Irene stepped behind her sister, wrapping her arms around Meredith’s shoulders.
“Are you okay?”
Meredith’s fingers curled around the younger woman’s arms, holding tightly as the tears slid down her face. She turned in Irene’s arms, hugging her sister tightly as she cried out her fear over what had happened to them.
This was something Irene could do. Meredith had done the same thing when she returned from Saudi. She never talked about what she’d seen or done or been through, but she’d cry for a few hours, then be fine. The pattern continued for a while, then Meredith locked up the memories, and they didn’t speak of the incident again.
She calmly stroked Meredith’s head, holding her close and murmuring words of comfort. In a small corner of her mind, she wondered why the words were always in French. She lost track of time as she held her sister, desperately hoping that her love would be enough to calm the storm of emotion.
Brian stood in the doorway, unobserved by the two women, and watched as his friend stepped from behind the façade of stoicism and released her feelings in a flood of tears. In spite of his shock at seeing her so vulnerable, he was glad that she wasn’t holding it inside. He only wished his friends would let go as well because he feared for their emotional sanity. Turning away, he headed back to the den and sat down with the other guys---five brothers who were so very alone.
Two hours later, Meredith walked out of her bathroom, her face cleansed of tear tracks. Her eyes were still a little puffy, but she felt much better having released some of her pain. Irene watched her sister move around the room, feeling the calm emanating from the older woman.
“What’s on the agenda for today?” She leaned back on her elbows.
Meredith bit her lip before she answered. “I don’t know. There’s a lot of pain, I think, but they’re going to have to take the step forward and talk about it. I can’t force it out of them.”
“Can I help with anything?” She knew she didn’t have a shared experience that would help her relate, but she empathized with the five men.
“Just be there when they need a friend. Kevin especially.”
“What happened to him? It’s like he’s drawn into himself.” She buried her hands in her hair and formed fists, slowly tugging on the dark curls.
“I think that’s part of his recovery. He needs to tell you what happened, in his own words. He will. He just has to work it out in his head first.”
Irene studied her sister. “So I have to do with him what I did with you. Hold you when you cry, let you go when you need to be alone.”
Meredith smiled. “That about covers it.”
The two women walked out of Meredith’s bedroom and down the hall to the kitchen. Meredith grabbed some water and drank the entire bottle, then grabbed another bottle and headed for her office. Irene headed for the den and stood in the doorway looking at the quiet men who’d finally come out of their rooms.
“Would anyone like something to eat?” She offered comfort in one of the few ways she could.
Kevin looked up and smiled wanly, then stood. “Sure. A sandwich sounds good. Anyone else?”
Simply because they didn’t want to be alone with their thoughts, the other four followed the pair into the kitchen and watched as Irene dug out the ingredients for sandwiches. They all got up and made themselves something to eat before returning to the table. Nick looked up and around.
“Where’s Meredith?”
“Last time I saw her, she was heading for her office.” Irene sat down next to Kevin.
“I’ll go get her.” He stood up and walked out of the room.
When he got to her office, he found the door open, but she wasn’t at her desk. Peeking around, he found her curled up in a corner of her sofa, staring out the window. He walked into the room, sat down, and promptly tilted over to rest his head in her lap. She smiled as her hand automatically came up to stroke his hair.
“How are you doing, Munchkin?”
He sighed as he tried to untangle the emotions and thoughts running through his head. “Confused. Angry, Scared. Exhilarated. Proud. Worried. Take your pick.”
“Sounds familiar.”
“I was still on a high from winning the war games and dancing and having a good time. It didn’t hit me for a while that what was happening could really get us killed.”
Meredith’s other hand moved to rest on Nick’s hurt shoulder as he continued to talk.
“When I went up to talk to that guard, I was really scared. I think I was more afraid of the thought of you killing him than actually standing in front of the guy.”
“Why?”
“Because it would have made everything more real, I guess. What you’d gone through in Saudi, what you tried to teach us. Up ‘til then, training was a game. Then here I was, faced with the very real possibility that people could die.”
“That moment is almost more scary than the actually fighting.”
He nodded, then laid quietly for a moment. “You were right, though.”
“About?”
“Adrenaline is a funny thing. When I got shot, it didn’t really register until Jeff poured the water over it and it was bandaged. Until that moment, I think I’d closed the scared part of my mind and was running in automatic mode, everything you and the team had taught me kicking into play. Once the wound was taken care of, my mind clicked back into automatic, and I just did what you taught me.”
“It usually works like that.” She continued brushing the hair off his forehead as they talked, and the gestured calmed both of them.
“We did a good job.”
“Yes, you did.”
“We didn’t lose anybody.”
“No, we didn’t.”
“I’m worried about Howie.”
That statement stopped her mid-stroke. “Me, too. He’s going to have a really hard time dealing with what he’s done. He may talk about it, he may not. He could shut himself off from you guys for a while to try and deal with it. I don’t know how to tell you when he needs to talk, only that he will. I’m going to keep in touch with him after you guys leave so he knows he has an outlet.”
She felt him nod against her leg. She continued the gentle caresses on his head and arm as they sat in the comfortable silence.
“Did I ever tell you what Curran said about you?”
“No.” His voice was wary.
“He said he thought you could make it if you ever decide to get a real job.”
Nick got very still at her words, and she wondered if he was okay. Leaning over, she peeked at his face and saw the broad grin there.
“Don’t let it go to your head, Munchkin.”
“I won’t, Mom.”
After a few more minutes of silence, he sat up. “We’re having lunch. You coming to join us?”
“I’ll be there in a few minutes.” She nodded at him when he stood.
“’kay.” Nick left the room and headed back to the kitchen.
Irene looked up when he entered, noticing that he seemed less burdened. “Is she coming?”
“In a few minutes.” He sat back down to finish his sandwich, glad it was still there.
Meredith walked in a few minutes later and made her lunch, sitting down at the table next to Brian. She bowed her head and offered a quick thanks, then started to eat. When she finished, she got up, took her plate to the sink, rinsed it, then put it in the dishwasher.
She smiled at the group at the table before walking out of the room. She went to her bedroom to grab her Discman, then went outside to sit next to the pool and dangle her legs in the cool water. She didn’t know how long she was out there, staring off into space and humming along with the CD, before she felt someone join her. After a few minutes, she heard that person humming, too, and she looked over.
“Hi, Brian.”
“Hi.”
Meredith turned back to look out into the yard. When she stopped, he would wait until she started humming again, then join in if he knew the song. They sat there and hummed their way through the rest of the CD. When it finished, she took off the headphones and leaned back to set the player on a chair to keep it safe.
“When you woke up this morning, what was the first thing that crossed your mind?” Her voice was low.
Surprised by the question, he blurted out the answer without thinking about it. “Thank you, God, that I’m alive.”
He looked into her face and saw the understanding smile. “Me, too.”
Exhaling a sigh of relief, he leaned back on his arms. “I don’t know what to think anymore or what to do or what to say.”
“If I could, I would make all of this disappear. I would never want you to know that you have aimed a gun and pulled a trigger or been taken hostage and your life threatened. If I could, I would take you back to the way you were before this all started.” Meredith closed her eyes and pressed her free hand to her forehead.
He looked over at her as he thought about what she said.
“I’m not sure I want to go back to the person I was before. Meeting you, learning about my strengths, overcoming fears---all of this has made me a better person. Even going through the hostage situation in Sierra Ramon, that’s made me a better person. I wish I hadn’t been forced to fire on those men. I wish that we hadn’t been taken. But I am glad to know that I handled myself well. That I looked out for people, protected them, was willing to die for them if need be. I am a good man, who still believes in the goodness of others, but I know that I can do what’s necessary to protect innocent people and the people I love.”
He stopped speaking, watching her face as she processed his words. Meredith leaned towards him, pressing her forehead against his temple and wrapping her arms around him.
“I think you’re going to be okay, Brian.”
“I think so, too. But I’ll be spending a lot of time on my knees praying to get to that point.” He patted her arm before reaching out and pulling her into a hug.
“Don’t be surprised when I join you.” She hugged him back.
After several minutes of holding each other, Meredith released him and they went back to just sitting by the pool and soaking their legs.
The remainder of the day was spent in relative silence, but they did talk a little more, and it eased Irene’s mind a bit. She was still very worried about all of them, and she hoped that they would really talk to each other before someone exploded.
The next day, they were back on base, going through the motions of the graduation exercises that had been planned. The three groups shook hands when they saw each other in the gym, only making small talk for fear of bringing up anything that would remind them of their ordeal.
Meredith watched them tiptoe around each other, and she sighed at the realization that all of their lives had been irrevocably changed by violence. As the groups began to drift apart, she made her way around the room and told everyone she was having a party after graduation at her house and that she’d hand out maps on graduation day. Several people nodded and said they would try to stop by, and she smiled in response.
When Captain Carruthers dismissed them from their practice, she rounded them up and headed for her office to try and do some work. Since she hadn’t planned any exercises, she just wanted to get through whatever was in her e-mail and inbox and then go home and relax.
Becky smiled when she saw her CO walk into the room, followed by the team. She got up and hugged the guys as Meredith disappeared into her office.
“How are you?” She looked at all of them before focusing on Nick.
“We’re doing okay.” AJ sat down on the sofa as the young woman moved back to her desk.
“Can I get anyone some coffee?” She moved to the coffee pot to start it if there was a yes.
“Sure.” Kevin stretched his legs out as he sat in one of the chairs in front of Becky’s desk.
She started the pot and listened to it brew, discreetly watching the guys. When it finished, she poured cups of coffee for those who raised a hand, then poured a cup for Meredith. She slipped into the older woman’s office and set it on her desk, accepting Meredith’s smile as thanks.
It took Meredith two hours to go through all of her mail and review the forms Becky had left for her to sign. By the time it was finished, the guys had spread out through the two offices. She stood up wearily, picking up the folders and taking them to her aide.
“I think I’m all caught up, Sanderson.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Becky took them and flipped through the papers to make sure Meredith hadn’t missed anything.
“I’ll send them off first thing Monday morning.”
“Thank you. I believe I’m going to round up the troops and take them home.” The older woman stretched, her body tired from sitting still so long.
“Commander, the ribbons and bars came in.” Becky handed Meredith the box containing all of the items that were to be worn during graduation.
“I’ll put them together tomorrow. Thanks.”
Becky nodded and returned to her work as Meredith gathered the five men and led them towards the SUV. They gave weary salutes, ignoring the looks and whispers of personnel who had heard the story of their battle. They climbed into the Land Cruiser and headed home.
They met Tony and Theresa in the driveway as they got out of the SUV. The couple hugged Meredith, and Theresa hugged the guys as well. Tony looked at them and nodded.
“Give me a call if you guys need anything.”
They nodded, and Meredith hugged them one more time before letting her friends leave. They walked into the house, breathing in the scent of Italian food. Irene wandered out of the kitchen, carrying plates.
“Giuseppe sent dinner for us. I’ve got it set up in the dining room.”
They dropped their duffle bags in the foyer and headed for the table. Unlike the first time they shared one of Giuseppe’s dinners, this meal was pretty silent. They still hadn’t settled back into their usual camaraderie, and it pained each of them that they couldn’t break through the memories that separated them. After a quick cleanup, they once again went their own ways to come to terms with their experiences.
Although they all turned in early, it was very late before the first pair of eyes closed in sleep.
**BsB**BsB**BsB**
Meredith was up early, pounding away at her punching bag when Irene opened the door to the exercise room. She quickly closed it again, deciding that a run by herself would be a much better idea.
Meredith saw her sister open and close the door, but she didn’t stop the workout. The physical exertion was a good way to release her stress. She punched and kicked the bag until she missed a kick and spun herself onto the floor. Lying there for a moment, she breathed deeply, telling herself to let everything go. After ten minutes of deep breathing, she got up and walked to the kitchen.
Meredith grabbed a bottle of water and sat down at the table, sipping the cool liquid as she looked out onto the pool area. She watched as Brian dove into the water and Nick carefully sat down on the pool’s edge. He’d been relieved of his sling the evening before, but he was still very careful about moving his arm around.
A chair was pulled out beside her, the scraping sound making her wince.
“Sorry.” AJ dropped into the chair.
“S’okay.” Meredith turned to look at him, and he got a really good look into her eyes.
He knew that she was the one who with the most experience at dealing with situations like this, but he really just wanted to pull her in his arms and hold her close. He picked up her hand, wrapping it in his, and looked at her.
“How are you doing?”
She raised an eyebrow. “I thought that was my line.”
He smiled. “Pre-emptive strike.”
“I see.”
They sat and stared at each other for a few minutes. Meredith closed her eyes and sighed, letting her body sink into the chair cushions. He watched as she seemed to release all the barriers she had kept around herself since they’d come home.
“I’m tired.”
“I can see that.” He reached out and tucked a curl behind her ear.
“You’ve been very quiet about all of this. Why?” She opened her eyes and looked at him, pinning him with her gaze.
He couldn’t turn away, and he took a few moments to try and compose his words. Licking his lips, he looked down at their hands.
“In the group, it’s my job to be wild and unpredictable. People never know what I’m going to do, and I like that because they don’t see me. In reality, I like having a schedule and I don’t mind following the rules as long as they’re the right rules, and I like doing the right thing. With this training, I did that. And you never expected me to be a freak. Even the guys do it on occasion because that’s the role I’ve played for so long.”
He slowly began to stroke her palm as he spoke. “Learning to defend was something I enjoyed, and playing with the explosives was cool, too.”
Meredith laughed softly as she listened to him.
“Everything that happened in Sierra Ramon pointed out the importance of what you do, what everyone here does. It made me proud to contribute to that, to make a difference, to help. I think the fact that I didn’t actually see myself shoot anyone has been a blessing. I’m not sure how I’d be feeling right now. But, right now, I’m okay---not great, but okay. And I think that’s a good place to be.”
When she tugged on his hand, he moved his chair closer, and she wrapped her arms around him. He dropped his head to rest against her shoulder as he draped his arms around her waist.
“It is a good place to be, AJ.” Another little piece of Meredith’s heart healed as she relaxed in his arms, and she knew it had more to do with him being okay with everything than anything she’d done.
They slowly pulled apart when they heard Irene come in the front door. By the time the younger woman arrived in the kitchen, AJ was making coffee and Meredith was digging through the refrigerator looking for breakfast.
“Aha!” She pulled out the leftover pizza from the night before.
“You’re not actually going to eat that, are you?” AJ looked at her, as did Irene.
“Hey, this is primo stuff. There’s *nothing* like cold Giuseppe pizza the next morning.”
Irene shuddered as she opened the refrigerator and grabbed some eggs. “I’ll stick to an omelet, thanks.”
“What do you put in yours?” AJ watched as she pulled out more items and set them on the counter.
“It just depends on what I’ve got. You?” She looked over at him as he looked at the available items.
“Pretty much the same.” He smiled, then turned to watch as Brian and Nick walked into the kitchen. “Ooh, pizza.” Nick grabbed a slice and sat down next to Meredith. “What’s for breakfast?”
Irene just looked at the young man. “Aren’t you eating it?”
He grinned. “Naw, this is just to get started.”
Irene pulled a bowl from the cabinet. “I’m making omelets. Who wants one?”
All four of them raised their hands, and she started passing out assignments. “Brian, chop the ham and fry the bacon. Nick, you’ve got toast. AJ, chop the vegetables. Meredith, you’re in charge of asking the other two if they want one.”
Meredith finished her slice. “Do I have to? Do you know how hard it is to get Kevin out of bed?”
Irene looked at her, and she laughed. “I guess you do.”
The younger woman snapped a towel her sister’s ass as she started to walk out of the room to check on the other two men.
“Wait.” AJ held out two cups of coffee. “This might help.”
Meredith carried the cups down the hall, stopping at Howie’s room and knocking on the door. He opened it warily, nodding at her when she held out the cup.
“Morning.”
“Morning.”
“Irene’s making omelets if you want one. You’ll have to tell her what you want in it.”
He nodded again and moved past her down the hall and towards the kitchen. She sighed as she watched him go, desperately wishing she could ease his mind. Turning, she walked down to the last room and knocked on Kevin’s door.
She wasn’t surprised when he didn’t answer and turned the knob to go in. She set the cup on the nightstand and sat down on the edge of the bed next to the sleeping man. Rubbing his head, she spoke.
“Kevin.”
“Mmmm.” He turned to his side, wrapping his arm around her and nuzzling her side.
“I think you’ve got the wrong sister.”
It took a moment for the words to register before he quickly sat up in bed and shifted away from her. They looked at each for a moment.
“Sorry.” He looked down as a faint blush covered his cheeks.
“No problem.” She handed him the coffee cup, and he took a sip.
“Irene’s making omelets. Are you going to join us?” Meredith stood up and moved to the door.
“Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Okay.” She walked out of the room, pulling the door closed, but leaned back inside a second later.
“By the way, nice tattoo.” She closed the door behind her.
The blush covered his whole face and neck.
Within forty-five minutes, they were all sitting down and enjoying their breakfast. Kevin didn’t meet Meredith’s eyes for the first fifteen minutes he was in the kitchen, and Irene wondered what had happened.
When she cornered him after breakfast, he sighed. “When she woke me up, I rolled over and wrapped my arm around her thinking it was you.”
“So?” Irene didn’t understand what was weird about his admission.
“Right before she left, she told me I had a nice tattoo.”
She nodded slowly. “I see.”
Looking at her, he was afraid she’d be mad, but a grin stole across her face as she looked back at him. “So, when do I get to see the tattoo?”
Chuckling, he draped an arm over her shoulder and kissed her softly. “Whenever you’re ready.”
Irene kissed him back and pressed her palm to his cheek, appreciating the fact that he was letting her lead in that area. “Soon.”
**BsB**BsB**BsB**
Later that afternoon, Kevin was getting a glass out of the cabinet when a car backfired on the street outside the house. The glass slipped from his hand as he immediately dropped to a crouch in the corner of the kitchen cabinets and covered his head with his hands.
Meredith was walking through the hall and heard the crash. She stepped into the kitchen and found him with his back pressed against a cabinet door and a look of fear on his face. When he snapped out his trance, she was sweeping up the broken glass in front of him. He started to move, but froze when she spoke sharply.
“Don’t move!” She grabbed some wet paper towels to finish wiping the floor.
“Hang on while I get you some shoes. There may still be some slivers.” Her voice was softer, and he nodded in reply.
She brought him a pair of sandals that had been sitting by the back door, and he slid them on before stepping away from the counter.
“I’m sorry about the glass.” He ran a hand through his hair, making it more disheveled than usual.
“It’s only a glass---easily replaced.” She nodded at him before leaving.
She told everyone to be careful in the kitchen until she could get the vacuum cleaner in there to really make sure all of the pieces had been cleaned up. Meredith heard the vacuum running and saw that Kevin was already going over the area to catch the slivers.
He finished and put the vacuum away, expecting her to be waiting for him and an answer as to what he’d been doing on the floor. More than anything, he wanted to just block it from his mind, but he knew that wouldn’t work. It hadn’t worked in the past three days, and he was getting tired of being spooked by every sound around him. He needed to talk to Meredith.
When he asked where she was, Brian nodded towards her office. “I saw her go in there about ten minutes ago.”
Kevin nodded his thanks and started down the hall. He felt as if he was walking towards his executioner, although he wasn’t sure why. She wasn’t the enemy, she wasn’t out to hurt him, all she’d ever wanted was to make sure he was okay.
Why does that thought scare me so much?
Kevin knocked and pushed the door open after she called out an invitation. When he walked into her office, he wasn’t happy to see her sitting on the sofa instead of behind her desk. If they kept this “professional”, he thought he could get through it without much of a scene.
Warily, he sat down next to her, and they sat in silence for several minutes. He couldn’t take it anymore, and turned to her.
“Just say it or ask it or do something.”
“Do you know why we get along so well?”
He sat back, stunned at the question. It took him a couple of moments before he answered. “Because we’re both used to being in charge?”
“Among other things. We are leaders. We are responsible. We believe in doing things the *right* way. We are strong. We don’t like to show weakness, and not being in control is very hard for us to admit.”
He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead as she talked. When she stopped, he looked at her.
“You came very close to dying. I came very close to losing you. I don’t like how that makes me feel. I don’t like having choices taken away from me, and that happened in Sierra Ramon. I’ve got to deal with that, and I do that by talking about it once, and then putting it away.”
Kevin nodded slowly, following her train of thought. “The first thought that popped into my head when I saw that rebel fall down next to me was ‘the sonuvabitch tried to kill me’. Then I realized I came very close to dying because of someone else’s actions. I don’t like that feeling. I don’t like not having some say in what happens to me.”
A grim smile crossed Meredith’s face. “I know. I was extremely pissed off with the whole situation. No offense to you guys, but you shouldn’t have been asked to handle the rebels because you’re not trained to do that. I’m not “trained” to do that, not like the Seals or any of the ground forces in the military. Things were conspiring against us, taking away our choices, and I hate when that happens.”
They thought about what had occurred, what they’d experienced. All of a sudden, Kevin chuckled. Meredith looked at him, wondering what was going through his mind.
“Don’t you find it ironic that you hate when things are out of control, yet you work in an environment where anything can happen?”
Meredith smiled. “Sometimes. That was very hard for me to come to terms with, and I counter it by trying to find out *all* of the information I can before I create a profile and send a team out. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do everything I could to make sure the team had everything they needed to get the job done and come back alive.”
“Is that what happened to Andy?”
She stiffened, then looked at him. “Why do you ask that?”
“Just from things you’ve said about making sure teams are prepared, giving them the information they need. Was his team unprepared?”
Meredith closed her eyes, and she felt her throat close with tears. “Something like that. I can’t do that to another family if it’s in my power to stop it.”
He understood, and it helped him start to deal with everything that had happened. Slowly, he began to talk about how terrified he’d been of losing someone down there, of being lost himself. He words came faster and faster until they mingled with the tears rolling down his face. Meredith held his hand as it all poured out of him, and then she held him as he finally let go of the last of it.
When the tears stopped and they were both breathing calmly, she handed him a tissue. “I know you won’t be ready to talk about this again for a while, but Irene’s really good at listening and giving support. She’s done it for me a lot, and she never pushes.”
Kevin nodded, wiping his eyes and his nose. “Thanks.”
“Was it the backfire?” Meredith leaned back.
“Yeah. It made me think I was back there in the jungle and that guy had just shot at me.”
“It’s gonna happen for a while, you know. Your body remembers, and it instinctively acts to protect itself. Eventually, it’ll pass.”
He nodded, glad he’d finally come to her. When he felt more in control of himself, he stood up, smiled at her, then walked out of the room. He passed by the den on the way to his room, and Irene happened to look up. She caught a glimpse of his face and knew that something had happened. Hoping he wouldn’t push her away, she followed him.
She found the door to his room cracked a bit, and she slid inside, shutting the door behind her. He was lying on the bed, his back to her. She crawled onto the mattress, fitting her body to his and wrapping her arms around him. Resting her head on his, she whispered softly.
“Rest. I’ll watch out for you.”
He closed his eyes.
**BsB**BsB**BsB**
Meredith sat up and looked at the clock. The red LED told her it was almost three in the morning. When her eyes adjusted to the faint glow of moonlight, she realized someone was sitting on the floor next to her bed. She clicked on the light on her nightstand.
“Howie?”
He looked up, and she could see the grief in his eyes. She reached out her hand, and he grabbed hold of it, laying his head against the side of the bed..
Up to then, he’d managed to avoid talking about what he’d done down in Sierra Ramon after his report to Meredith in the hotel. He just sat on the floor, his eyes unfocused. They remained silent for thirty minutes---him staring at the wall, her staring at him.
“How long am I going to feel like this?” His voice was flat.
“Until you start talking or one of us throws the first punch.”
He turned to her with a frown. “I was being serious.”
“So was I.”
Howie didn’t want to think or talk about anything he’d done while in Central America. He just wanted to bottle everything up and lock it into a little box in the dark reaches of his mind.
“I’m beginning to understand why Irene always threatened to take a baseball bat to me after I got home from Saudi.”
He was startled out of his thoughts by her statement. “What are you talking about?”
Meredith wrapped her arms around her knees and gazed down at him. “When I got back from Saudi, I didn’t want to talk about what had happened. I had no desire to talk about the torture with her, knowing it would only hurt her.”
She rubbed her head. “And I didn’t want to talk about the men I’d killed. I didn’t want to tell her that her big sister, the one she always looked up to, had taken someone else’s life. And in the case of Rashul, with deliberate intent. I didn’t want to face the part of myself that could do that. I understood the whole instinct to protect my men, to save innocent lives, but there was something else when it came to that sadistic bastard. I know he saw it in my eyes before he died.”
“What?” Howie was watching her now.
“My pleasure at causing his death.” She spoke the words in a hushed tone, still afraid to admit that side of her existed.
They were silent again, but his body relaxed a bit against the mattress.
“I didn’t care.”
He spoke the words again in a louder voice. “I didn’t care that I killed them. I aimed, I pulled the trigger, I watched their bodies fall, and then I turned away.”
She pressed her lips together before she spoke, “If you didn’t care, it wouldn’t be eating you up inside right now. There’s a place you go when you’re in battle. It’s the place that lets you do things you would *never* think of doing in the course of your everyday life. It’s the place that lets you take aim and fire at someone firing at you. It’s the place that lets you blank out the faces of the men you’ve killed until you’re ready to deal with it. I don’t think it’s a bad place, necessarily.”
Howie dropped his head into his hands. “I don’t know if I can deal with this…with what I’ve done.”
Meredith grabbed her bathrobe and put it on before settling next to Howie on the floor. She put her arms around the young man, resting her chin on his shoulder. “This won’t go away tonight or tomorrow or even next week. It’s going to be around for the rest of your life, Howie. If you can’t face this part of yourself, then it will cripple you. And it might eventually kill you.”
His body shuddered a bit in reaction to her words. She lifted his face to look into those frightened brown eyes, then pressed her cheek against his as she held him tighter.
“You are my friend, Howard Dorough, and I will fight like hell to keep you here with me. But I can’t do this for you. I can only hold you when you cry and wipe away your tears. I will remind you every day that I’m here for you, for as long as you need me, and then I will be here longer.”
The tears began as she spoke, and she wrapped herself around him as the grief and anger flowed through him. He knew that it would take a long time to come to terms with his actions, and he hated the fact that he’d been put into this position. The words spilled forth, a mixture of English and Spanish as he alternately cursed Sandoval and cried for the rebels who had died at his hand.
**BsB**BsB**BsB**
On Sunday, the five of them took their first steps towards becoming the Backstreet Boys again. Everyone was cleaning up the kitchen after Kevin made pancakes and sausage for brunch. Irene was humming a song, and when Brian heard it, he automatically started singing.
You are my fire
The one desire
Believe when I say
I want it that way
Nick picked up the melody as he stacked plates in the dishwasher.
But we are two worlds apart
Can’t reach to your heart
When you say
That I want it that way
They sang the chorus, then AJ began the second verse, with Brian adding his harmony as they put away the butter, juice, milk, and syrup.
Am I your fire
Your one desire
Yes, I know
It’s too late
But I want it that way
Irene and Meredith actually sang along with the chorus this time, and the five men smiled.
Kevin’s bass took over as he scrubbed the griddle.
Now I can see
That we’re falling apart
From the way that it used to be (yeah)
AJ stepped closer to the older man, and they turned to face Meredith and Irene.
No matter the distance
I want you to know
That deep down inside of me
Howie folded the paper.
You are my fire
The one desire
You are
They finished the song and looked at each other in astonishment. The two women clapped and whistled, as the guys smiled.
“That felt really good.” Brian sat back down at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.
“Yeah, it did.” Howie joined him.
The other three nodded their assent, glad they were able to find that a piece of them was still untouched.
Irene leaned over and whispered in Meredith’s ear. “Backstreet’s back.”
Table of Contents
Chapter Twenty-Five