order.
Whoops, fast forward.....lost a day somehow....musta been a drunk. Came to knowing that tomorrow would be court day. Got one last day of freedom(?) in which tie up loose ends. Looking at a seven year stretch makes for a not too rosy outlook.
Awoke on sister's sofa. No money, no booze. Coffee, shower, dress for
court. Pastor Bill shows up to take me downtown. Check the dockets and find
our way to the courtroom. Congregational President is there. Musical
Director is there. Secretary is there. We all yak for a bit and Pastor Bill
leads us in prayer. Sis shows up after taking her kids to school.
Oh what the hell, I got levi's and a white shirt instead of an orange
jumpsuit. I got a single bed instead of a double bunk. I got a small file
cabinet for a dresser. We got a big screen tv. We got tables and chairs. We
got a living room for gosh sakes! With sofas and overstuffed chairs. We get
to eat with a knife and fork. We got 17 guys in a barracks built to hold
60. We got stuff.
That woman (a normie) who took the kids and ran for her life from a drug
and alcohol crazed loony sent our daughter to live with the new wife and I
when the girl started to fall thru the cracks surrounding a single parent
home. My son and I are actually friends today. When I go to visit they let
me spend the night. Woman used to cringe at my sight. Today we talk about
the days that were with fondness. Healing is wondrous thing. It's a miracle I tell ya!
I wrote this story out over the course of 6 or 7 days a year and a half ago. The days are still one at a time for me as the miracle continues. Again, not bad for a guy who never did quit drinking.
"powerless mark"
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