Now, she sat numbly on the edge of his unmade bed watching him pack for his ski trip. Her long, slim fingers clenched tightly in her lap in a futile attempt to control her trembling hands. Although it was always hard to think of him leaving to go on tour, he had always promised to come back. This time, he wasn’t making any promises.
As he padded back and forth in bare feet from the dresser to the suitcase, carelessly throwing in handfuls of underwear, socks and t-shirts, she thought her heart was going to break. She knew she was making him uncomfortable by sitting and watching his every move and that gave her an ounce of satisfaction, but the bottom line was, Nick didn’t want her anymore and it hurt.
“How long are you going to be gone this time?” She broke the awkward silence and stood to grab a Kleenex from his dresser. She couldn’t sit still anymore.
Nick impatiently pushed his glasses back up on his nose and cringed at the sad tone of her voice. He continued to casually throw sweater after sweater onto the pile. You never can have too many sweaters on a ski trip right?
He stopped what he was doing and slowly raked his fingers through his choppy blond hair. It was messy and on the long side, but it was his fault because he had blown off two haircut appointments. He just didn’t have the time to take care of himself or their relationship for that matter.
“I’m going skiing with the guys for a week in Colorado and then I’ll be back in the studio the week after that.”
“Of course.” She muttered sarcastically. “How could I forget?”
Initially, when he made the decision to break up with Kel, he felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. For some reason, with her standing in front of him, he wondered if he was making a mistake. She looked so sad and lost and it was because of him. Maybe I just need more time? Maybe I need a break to think? Maybe I’m being too hasty?
“We’re starting on the next album after our break.” There was a twinkle in his blue eyes as he talked about it and it shook her to her core. If she wasn’t sure before, she was now.
His career was more important.
She denied it over and over in her mind, but he made his choice. A warm body in his bed couldn’t compare to the adulation of thousands. It didn’t even matter that she loved him with all her heart. All he knew was he didn’t have room for two loves in his life. Not now.
She covered her face with her hands in a futile attempt to suppress the sob of anguish that was so close to exploding from her lips. She pressed her knuckles hard against closed eyelids in an effort to keep the tears from spilling over onto her cheeks and because her knees began to tremble, she sank back down on his bed.
“The next album?” She began to cry as another piece of her heart broke away. Is he kidding? Doesn’t he ever get sick of the schedule? Doesn’t he ever want to be with me?
It seemed like Black & Blue had just been released. Now, another new album meant countless hours of promotion, rehearsals, touring, limited contact and lonely calls in the middle of the night. Nick often had trouble falling asleep after a show, so he would call after midnight and want to talk until all hours of the morning, even though she often had to work the next day. She spent sleepless nights worrying about him on the road, worrying that he wasn’t taking care of himself or that he was getting run down. She gave everything to their relationship and unless he was willing to do the same, she had to let him go.
“Listen, Kel.” He lowered his large frame onto the edge of the bed and she flinched as he smoothed a strand of shiny brown hair behind her ear.
“Don’t Nick.” She sniffled and pushed his hand away. “You don’t want me anymore, so don’t touch me.” She hated saying those words, but she would lose it for sure if he touched her like that again.
His whisper soft touch made her shudder. She looked into his eyes and all she saw was the man she loved. He could be so tender, when he actually took the time. The problem was that he wasn’t willing to take the time to fit a relationship into his busy life. She wanted him to love her with everything he had. She wanted to be the most important person in his life, just as he was the most important person in her life.
He disregarded her plea and picked up her small hand between his warm ones, brushing a sweet kiss over her palm. Her eyes fluttered shut and her breath caught in her throat as the touch of his lips made her ache inside. He was being too tender, too caring. This was the Nick she fell in love with just over a year ago. The commitment phobic Nick was nowhere in sight. She began to cry softly. Nick didn’t know how to deal with her crying. In his mind, she wanted more from him than he was capable of giving.
“I’m so sorry I make you cry, Kel.” The gentle tone of his voice made her cry even harder.
All she could think about was that Nick was giving up on them. She couldn’t resist the urge to reach forward and caress his cheek with her free hand. His skin was smooth and warm. She wanted to curl up in the safety of his arms and go to sleep. She felt mentally exhausted. She was certain that no one would ever make her feel the way Nick did. She was so crazy in love with him that she couldn’t even see straight. How could such feelings of love make someone so sad?
Nick gathered her trembling body into his arms, for old time’s sake, she supposed. She shamelessly clung to the soft fabric of his worn t-shirt and buried her nose against his warm chest. The thump of his heartbeat was like a soothing lullaby. She breathed in deeply, memorizing his masculine scent. For once in her life, she felt totally and completely safe. There was no other man on earth for her, but Nick. He was her soul mate. He just didn’t know it…yet. Why doesn’t he get it? She wondered. What will it take for him to realize what we have is special? How can I get it through his thick skull?
Kel angrily swiped the flowing tears from her cheeks. Feeling angry with herself for acting like a child, yet having no strength left to stop her feelings.
“I’m sorry I’m doing this.” She murmured softly. She couldn’t look at his face because it hurt to see the relief written all over it, relief that he would be rid of her soon.
“I don’t ever want you to hide your feelings from me.” He said gently. “I just don’t know to handle it sometimes, ya know?”
“I’m a human being, Nick and I have feelings just like everyone else.” He tilted her quivering chin to look at him and tenderly wiped her tears away with his thumbs. His feathery touch lingered longer than necessary and when he took her face in his hands, pressing his lips against her warm forehead, she felt her world crumble around her.
“Kel, you know I care about you.” He said as he leaned his forehead against hers. She covered his hands with her own.
“I know you care, Nick.” She said softly. “You just don’t care as much as I do and that’s tearing us apart.”
He never meant to hurt her. He simply wasn’t ready for a long-term commitment. Their yearlong relationship was getting complicated, and as usual, when things got intense, Nick usually headed for the door. It gave him more time to think that way or so he thought.
He was running scared because she was constantly talking about marriage, picket fences and kids. He couldn’t even think about his future next week let alone in a month or year from now. Things were becoming too serious. Nick had felt for a while that they were drifting apart, but neither had mustered the courage to let go. Kind of like a worn shoe that you hate to throw out because it takes too much time to break in the new one. What he didn’t know was he was the only one who felt that way.
The truth was he didn’t want to care so much. He didn’t want to hear what she was saying. All he wanted to think about was his vacation. He didn’t need anyone or any thing complicating his life any more. It was too hard to live up to the expectations. He needed a break. He felt they both did.
Looking back on their relationship, she was right. His body was there for her to cuddle up with, but his heart was his career. Until he figured out how to do both, they couldn’t be together. Nick wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her until she pulled away.
Kel was ready to put her plan into action. She decided that only way she was going to make Nick realize how much he cared, was to let him go and pretend it was not a big deal. If her heart broke in the process, she would survive. She knew if she held on too tight, she would smother him and she didn’t want him that way. She wanted him with her because he wanted to be with her. That was the only way it would work.
She didn’t need Nick Carter or the prestige of being Nick Carter’s girlfriend to get her through. Kelsey Lewis was a successful career woman. She was an emergency room nurse with a number of college degrees behind her name that should have satisfied her, yet all that really mattered to her was being Nick’s wife, best friend and the mother of his children. She was hoping that by giving him his space, that he would see what they had was special. She didn’t want him any other way. She took his hand and clasped it over her heart.
Her voice broke as she whispered the words that summed up all of her feelings. “You are my heart, Nick.”
“Kel, there’s so much more to your life than me.” He said softly.
“Do you realize that a future with you is what I dream of at night?”
“No.”
“Every night I close my eyes and thank God for bringing you into my life.” He shook his head in amazement.
“You’re too good for me, Kel.”
“Don’t insult me, Nick. We’re good for each other, but you’re too wrapped up in yourself to realize that.” Nick’s mind was whirling. He didn’t know what to do or what to say for that matter. God Nick, she loves you in spite of yourself, despite your lack of attention. Let her go make a life for herself. The life she deserves. Not a Backstreet life, but a life with a man who will appreciate her and all of her beautiful qualities. A man who will give her the children she craves. Let her go.
“That’s why I’m going to make this easy for you and say good-bye.” Her voice took on a new air of confidence as she continued. “I’m tired of waiting for you to call or waiting for you to come home. I know it’s your life, but I don’t want it to be mine anymore. I want more than that, Nick. I want you to give to me what you give everyone else.”
“I don’t know what you mean.” Nick was stunned at her sudden burst of strength. The tears were gone and the pain was replaced by a palpable surrender.
“You’re never there for me, Nick. It’s always the group, the guys, and the fans, which are complete strangers, by the way. My wants and needs always take a back seat to your fascinating life. You never ask me about my work. You’re never concerned when I’ve had a long day or when a patient I take care of dies. It hurts Nick. I deserve better.” Nick nodded. She hit the nail on the head.
“Yes, you do, Kel. You deserve the moon and the stars, but we’ve been over this a hundred times. I just can’t give you what you want right now. I can’t always be back in my hotel room to call you before you go to bed. I have to be gone weeks at a time. I have to greet the fans. Without their support, we’re nothing. The group and my singing career is my priority. Maybe if we had met ten years down the road, things would be different. ”
Kel shook her head sadly. The salty tears she was trying to control, splashed over onto her cheeks. She couldn’t believe he was really going to let her go. She was sure he would break down, realize he loved her as much as she loved him and beg her to stay. Obviously, she was wrong and the sooner she got on with her life, the better. She stood on shaky legs, flung her purse over he shoulder and headed towards the door. Only when her hand was resting on the knob did she turn back and see the tears streaking down his cheeks. Maybe he wasn’t hopeless after all.
“I love you, Nick.”
“I love you too, Kel.” Nick murmured softly, but she was already gone.
Nick and Kelsey were over.
Table of Contents
Prologue