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grimace was right; the hard part of maintaining a website comes when you don't have anything to say. i've got a headache and ingrowing toenails, but i'll do my best to be entertaining.

my doctor has a box labelled "Placebo Asthma Medication" in his office. (...) ok, maybe that one's just for me.

it would be a lot harder for most of us to kill insects if they had tails to wag and big brown eyes to make us feel guilty.

random tool fact: you ever heard that song "three little pigs" by green jelly? maynard is the voice behind the "not by the hairs on our chinny-chin-chin!" bit.

i bought a double-cd "the best of the doors" yesterday, which had "special enhanced cd rom", with "The Famous Roadhouse Blues Footage!". yep, they put that exclaimation point in the tracklisting. and what footage! jim morrison drunk! onstage! wow, i've never seen that before! i never would've seen THAT coming!

my wrists make a clicking noise when i twirl them. there must be a way for me to make money off that

39 Warning Signs of Insanity

1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
11. You laugh out loud during funerals.
12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
17. You collect dead windowsill flies.
18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.
20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
27, Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
28. Melba toast excites you.
29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity.
39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"

oh no. oh no mr gerbil, this most certainly will not hold much water with me. the day i allow a nameless, faceless corporation sign my guestbook without repurcutions is the same day janet reno looks like a woman. i declare war on you, good sir. i shall strike upon thee with great vengence and furious anger. but first i'll have lunch.

honestly, what would i want a collection agency for? what kind of collection agency solicits customers by targetting internet guestbooks. i'm just waiting for the mormons to leave their mark.

however, there is good in my guestbook; so far, most you agree with me that The Simpsons is the shizzy. was there ever any doubt?

Lenny: Hey Homer, that's four strikes in a row. You've got a perfect game going.
Homer: Really?
Carl: Careful what you say, Lenny; you'll jinx him.
Lenny: Oh, right, sorry.Miss! Miss! Sorry, I was calling the waitress. Ah, this split you sold me is making me choke.
Homer: Lenny!
Lenny: What? I paid 7.10 for this split.
Carl: Will you at least call it a banana split, you dumbwad?
Lenny: Hey, spare me your gutter-mouth.

Burns: Smithers, we're at war!
Smithers: I'll begin profiteering, sir.
Burns: And hoarding. Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry.

Homer: Oh, but Marge! Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig?
Bart: Yeah, not to mention lookin' like a pig, eatin' like a pig...
Apu: [from front window] Don't forget the smell!
Homer: Will you get off my front lawn?
Apu: Why don't you make me?
Homer: Why? Oh, I give up.

Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? Come on people, somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra... posssibly while hiiiiiiiigh...Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction....

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of
looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever
you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart,
Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak,
Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene
in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Homer sez: "Uh-uh. Forget it, Marge. There is no way I am spending my Saturdays at a museum. Unless...museums don't have foosball, do they?"

on february 26, 1994, Bill Hicks, perhaps the most profound philospher/comedian of modern times, gave his last breath after a lengthy battle with cancer. eight years on, he is still fondly remembered. while he himself may be dead, his values and beliefs have not. he was famous for his unique blend of insightful ranting and razor sharp joke telling and the likes of him are not likely to be seen again. here are some of his finest moments:

Download some great Bill Hicks MP3s here

"How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be newsworthy, just once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be newsworthy: 'Today a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves...here's Tom with the weather."

"They lie about marijuana. tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie. When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well, you just realise, it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference: '(Toke, toke, toke) Sure I can get up at dawn (toke, toke), go to a job I hate, that does not inspire me creatively whatsoever, for the rest of my fucking life. (Toke, toke) Or I can wake up at noon and learn to play the sitar!' Pretty simple when it's spelled out in black and white, isn't it?"

"They don't want the voice of reason spoken folks, 'cause otherwise we'd be free and otherwise we wouldn't believe their fucking horseshit ies, nor the fucking propaganda machine, the mainstream media, nor buy their fucking horseshit products that we don't fucking need and become a third world consumer plantation, which is what we're becoming. Fuck them! They're liars and murderers. All governments are liars and murderers."

"By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising...kill yourself. There's no rationalisation for what you do and you are Satan's little helpers...you are Satan's spawn filling the world with bile and garbage. You are fucked and you are fucking us. Kill yourself. It's the only way to save your fucking soul."

"Isn't it interesting that two drugs that are legal, alcohol and cigarettes, two drugs that do absolutely nothing for you whatsoever, and drugs that grow naturally upon this planet, drugs that open your eyes up to make you realise how you're being fucked every day of your life, those drugs are against the law. Coincidence? I don't know. I'm sure their motives are pure."

I love talking about the Kennedy assassination, that's my favourite topic, you know why? Cause to me, it's a great archetype example of how the totalitarian government who rules the planet partitions out information in such a way that we, the masses, are forced to base our conclusions of erroneous...I'm sorry, wrong meeting. I thought this was the meeting at the docks, no?"

"I'll tell you who the threat to the status quo is in this country, it's us. That's why they show you shows like fucking Cops, so you know that state power will win and we'll bust your house down and we'll fuckin' bust ya anytime we want. That's the message."

"Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit...paranoid? You know what I mean? It's nature. How do you make nature against the fucking law? It grows everywhere. Serves a thousand different uses, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake."

"Here's the deal folks. You do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call forever. End of story. You're another corporate fucking shill, you're another whore at the capitalist gang-bang, and if you do a commercial there's a price on your head, everything you say is supect and every word that comes out of your mouth is like a turd falling into my drink."

"Gays in the military...I don't know how y'all feel about it, here's how I feel about it. Anyone dumb enough to wanna be in the military should be allowed in. End of fucking story. That should be the only requirement."

"Whaddya say we lighten things up and talk about abortion...I've always found it fascinating, how people act on their beliefs: Pro-lifers murdering doctors, ha ha. It's irony on a base level but I like it. That's what fundamentalism breeds, no irony, they take the world literally. Fundamentalists...yeah...once again, I recommend a healthy dose of psylocibin mushrooms."

"Christianity is such an odd religion. I was raised that way and you can just suffer for it. The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. Ha ha. Believe or die! Thank you Lord, for all those options!"

"Pot is a better drug than alcohol. Fact. And I'll prove it to you. You're at a ball game, you're at a concert, someone's really violent, aggressive and obnoxious. Are they drunk or are they smokin' pot? I've never seen people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking impossible."

"Not a time to quit smoking kids. But I fucking did it. And yes, I miss 'em. It is hard to quit smoking. Everyone of them looks real good to me right now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy."

"Here is my final point about drugs, about alcohol, about pornography - what business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see or take into my body as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet. And for those of you out there who are having a little moral dilemma in your head how to answer that question, I'll answer it for ya - none of your fucking business."

"Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to be a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defence each year and instead, spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace."

today i got asked by Alfonzo Belushi from TSOBBTFT (see the link at the bottom of the page; just click on Raoul Duke) if i wanted him to put a banner for Burnt Hamster on his site. so i whipped up a couple tonight in between picking my toenails:

on that note, if you want to put one or both of these up on your site, feel free. put them up at your bus stop. tattoo them on your brother's forehead. carve them into your forearm. anything to get the word around, you have my permission.

Homer sez: "You know, to be loved, you have to be nice to people, everyday. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat!"

The D4 have come a long way. they just recently released their debut album '6Twenty', featuring such classic songs as 'Come On', 'Party', 'Ladies Man', and, everyone's favourite, 'Rock N Roll Motherfucker'. they are not much longer for these shores; they are soon to depart to europe, as well as cracking the us by performing for the South By South West festival. but first, they're playing a few gigs around the country.

last night started off kinda crap, even for a free concert. the opening band were the incisions, three of the worst musicians in existence. there are a lot of factors that makes them suck, so i made a list:

* during a 40 minute set, they didn't say ONE SINGLE FUCKING WORD to the audience

* nor did they face the audience very much (except for the drummer, but he didn't have very much choice)

* the bass player had a bass with only two strings. i got the impression he's only halfway through 'Bass Playing For Dummies'.

* at one stage, the drummer got up to get a drink, so a stand-in drummer played for a song until he came back.

because they didn't talk to us, the audience, we had no idea what any of the 'songs' were called, but i'm pretty sure they were named stuff like 'look how hard we rock' and 'check out how fast i can drum' and ' because i can play guitar, it means i have a big penis'. these noise merchants played what is pretty much the musical equivalent of flopping their dicks out and just whacking it right there onstage. if i wanted masturbation, i'd listen to limp bizkit. the guitarist was the worst of the lot; he played as if he had only just discovered that his guitar can make distortion. not even three pints could make it sound any good.

of course, The D4 made up for this atrosity 45 times over. they belted out all the songs i mentioned above, as well as a few new ones (including one they claimed to have written last time they were in christchurch - "I keep my baby in a box").

it's hard to emphasise how much they ruled the night; that's like trying to explain the second coming to someone who wasn't there. let's just say my eardrums have never rung this much, my neck's never been this stiff and i've never been this satisfied from a free concert...since the last time i saw The D4.

I managed to have a brief chat to dion, lead guitarist/singer for the D4, where i learnt the origins of the name. one night, the band walked past a sign outside the local whorehouse. on the poster, it said what was available from their 'clientele'. D1 was a handjob, D2 was a blowjob, D3 was intercourse and D4? ALL THE WAY, BABY!

Keep an eye on these young upstarts, they play rock n roll the way it was meant to be played; hard, loud and fast, and they're destined for big things.and if they come by your town, see them! you won't soon forget, a rollocking good time to be had there, no doubt.

Homer sez: "ID? Damn Charlie didn't ask for ID when I fought at La Choy, and Chun King. I saw my best friend's head explode at Margaret Cho."

much like fred durst, i'm getting fat. i don't mean fat as in p-h phat, but fat as in "i-wash-muh-back-with-a-rag-on-a-stick" FAT. this is most likely due to my lazy lifestyle; sitting around all day eating junk food isn't the best diet plan in the world.

in an attempt to render my old clothes too baggy to wear, i tried to lose weight 'the jarod way' by eating at subway, day in day out. until i found out that the jarod plan doesn't apply to the meatball sandwichs, so i went 'fuck this' and rolled back home.

once home, i remembered my fondness for orange juice, and envisioned being the inventor of the new OJ Diet (no, it doesn't entail the eating of football players turned murderers. that would be just silly, and this is a serious website). imagine, drinking nothing but orange juice and losing weight! it's win-win for everyone, especially me, cuz you'd all be buying my orange juice! so, i reached into my white chamber of freeze, when i saw something that i'm still getting over. the expiry date on my juice bottle reads "best before 22-01-03". this is some kind of military-concocted "super juice", capable of lasting for almost one year before being of sub-par standard. this is madness! this is obviously made from oranges that are chock full of steroids and esctacy, which is something i want no part of; i've heard steroids are dangerous.

still, that's good value for three litres of amphetamines, no doubt. i bet i could make a fair bit of coin sellin' dis shit on da street, yo.

Hypno Sparidium says:
dude, you didn't tell me the dentist gave my mum my wisdom teeth
<nacho man> says:
i thought you knew
Hypno Sparidium says:
nah, just found out tonight
<nacho man> says:
you took them from the dentist and said, "i get to keep them, sweet!"
Hypno Sparidium says:
really?

Let it be said: dentists have some goooooood shit. i barely remember anything from that night. all i remember is my dentist giving me a shot of 'jungle juice', then i'm in the car on the way home, seeing double of everything. then i had a dream that death came to me and gave me helpful advice on how to solve all my problems and deal with my inner conflicts, but when i woke up, i forgot it all. i'm pretty sure i watched drew carey that night, but i can't remember the plot. and that was the high point of the week.

despite the stories i've heard, the experience wasn't really painful at all; if you're due to have your wisdom teeth out, have no fear! it's not that bad unless you hate needles. and don't forget to ask to keep them, they make great souvenirs and easter presents. just make sure that damn fairy doesn't nick 'em. i think i might make mine into a necklace.

returning visitors may notice that this page is smaller than usual; i thought it was getting too big, so i archived the previous updates. i'll continue to do this every so often, just to conserve space. and to make myself feel important.

Homer sez: "One day soon, I will come for you. And then the game will begin. Could be in the middle of the night ... could be when you least expect it. Or, whatever's good for you, I don't care."

spike milligan was a brilliant man, inspiring such people as monthy python, the simpsons, eddie izzard, south park, and countless others. he made a huge contribution to the world. he will be missed.

Hamlet
Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
'I'll do a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use,
2B or not 2B?'

Moriarty: You have stolen my dentures! I challenge you to a duel! Choose your weapon!
Grytpype-Thynne: TEETH!
Moriarty: Aaargh, I've lost!

Major Chater Jack : I see Milligan is smoking a pipe.
Sgt Dawson : yes sir
Major Chater Jack : He looks very good smoking it.
Sgt Dawson : yes sir
Major Chater Jack : He looks manly.
Sgt Dawson : Very manly
Major Chater Jack : Unflappable?
Sgt Dawson : Definitely unflappable!
Major Chater Jack : What's he like as a soldier?
Sgt Dawson : Bloody awful sir.

Steve Wright (Radio 2 DJ): You're looking very well, Spike.
Spike: Rubbish, I've been dead for years, and nobody's brave enough to tell me.

in a futile attempt to boost my online ratings, i've decided to sell out on my dignity and cash in on my popularity. just above this sentence, you should see the links to my guestbook, part 1 of becoming what the inter-web people want from a website. in coming weeks, expect to see banner ads from here to hootenanny, more pop-ups that a toaster convention and PORN PORN PORN. hey, it's what the uterweb is all about, isn't it?

i would lament on the way the unternet used to be, rabbiting on about the way it used to be, back when the uternet was only for the very technology minded, completely devoid of ICQ nimrods, Geocites dickheads and MSN chatroom idiots. that it used to be more than just a infinite databae of porn and autopsy pictures. that's not true, what about pirated music and software? yup, the infonet is a great place to commit a felony, all from the comfort of your office chair, without the need for you to get off your lard arse.

wait a minute, ranting like this isn't popular; i better start typing what i did today. i woke up this morning to find my bed messy, which was odd, because it wasn't messy when i last saw it. this mystery bugged me all day, and bugs me still. then i went to get some breakfast, but there was none left, so i had to make do with fixslow. feeling quite unfulfilled, i went for my daily rinse off in my saturation chamber. one day i shall invent a kind of soap that doesn't attract those unidentified little curly brown hairs.

this, however, is an invention to be proud of: the Ghetto Scooter! oh, how I want one of these. if you're out there, and you can spare the $20, please please please please get me one. i'll give you a marshmallow if you do! Honest Injun!

check out the many dazzling tricks you can do on this funky beast! i want one now, mummy! now now now now now now now NOW or else i'll kill the puppy, then i'll kill myself. these guys are kings on earth. gods amongst men. pretty fucken cool.

hmmm, kinda lost my train of thought there, i was just kinda sidewinded by the Ghetto Scooter...anyway, in usmmation, the only thing more borng then being me is reading about me, yet millions of people around this orange earth seem to think it's a corking idea to crap one about how much they hate their skinnier more attractive sister. what's sadder is that sad old men get off on reading this drivel, and send these twigsticks webcams so we can sit there adn look at them looking as bored as we are all damn day. but, because they're hot, somehow that makes it not boring! genius!

forget frank zappa, al gore is the real mother of invention. it's a good thing he decided to build the old information webthingee, or what would we be doing with our spare time? jacking off to cardboard cutouts. yeah.

Homer sez: "I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am."