^^^^^^
Buffy Summers stood in front of her mirror in the recently bought house, examining herself from every angle in the beautiful white gown.
"I didn’t think you’d come." Buffy said to the man that she sensed was standing behind her and turned to him.
Angel noticed that the pain in her eyes that slaying, death, and himself had caused was gone and her emerald stare reminded him of the 16 year old that used to look up at him during make-out sessions in Sunnydale. All her features were a story of happiness except for her mouth that remained in a slight frown and her forehead that crinkled into a troubled expression.
"I wanted to see what you looked like on the happiest night of your life." Angel replied truthfully.
Buffy smiled and walked to him and pulled him into a grateful hug. As she pulled away a little, their lips immediately found each other in a desperate kiss. He pulled her against him and she jumped into his arms, encircling her legs around his waist, their mouths never parting. Angel stumbled back against the door and set her on her feet as he kissed her neck, giving her a chance to breathe. Their mouths met again and Buffy plunged her tongue into Angel’s mouth and he did the same as their kisses slowed quickly from desperate to pliant and willing. As their lips finally parted, Angel rested his hands on her waist and his head on top of hers.
"I’m so sor-"Angel started but was hushed by Buffy’s finger over his lips.
"No, Angel. Don’t. I’m the one who should be sorry."
"This is your wedding day, Buffy. This is wrong."
"I know. I just had to have this feeling one more time."
"What feeling?" Angel asked.
"The feeling I can only have when I’m in your arms." Buffy replied and brought Angel’s arms further around her and laid her head down on his chest.
Angel kissed the top of her head and came to the realization that the feeling Buffy was talking about worked both ways.
"I would break it off if you asked me too, you know." Buffy said after a few moments of silence.
"Break it off?"
"With Tom. If you didn’t want me to get married, I wouldn’t." Buffy said and looked into his eyes.
"He doesn’t make you happy?" Angel asked, concerned.
"He does make me happy. I’m very much in love with him."
Angel looked at her in question and felt her words scrape his heart but also felt a reluctant sense of happiness for her.
"I know the Shanshu could be a long time away. I mean, it could be years before it happens but if its not, if I’m not, dead or like, 70, and if you still w-want me, then I’ll be here." Buffy said and cupped his face with her hand.
"What about Tom?" Angel asked.
"I love Tom and the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt him. But I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you in my life, I’ve moved on, but I’ll never love anyone like I love you. I need you more than anything and if there was ever a chance for us, I couldn’t not take it."
"I love you." Angel said, his eyes confirming that he would do as she asked, and cupped her face.
"I love you too." Buffy said and smiled.
"I can’t watch you get married." Angel said.
"I know, I understand. I don’t think I could say ‘I Do’ to someone else with you there. But thank you for letting me, get married I mean." Buffy said.
"It wasn’t my choice." Angel replied.
"No, but like I said if you asked me too, I’d break it off, because there’s no way I could say no to you. So thank you for not asking me, Angel." Buffy said as subtle tears began rolling down her cheeks.
Angel kissed the tears away and met her lips again in a final, slow, tongue-filled kiss.
"You better go, Willow will be here to do my make up soon."
"Yeah, I should."
"We’ll keep in touch?" Buffy said, drying up her tears.
"Of course."
"Promise me something?" Buffy asked.
"Anything."
"Promise me that if you hear anything about you turning human, you won’t keep it from me." Buffy said, staring into his eyes.
"Ok, I promise. Now it’s your turn to promise me something. Promise me that you’ll live your life and not wait for me."
"Well I think I’ve proven that I’m already doing that." Buffy said with a smile and looked down at her wedding dress.
"Yeah, I guess so." Angel said and smiled.
"Ever since I first saw you, I’ve wanted you to be happy. I’m glad you are, even if it’s not with me." Angel said, silently adding ‘not with me yet anyway’.
"Thank you Angel, I am happy. You were wrong earlier, though. This isn’t the happiest night of my life, it’s close but not the happiest."
"Ok, when was the happiest?"
"The night of my seventeenth birthday." Buffy said and smiled up at him.
"I’m sorry the morning after wasn’t better." Angel said regretfully but with a slight bit of male pride.
"Well, you never know maybe we’ll get to make up for it someday." Buffy said and kissed him.
"I should really-" Angel started.
"Go." Buffy finished.
"Yeah."
"Goodbye Angel." Buffy whispered, painfully.
"Goodbye Buffy." Angel said and embraced her.
They parted and stood apart from each other.
"You still my girl?" Angel asked, unsure of himself.
Buffy put her hand over his heart.
"Always."
^^^^^^
I wonder if I should get up and look outside. It has been quite a while since I’ve seen snow and this really is a freak snowstorm. It was in the 60’s just hours ago. Don’t think it’d be quite as special without Buffy. Maybe I’ll call her later and see how she is. First I need to call Wesley and see if everything is alright at the office because something is definitely wrong, it can't be just the snow that’s making my senses go wacky. I feel different; maybe I drank some bad blood. Wouldn’t that be more of a stomachache than a painful hollow emptiness in my chest though? The ‘bad blood’ theory has to be out, I would have smelled it if something were wrong with it.
*ring*
I must have forgotten to unplug that damn phone earlier. Business calls don’t usually start for another hour or two. It’s probably a solicitor. Gunn, Wesley, Cordelia, Lorne, or Fred would’ve called my cell or just knocked on my door.
*ring*
Do they actually make phones for people that are hard of hearing? Because I put it on the lowest volume and it’s still really loud.
*ring*
I don’t know why we had this hooked on to the same line as the main one in the lobby, I probably could’ve heard it anyway and come to think of it, we rarely get business calls here. Why aren’t they calling the office?
*ring*
"This is Angel Investigations, how may I help you?"
~~
It was an early morning phone call December
That got my attention
They called to tell me that you had gone
~~
Dawn. It’s Dawn; I know that before she says a word and I know why she’s called. But this is a dream. It’s a dream, It’s a dream, It’s a dream.
"You know Dawn, it’d be a hell of a lot easier for this dream to end if you’d stop that damn crying!" I yell into the phone.
"Wh-what?" Dream Dawn stutters.
"Angel, this isn’t a dream. Buffy’s gone." Dream Dawn says with tears in her voice.
"No!" I yell and slam the phone on the hook and rip the phone out of the wall.
My anger sends me into game face and my eyes fill with tears. Dream, just a nightmare. I’m asleep and there was no phone call. I’ll wake up later and I’ll go to work and host a conference meeting with all the managers to go over the status of every case we have and I’ll talk to Gunn and Fred about making some type of camera in a pen or something for undercover work and I’ll give Buffy a call because she’s alive. She’s alive. It was a dream. It was a dream. It was a dream. It’s so hot in here.
I kick the blankets to the floor and curl into a ball. Tears are still streaming down my face as I force myself into a restless sleep.
^^^^^^
"Angel? What are you doing here?" Buffy says from behind me, amused.
I turn to face her and realize I’m in Sunnydale. The same Sunnydale that was destroyed five years ago and it’s snowing. We’re on a hill, the same hill that she and I stood on that Christmas. The hill hasn’t changed but we have, I’m in my boxers and she looks older and even more beautiful than she was the last time I saw her.
"Why aren’t I cold?" I hear myself ask.
"This isn’t real. Just an illusion, well, I guess it’d be considered a dream in your case." Buffy says and walks to stand in front of me.
I reflexively wrap my arms around her and rest my chin on top of her head.
"More like a nightmare." I sigh with more relief than I think I’ve ever felt in my entire existence.
Buffy’s still alive. I dreamed it. But if I dreamed the phone call then something else must’ve been wrong. Unless I dreamed that feeling I had too.
"It’s beautiful up here, how could you think this was a nightmare." Buffy says and relaxes against my chest.
"Well, not this part. The part before when Dawn told me you were dead."
After I said that Buffy turned in my arms and entwined her arms around my neck.
"Angel." She says sadly.
"What?" I ask, puzzled by her sudden change of mood.
"That was real. I am dead." She says softly.
If I needed to breathe, I would be gasping for air right now.
~~
You were the strength of all my hopes and inspiration
You were the music in my song
~~
"No!" I yell at her and push her away from me.
"Angel, its ok." She says calmly.
"How is this ok?" I ask, angrily.
"I’m ok." She replies truthfully and all my anger melts away.
"You can’t be dead, we never got a chance to-"
"Be together. I know."
"If I only would’ve known that you were going to… I would’ve taken you with me that day." I say and my voice is unrecognizable.
"That was two years ago, there was no way you could’ve known and do you think we really could’ve remained just holding hands in bed?" She asks me.
I look at her for a moment.
"You didn’t deserve to die, I should’ve been there." I say with difficulty.
"It didn’t hurt, much-"
"No! I can’t hear this!" I whine and withdraw again angrily, and I fall to the snow beneath us, which is strangely warm.
"You have to accept this Angel." She tells me as she kneels to my level and cups my face.
I turn to look at her.
"Why? Why do I have to accept this?" I ask truthfully.
"So you can move on."
"No, Buffy I can talk to the Oracles or Willow can do the spell again we can-"
"You are joking right? I’m gone Angel. I’m happy, don’t take this away from me."
"You can’t be gone!" I yell and she embraces me and I bury my head in her shoulder as I clinch my eyes shut.
"It’s ok… I never stopped loving you baby." She tells me as her voice cracks into a sob.
"Oh God, this can’t be goodbye." I sob and pull her close.
"Look at me." She demands and tilts my head up.
"Fulfill your destiny. Keep fighting." She tells me.
"I love you so much!" I tell her.
"I love you too, Angel." She says and my name from her lips echo through my mind as she brings her lips down to mine.
Before I can taste the heaven of her mouth, I hear my name being spoken in a different voice.
^^^^^^
I jerk awake as soon as Wesley grasps my arm to wake me.
"Oh my God! What happened?" Cordelia screams and I sit straight up in bed, concerned.
What is she talking about?
"He’s crying blood, Cordelia." Wesley tells her, obviously troubled.
Ok, this is different. My pillow is soaked in blood and so is my face, I’m not cut, apparently I’m crying? Why?
"Are you ok?" Wesley asks sympathetically.
"Wh-what happened?" I ask, confused.
"Willow called us." Cordelia says, sadly.
Why has Cordelia been crying?
"Oh really, how’s Buffy?" I ask casually.
As soon as her name leaves my mouth, my mind floods with memories.
The pain, I guess I really must be crumbling into ash by the way I feel and the way they’re looking at me. I feel new waves of tears erupt from my eyes and I pull my knees up to my chest. If I squeeze hard enough then I can squeeze the pain out.
Long seconds of silence pass as Cordelia begins to sob and Wesley holds her. Then I see a tiny line of light on the floor. The balcony.
"I’m sorry." I tell them and they look at me strangely.
A second later I spring from my bed and burst out on to the balcony.
"No!!!" I hear Cordelia shriek behind me.
I land on the snow. It’s so cold it burns my skin and I wait for nothingness to take over. I’m still here.
~~
Sometimes what doesn't seem so fair
That's what makes us more aware
~~
"It’s overcast. The news said the sun wouldn’t be seen until tomorrow." Wesley informs me as they walk onto the balcony.
"Don’t you ever scare me like that again Angel! Do you hear me?" Cordelia screams.
"I-I’m sorry. It’s just… she died before… but I knew! I knew she’d be back and she was b-but it’s not like that now, it’s so final. She’s really gone." I babble, as I stare at the snow trying not to think.
"Come on, let’s get you back inside." Wesley says sadly and pulls me up.
We all walk back inside and Cordelia closes the doors to my balcony securely and pulls the curtains over them.
"We’re so sorry Angel." Cordelia says sincerely, which makes me laugh.
"You’re sorry? Buffy’s laying dead in a morgue somewhere and you’re sorry?" I ask emptily, still laughing.
"I don’t know what else to say." Cordelia says sadly, her voice cracking.
All of a sudden the walls are making me mad. So mad that I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that goes deeper than hunger, deeper than depression, deeper than guilt. I want it to pay. I have to hurt it. I start hitting the wall with equal hard hits.
"Let him get it out." I hear Wesley tell Cordelia.
"Where the hell are you? Tell me why! Why her instead of me?" I yell and vamp out, still pounding the wall.
I’m not sure who I’m talking to exactly, just whoever took her from me. Damn them.
I can see the room next to mine through the wall now, so I hit the wall one last time in a different place and I can feel my hand crush. It’s bleeding, and the bones are broken but I can’t feel a thing. I slide down the wall, staring straight ahead.
Wesley stoops down into my view and looks at me for a minute.
"Buffy’s not in a morgue Angel." He says sadly and his words seem so far away.
What’s he talking about? Ok he’s not going to explain? Who says something like that and doesn’t explain? I’m avoiding it by focusing on something else because if I don’t think about it I can’t feel. I need to feel. I realize that he’s waiting for me to show him some kind of attention so I look up at him.
"She’s in heaven, Angel." He says truthfully.
~
I know you're smiling
I know you're singing and I know that you're in a better place
Where angels wings caress you
But I still miss you
~
That’s when it happened. I knew. I knew I wasn’t dreaming. I knew that Buffy, my love, my life, my everything was gone. I wasn’t going to see her walking down the aisle for me, we weren’t going to have children together, I won’t get to make love to her ever again. The dream was real, she’s happy. I always wanted her to be happy, didn’t I? I was comforted in a way when she married Tom because she had someone to take care of her until I could, if I ever could. I want her happy, but why can’t she be happy and alive?
"Why’s he crying blood? He’s never cried blood before." Cordelia asks Wesley as she throws the bloody pillow off my bed and puts a different one on there.
"I don’t know. I’ll look through some of my basic books on vampires and see if it means anything." Wesley replies.
I’m sitting on the floor. Not crying anymore, they’re making my bed, I’m not tired. I need to go, I can’t go outside, the snow… too many memories. Vampire stealth is really great. They don’t even notice me as I get up and leave the room.
I hear Wesley and Cordelia call my name when they realize I’m gone but I’m already on the other side of the hotel. It’s so cold. My legs carry me into a completely empty room and I close the door and fall into an empty corner. It’s pitch dark and I can’t see anything. I’m so cold. I remember this, I used to sit in the dark for hours. I was supposed to be over her. Well, not over her… but… this shouldn’t hurt this bad. Cold sweat, that’s supposed to mean something. I have a fever or um, no, that’s humans, I’m not human. I hope to the Powers that they don’t ever dare to turn me human. I want this day erased, I want it dead. I can’t breathe, I’ve never needed to but now I can’t, my chest doesn’t move. I can still see her. If I try, I can see her walk down the steps of her first high school. I close my eyes and I can smell that old dirty car I was in the first time I saw her. I can feel the warmth under my skin that I could only feel when she was around. I snap my eyes open when my visions abruptly turn to her lying lifelessly in a casket, eyes closed, skin pale, lips chapped and puckered unhappily.
After that I completely stop thinking and concentrate on rubbing my broken hand. I didn’t unclench my hand after I broke it so it was healing deformed. I hear the all too familiar sounds of bones popping and realize that I’m fixing my hand, breaking it back into the shape its supposed to be. Then there is nothing, no sounds, no thoughts.
I soon realize that I don’t know if my eyes are open or closed. I don’t know when I finished shaping my hand. I’m not sure if I’ve been sitting here minutes, hours or days. I think I may have slept some but I’m not sure. Everything seemed to have happened a long time ago but I can still feel it in me. I try to concentrate on keeping my thoughts straight until I realize that I don’t really care.
I hear Gunn, Wesley, and Cordelia talking occasionally.
"I say let him be, he obviously wants to be alone." Gunn says.
"Yes, but this can’t be healthy for him." Wesley reasons.
"Or for us. I know Angel is in a lot of pain but what if he goes off the deep end again?" Cordelia questions.
I don’t know why but this angers me a bit, not enough to do anything about it because I’m having trouble caring too much about anything right now. I suddenly think about my curse and realize that I can’t remember one damn name or face of anyone I killed.
Isn’t that part of the curse? That if I forget then I turn into Angelus? Does it work if I forget and I’m the exact opposite of happy?
Probably not but I struggle to remember one of them anyway and Jenny pops into my mind. I remember the look on Buffy’s face when she got the phone call.
I wonder what my face looked like when I got the phone call.
I still have no sense of time and I don’t think sleeping could’ve been possible, but passing out maybe.
I see a line of light on the floor as the door opens. Wesley walks in and I can smell fear rolling off of him in waves.
"A-angel?" he stutters.
I say nothing and briefly wonder if I could talk even if I wanted to.
"Her funeral is today, Cordy and I are going. It’s still overcast and its raining a little there so an umbrella wouldn’t be suspicious, Willow says the gravesite is in a shaded area so you’d be okay if you came." Wesley says sadly.
TBC
