What is it?

This page has had visitors since 12-20-2000.

Emergency Medical Services, EMS, is the business of life.
This page is dedicated to educating the public on the resources available through EMS, as told by a 9 year veteran. As the page progresses, I will be adding more information about one of the youngest and fastest growing branches of the Medical Field, from it's history to it's goals. I will include information on how to join, how to contact us, what to do before we arrive, the serious side of EMS, and the lighter side of EMS.

EMS: THE BUSINESS OF LIFE

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. -
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again...
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of'em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. ...and could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
13. what do mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
14. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
15. I hope his family won't miss him
16. "And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape."
17. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
18. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
19. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
20. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
21. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
22. She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

1. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
2. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
3. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
4. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
5. Your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint.
6. You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis.
7. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
8. You believe that chocolate is a food group.
9. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says,"Boy, it sure is quiet around here".
10. When you're out in public and you compliment a complete stranger on their great veins.
11. You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Center".
12. You hate working on nights with a full moon.
13. You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate for this patient.
14. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "SUICIDE...Getting it Right the First Time!"
15. You have had to leave a patient's room before you began laughing uncontrollably.
16. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
17. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
18. The most commonly uttered phrase after midnights is "What changed tonight at 0200 hours that makes it an emergency after 6 monthes?"
19. You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.
20. You have ever referred to the ER as a "shit magnet".
21. You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a Valium salt lick.
22. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab.
23. When ordering labs, the doctor wants to order a "dumb shit profile".
24. When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.
25. You are totally astounded when someone from the lab speaks English.
26. You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you say,"No, I don't worry about birth control...I've been irradiated."
27. Your patient states, "I have no idea how that got stuck up there".
28. You can identify the "positive teeth vs tattoo" ratio.
29. You have your weekends off, marked and planned for a year.
30. You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA just so you don't have to deal with them anymore.
31. You use your status to get out of speeding tickets.
32. You use the word GOMER in a sentence more than once a night.
33. You have ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.
34. You threaten to use "the hose" if your patient won't give you a urine specimen.
35. After someone tells you how many drinks the've had ,your question is"...and how big were those drinks?"

His gown opens in back, showing nothing but naked flesh.

Uses a Ninja Turtles lunch box for a medical bag.

Announces he *will* be using anesthesia -- on himself.

Diploma reads, "Acme Institute of Home Surgery."

Follows a chart that has a large red arrow saying, "Begin here".

Says the word "oops!" a lot.

Two words: "Doogie Howser"

Refers to Gray's Anatomy with alarming frequency.

Touches up scalpel with knife sharpener before the incision.

Wears Platex Living Gloves to operate because they're "so thin he can pick up a dime".

Screams, "Prostate check! Ok, Buddy, feet out and spread 'em!"

and the number 1 Sign Your Surgeon May Not Be Legit...



Tells you to take off your clothes, puts on a Sinatra record.

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi