Chapter 9
Goodbye to You
Spike drove through the familiar
streets.
Almost home.
He glanced across at Angel, his dark
head still bowed. He hadn’t moved throughout the journey, hadn’t said another
word. Spike himself was all out of words. Nothing that either of them could say
really. He swung the wheel and the headlights arced around, the bright beam
moving across the high walls and illuminating the gates. Spike no longer had
his key fob.
“Open up, luv.”
The dark haired vampire looked
up and finally noticed where he was. He dug into a pocket and the gates opened,
throwing wide welcoming arms as they once again entered its loving embrace.
They pulled up in front of the
house. Spike got out, slouching towards the house, kicking his toes through the
gravel as he walked, his mind preoccupied with other thoughts. He heard a noise
behind him and looked back to see the dark figure slumped against the hood of
the car.
Angel started as he felt hands
moving against his face. Brown eyes were caught by blue and held.
“Hey. Don’t luv. S’ok,
everything will be ok.” Spike trailed his fingers through the soft brown hair.
“I couldn’t do anything else,
Spike.”
“Yeah. I know. I was being a
pratt.” Spike sighed softly.
“No. You don’t know. How can
you? I wanted to choose you. Wanted to just say; jeez, to hell with it all.”
“Angel, I know. I understand. I
held a frigging stake to your heart and tried to push it in! I understand,
yeah? Come on, let’s go inside.”
The two tired vampires made
their way inside, each lost to their own broken thoughts.
“So what do we do now?” Spike
asked helplessly as they lingered in the hallway.
“Sleep on it. We’ll discuss it
in the morning.”
“Sleep? What together?”
“I guess. Why?”
“No reason.”
‘…just that last time I lay next
to you I awoke to find you gone.’
Angel seemed to hear this
unspoken addendum and sighed.
“I’m tired and can honestly say
that I’m not going to be feeling perfectly happy anytime soon.”
“I get that.”
They made their way to bed in
silence, laid next to each other in silence. Angel thought of everything Spike
had endured and useless tears began to prickle behind his eyelids. He hated his
large hands for the pain they’d inflicted. Hated his mouth for the words it had
uttered.
“How can you stand to even look
at me?” He whispered.
“Cus I love you. I bloody love
you.” Spike whispered back, staring hard, trying not to blink for fear his
eyelids sweeping down would cause a flood and he’d drown in it.
Angel heard the words and sensed
the unshed tears. He wanted to pull Spike to him and whisper all those
endearments he’d never shared with anyone before. Comfort him and tell him all
would be well. Hold him so frigging close he’d melt into the very pores and
become part of him. Yet despite Spike’s words, he couldn’t bring himself to
believe his touch could be welcome, so he lay there and listened to the
silence.
Spike wanted comfort but
couldn’t bring himself to ask for what he needed. He lay there until extreme
weariness finally overcame him.
oooo
He awoke with a jolt and turned
around quickly, breathing out in relief when he saw the lump under the covers.
The lump had eyes, which were watching him closely. Spike noticed the time and
swung his legs out of bed preparing to rise. A hand snuck out from the covers
and grabbed his wrist.
“Stay.” The lump not only had
eyes, it also spoke.
“Just thought I’d better call
in. They’ll know we’re back. They’ll be worried.”
“I’ve phoned in. Said we needed
time.”
“I’m ok.”
“You slept badly.”
“Did I?”
“Yeah.”
“You’ve watched me all night?”
“Tried to, but my eyes closed in
the end.”
“Poof.”
Spike smiled and reached out to
cuff him gently, it became more of a caress and he left the back of his hand
resting against the cool cheek. Angel closed his eyes to savour the touch. Now
it was Spike’s turn to watch. Even when the eyes were shut and he couldn’t see
the soul shining out, he felt he’d still know this was Angel.
“What did you wanna do, I mean
if we’re not throwing ourselves back into the maelstrom of life.”
“I thought a few hours peace.
Feels like we’ve hit the eye of the storm at the moment, just want to enjoy it
for a while.”
He tentatively slid his fingers
down from the wrist to the pale hand. Spike watched him and gave a half smile,
swinging his legs back under the covers and nestling back into his pillows,
enjoying the way Angel playfully touched his fingers. It made his want to touch
back, but he was uncertain of how things were between them and instead sighed
and took refuge in a deluge of words.
“I can’t believe I’m lying in
bed and holding hands. It’s poofy. It’s unnatural and far too sweet, maybe even
verging on icky.”
Angel smiled and teased him
gently. “Like chocolate?”
“Yeah. No. I mean chocolate is…”
“Bad for your teeth?”
“Whereas this is just bad for my
image.”
“And who do you think is gonna
see you?”
“You never know, those bloody
slayers probably have cameras down here.”
“Yeah? Interesting. Wish we could
give them something more entertaining to watch.”
“Angel!” Spike’s eyes widened in
shock.
“What? You’re always saying
things like that.”
“Yeah, but it’s normal for me to
think like that.”
“Just cus I don’t say it doesn’t
mean I’m not thinking it.”
“Well, I’m just downright
shocked!”
“One day I’ll get this damned
curse sorted out and then I’ll shock you.”
“Yeah? Do a Richard Gere and
come sweep me of my feet?”
“Maybe.”
“To think you used to worry that
people would think you were gay.”
“Do you really think it bothered
me?”
“You were kidding?”
Angel laid back and studied the
ceiling, whilst still maintaining contact through their hands.
“Just a way to keep from
admitting anything. Keeping it light so I didn’t have to pine way for something
I could never have.”
“Oh. It’s sorta hard to believe,
you wanting me… you choosing me. It’s always been Darla, Dru or Buffy.”
“Yet through it all you were
there like my guilty little secret.” He saw Spike’s face. “Hey, no. That’s not
how I saw you. I meant…”
“Don’t stress it, Peaches,
yeah?”
Spike looked coolly indifferent
but Angel would never forget the look that had first been on his face and
realised that Spike bore older scars than he’d ever realised. And eventually he
would remove every single one of them. All the effort that Angelus put into
breaking him would be nothing to the effort Angel would use to make him whole.
“There’s no hiding anymore. If
ever I do get a permanent soul I’ll announce you to the world. I’ll take time
off work, cut the telephone lines, lock the doors and not let you out of this
bed for a week. I’ll make up a hundredfold for each pain I gave you.”
Spike felt a sudden heat sweep
over his body and he wasn’t sure if he was growling or purring.
“You’re being very vocal for a
taciturn vampire.” He finally said.
Angel saw the way his blue eyes
peeped out from under a veil of lashes and was moved by his exquisite shyness.
“You know what? To hell with
taciturn.” Angel rolled on to his side, their bodies almost touching. “Time’s
short, Spike and I want you to be in doubt, no doubt at all, how I feel about
you. You told Angelus that you thought I might love you. Did you ever doubt it?
If you did I want to make sure you never doubt it again. It crept up on me,
almost without me noticing, but here it is and it’s not going anywhere. I love
you. I’m in love with you, I want you, I need you and when I look at you I
never want to look away.”
Spike tried to moisten his dry
lips, as though the burning heat within had left him parched. Angel watched his
pink, catlike tongue with a curiously hungry look.
“Uh… maybe if I’m really bad, I
can make you unhappy?” He asked hopefully. “And then we can stay together.”
“There’s nothing you can do that
would make me unhappy.”
Spike thought about it for a
while.
“Supposing I whore around a
bit.”
“Then I’d have the pleasure of
killing everyone who touched you.”
“Hope you’re joking, Peaches. If
I can’t have you, I mean, you know, well I can’t be celibate either. That
really is unnatural.”
“I guess I was kidding. I know it’s
nothing, just a way of passing time. I guess I’d do the same.”
“Oh.”
“Now what?”
He studied the forlorn eyes.
Sometimes he could look so lost and vulnerable.
“If you did that, you might find
someone you liked more than me.”
“I suppose I might.” Angel replied
thoughtfully, as he entwined their fingers together. “That was Angelus’ plan
for a while.”
“Those men that looked like me?”
“Yeah. None of them were good
enough for him. Hell, they never even came close. Then when he thought you were
fading from this world he went to find a soul because he wanted to keep you.”
“Bollocks. He did it because he
was out of options and he didn’t wanna be contained again.”
“I’ve sort of got him inside me,
Spike. He made the choice, a piece of this body and the whole of you or the
whole of this body and you gone forever.”
“He’s trapped again, isn’t he?
He bloody hated it. I think he’d rather be dead.”
“You’re sorry for him, after all
he did?”
“I know I shouldn’t be but…”
“You love him.”
No reply and Angel’s eyes
darkened with anger and confusion.
“How can you? Do you enjoy being
hurt? Do you like being used? I’ve heard of having sympathy for the devil but
this… Jesus, just tell me why!”
“You wanna know why? He’s you,
Angel. His character, his traits. You wear a soul or you wear a demon but
underneath it’s all just you.”
Angel’s anger suddenly left and
he felt deflated.
“Its true isn’t it? I mean, it’s
hard for me to see. He’s caged again and subdued at the moment but I hold him
inside and he is something separate. But in a way he belongs here even more
than I do. I’m not whole. You were right; it’s amazing that I’m as sane as I
am.”
“You’re doing well, Pet.”
“Anyway, all I was trying to say
is that the reason he wanted a soul was for you because in his own twisted and
evil way he cared for you. You know the choice he made. And I tell you; I love
you more than that demon ever could. So what do you think? Am I gonna find
someone to replace you?”
Spike looked down again with
that curious bashfulness and Angel realised that he wasn’t used to hearing
words of love.
“I guess it would be ok, you
know… if you found someone to shag occasionally. Not exactly happy about it.”
“Not exactly making plans here.”
“When do you want me to go?”
“Hey? You don’t have to be the
one to leave. I can move out...”
“Nah. Why should you? This was
your city long before I ever turned up here. Your city, your friends. Whereas
me? I’m kinda rootless. If I’m not with you then it don’t really matter where I
am cus it won’t be home.”
“We’ll stay in touch.”
“I ‘spect I’ll still be getting
visions, so I’ll have to call you or something. Do you know how to chat on the
internet?”
“I’ll learn.”
“Get Fred to set you up with a
webcam, then I’ll be able to see you every day.”
“You get one too?”
“Yeah.”
“Where do you think you’ll go?”
“Ain’t thought about it yet.”
“Maybe we could give it a try
here first?”
“Angel?”
“Hmmm?”
Spike was gazing at him and
there was no shyness left in those eyes. As inexperienced as he was at
receiving love, there was nothing anyone could teach him about giving it.
“When I look at you, all I want
to do is touch.”
“Uhh, yeah.?” He cleared his
throat, nervous under that steady gaze.
“Yeah.”
A cool hand reached out. A nail
dragged gently over his bicep and the touch sparked electricity through his
body. Everything else faded away and all he could feel was that molten touch,
all he could hear was the slight whisper of nail on skin. Everything in him
yearned towards that point of contact. His skin, his blood, his very being,
started and ended at the point of a stubby nail. He half closed his eyes and
watched the pale hand, willing it to spread over his flesh. Take it. Own it.
“Spike.” He breathed.
“You feel so smooth. Your skin
feels like satin to my touch, I could spend the whole day just stroking your
skin.”
Spike’s voice was like sand,
borne on the heat of the desert wind. It blasted through his body and left him
raw.
Lips moved to his shoulder and
zephyr like, unneeded breath caressed his skin.
“Spike.” The word was a low
moan, almost not a word at all.
“God, Peaches. When you say my
name like that I can’t bloody help myself.”
The words were mumbled into his
shoulder, sending small vibrations through him and as the sentence ended, Spike
moved over his shoulder and his chest with open mouthed kisses, tonguing his
skin, taking in the scent and taste of his sire. His hand fanned out over where
the beating heart should rest, Angel felt as though he was reaching inside and
curling his hand around it, like a surgeon massaging it back to flickering life.
He was lost in a boneless
sprawl. He felt warm and human and vulnerable. Butterflies were fluttering
crazily inside and internal muscles twitched and clenched in sympathy. He could
feel the tickle of sweeping lashes as Spike blinked against flesh sensitised to
every touch. He was breathing as though he needed it and all he could smell was
Spike. Smoke that caught and tangled in his hair, sweet skin, Aurelius blood
that called to him like home, overlaid with the hot scent of sex, warming him,
melting him to he bone. Compliant and pliable, his body was clay and it was
being moulded and shaped to Spike’s desires. For so long Angel had existed on
so little and this overwhelmed him, he was shaking to each touch, each breath
and yet still he wanted more, his flesh cried out for more sensations. More
touch, more scents, more tastes, more sounds. More Spike.
The questing mouth moved to a
hardened, ready nipple and the first touch of his tongue caused Angel to throw
his head back as sensation zinged through his body, curling his toes, hardening
his body, making his heart jerk with life.
“Is it good, luv?” Spike smiled
up at him
“It’s… You’re…” He looked
tenderly at his childe. “You’re beautiful.”
Spike moved across his chest and
hovered over his other nipple. Angel tensed awaiting that electric touch, the
stab of desire that flared and pulsed though him as nerve ending buzzed against
nerve ending, until his whole body was alive and sparking.
“Don’t stop… touch me. Please…”
“Are you happy?”
Angel took his hand and brought
it to his lips and sadly he nodded.
“Yeah. You make me feel special.
You kinda make me feel beautiful.”
Spike laughed.
“Beautiful? I’m trying to show
you that you’re bloody gorgeous!”
“You’re showing me that we can’t
even try, aren’t you? I’m with you. I’m happy. That’s all there is to it and
I’m sorry. So sorry.”
“Don’t be. Knowing I make you
this happy kinda makes it easier… to leave.”
“Not yet though.”
“How long can we live like
this?”
“You’ve been through too much.
You’re not going until you’re recovered.”
“You know me, Peaches, I always
bounce back.”
“We need to talk.”
Spike sat back again.
“Go on then, Pet. You start.”
“I… Angelus said a lot of things
to hurt you. Lies and part truths. He looked inside my memories and a found a
hundred years of angst, dark, worming questions about why I fight and why I
should even bother to try to keep my integrity when I fight.”
“Did you find answers then?”
“Yes. I faced the questions and
I answered them.”
“That’s ok then.”
Angel’s brow gave a few confused
wrinkle.
“It is? I mean how… why?”
“I trust you, Peaches. If you
tell me there are logical answers to these things, I believe you and if ever I
face Angelus again, his arguments will mean nothing, water of a duck’s back.
It’s enough that you tell me its right, so nothing will sway me from thinking
otherwise. Every time he puts his arguments forward I can laugh in his face and
tell him I believe what I do cus Angel knows that it’s right.”
Angel looked at him and slowly
began to laugh.
“Have I told you that I love
you?”
“No. Tell me again.”
“I love you, Childe. And if ever
Angelus does reappear you’ll drive him insane with those answers. But one day
promise me you will sit down and think about these things, about right and
wrong and everything in between. It’s not something that can be taught but
rather something that one day suddenly clicks into place for you, it’s
important that you know these things for yourself.”
“Just not now eh? Too much
philosophy does my head in. So anything else we need to talk about.”
“Your son.”
“Yeah? Nothing much to say,
really.”
“Spike! You have a child and
it’s a miracle!”
“And I’m trying to say that I
don’t care. Told you. It’s nothing to do with me. I never asked for it.”
“I sort of thought that was just
a line for Angelus. How can it not move you? It was Buffy’s gift…”
“You know what? She had no right
to do that. She had no right, Angel!”
Angel looked in astonishment at
Spike’s anger and distress.
“What’s the matter?” He wished
he could use endearments like Spike always did. He felt strange even thinking
of using pet names but he so wanted something more tender than Spike or Childe.
“Hey? Spike…? What’s wrong?”
Spike turned away so that all
Angel could see was his pale back and bowed head.
“I almost hate her for that. How
could she? I could have coped, I could have managed and then he came up with
the sodding baby! I didn’t believe it. Didn’t think she’d do something like
that without asking, without even mentioning it!”
“She didn’t mean…”
“Somehow I’d have found a way
but suddenly there was no time. He had her baby in his hands and I staked him.
I staked you. Thought I’d killed you. I thought I’d bloody killed you, Angel,
and I hate them both for it.”
His shoulders were shaking and
Angel found himself blinking back tears of sympathy. All that time he’d held
together, been so strong and now he cried. He moved behind and pulled
him back to his chest, letting lips nuzzle into his hair, whilst his hand moved
soothingly over silky skin.
“Spike. Baby. Sweetheart. It’s
ok. You had to do it and I’m proud, so proud of you. No one’s fault. Not yours,
not hers and not the baby’s. She was trying to do something good for you and
one day you’ll realise how good it can be.”
“So hard, keeping my mind blank
so that I could do it. Then I shoved it towards your heart and I didn’t know if
it was me or the stake that lay shattered on that floor.”
“You’re a champion, and I know
it’s not easy but you did what needed doing and I am so damned proud of you.”
“Don’t be. I would have killed
you and whenever I think about it I want vomit up my guts or curl up and die.”
“It’ll pass, my love. Promise
you it will.”
“I wish I could stay, you make
sense of everything.”
“Don’t you know you’re the
strong one? You take the knocks, square your shoulders, stand tall and howl at
the world. You’d challenge the devil himself, if that’s what it took.”
“Sometimes I get afraid that
I’ll wake up too tired to even try.”
“Believe me, love.” He kissed
Spike’s hair and drew in the smoky halo that surrounded him. “You don’t know
how to give up, well not for more than a few minutes. It pisses you off so much
that someone should get the better of you that you can’t help getting up and
challenging the world again.”
“Peaches?”
“Yeah?”
“Call me ‘Love’ again? Call me
Sweetheart. Call me Baby.”
“Did I say those things?” Angel
frowned.
“Yeah. Say them again.”
“Anything you want, Baby.”
oooo
They met up with everyone the
following day. It felt surreal. Their friends walked on glass attempting to act
normally, yet still ended up being touchy and fragile. Sentences that halted in
the middle as they accidentally touched on something painful Sympathetic and
pitying with Spike, awkward and sympathetic to Angel.
“Good to have you back, Angel
man. I’m sorry, it must be hard for you, considering the things you’ve… good to
have you back.” Gunn quickly plastered a smile over his face and Wesley moved
up to support him.
“It all turned out in the end,
considering…” Then he too stopped as he thought of all the people Angel had
killed or turned. That was without taking into account what he’d done to Spike.
“And Spike.” Gunn continued
regardless. “You survived.”
“That’s me. I’m a survivor.”
Spike agreed.
Fred handled it the best giving them
both a heartfelt hug and then chatting about the things they’d done to try to
find them, yet even this was filled with self-recriminations. Pleased to have
them back, but guilty that they themselves achieved so little. Spike had freed
himself and Angel had the ingenuity to save the worlds. So they congratulated
Angel and asked Spike almost continuously how we was, until the vampires could
stand it no more and slipped away into the night.
“Do me a favour, please?” Angel
pleaded. “Have a vision and get everyone working again. I can’t take much
more.”
“I know what you mean. I’m
almost glad I’m leaving. The next person to ask me how I’m doing… you’re the
fount of morality, would I be allowed to bite them?”
Angel gave it some serious
thought.
“I think in certain situations a
small nip could be allowed.”
“Oh. So best not to tear their
throats out then?”
“We’ll see. If Wesley says one
more time…”
Spike smiled at him.
“You’ve changed, Peaches. I mean
you were always kinda funny but now…”
“You found me funny?”
“Well, duh!”
“I always thought no one got my
humour. Every time I cracked a joke they’d all reach for the stakes and holy
water.”
“Shame on them. What’s life if
you can’t take the piss out of it occasionally?”
“Guess they had their reasons. I
wasn’t exactly happy when I came to
“Ok, s’pose they had their
reasons to be a bit twitchy then.”
“Why were you never afraid of
him?”
“Wouldn’t give him the bloody
satisfaction.”
Angel smiled at the explanation.
“He respected that.”
“Yeah?”
They were silent for a while and
Spike struck up a match and lit a cigarette.
“Buffy’s recovered and they’re
letting her out of hospital tomorrow. She’s coming here to see us. To see you.”
“So she’s well?”
“Slayer recovery, I guess. She
wants you to meet your son properly.”
“Look I’ve got stuff to do. Meet
you later, yeah?”
Angel felt worried but if Spike
needed space and time to prepare, who was he to object?
oooo
The phone rang.
“Your wish has come true.
Vision. Just off
“Ok. I’ll meet you there?”
“I’m kinda knackered. Only two
of them, you, Wes and Gunn can handle it, yeah?”
Angel smiled at Spike actually
admitting to being tired.
“No problem. See you later.”
“Yeah. Goodbye, Peaches.”
Everyone was relieved to be out
working, it cleared the air and gave them a more normal topic of conversation.
But Angel was uneasy without being able to say why. He was about to drive across
to find the girl, when something struck him.
“Can you two handle a couple of
vamps do you think?”
“Probably. Why what is it
Angel?”
“Something else has come up and
I have to go.”
“Well…” Wesley saw his face and
nodded. “We’ll be in touch.”
Angel drove up to the house and
found Spike standing in the hallway.
“Spike.”
“Half thought you might turn
up.”
“It was the ‘goodbye’. You
couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.”
Spike nodded.
“I’ve decided where I’m going.”
“Where?”
“Back to
“
“Cus I want to be somewhere
familiar. I understand English people and they get me. Every time you drop a
sarky comment here their faces drop like bleedin’ kicked puppies. In
“But… it’s so far away.”
“I just need to be somewhere,
where I’m not something strange. Where I’m accepted.”
“You’re accepted here!”
“When you were gone Wesley acted
like I was you, Gunn tolerated me, Fred… well she’s Fred and I love her, and
she’s the exception that proves the rule. And the general rule is they don’t
really accept me.”
“I do.”
“Yeah, you do. But I can’t be
with you.”
“So you’re going back to
“You don’t understand because
you fit in here. You look like an ex-jock and everyone you meet loves you.
Buffy, Cordelia, Fred, Wesley, even Gunn warmed to you.”
“People have loved you too.”
“No. They want me. That’s
something else entirely.”
Angel sighed. Spike was wrong.
“If you want love, you’re
running in the wrong direction. Your son would love you with an open hearted
innocence.”
Spike looked down and said
nothing. Angel had a dawning understanding.
“You’re not mourning because
nobody loves you, are you? You’re running away in case they do. In case you
begin loving back.”
“If you love people you give
them a weapon to hurt you with. You give enemies a sword to use against you.”
“So you’ll runaway, cut yourself
off?” Angel asked and grieved because this was a new scar, Spike had never been
afraid to love before. He didn’t have the heart to pursue it further. It was he
who had done this to his loving childe, made him fear to get attached or to get
involved.
“Whereabouts in
“Back to
“You’ll be happy there?” Angel
asked but knew it didn’t matter. All Spike wanted was an anonymous city, where
he could live without connection and without love.
“Happier than anywhere else I
can think of.”
“When are you going?”
“Got my bag all packed.”
“What your jeans, black tee and
red shirt?”
“Yep. It took me hours.”
“You want me to drive you?”
“Nah. I’ll grab a taxi. Go back
to your friends. I’ll call.”
“Spike…”
They leant their foreheads
together and stayed that way for a minute until Angel drew him into a hug.
There was nothing of sire and
childe in the touch. No yearning for blood or the sharp pain of the bite.
They’d had enough of both. It was just two people in love, enjoying the
closeness, savouring the touch and the scents, committing them to memory to be
brought alive during lonelier times, when fate had dragged them apart again.
“I knew the road wouldn’t be
easy but I thought you’d be by my side.”
“Yeah. Me too.”
“It’s ok. It’s enough to know
you’re somewhere in this world.”
Spike stepped out of his arms
and Angel trailed a thumb along his cheek, looking for the last time into over bright
eyes.
“Can’t stand long goodbyes. I’ll
call, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
He walked away, bag over his
shoulder, coat flowing around him, striding confidently into the night. Angel
watched long after he’d disappeared from sight, the departing figure branded in
his eyes.