I've found a new bandwagon to jump on... TV show franchises. I'm going to use the apparent success of shows like Law & Order (aren't there about ten of those) as a basis to pitch a new TV show to CBS.
Even if you've never watched the show, I'm sure you all at least know about CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. CSI has it's first franchise show coming to our screens soon, CSI: Miami staring David Caruso. I'm going to pitch another CSI show:
After a 'disagreement' with co-worker William Petersen, Marg Helgenberger branches off to form her own CSI unit – Circus Scene Investigation. She hires some circus professionals to help her out; Tightrope Walker-Man & Stilt-boy. This is the premise of CSI:Pinky's.
Crime is rife in the seedy underbelly of Pinky's 3 Ring Circus and elderly babe Marg Helgenberger is just the lady to restore order.
The Pilot episode begins at the morgue where the crime fighting trio are examining the dead carcass of Milly the cow. Milly seems to have suffered internal bleeding from intense and prolonged ramming in the abdominal region. The only piece of forensic evidence they are able to find is a bright orange pube.
MARG HELGENBERGER (MH):Well, we're looking for a blood-nut. Or, to be more specific, a blood-nuts.
STILT-BOY (SB): Holy, bovine-madness, Marg Helgenberger, there's only one person that could be...
TIGHTROPE WALKER-MAN (TWM): Nicole Kidman?
SB: No...
MH: David Caruso?
TWM: Ronald McDonald?
SB: Rodger the Clown!
TWM: I don't want to, clowns scare me... and I'm not gay.
SB: No, the killer.
MH: The killer rodgered a clown?
SB: No, Rodger the Clown rodgered the cow... to death!
MH: We need more evidence. I'll take this pube to forensics.
The trio then do a bit of running around, trying to collect some more evidence. But, whilst questioning Rodger the Clown, a deodorant accident throws doubt onto their theory.
MH: It can't be Rodger.
TWM: Why not?
MH: The pube we found on the cow had been recently washed with Imperial Leather soap. But Rodger the Clown is allergic to fragrances and would only use pure soap to wash his sensitive skin.
SB: So, who could the killer be?
TWM: Nicole Kidman!
MH: No, she has a hygiene issues. Why did you think her and Tom broke up? He couldn't stand the stench any longer.
SB: Don't tell me it was David Caruso... he couldn't even manage a good bad guy in Hudson Hawk.
MH: No. I hate to say it, but I think Tightrope Walker-Man may have been right earlier.
TWM: Susan Sarandon?
MH: No, you didn't even say that before, loser!
TWM: Oh, yeah... I only thought it.
MH: Let's just say, I think this hair came from a Big Mac... a very Big Mac.
SB: Holy McShishkabob, Marg McHelgenburger.
MH: Please don't call me McHelgenburger.
SB: Can I have fries with that?
MH: Very funny. If you say anything about special sauce I'll kick you in the McNuggets!
SB: Elderly babes, they love me, ho-o! ...Sorry, I had a slight Andrew Dice Clay – Adventures of Ford Fairlane moment there. It wont happen again, I promise.
Plus, every week we can have a special musical guest! This week we reunite Andrew Gold and Graham Gouldman from obscure 80's band WAX to sing their 1986 hit 'Building a Bridge to Your Heart".
How can it go wrong? The crap jokes, the excitement, the gross anatomical close-ups, bad 80's band reunions AND elderly babe Marg Helgenberger – it's got winner written all over it! It'll be a summer hit!
Wish me luck. Next stop; the Emmy's.
You can email Stilt-boy at jimjimbo75@yahoo.com.au
Go ahead, ask him a question... or offer him sexual favors, he'd like that...
