| stepfathers |
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| Discipline Stepfathers can increase the chance of success in their families if they tread lightly when it comes to discipline. Don't force the kids to call you "dad," they say. Rather, think of yourself as the mother's helpmate and the children's mentor. If you need to discuss discipline issues with your stepchildt, then try to make sure both biological parents are present. This shows a united front, and eliminates the possibility for the child to ignore you and secretly think, "you can't tell me what to do. Whether a mother seeks his help with discipline or the stepfather wants to ‘shape those kids up’, the result is disaster. You can't successfully discipline children you don't have an emotional bond. The older the child, the truer that is. It ticks them off: ‘Who's he to tell me?'. It takes as many years to bond as the number of years you haven't lived together. Throwing your weight around may work in an immediate sense (i.e they do what you say). However every time you do it, they will harbour another little piece of resentment toward you. If you grew up with your biological father, you may remember that you respected his discipline (if only in retrospect) because you were bonded to him. It could be argued that it’s the bonds between you and the child that makes them listen. It’s the bond that allows you two to survive raised words. Try to discipline a child without a bond, and you also risk the mother harbouring resentment towards you. Regardless how justified your discipline is, the mother will not like watching her child growing more and more bitter toward some new guy who has usurped the father’s role. For most stepfathers, it's hard not to involve yourself in discipline if the kids are bratty to you or their mother. Learning to keep your mouth shut is difficult. If you have to say something, make it an ‘I' statement -- `I have a hard time hearing you talk to your mother that way' -- rather than a directive: ‘Don't you talk that way to your mother!'. The Golden Rule of stepfathering: It's not that you can't have input, just that it needs to be behind-the-scenes with your wife, not in front of her children. Stepfathers who try to discipline or expect too much too soon from their stepchildren end up feeling inadequate, frustrated, and disappointed. You start to think, ‘I don't need this grief,' and disengage from the kids. As human a reaction as that is, it creates more trouble. When you withdraw, a kid says to himself, ‘I knew he didn't really care about me.' Then he feels justified to pay less attention to you or give you an even harder time. You can't eliminate children's negative reactions but you can mitigate against them by having minimal expectations. Make the goal to have a friendly, respectful relationship. To have fun together. Maybe love will come from that, maybe it won't. Don't look for it. |