Steve Burstein's Old Jokes

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Contents


Bee Joke

What kind of a Bee gives milk?

A Boo Bee.

From a joke calendar

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Camel Joke - Brick Em

This guy named Joe was going into the desert for a week and he needed a camel for the trip. Joe was a stranger to the desert but was able to locate a rent-a-camel office. Joe tells the rent-a-camel man that he will be making a long trip through the desert for one week. The rent-a-camel man says even his best camel can only go 4 days without water. After some discussion, the rent-a-camel man says "I don't like to suggest this, but you know a good camel can go an extra 3 days or more if he is bricked." Joe agrees to take the best camel. As he leaves the rent-a-camel office, the rent-a-camel man reminds Joe to brick the camel. Not wanting to display his ignorance, Joe doesn't ask about the procedure for bricking the camel. Well Joe knows that it is a long difficult trip for the camel and lets it eat ant drink its fill. He encourages the camel to take on all the water it can by offering it often. Sure enough 4 days into the trip the camel drops dead. Poor Joe barely makes it back to town alive and can't wait to confront the rent-a-camel man. "You rented me a poor camel", Joe says, "It died after only 4 days in the desert, and I almost perished with it." The puzzled rent-a-camel man looks up at Joe and says, "He was my best camel. Did you brick him?" Mad as hell, Joe replies, "Brick him, what the hell do you mean." The rent-a-camel man explains that when the camel bends over to take water, you take two bricks and slam his gonads, as the camel gasps with his head in the water he takes on another 3 to 4 day supply of water. (hear the actual sound - .wav file requires multimedia) "My GOD", Joe says," Doesn't that hurt?" The rent-a-camel man answers, "No! Just keep your thumbs out of the way when you slam the bricks together."

I heard this joke in high school in the 60's. I give my friend Kenny W. credit although he said that he heard it from his father. I never really knew his father well.

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Camel Joke - Hold Em

A man was stranded in the desert with his camel for a long time. He hadn't seen a woman for so long that he became interested in mounting the camel. He would set up a box behind the camel, climb up on the box and attempt to mount it. The camel would just take a few steps forward. After trying this technique over and over for several days, the man became increasingly frustrated and obsessed with his desire for the camel. So obsessed in fact that he hardly noticed a caravan passing through the desert. Well luck have it, a beautiful young woman came over to him, and offered him food, water, or anything he needed. The now crazed man said, "Just hold the camel for me."

You can blame Camillo for this one.

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Camel Joke - Raincoat

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.

When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

Thanks Pat

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Camel Joke - Ride Em

After enlisting in the French Foreign Legion, Jack found that he sorely missed the company of a woman. One day while on guard duty, he asked his buddies what they do when they need a woman. They both chuckled and pointed over to where the camels were kept. Jack thought about it for awhile but decided that it wasn't for him. After several more weeks passed, Jack reluctantly decided he would give his friend's suggestion a try. After the first time it became easy, and Jack visited the camels frequently. Sure enough one night, Jack was discovered doing the wild thing with the camels. His friend yelled, "Jack what do you think you're doing?" Jack was embarrassed and tried to explain, "But you were there, you guys told me to use the camels." Jack's friend laughed, "Yea Jack, but we usually ride the camels into town and find a woman."

You can thank Randy for this one.

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Dog Joke - Lick Em

These two guys were talking on a street corner when a large dog comes over lies down and starts licking his balls in the way that dogs commonly do. One guy chuckles and says, "I'd be happy if I could do that." The other guy says, "Go ahead, just make sure you pet him first."

Anyone want credit for this.

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Engineer Joke

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,"So, how's it going down there in hell?"  Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.  We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake --he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."  Satan says,"No way!  I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."  Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Thanks Don P this always cheers me up.

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Goat Joke

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar,

talking to a young man.

Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat . . . "


Headache Joke - Cut Em

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who diagnosed the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. . ." "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, though his mind was clear, he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

Joe walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job," replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . .16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job," replied the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . " The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." And of course the hat fit perfectly.

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . " The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. .size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

This joke was submitted by Hakan and though I had herd it years ago, I still think it's funny. Like John Candy said in Splash, when something works for me, I stick with it.

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Nuns with the Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "The Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

"Nice tits", says the man, "where do you want these blinds?".

Thanks George - this is old but still funny.

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Plumber Joke - Surgeon

One night after a difficult time in surgery, the brain surgeon returns home only to find that a pipe is leaking in the basement. When he calls a plumber he is informed that he will be charged extra for a late night emergency call. The brain surgeon says that he doesn't care, he just wants the problem fixed. When the plumber arrives, he discovers a leaky valve. He taps on the valve with his wrench a few times and the leak stops. Then the plumber hands the brain surgeon a bill for $500. The surgeon says, "Come on, I'm a brain surgeon and I don't even get $500 for five minutes work." The plumber replies, "I know, I didn't either when I was a brain surgeon."

Joke Calendar.

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Plumber Joke - Sandwich

At the end of the day, the foreman discovers the plumber poking around in a cespool with a stick. He asks him what he is doing. The plumber tells him that he dropped his jacket into the cespool. The foreman says, "Forget the jacket, I'll buy you a new one. Let's get going." The plumber says, "Thanks, but wait a minute, my sandwich is in the pocket."

Thanks Wayne.

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Copyright 1996, Steve Burstein

 

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