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sunday 24 march 2002
i am in dire need of a new internet service provider, and paradise.net are being slack as all hell with sending me some registration forms.
my file transfer programme is about as reliable as a chinese motorbike right now, taking forever to upload files and closing down at random intervals.
my html editor has been in hock lately, necessitating me to get a new one, which i only just managed to do today.
spare time has been thin on the horizon, as has motivation. it's hard to maintain a website with updates every couple of days, especially when you'd much rather play puzzle bobble or grim fandango.
this is my official list of reasons for not updating at all in the past week. it's nothing personal, i haven't been boycotting you because of your odour, it's just been hard going this week.
what the hell happened to the presidents of the united states of america? they kicked arse! remember "peaches"? "lump"? "kitty"? "backporch"? "mach 5"? "twig"? "puffy little shows"? "toob amplifier"? a classic, each and every one of them. the presidents did something not often seen in music today; they made music that was catchy and fun to sing along too, simple in a spike milligan/monty python kind of way, so you needn't feel embarrassed if you know all the words. sing them with pride, man, with pride! i used to have their second album. if only i still did. but i don't.
the last i heard, they called it quits, finishing while still ahead, with no regrets and nothing but glory.
Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
dated humour is the best kind of humour. and small is the best kind of tumour. and hearsay is the best kind of rumour. and tighty whitey is the best type of puma.
the a-team is on tonight. i mustn't forget to watch. i've forgotten for about a month to watch this peon of high-quality tv, so i must watch.
in other news, i got my tool ticket the other day. 18 april. fucken aye.
Here it is, the secret chart used by
bachelors worldwide, because they don't have wives who can
recognize on sight (and sometimes before) when the Big Mac has
become one with the special sauce.
IN THE FREEZER & FRIDGE:
ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice
cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.
FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of
the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably
be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with
a kitchen knife.
EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell,
the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like
yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage
cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like
regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway
-- if you can dig down and still find ssomething non-green, bon
appetite!
MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from
a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the
meat.
UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're
tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. EMPTY
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: - Most food cannot be kept longer
than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your
refrigerator to gauge this.
ON THE SHELF:
CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or
shape of a softball should be disposed of ... Very carefully.
POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense,
leafy undergrowth.
THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for
leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially
acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface
of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green
growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into
a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard
it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.
CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should
be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration
date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.
FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when
you open it.
PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can
no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's
nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put
down only 4000 years ago.
RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.
SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable
amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh
salt usually pours.
SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be
fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.
VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.
EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you
to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on
groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to
replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your
kitchen.
Homer sez: "Look, just give me some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with you."
saturday 16 march 2002
a lot of happenings in the music world this week. britney spears got pelted with bottles of urine while filming a music video in the uk ("We kept hearing the same song over and over..."). let me be the latest of many to say "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHALOLLLOLOLLOFOTLFLOERLAL!!!!!!!! kudos to thsoe british, they are people of fantastic taste. and sure, we've all toyed with the notion of bombarding britney spears with numerous projectiles, but the brits can't be faulted for their creativity; the urine was a really nice touch.
also, this was posted on the shihad website:
SHIHAD SPIT THE DUMMY
It's Official, the name has changed
With Shihad’s passionate fan base staging an internet and
gossip riot, and with the band, management and record company
under siege from media and fans in the US, New Zealand and
Australia the band have made an unannounced appearance under
their highly anticipated new name PACIFIER at The Viper Room in
LA
When confronted after the gig front man Jonny Toogood explained
the bands sudden, unpredictable and unorthodox announcement as he
left for the band’s hotel shouting ..
“That should shut the fuckers up”
With the band forced into a name change for numerous reasons the
process of finding a new name has been an unenviable task. After
months of speculation and constant inquiry the band have
confirmed that the name they played under at the Viper Room is
indeed the name they love and are sticking with.
“We know many of our fans will be annoyed that we
didn’t announce officially on our web site or something more
formal”, Jon says, “but we are a rock band not a bank
and we can’t sit still long enough for a press conference
– and besides it’s tattooed on my mums back, you tell
her to change it!”
- Warner Music Australia Press Release
for the benefit for those among us that have been dwelling in a cave in bulgaria for the past six months, shihad have been under fire (BAD PUN ALERT!) because of the supposed similarity between their name and the word "jihad" (you know, a holy war). nevermind the fact that they've been known as shihad over a whole decade and four albums, but who cares? their name is potentially offensive to people that wouldn't even buy their album anyway! we must change it!
still, it's better than that other name i heartd floating around. i mean, c'mon, Remote?!? who the hell wants to go see a band named Remote?!?
Jonny Toogood had a brilliant quote there though: "That should shut the fuckers up". if only, Jon, if only...
another blinding quote from the man he-self: "I hate hearing bands talking about having a more mature record. I'm pretty sure the essence of rock & roll doesn't lie in maturity." the man knows of what he speaks.
and tommy lee's releasing another album. who cares? exactly.
FUCKING DUMB FACTS
it is impossible to lick your elbow (damn!)
a crocodile can't stick it's tongue out (so he can't make fun of you)
a shrimp's heart is in it's head (and it's brain is in it's...)
it is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky (let alone fly into it)
rats and horses can't vomit (poor sods, don't know what they're missing)
if you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. if you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck. if you could keep your eyes open by force, they would pop out (for christ's sake, don't get hayfever)
in the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders. (thanks for that one)
most lipstick contains fish scales (and most kfc contains anti-freeze, what's your point?)
Homer sez: "Any time, honey. Just remember, never be afraid to live life on the edge. Now let's get home before your mother kills us!"
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