- "The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired."
- "A pint of example is worth a gallon of advice."
- "When all else fails, read the instructions."
- "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
- "Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
- "Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for."
- "Archaeologists will date any old thing."
- "Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?"
- "Don't count your chickens before they cross the road."
- "A clean tie attracts the soup of the day."
- "Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise."
- "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
- "It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education."
- "When dangling, watch your participles."
- "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
- "If you don't care where you're going any road will get you there."
- "Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep until noon."
- "If the going gets easy you may be going downhill."
- "Drive defensively -- buy a tank."
- "The easy way is always mined."
- "So many books...So little time."
- "Don't put all your eggs in the wrong basket."
- "He who forgives ends the quarrel."
- "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."
- "If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- "The Road to Enlightenment is long and difficult. Bring snacks and a book to read."
- "In the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before."
- "Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?"
- "Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
- "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
- "Familiarity breeds children."
- "If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it."
- "SAVE THE CHOCOLATE MOOSE!"
- "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
- "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
- "Make friends before you need them."
- "Frogs have it easy, they can eat what bugs them."
- "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
- "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard!"
- "The problem with the gene pool is most people are in the shallow end!"
- "GOD'S LAST NAME ISN'T DAMMIT!"
- "One good turn gets most of the blanket."
- "The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a life time."
- "Hard work pays off in the future ...... laziness pays off NOW!"
- "Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
- "Inflexibility is the hallmark of the tiny mind."
- "Our inner child should be spanked regularly and sent to bed without supper."
- "Artificial Intelligence: The other guy's opinion."
- "A Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think."
- "If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"
- "No man knows less than the man who knows it all."
- "Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid."
- "Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege."
- "He who laughs last thinks slowest!"
- "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
- "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
- "Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts."
- "The highway of life is always under construction".
- "Life is uncertain, eat dessert first."
- "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards".
- "If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself".
- "Lost time is never found again."
- "Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."
- "The hardest thing about business is minding your own."
- "Birds have bills too, but they keep on singing."
- "Borrow money from pessimists ...... they don't expect to get paid back!"
- "It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere."
- "It's nice to be important, but more important to be nice."
- "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory!"
- "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."
- "Choosing the lesser of two evils, is still choosing evil."
- "I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines."
- "The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge."
- "Reality is the only obstacle to happiness."
- "Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?"
- "Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world."
- "The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's untravelled territory."
- "One shouldn't be so open-minded your brains fall out."
- "Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else."
- "Life takes its toll. Bring change!"
- "By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends."
- "Money talks and often just says "Good Bye".
- "I lent 4,000 to a friend of mine to have plastic surgery. Now, I don't know what he looks like to collect."
- "Normal is just a cycle on the washing machine!"
- "When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, Naugahyde and aluminum."
- "If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!"
- "I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention!"
- "Swallowing your pride seldom leads to indigestion."
- "Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether."
- "My reality cheque bounced."
- "Having a sharp tongue will cut your throat."
- "I don't suffer from stress .... I'm a carrier."
- "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
- "If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!"
- "Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying."
- "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
- "He who throws mud loses ground."
- "Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?"
- "The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it."
- "If we get corn oil from corn, where do we get baby oil from?"
- "If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?"
- "Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment."
- "Laughter is the music of life."
- "One cannot love what he cannot respect, whether it be himself or another.
"
- "The hardest thing of all to give is ... in."
- "Folks who think they must always speak the truth overlook another good choice ... silence."
- "I like long walks ... especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
- "Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been."
- "Look at the bright side. No matter how old you are, you are younger than you will ever be
again."
- "A true friend will put a finger on your faults without rubbing them in."
- "A compliment is verbal sunshine."
- "No person can be considered a failure who has been the cause of a child's laughter."
- "Letting go often develops more strength than holding on."
- "If you want to be happy, take things as they come and don't hold on to them as they go."
- "If we took time to count our blessings, we'd be too busy to complain."
- "If you can't love a person for what he is, love him for what you can help him become."
- "The nice thing about your smile is that everyone thinks it's meant for him."
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