| stepfathers |
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| Promoting closeness Clinicians say closeness is more likely if stepfathers: - Talk with stepchildren of all ages about their father. Whether he's dead or alive, involved or not. Acknowledge his presence, real or emotional. Tell her, ‘I'm not trying to replace your dad.' Acknowledge his role: ‘You have a strong pitching arm, you must get that from your dad.' '' Such comments not only give a stepchild permission to think about Dad without guilt, but establish you as someone she can talk to about Dad. - Create one-to-one time with each child. This is the sure way to form a bond as long as you do it on the child's agenda. One man took his 10-year-old stepson hunting “to make him a man.'' The kid went along -- he didn't want to get his mother mad -- but he hated it and hated his stepfather more. Another man offered to take his 11-year-stepdaughter shopping because mother and daughter fought over clothes. He could give his opinion without being emotional. It brought them closer. - Get feelings out in the open, including your own. Every stepfather should have an early conversation, something like this: “ know this feels strange, having me live here, and it may take time to figure out how to live together, but I know we will. You may feel like we never will and that's OK. If you ever want to talk, just ask.'' - Look for family activities that include the stepfather. “If Mom and the kids are great skiiers and the stepdad isn't, it's a lousy activity because it perpetuates him as an outsider; but if Mom's the outsider -- she's the one who can't ski -- that connects the kids and stepfather.'' With several children in a family, the oldest is likely to resist most because he feels the loyalty bind the most. In general, 9- to 13-year-olds are the most resistant; they're very opinionated and have preconceived ideas of what a family should be. Kids under 6 are the most open; they tend to want the family to succeed. Teens often don't care because they've developed support groups outside the family. Stepdaughters and teens are most resistant to physical affection from a stepfather. If she pushes you away or freezes up when you offer a hug, back off. Don’t expect her to get used to it, or learn to like it – it probably won’t happen. Find other ways of showing you care without invading her space, or looking like you’re trying too hard Please keep in mind, stepfathers who have their own children shouldn't expect or pretend to love their stepchildren the same.. |