Song: The song in the Dana/Alice scene is 'Samson' by Regina Spektor.

It wasn't something she planned. It was the second week of February and Lulu had midterms again, damn the UCLA quarter system, so of course Lulu had most of that week off to study. Helena made a special Belgian waffle breakfast, and Lulu went off very reluctantly to campus to meet with her study group. Alice took the children to school and Helena went to work--it was just like any other Lulu-has-midterms-or-finals morning. Alice dropped the children off and she was driving to work when she made an illegal U-turn. She didn't even realize she did it until she was back in front of Helena's house again and letting herself in with the key.

Since her apartment flooded, three days before, she was going back and forth between Dana's condo and Helena's house because they were replacing the floors in the apartment due to the substantial water damage causing the wood to rot. And both Dana and Helena were so sweet to her. This morning she crawled out of bed to get the children ready for school because Helena was exhausted from working late the night before and Alice wanted Helena to sleep just a little longer. And something just bothered her. She got the kids out of bed and into the bathroom to start getting ready and she couldn't help but peek into the nursery Helena made for Tina.

That door was the only door in the house permanently closed. Most of the time, the doors to all the other non-bathroom rooms in the house were open. It bothered Alice that it was there. Part of her, of course, was bothered because it was a reminder Helena was once involved with Tina and cared enough about Tina to create a special place for Angelica for Tina's convenience. Alice could admit it made her jealous-- no matter how experienced a person was, it was pretty standard to become jealous of your current girlfriend's exes. Even if you are the girl with two girlfriends.

It made her jealous, but it also bothered her to have such an obvious reminder of Tina's callous treatment of Helena's heart. It bothered Alice to have the room there the way it was--it made her think less of Tina, and she didn't want that. She adored Tina. But it really bothered her Tina had been so dismissive and nonchalant about such a heartfelt gesture. Tina was so dismissive and nonchalant about it, SHE never even told her about it when Helena and Tina were still dating.

It boggled her mind.

It bothered her Helena had been so hurt by a close friend of hers. It bothered her just to think of Helena as hurt, partly because it reminded her that she, too, could hurt Helena in a similar way one day--maybe even soon and she didn't want to hurt Helena.

But most of all, it hurt to know it hurt Helena too much to take the nursery down. Helena's reasons for this went far beyond Tina, Alice knew this, and somehow, it made it worse.

Alice thought she could repair the Tina hurt. She really did. But the nursery and Helena's inability to even attempt taking it down without breaking down into tears made Alice believe Helena was hurt in ways she couldn't even begin to fathom, let alone fix--and she so badly wanted to, because Helena fixed her. And Alice wanted so badly to know Helena--and it was moments like this that she wondered if she knew Helena as well as Helena knew her.
When they became friends, she'd been so hurt by her break-up with Dana, to know she wasn't enough, that Dana didn't want her, didn't want to spend the rest of her life with her--it hurt her so terribly, made her feel so raw. And then Helena came along and fixed that. Helena gave her recognition of her broken heart, let her wallow because she needed to do so.

Alice loved her other friends deeply, but they'd been so concerned with trying to get her to move on immediately, so intent on trying to make Alice let it go, that there was no recognition her heart was broken. And so it was just easier not to be around them, more satisfying to be around Helena who acknowledged her broken heart and didn't try to get Alice to get over it right away.

Helena healed her, and Alice wanted to do the same.

So Alice found herself going into that nursery and taking it down. Helena couldn't do it, but she desperately wanted it out of the house, and Alice knew this.

There was so much history in that room, one that went beyond Helena and Tina. Alice wanted it gone for everyone's sake. Alice recognized Helena's personal touches everywhere. The pictures on the walls were slightly crooked--a sign Helena put it up herself. Helena had an endearing inability to hang a picture completely straight. It drove the British woman to distraction. One could only tell the picture was slightly crooked if you looked intently enough, which meant it wasn't that crooked at all, but Helena always saw it, and it bothered her she could not fix it to her liking. Most people would be satisfied and would call it 'straight' but Helena was a perfectionist.

Alice smiled a little as she touched one of the pictures and straightened it out of habit because Helena was constantly asking her to straighten pictures. She could imagine Helena spending an entire day trying to straighten a picture to her satisfaction. Alice sighed and took the pictures down. She could understand why Helena had such a difficult time taking down the nursery--it was depressing. She spent the entire morning and early afternoon packing things into boxes--it was surprisingly easy and quick, but nurseries weren't particularly crowded. She knew Helena would want the items to go to good use and Alice loaded her car to take the things to Good Will. She was loading the crib into her car to take on her second trip when Lulu came home with children. Lulu was momentarily perplexed and then grinned, nodding silently. She gave Alice the thumbs up sign and then walked into the house with the kids to prepare their afternoon snack.

The room was empty when Alice began peeling the wallpaper off. It wasn't particularly difficult, she just saturated strips of the wallpaper with water and scored the back with a razor blade, which allowed her to peel it off fairly quickly and easily.

After feeding the children their snack, and settling them into the kitchen table to do their homework, Lulu wandered in. "Hey."

Alice smiled. "Hey. How were your midterms?" How many did you have today?"

"Two. I have two more tomorrow and then my last one the day after tomorrow," Lulu groaned, following Alice's actions and saturating a strip of wallpaper to loosen the glue. She had half an hour or so to help Alice with this project before she needed to go back to the kids.

"That's what you get for taking 21 units," Alice chided almost maternally, inwardly cursing when she realized she was picking up Helena's maternal affection for Lulu. Helena constantly nagged at Lulu for her workload, for her constant all-nighters. Lulu usually laughed it off, pointing out Helena was the workaholic in the house.

"I know," Lulu pouted, "but I wanted to graduate on time, and there was no way I could graduate on time with a double major without 21 unit quarters." Lulu shrugged. "Besides, Helena always makes sure I have plenty of time to study."

Alice smiled fondly. "Yeah." She wished she could have had an employer like Helena, just once.

"I helped her put this wallpaper up," Lulu remarked casually, fetching another razor blade out of the box and following Alice's actions.

"Did you?" Alice murmured.

Lulu nodded. "She was really happy putting it up. She did it all herself, you know. I mean, I helped a little, but she even assembled the crib. Then she made me get every textbook I had and put it in the crib to make sure it could withstand a lot of weight to test it out. I think it can take, like, eighty pounds. But she wanted to make sure it was sturdy."

Alice grinned. "That sounds like her," she said softly.

Lulu looked around wistfully. "She would have been really happy if this nursery got used," she remarked quietly. "I never liked that Tina broad anyway."

Alice suppressed a laugh. "You know, Tina's a really good friend of mine. For years now."

Lulu flushed. "She is?! Shit. I'm sorry. I…" Lulu frowned. "I think that's weird." She did. It was weird. Alice was dating the ex of a close friend? It was practically incestuous!

Alice laughed. "You've seen my chart!"

Lulu nodded. "True. But still, it's a little weird to me." Lulu shrugged. "Oh well." Lulu's expression darkened. "I'm sorry. I just never liked her."

Alice shrugged. "It's okay."

Lulu paused in her work to glance at Alice. "Did I ever tell you how I got this job?"

"No," Alice said quietly.

"My aunt was Helena's housekeeper in New York," Lulu said quietly. "I'm from Minnesota and when I came out to school here, I ended up going broke fast. I mean, I was every broke college student stereotype. For a couple of years. Then Helena moved out here, and Helena wanted my aunt to come with her, but my aunt loved New York too much. Plus, she's getting old. I wish my aunt had come, because Helena would have taken good care of her, but…" Lulu trailed off wistfully. "I don't think Helena knows how much my aunt really cared about her. She misses Helena a lot. Anyway. My aunt asked Helena if she would need a baby-sitter for the kids and Helena said yes. So my aunt told Helena about me, and Helena pretty much hired me as a favor to my aunt--but it worked out really well," Lulu said grinning. Lulu's smile faded slightly, "my aunt told me a lot about her," she said lowly. Her aunt had been there the awful night when Helena broke down trying to take down a nursery for a child she miscarried, banging the crib against the wall until the wood splintered and her hands bled. "So I knew when Helena made this nursery, it would be trouble. I knew it would be hard for her to take it down. I kept wanting to, you know, but it's not my place." Lulu smiled at Alice. "I'm glad you're doing this." Lulu went back to removing the wallpaper from the wall. "I don't think she could have done it herself."

Alice swallowed hard and nodded a little, her eyes filling with tears. She knew initially Helena may become angry with her for doing it--after all, what business was it of hers, really? But Lulu just confirmed it for her. She really did think she was doing the right thing. A part of her became paranoid, and wondered if Helena would break up with her for this. But even if that happened, Alice didn't regret it. The room haunted Helena, and Alice didn't think it was right for something like that to happen in Helena's own house.

Alice was playing a game with Wilson and Jun Ying while Lulu was in her room studying when Helena came home from work. Her cheeks were slightly rosy from the cool February evening.

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" Wilson and Jun Ying cried, immediately moving away from Alice to run to Helena and hug her around the waist. Their eagerness to leave her side would have been a little insulting, if she didn't find it so damn cute.

"Helena!" Alice yelled, imitating Wilson and Jun Ying tone, making everyone laugh.

"Babies!" Helena boomed, hugging her children tightly and kissing the tops of their heads. "I've missed you all day!"

"I missed you, too, Mommy" they said simultaneously, looking up at Helena with matching adoring expressions as they hugged her even tighter.

Alice laughed a little. God, they loved her. Alice couldn't imagine them doing that to Winnie.

Helena walked over to Alice, her children still attached to her and kissed the blonde on the cheek. "Hello, darling," she murmured.

"Hey, pretty," Alice cooed, cupping Helena's cheek and pulling the brunette down for a proper kiss. Once she realized Helena was okay with expressing physical affection in front of the kids, Alice had no problem with it. She'd been initially a little uncertain, because some parents were a little uptight about that, but Helena apparently wasn't.

"How was your day?" Helena asked with a smile.

"Busy," Alice said truthfully, kissing Helena again on the mouth.

"Did you finish that article?" Helena asked with a grin. She loved that Alice was so openly affectionate in front of the children. When she tried to do that with Tina, Tina always shied away from it, saying it was inappropriate. At the time, she bristled because she thought Tina was casting aspersions on her parenting. But looking back on it, she could recognize Tina was just embarrassed to be with her. She loved that Alice wasn't.

"Uh, actually. I didn't go to work today," Alice said.

Helena looked confused. "Then why--"

"This house suddenly sounds like a rock concert," Lulu boomed, coming into the kitchen and interrupting Helena's question. "That must mean Helena's home." Lulu grinned at her employer. "Helena! Helena!" she chanted, reaching into her pocket and fishing out the lighter she'd used to light some candles. She flicked it on and raised it in the air. "Helena! Helena!"

Alice and Helena laughed.

"Hello, Lulu. Your exams went well, I presume?"

"Great," Lulu said with a smile.

Alice tugged on Helena's arm. "I need to show you something," she said quietly, feeling nervous. "Hey Lulu? You mind watching the kids real quick, I want to---"

"I got it," Lulu said, looking at Alice knowingly.

Alice led Helena into the hallway and down toward the children's bedrooms. "Don't be mad, but…" Alice opened the nursery door and flicked on the light. She quickly turned to Helena to gauge her reaction. "Helena?" she asked hesitantly.

Helena stared into the now empty room, speechless.

"Helena?" Alice repeated. "I'm sorry. I just thought…I mean, I know it's not my house, but I knew you wanted it gone and--" God, why wasn't Helena saying something? Maybe she'd been too presumptuous. Maybe she should have talked to Helena about it first, but when she brought it up in the past, Helena always flinched and changed the subject. 'Damn,' Alice thought, when she saw Helena's eyes well with tears.

Helena turned to her, stepped closer to Alice and stared at her for a long moment. Alice's heart raced. And then Helena wrapped her arms around the blonde in a tight hug. This was probably the kindest thing anyone had ever done for her--she'd started to take down the nursery on so many occasions, but it always hurt so much. Every time she tried, she thought back to that night when she had to take down the nursery she'd created with so much anticipation for the child she miscarried. She'd never felt lonelier than that night when she took down the nursery alone, while her partner was off somewhere else. Even now, she couldn't blame Winnie for sleeping with someone else--she could admit she'd been very difficult to live with at that time, she'd been so depressed from the miscarriage, so unable to move on. But still, she'd felt so lonely. And every time she tried to take down this nursery intended for Angelica, she thought back to that night and she felt that terrible loneliness all over again. And Alice…Alice had done something she couldn't do for her. No one ever anticipated her needs like that, no one had ever been so attuned to her. She was so very grateful. "Thank-you, darling" Helena whispered. "Thank-you so much."

----------

Alice leaned against the doorway to the kitchen and watched Helena affectionately.

"Are you certain you don't mind?" Helena pressed again.

Lulu sighed with exasperation. "No! Geez! Helena! Go to dinner with Alice!"

"But your midterms--"

"Helena, don't worry about that. Go to dinner."

"But--"

"Helena! I'm not going to mess up dinner for the kids!" Lulu exclaimed, anticipating what Helena was going to say. Not that Helena would use those terms, but Helena would volunteer to just get the pizza in the oven and Helena and Alice should really be on their way. "It's just pizza," Lulu said as she pointed to the dough Helena had prepared the night before. "We make it all the time, and besides, you already made the dough and rolled it out, and you cut up all the toppings," Lulu said, pointing to the small bowls that held an assortment of toppings. "All I have to do is put in on. I'm not going to mess it up! Go eat dinner with Alice!"

"But--"

"Ma!" Lulu exclaimed in exasperation, throwing her hands up into the air.

"All right," Helena grumbled, ducking her head. That had to be a sign she had to back off.

Alice grinned at her. "Come on," she said, reaching her hand out to Helena to take. "Let's go."

Helena smiled and walked to Alice, taking her hand. "We'll be back soon," Helena promised, calling out over her shoulder to Lulu.

"Take your time!" Lulu called, exchanging a wink with Alice.

Helena and Alice walked to the living room where Wilson and Jun Ying were watching a video. Helena sat down on the couch and Wilson and Jun Ying immediately cuddled up to her. Helena smiled widely and kissed the tops of their heads. "Alice and I are going to dinner, babies" she murmured. "Lulu is going to make the pizzas, so why don't you go into the kitchen to help her?"

"Okay, Mommy," Wilson said, scrambling up. "Have a good dinner," he said, waving before he turned around and ran out of the room. "Come on, Jun."

Jun Ying merely smiled at them, almost knowingly and ran out after her brother.

"She's going to be a handful, isn't she?" Helena asked faintly. That smile was a bit too knowing.

"Yep," Alice said, making the 'p' sound pop.

Helena chuckled softly and stood up. "Let's go," she said quietly, brushing her lips lightly against the corner of Alice's mouth before turning around and pulling Alice toward the garage to get into the car. This was her way of thanking Alice for the very kind gesture the blonde made in taking down the nursery. Dinner. It seemed so paltry, and she wanted to do so much more than just dinner, but at the moment, the only thing she could manage was dinner. She was relieved Lulu didn't begrudge making the children's dinner and watching after them while she ate dinner with Alice. Technically, that was Lulu's job--she was the children's babysitter, after all, but Helena always gave Lulu time off to study during her exam periods. And even during her exam periods, Lulu allowed the children to come into her room and to look through her belongings and play with her things while she studied when Helena was at work. Lulu allowed Jun Ying to play with her jewelry and let Wilson play with her collection of action figures she stole from her brothers and her boyfriend. She let them both scrawl in her sketchpads using her expensive drawing pencils and always refused to be reimbursed. In short, Lulu was good to the children, and so Helena wanted to be good to Lulu. She didn't want to be the kind of employer who demanded too much of her employees. The children adored Lulu and she wanted Lulu to be happy.

"You know," Alice said, as she got into the passenger seat. "Lulu totally has a crush on you."

Helena snorted in derision. "She called me 'Ma.'"

"Only because you were bugging the crap out of her," Alice said fondly, grinning when Helena shot her a dirty look. "Oh, come on, you totally were."

Helena pouted as she backed out of her driveway. "She really should study. If she doesn't study now, she'll be staying up all night and she won't sit her exam very well," Helena fretted.

Alice smiled at her. "You do realize you're like, barely older than she is, right? She's a grown-up, Helena. Not one of your other kids. Seriously. She likes working for you, so let her work."

Helena turned to look at Alice. "Do you really believe she enjoys working for me?"

It killed Alice, the way Helena asked that. Her voice so quiet, like Helena simply couldn't believe Lulu would enjoy working for her when it was so obvious that Lulu did. "Have you met you?" Alice asked. "Of course she enjoys working for you, Helena!" Alice exclaimed. "One, you're a hot boss. Two, she gets her weekends to herself. Three, she can pretty much have time off whenever she wants. Four, she gets paid well. Five, she doesn't have to worry about room and board. Six, the kids are great. And seven, you're hot. Oh, and eight, nine and ten, you're hot. You're hot. You're hot. It's the best fucking job, ever. Hell, I want her job."

Helena laughed softly. "I can be demanding with my expectations. Sometimes I think it may be too much pressure. She's so young. She takes the children to school. She picks them up from school. She spends the whole day with them until I come home." Helena sighed. "She's raising them." Helena swallowed hard. "I am not," she mumbled.

"You're so insane, you know?" Alice said quietly after a moment's pause, touching Helena's knee gently to take out any sting. "Lulu isn't raising your kids. She gives them a snack and hangs out with them for a few hours. You're the one who makes them breakfast, packs their lunches and cooks them dinner every day. You check their homework. You make sure they brush their teeth. You're the one who reads to them. Jesus, Helena. How could you possibly believe you aren't raising your kids? Fuck. You don't really believe that, do you?"

Helena seemed to sink lower in her seat as she drove and she suddenly found the road so very interesting it needed her full concentration. Alice gazed at her in silence, giving Helena the space to compose her thoughts in peace. "It's not that I believe I'm not raising my children," Helena said softly. "It's only that I wonder sometimes if I'm raising them the way I should." She bristled if anyone questioned her parenting skills, but only because she questioned them, too. She knew her faults. She could be petty and impetuous. She could be immature. Sometimes, she wanted a life free of responsibility. She wasn't sure if these traits allowed her to be a good mother. She tried, but sincere effort didn't guarantee good results--most of her entire life was proof of that.

Alice was quiet after that. "You know," she said finally, after a prolonged, thoughtful pause. "I don't think my mother ever thought that, even once when I was growing up. I think a really good mom would have doubts." Alice gently squeezed Helena's knee. "And you're a really good mom." Alice smiled wryly. "Not that my mother wasn't a good mother. I mean, she wasn't the most attentive mother and she wasn't around much. But it's not like she beat me or anything. And I knew she loved me. It's just that…you're a really good mom," Alice said quietly.

Helena turned to smile at Alice quickly and then turned her attention back to the road. "Thank-you," she said quietly. There was silence in the car for a moment. "I think you would make a wonderful mother," Helena said quietly. It was apparent to her Alice would--the blonde was so good with Wilson and Jun Ying and just watching how Alice was so gentle and so good with Angelica over the weekend proved to her Alice would make an excellent mother. But she'd always known that--she didn't trust just anyone around her children--she was over-protective and she knew it. But she trusted Alice from the very beginning, even before they became so close.

Alice laughed wryly. "I think I'll leave the good mothering to the people who can actually do it."

Helena chuckled in spite herself. "You're so good to Jun Ying and Wilson," Helena murmured. "And you were so good with Angelica…I think you would make a really good mother, Alice. I do trust you with my own children, after all."

Alice grinned at her. "Yeah," she said softly. "You do," she said happily. She glanced at the street sign. "Hey, make a left here, it'll get us there faster."

Helena obliged immediately, signaling and then merging into the left turn-in lane, cutting off an irate older man in a Hummer who tried to get into the lane after making a U-turn. He honked.

"Nice," Alice commented approvingly, exchanging a high-five with Helena. She rolled down her window. "Hey, asshole," she yelled. "You weren't supposed to make a U-turn here anyway!" The man honked again in response and Alice flipped him off before. "Asshole," she muttered as Helena made the turn. "I hate it when people honk long like that."

Helena chuckled. "I do as well."

"About what we were talking about earlier," Alice said quietly. "You know, when I was growing up, I knew Mom loved me. I knew. I didn't doubt it or anything. But she would throw these huge parties at our house. I was the last kid at home pretty early on. And sometimes, she would look at me like I was cramping her style or something. Like it would be so much easier for her if I weren't there. It always killed me when she looked at me like that."

"That's terrible," Helena breathed, steering with one hand and touching Alice's thigh comfortingly with the other. She never understood mothers like that--she hated it when her children weren't around. Why bother having children if you looked at them as if you preferred they were not around? When her mother looked at her when she was growing up, Helena often got the feeling Peggy didn't want to look at her, didn't want her around.

She'd wanted children even when she was a child, and she always swore to herself she would be a different kind of mother, and she tried to be different with Wilson and Jun Ying. But she didn't have a particularly good model of good mothering, so she just tried to emulate the way her father raised her and treated her children the way she would have wanted to be treated as a child by Peggy. But sometimes she wondered if she was doing the right thing, if maybe she suffocated her children too much with her own need to be around them so much.

"It didn't feel good," Alice admitted wryly, her voice low. "I thought about having kids, too, you know. When I was a kid. Mostly because I was playing with dolls or stuffed animals, so I'd pretend to be their mother. The usual kind of thing," Alice said with a chuckle. "I'd always pretend to be the kind of mother I wanted my mom to be," Alice confessed.

Helena turned toward Alice, a little startled. It startled her sometimes, how alike they truly were. She'd done the same as a child. Hell, she was kind of doing the same thing now with her own children. But the conversation was becoming too heavy for her--it reminded her how unfortunate it was that she, who wanted children even when she was a child herself, couldn't carry a baby to full-term and there were women who could have children, had children and then treated them as though they didn't want these children at all. It was depressing and Helena felt the need to lighten the subject. "You played house, did you?" Helena teased.

Alice grinned mischievously. "I played doctor, too, you know," she said, winking when Helena turned to look at her. Alice grinned. "Do you still have that nurse uniform from Halloween?"

Helena grinned. "I do," she said slowly as she pulled into the restaurant parking lot and put the car into park as they waited for the valet.

Alice gently trailed her index finger across Helena's collar bone. "I stole one of Caroline's lab coats," she murmured. "We should play later," she suggested simply with a grin. Then she kissed Helena on the mouth and bounced out of the car. "Come on, Helena," Alice said tapping twice at the space just above her the passenger side door with her palms. "You're keeping him waiting!" she said, trying to hurry Helena out of the car who was still staring at Alice with a stupefied expression, clearly thinking of Alice only in a white lab coat.

Helena turned and glanced at the valet who was waiting by her window. She swallowed and then got out of the car, apologizing to the valet who was now engaged in a conversation with Alice, who, in three seconds managed to run around to her side of the car and was now shadowboxing around the valet, laughing with him. Helena marveled at the way Alice charmed people everywhere they went. Helena smiled at the valet and apologized again and then wrapped her arm around Alice's waist, leading the blonde toward the restaurant.

"By Phillip!" Alice called, waving at the valet. "Have a good night!"

Phillip, the valet, laughed, waved back and admired the car before getting inside to park it.

Alice wrapped her arm around Helena's waist and leaned in closer. "Hey there," she said.

"Hey there," Helena murmured back

"I like this place," Alice said with a contented sigh. It was in the New Otani Hotel and Japanese Garden and the restaurant, called 1000 Cranes, overlooked the rooftop garden.

"Me too," Helena said quietly. But then, she liked being anywhere with Alice. She realized very early on in their friendship Alice wasn't only friends with her because she was wealthy.

Alice always insisted on either going Dutch or treating Helena when they both knew full well the money didn't matter to Helena. And unlike other people who naturally expected her to always go to expensive restaurants, Alice never seemed to have that expectation of her, not really anyway. Obviously, Alice had certain notions of her like anyone else, but once they got to know each other, Alice accepted her without question. Most of her life, the roles she had to play, as the only child of Peggy Peabody, as the future president of the Peabody Foundation, as the current president of the Peabody Foundation, as Winnie's wife--those roles tended to supercede who she was as a person. She didn't considering being Wilson and Jun Ying's mother a role to play, and even if she did, it wasn't one that superceded her identity as a person--it was a part of her, in a way being Peggy's daughter or being the president of the Peabody Foundation wasn't. But still these things tended to be the only way people knew her. Most of her life, no one had really known her, though for a long time she fooled herself into believing Winnie did. But with Alice, she was just herself and Alice knew her just as herself--not as all her various roles and responsibilities. Alice just knew her. So, of course she enjoyed being anywhere with Alice, whether it was at some expensive restaurant or at the food court of the Beverly Centre, or trying to blow-dry Alice's frozen files on the deck of her house.

They walked inside the restaurant, a high-end tempura bar, and were seated side-by-side at the bar. "Hey," Alice whispered, nudging Helena lightly in the ribs. "It's Melanie and Alex," she said pointing in their direction with her chin.

Helena suppressed a groan. "The Sephora Barbies!" she said in a hissed whisper, trying to hide behind Alice for protection. She was afraid of them. They were strangely intimidating, and every time she and Alice went out to clubs in West Hollywood or anywhere else for that matter, Melanie and Alex tended to be there as well. And they always chided her for not coming back more often into their branch of Sephora. They were unabashedly greedy and she has succumbed to several of their requests that she drop in. She had no idea why she did it--she had plenty of cosmetics, she just did. "Don't let me give them money," she whispered in a pathetic whine. She could afford to, of course, but it'd become a thing of principle.

Alice laughed softly and put her arms around Helena. "I'll protect you, baby."

Helena placed the palm of her right hand on the nape of her neck and cocked her head to the side. "Will you?" she asked, grinning slowly.

"I sure will," Alice promised with a lazy grin. She glanced over at them. "I think they're too involved in each other right now anyway," she said with a grin, looking over at Melanie and Alex who were sitting next to one another at a table and cuddling as they talked and ate.

They placed their orders with the waitress and then Alice spoke. "Helena?"

"Yes?"

"Do you want to make a bet one of them will throw her water at the other one before dessert?"

Helena scoffed. They've seen Melanie and Alex at restaurants before, and though it inevitably ended in some drink being thrown, it usually happened after dessert right before the check came as they argued who would pay the bill. Helena found that particularly ridiculous because she found out from Alice the two have been living together and sharing their money for years--what did it matter who paid what? Helena supposed they just thrived on the argument. "They will wait until at least after dessert," Helena said knowingly. It was their modus operandi.

Alice shook her head. "No way. They're getting along way too well. I bet Mel throws her drink on Alex during the main course."

Helena looked thoughtful and then stuck out her hand. "I accept your wager. How much?"

"Loser pays for ice cream at Soda Jerks."

"In Pasadena?" Helena asked.

"Yep." Alice grinned and poked Helena in the ribs, making Helena squeal with laughter and squirm away. "Why are you worried you'll lose?" Alice grinned at her. "All the way in Pasadena?" Alice asked in a decent imitation of Helena's voice.

Helena mock-scowled. "I accept your wager," she said, grabbing Alice hand and shaking it vigorously before she laughed and impetuously grabbed Alice by the waist, tickling her ribcage and kissing her on the cheek.

Alice laughed and swatted Helena's hands. "You're going to make me fall off the chair!" she gasped, giggling. She poked at Helena's ribs, making the other woman giggle. "Take that!"

Helena giggled and whapped at Alice's hands playfully. "Perhaps you're afraid of losing and this is all part of your insidious plan."

Alice placed her elbows on the counter and leaned forward, looking at Helena fondly. She smiled wryly. "And what insidious plan might this be, hmm?" she asked, reaching up with one hand to brush a lock of hair out of Helena's face and tucking it behind her ear.

Helena looked thoughtful. Actually, she didn't really know how tickling would be a part of Alice's insidious plan. But she really believed if Alice wanted to take over the world simply by being cute, the blonde could do it. She likened it to Girl Guides and Girl Scouts selling cookies--the children were so ludicrously adorable, she felt terribly if she did not purchase cartons of cookies from them, though she preferred to bake her own. It was a nefarious plot, and one she was a part of since Jun Ying was a Girl Scout Brownie. Jun Ying was active in the Brownies in New York, but since moving to LA, her interest waned as she and Wilson took art lessons, took the occasional music lesson from Alice and played on a children's soccer team. But now Wilson expressed an interest in Boy Scouts, which he didn't in New York and of course, Jun Ying found a sudden renewed interest in Girl Scouts. Helena always wanted to be more involved in New York, but there was simply no time, but beginning next week, she was Jun Ying's new troop leader so she would be peddling Girl Scout cookies as well. She would definitely have to ask Alice for suggestions on selling as many cookies as possible. "I think you're going to use the adorability for which you are well-known and renown to make me forget if you lose the wager and to never let me forget if you win," she said finally, grinning at Alice.

Alice burst into laugher. "You think I'm adorable?"

Helena rolled her eyes. "You know that you are, darling," she said. Just a few hours before, Lulu called Alice adorable, Jun Ying chimed in, "I think Alice is cute, too" and Wilson reminded everyone Alice resembled Tinkerbell. Alice couldn't be unaware of her powers of cuteness.

Alice grinned and was about to respond when there was a loud clattering behind them. Helena and Alice turned and saw a plate was now on the ground, broken into shards. Melanie, Classic Barbie, was standing with her hands indignantly on her hips. "Well, have her research this!" she shrieked, grabbing a glass of water from the table and throwing it at Alex before stalking away. "Hey Al, hi Helena," Melanie said as she stomped by. "Come by tomorrow, I work at noon."

"Don't lock the door, I don't have my keys!" Alex called out drolly after her girlfriend's retreating back. She casually wiped her face and dabbed at her top before picking up a forkful of tempura shrimp and making a face. "She totally ruined it," Alex whined sadly. She waved at Helena and Alice. "You should totally come by the store the day after tomorrow because I'm working then."

Alice and Helena turned around and looked at one another. Alice grinned triumphantly. "I want to share the Mt. Wilson ice cream sundae. Okay?"

"Of course, darling," Helena said, grinning.

Damn it. Every time. Alice won every time. It was like she was psychic.

--------

By the time Helena and Alice arrived at Helena's house, it was almost Reading Time. Helena and Alice walked into the playroom, holding hands to see Jun Ying and Wilson wearing tinfoil hats and wielding makeshift cardboard swords Helena once made. Lulu looked simultaneously embarrassed and amused in a frilly dress that looked like a prom dress and wore a fake tiara whilst standing on a chair. Wilson and Jun Ying jabbed at a large stuffed animal--a dog which had a mask made from a paper plate over its face to make it look like a dragon.

"Mommy! Alice!" Wilson and Jun Ying yelled, dropping their swords and running over.

Helena and Alice crouched down and held their arms open as the two children bounded into their arms. "Hello babies," Helena said, grinning broadly. "Are you saving the princess again?"

Wilson and Jun Ying nodded and began to pull on Helena and Alice's hands.

"Now that you're here, you can help us, Mommy," Wilson said very seriously.

"And you can be the fairy," Jun Ying said, playing with Alice's hair.

Alice whined good-naturedly. "How come I'm always the fairy or the pixie?" she asked.

Helena, Wilson and Jun Ying simultaneously pointed to a picture hanging on the wall of Alice and Helena together on Halloween. Helena was dressed as a Slutty Nurse but Alice was dressed as Tinkerbell. Alice sighed heavily. "Where's my wand?" she asked, sticking out her hand.

Jun Ying giggled and passed it to her.

Alice ruffled Wilson's hair. "Hey, there, kid. Did you draw the dragon face?"

Wilson nodded very seriously.
"It's really good," Alice said with a grin and pulling him toward her in a one-armed hug. She pumped her wand in the air. "Let's go save the princess!"

"Yay," Lulu called out.

Wilson and Jun Ying began running ahead of Helena and Alice, pausing only to pick up their swords. Then they began to roar as they hit the stuffed animal standing in for a dragon with their cardboard swords. Alice took Helena's hand and the two ran over. Helena began beating the stuffed animal as well while Alice stepped into her usual role as fairy or pixie and merely circled around them waving her wand. 'One of these days, I'm getting a sword,' she thought. It looked way more fun. She would have to ask Helena to make her one.

Some time passed and then Wilson and Jun Ying stopped. Helena and Alice followed suit.

"Is it dead?" Jun Ying asked.

"Maybe," Wilson answered.

They put their heads together in quiet conference and then Wilson stepped in front of Jun Ying in a protective gesture Alice found endearing. He truly was so protective of his sister. She wished her siblings could have been that protective of her. Wilson put his head close to the 'dragon' head. Then he stood up straight. Wilson turned to Helena. "Mommy?"

"All right, darling," Helena said with a grin.

Alice ran to get her purse which she put down next to the door to get her cellphone to snap a picture. She turned just in time to see Helena raise the sword high above her head. Alice snapped the picture and Helena brought her sword down for the "killing" blow with a loud cry that made Wilson and Jun Ying cheer. The dragon mask flew off, effectively rendering the dragon "slain."

"Go ahead, Mommy," Wilson said nudging Helena in the back.

Helena reached up to Lulu with one hand. Lulu grinned, took Helena's hand and jumped off.

"Yay! Mommy saved the Princess!" Jun Ying said.

"Mommy slew the dragon!" Wilson crowed.

"How can I ever repay you?" Lulu asked in a breathless whisper which was her standard line in this little play Wilson and Jun Ying never seemed tired to act out. "You saved my life!" Lulu said dramatically, throwing her arms around Helena.

Wilson, Jun Ying and Alice clapped.

"Yay for Mommy!" Wilson and Jun Ying yelled. "Yay!"

Helena laughed and sat down on the ground and wrapped her arms around their small waists, bringing them close to her. "Did you have fun playing?" she asked, smiling fondly.

Wilson nodded. "We wrote some new lines, mommy! Can we show you?"

"Mmm. Why don't you tell me about it while we have reading time tonight? I think Lulu needs to study tonight. She has very important tests this week."

"Okay, Mommy," Wilson said with a grin.

"Can you start getting ready for bed, babies?" Helena asked. "It's almost reading time."

"Okay, Mommy," Jun Ying. "Come on, Wilson," she said, grabbing his hand and running out.

Once they were gone, Helena looked up at Lulu. "How were they?"

Lulu laughed and flopped down on the ground next to Helena. "Do you even have to ask? You know they were great. That pizza crust was so kick ass. How come your crust is so good?"

Helena shrugged. "Olive oil."

"Oh. Anyway. They were great."

"I'm sorry we took so long," Helena said apologetically. "We went to get dessert." She glanced at Alice who just sat down next to her and smiled affectionately.

"It's not even eight o'clock," Lulu said, rolling her eyes. "I wouldn't have studied until about now anyway. No worries, Helena. How was dinner?"

"Lovely," Helena answered.

"Great," Alice agreed, putting her head on Helena's shoulder.

"Which Princess were you tonight?" Helena asked.

"Rapunzel," Lulu answered, sighing deeply. "Why am I always Rapunzel? I need to cut my hair."

Helena smiled fondly and smoothed a lock of Lulu's long hair away from her face in a maternal gesture. "I think your hair suits you," she said, before standing up and walking out of the room.

Lulu and Alice watched her leave with similar expressions of adoration. Alice rose to her feet to follow Helena--it was Reading Time, after all, and caught a glimpse of the somewhat moony expression on Lulu's face. Oh yeah. Lulu totally had a crush. "Good luck with your midterms, kid," she said, gently slapping Lulu on the back before leaving the room.

When she got to Helena's bedroom, she heard Helena in her bathroom with Wilson and Jun Ying. The children had a separate bathroom they shared, but they always got ready for bed in Helena's bathroom. Alice walked into the bathroom to see Helena, Wilson and Jun Ying standing in a row in front of the mirror brushing their teeth. Alice shrugged and pushed her way in between Helena and Wilson and grabbed her toothbrush and began to brush.

The children already bathed earlier in the night and had changed into their pajamas, all that remained was to crawl into bed with their mother for their reading time. Helena and Alice crawled into bed and the children cuddled between them. Helena and the children decided upon reading The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales again and Alice was struck by the memory of when she first read the book to the children in the car ride on the way to the Pageant of the Masters. It felt so long ago, but it wasn't. It was strange how much could change in such a short while. Back then, she barely knew Helena and she was still dating Dana. Now…well, there was no reason to get into it now.

Helena and Alice each carried a child back to their room and then got ready for bed, showering together and changing into sleepwear before settling back into Helena's bed. They lay on their stomachs at the foot of the bed as they settled in for the Spanish-language soap opera to which Helena recently became addicted. Alice was just relieved Helena wasn't obsessively channel-surfing. Of course, it was a little early for the soap opera which didn't run on the standard half-hour/hour time slots. It started at 8:40pm and it was now currently 8:38pm. Helena flipped through her many channels, pausing to view each channel for a few seconds before flipping.

"Gah!" Alice finally yelled, poking Helena in the ribs. "Why do you always do that! You have summaries for each channel so you don't have to channel surf! You have advanced technology TV! Why do you act like you have a television set from the 80s?!"

Helena looked at her placidly. "I like to see it to decide. It's visual learning."

"Gimme the remote."

Helena turned to look at her, resting her face against her palm. "But it's my television," she said mildly. "And you know how much I hate adverts."

"I am not a lover of commercials either," Alice said. "But I don't get why you have to see it to decide. Aren't the summaries more informative than seeing something for two seconds? The summaries are there so you don't have to flip through channels and drive me crazy." Alice paused. "And anyway, it's totally obvious I'm the husband in this relationship."

Helena snorted with laughter. "You are not the husband. There is no husband, that's the point in being a lesbian, darling."

"I know," Alice said. "I just meant the husband traditionally has the remote, so it should be mine because if one of us did have to be the husband, it would be me."

"No, darling, it would be I."

Alice looked at Helena with a mixture of real and mock outrage. "What?! Have you met you?" She poked at Helena's ribs. Helena squealed and laughed. Alice grinned triumphantly. "See?"

Helena shrugged. "I would be the husband if such a thing were forced upon us. And I don't know what couples you know, but amongst heterosexual couples I know, the women tend to control the remote." Although she didn't know intimate details like that of most of the people she knew, she knew that much. Lulu, for example, once crowed about the fact she controls the remote at her boyfriend's apartment. "But luckily for me, there are no husbands and the remote remains mine."

"Your soap opera's on."

"Oh!" Helena immediately turned to the channel just as it started "Shh," she said, though Alice didn't say anything. Alice rolled her eyes fondly. Helena watched the program eagerly with rapt attention, her palms tucked under her chin as she watched the television with an enormous grin.

Alice knew Helena found the soap opera while channel-surfing one day but she was surprised to find Helena understood Spanish completely, though the British woman admitted she could not quite speak it as fluently as she spoke French, German or Italian. It seemed like Helena could speak every language they encountered, though Alice knew it wasn't possible to know every language. But Helena even learned some basic Chinese and Japanese because the Foundation was trying to form partnerships with a number of international relief organizations and these languages were very useful. But that was just Helena--she didn't do anything by halves, she threw everything she had into all her endeavors. Helena had incredibly intense concentration, which Alice both admired and loved--it was that intense and sincere concentration that made her feel loved in a way she'd never felt before. But that also made Alice worry because she knew that sincerity, that intensity made Helena feel things more deeply, take things more to heart and more personally than other people. And she was so scared she would one day hurt Helena.

Though Helena translated every line of the soap opera for her, Alice found she wasn't into it as much as Helena was. Still, Alice was happy she could witness Helena indulging in something she enjoyed. The British woman once confided to her she'd majored in Economics and Business in college because she knew it would be helpful when the time came to take over the Peabody Foundation. Helena confessed she had the head for it, excelled in it, really, but derived no real enjoyment from it, and never liked her classes. So Alice was glad to bear witness to something Helena actually enjoyed, even if it was a soap opera.

Helena smiled contentedly when it was over, shutting off the television. "Reynaldo is so evil," she commented with a somewhat loopy smile as she rolled onto her back.

Alice laughed. "But Enrique will get the girl, just you wait."

"Not if Graciela has anything to say about it," Helena said with a pout. "She just wants Enrique for herself." She crossed her arms over her chest, and pouted again, exhaling through her nose and looking very much like a huffy child.

Alice laughed at the expression and crawled to Helena to lay her head on Helena's stomach. "You're cute," she said fondly.

Helena sighed softly, her fingers automatically entwining in Alice's hair. After her miscarriage, she used to tense anytime anyone touched her stomach--it was like a constant reminder. Even with Winnie, she tensed--tensed for years. Eventually, she learned to just get over it--after all, nothing spoiled a mood like thinking about her miscarriage. But with Alice…it was different.

In retrospect she felt a little stupid for not realizing how bad it was with Winnie. How could she spend the rest of her life with Winnie if every time the woman touched her stomach, Helena felt it plummet and her shoulders tense? Clearly that was a sign, because there was none of that with Alice even when the blonde borrowed her stomach for this purpose as Alice so often did.

"One of these days, I'm going to get the remote," Alice commented.

Helena chuckled. "Have I ever, even once, relinquished the remote these past few months?"

"No," Alice said a little sulkily, "but you will."

They didn't watch TV much anyway. Not enough to form a TV-watching pattern! They had no tradition. She would get the remote one day. Although now she aiming a little lower to try and get control of the remote when they stayed at her place.

Helena guffawed. "Darling, that is a dream not even in the realm of remote possibilities."

"Yeah, yeah," Alice said. "Mark my words, Peabody. I'm getting my remote one day." It occurred to Alice that if she ever wanted to change her surname to Peabody, her initials wouldn't change. 'That would be nice,' Alice thought.

And they remained that way, talking quietly and laughing softly for a couple of hours until they were interrupted by the house phone ringing. Helena sat up quickly, effectively pushing Alice away as she scrambled to reach the phone before it woke the children.

"Hello?" she asked, thinking it would be important. Who would call the house line after 10pm?
Alice watched Helena's expression carefully. Helena's expression went from perplexed to cautious to wary to angry in a matter of seconds.

'Fuck,' Alice thought. It had to be Winnie. It just had to be. No one could inspire such a rapid chain of emotions in Helena like Winnie Mann.

Helena turned away from Alice. "Winnie, I've asked you to call my mobile instead of the house phone after 10pm," she said, her voice coming out coldly cordial. "You do realize how difficult it is to get children back to sleep once they've woken up, don't you?" Helena paused and Alice saw Helena's back stiffen. Alice moved to touch Helena, try to give her some kind of comfort or support, however paltry, but Helena moved off the bed and walked toward the balcony. "Have you been drinking?" Helena asked quietly.

Alice got off the bed and approached Helena tentatively. Alice touched Helena's arm, getting her attention. Helena turned to her and forced a smile.

'It's all right,' Helena mouthed.

Alice bit her lip worriedly as Helena drew her curtains, opened her sliding glass door, stepped out onto her balcony and closed the door behind her.

It wasn't a rejection exactly, but it still hurt. Helena didn't really talk about the details of the custody case, but Alice knew it distressed Helena and wished the British woman would talk about it more often. Even when Alice pressed for elaboration, Helena supplied a few details and then changed the subject. It was probably unpleasant to talk about, but still. Alice glanced worriedly at Helena who sat on the deck chair, head bowed, shoulders slumped. 'Fucking Winnie,' Alice thought venomously. Helena was shivering, and Alice debated for a moment before she walked over to a chair and grabbed her jacket. Helena could pull away all she wanted, but that didn't mean she had to be cold. 'Winnie's probably not cold,' Alice thought resentfully, hating this woman so much. Alice opened the sliding glass door and stepped onto the balcony. Helena paused mid-sentence to glance at Alice, almost startled. Alice wordlessly walked to her and draped her jacket over Helena's shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze. She leaned down and pecked Helena's cheek and then turned around and stepped back into the bedroom to wait.

Helena returned almost twenty minutes later.

Alice was sitting on the bed, watching the door. She stood up when Helena re-entered the room. "Hi," she said softly, moving toward Helena and enveloping the dark-haired in a tight hug. She looked like she needed one. Helena's eyes were red-rimmed and her cheeks were pink from the cold. Alice grabbed Helena's hands which were cold and rubbed them, bringing them up to her lips and blowing on them, trying to warm them. She kissed Helena's hands. "Come on, sweetie," she said very quietly, trying to keep her voice soft as she led Helena toward the bed by the hand. "Come on." She was trying to keep calm but Helena's expression was scaring her. She gently pushed Helena onto her back on the bed. Helena rolled into a half-fetal position, her back to Alice. Alice bit her lip and then lay down behind Helena and held her close, stroking her hair.

Helena sighed softly and took a shaky breath. "She is such a bitch," she remarked, tears evident in her voice, though she was trying to aim for humor. It fell a bit flat.

Alice chuckled sadly and kissed the space between Helena's shoulder blades. "What happened?" she asked quietly, stroking Helena's hair.

"She was drunk," Helena said quietly.

Alice winced. "Oh."

Helena turned around to face Alice. "She's not a drinker," she said earnestly, "she doesn't do this, though I know she's giving you that impression."

"Okay," Alice said softy, though that was exactly the impression she had. She loathed Winnie and she felt a pang of jealousy that even now, Helena was defending Winnie on some level.

"This is not who she is," Helena whispered softly. Winnie had many faults, but she wasn't the kind of person who got drunk and called people to verbally abuse them. Winnie didn't need alcohol for that. And if Helena really believed Winnie was like that, she would never allow Winnie to see the children unsupervised, temporary joint-custody arrangement be damned. Sometimes, after one of these late-night calls she tried to convince herself that maybe Winnie did once love her after all, if she was drinking this way. God knows she drank herself into many stupors after Winnie told her she'd never loved her anyway. But Helena didn't want to flatter herself. Helena sighed and rested her chin on Alice's shoulder. "I'm sorry, darling," Helena said with a soft, sad laugh. "I don't know why I'm so upset. It's the same tired argument. She said nothing new." Helena sighed again and shut her eyes tightly as if to block everything out.

God, she never thought she could hate Winnie so much. But she did. She hated Winnie for telling her she wasn't Wilson and Jun Ying's mother, would never really be their mother no matter how much she read to them or cooked for them or bought them things. That she wasn't good enough to be a mother, and that was why she couldn't have a child of her own. 'Didn't that tell you something, Helena? That you can't carry full-term? Even nature knows you aren't good enough to be a mother.' It wasn't anything new, really, but it stung---so much, especially tonight after Alice so thoughtfully took down that fucking nursery that was a constant reminder she herself thought she wasn't good enough to be a mother.

Alice caressed Helena's face. "Do you want to tell me what she said?" she asked carefully.

Helena was silent for a long moment, visibly debating with herself. To tell Alice or to not tell Alice? The blonde knew of these late night calls, of course, but Helena wanted to spare her the details--why burden Alice with her problems? It didn't affect Alice. Finally, Helena shook her head. No, what was the point? There was nothing Alice could do anyway and why should the blonde care. "It doesn't matter," Helena said finally, her voice soft and rough. "You needn't worry about it, darling. It doesn't affect you." Helena moved to roll over to shut off the light to go to sleep but was stopped by Alice.

Alice grabbed Helena's arm, stopping her movement. "What?" Alice demanded. "What?"

Helena looked at Alice, surprised to see Alice looked almost angry.

"How can you say it doesn't affect me?" Alice demanded. "It affects you so it affects me, Helena," Alice said.

"I didn't intend for it to come out that way," Helena said mildly.

Alice softened. "I know," she said. "I just wanted you to know that if it affects you, it affects me," Alice said quietly. She didn't want this to turn into a potential fight. But she could feel Helena retreating away from her--the way Helena always became withdrawn after one of her many arguments with Winnie and to be honest, Alice hated it.

"I know," Helena said quietly. She sighed softly and shifted again so she was comfortably lying on her side and gazing into Alice's face. "I know," she repeated. "But she said nothing new."

Alice felt a lump rise in her throat. She swallowed hard. "I'm sorry," she said softly.

"She said I wasn't their mother," Helena mumbled. "She says it all the time, of course, so I'm rather used to it. But…" Helena clenched her jaw. "I hate hearing it."

Alice gently touched the side of Helena's face. "You know it isn't true, right?" she asked. She didn't quite understand Helena's insecurity about being a mother--Alice thought Helena was the best mother, ever. Her kids thought she was a fucking hero for Chrissakes, how the hell could Helena, of all people, believe she wasn't the kids' mother? Helena was more of a mother to the kids than Winnie ever could be. When Wilson and Jun Ying came home from a weekend with Winnie, they practically cried with relief and Helena was the one doubting her status as their mother? Jesus. Alice's heart sank when Helena didn't answer right away. "Helena?" she asked. "You have to know it isn't true. You know it isn't, right?" she repeated, pressing for an answer.

Helena smiled weakly, though she was becoming teary-eyed again. Helena wiped at her eyes. "I know," she said with a soft self-deprecating laugh. "It's only that she can be…very harsh," Helena said. She could be too, of course. But Winnie possessed a hardness Helena never had. Helena sighed and glanced up at the ceiling. She hated to admit it, but Winnie still wielded power over her. She wished it were different, wished she didn't take everything Winnie said to heart, but she did. She'd taken everything Winnie said to heart since she was nineteen years old until relatively recently--it was a hard habit to break. Helena cleared her throat, and looked at Alice who was gazing at her, waiting patiently. Helena smiled. That was so like Alice. Helena grimaced. "She said I should take it as a sign I can't have children," Helena whispered, her voice breaking slightly, wincing at the memory of Winnie's triumphant, smug tone.

A look of rage crossed Alice's face as she was filled with hatred. She wanted to throw a rock at Winnie's head. She wanted to punch the woman in the face. She wanted to kick her in the shins. She wanted to throttle Winnie. But Alice could do none of those things. All she could do was hug Helena close, because that was the most important thing right now. Helena's tears spilled down her cheeks and Alice found herself kissing them away, kissing Helena's forehead, her eyelids, her cheeks, her lips, her neck, everywhere to take Helena's mind off her shrew of an ex.

Helena responded eagerly, covering Alice's mouth with her own in a hard kiss. Helena's fingers curled into Alice's hair and Helena brought Alice's head closer, kissing Alice's lips frantically, hot tears spilling out of her eyes.

A part of Alice was concerned. Helena was always so gentle with her. Sweet. Even when things became heated between them, there was always a gentleness in the way Helena treated her, the way Helena touched her. Helena wasn't being aggressive or anything, just…rougher, maybe, than she usually was. On some level, it scared her a little, to see this other side to Helena, this raw need-- but it also turned her on, to see this new thing about Helena.

Helena was always passionate--about everything she did because she never did anything half-heartedly, so when Helena kissed her, Alice knew Helena loved her. But this was different--this was Alice's first indication Helena really wanted her--because she could feel it. She could feel Helena's desire in the way Helena touched her, the way Helena sucked on her tongue. She could hear it in that low growl emanating from the back of Helena's throat.

Alice gasped for breath as Helena tore her lips away and began kissing Alice's neck, sucking on the pulse points. Alice moaned and palmed the nape of Helena's neck, holding Helena's head in place in a tight grip--so tight Alice was worried she was hurting Helena because she realized she wasn't being particularly gentle with Helena either. "Helena?" Alice gasped out. "Wait, Helena?" she panted, cupping Helena's chin so she could look into Helena's eyes.

It was definitely going to progress further--Alice knew implicitly they were going to go further than they ever had and she wanted Helena to be sure. All this time, she'd always wanted Helena to be the one to initiate anything more physical than kissing between them. She respected the fact Helena may not want to be with her so intimately while she continued to date Dana. After all, Alice wasn't sure if she could share Helena that way with anyone else. Alice could admit to herself she probably couldn't, unless that was what Helena wanted. So Alice knew how hard it must be for Helena and for Dana, and that was why she wanted them to control this aspect of the relationship. It just seemed selfish to her to do anything else. "Are you sure?" Alice breathed. She had to get this out of the way now. She wasn't sure she could stop if it progressed any further. If Helena didn't want to go any further, it would have to stop now.

Helena didn't respond. She straddled Alice's thighs and covered Alice's lips with hers. Alice moaned into the kiss, hands clenching fistfuls of the duvet as Helena began to rock into her.

And then Helena stopped.

Alice looked up at her, swallowing hard at the expression on Helena's face, so very naked in its hurt and need to make everything go away, if only for a little while, raw desire so evident. Every emotion Helena was feeling was laid bare for her to see. Even when Helena was upset about something, there was still some semblance of composure, like she was trying to keep her sense of humor. But this was different. Helena stared down at her, blue eyes darker than usual, imbued with desire and hurt and so many other emotions.

"I'm sorry, darling," Helena rasped, in a voice clearly straining to reign in control. It just occurred to her, Alice's gentle inquiry--'are you sure?'--may be the blonde's way of saying she didn't want this, at least not this way. The thought she might be forcing in Alice into this horrified Helena back into her present reality. It took a while for the thought to register--she'd been so lost, but it was there now. She'd always wanted to protect Alice from this part of herself which seemed to have scared off so many people and she didn't want to force Alice into anything. God, never. "If you don't want to--" Helena whispered, moving to scramble away. But Helena's movement was stopped by Alice's hands on her hips.

"Don't move," Alice whispered. "Please, Helena. Don't go." Alice pulled at the tank-top Helena wore to sleep in, trying to pull it up. Alice pulled at the material. "Take it off," she whispered.

Helena swallowed hard, relieved Alice didn't want her to stop, that Alice wanted this as much as she did. Helena wanted Alice so badly her body practically hummed with desire. She pulled the top slowly over her head and stared into Alice eyes which darkened with desire.

After Winnie left her and she realized Tina would never love her, didn't even particularly like her outside of the bedroom, fancy charity functions and expensive restaurants, Helena never believed she would ever be lucky enough to be in a relationship where she could get friendship and love with sex from the same person. But here she was, with Alice. Of course, she didn't have Alice completely. And she suddenly had an image in her head of Alice with Dana that day in the blonde's apartment when it flooded. Alice touched Dana the same way Alice touched her--and that made her nearly choke on her jealousy because in her mind, she thought of those touches as hers--but they weren't. Helena wanted to push away the image, wanted to push away all her thoughts--push everything away and just focus on Alice.

Helena kissed the blonde again, crying a little as she did so and tried to lose herself in the moment and think about nothing else, not about the way Winnie still had the power to upset her, which in the back of her mind made Helena think she wasn't as over Winnie as she wished. She didn't want to think about the fact Winnie might take her children away, that she might lose her children's love because of Winnie, that she might lose Alice's love because of Dana and then she would be alone the way she had for most of her life. It was so unbearable to think of it. She wasn't alone right now and she didn't want to think about anything else other than this moment.

She vaguely registered the removal of clothing but it didn't connect until she cupped Alice's breasts, until one of her thumbs drew circles around one of Alice's nipples, her other hand touched Alice's neck and roamed down Alice's body almost desperately as Helena kissed the blonde and rocked herself against Alice, her wet pussy grinding against Alice's abdomen.

Alice moaned, the sound lost into Helena's mouth, her hands tangling roughly into Helena's hair. This wasn't how she expected their first time to be like--call her a cheesy romantic but she'd always imagined their first time together would be something gentler, sweeter, even. Maybe something involving flowers, candles and soft music. She didn't expect it to be like this, when they were both losing any semblance of control with Helena's movements so urgent, Alice found it almost difficult to keep up. It was like Helena's hands and lips were everywhere and God, though it felt so good, so good she could barely think, some part of Alice was worried.

Helena shifted slightly, breaking the kiss but pushing three fingers quickly inside Alice's pussy, slipping inside easily. Alice gasped, hips jerking off the bed as Helena's fingers thrust inside of her, a little roughly, though not painfully. She liked it a little rough sometimes. Helena's thumb brushed against her clit and Alice's hips jerked higher, her body desperate for more contact. She needed more. She had romantic hopes for their first time--she'd hoped that she could be sweet and gentle, so she could prove to Helena how much she loved her because she wanted to make Helena feel safe with her, and she'd somehow equated gentleness with communicating that.

But this seemed to be what Helena wanted, what she needed, and honestly, Alice wanted and needed this, too. It scared her a little to see Helena was a little out of it, not fully in control of herself, but mostly it turned her on. She'd always felt Helena was holding back a little. Maybe it was self-protection. Certainly, Alice could understand that, because she'd done the same with Dana when the tennis player was still dating around. They were so alike in so many ways, Alice could understand Helena holding back a little. But Helena wasn't holding back now.

But still, this wasn't exactly how she thought their first time together would be. It troubled Alice at first, that when they started doing this, Helena was crying. She was still crying, though now it was just little, tiny sniffles every now and then. At first she thought Helena didn't really want to do this, though it was Helena who initiated it. But Alice realized now that it was okay-- Helena needed this release and Alice was more than willing to oblige.

Helena's thumb brushed against Alice's clit again and Alice's hips bucked up. She bit down on her lower lip, a low, guttural moan wrenching itself from the back of her throat. The fingers on Alice's right hand clenched in Helena's hair, while her left hand scratched down Helena's back. Alice's breaths where shuddered. She moaned Helena's name.

Helena swallowed. It wasn't enough. She was getting lost--lost in all this, but somehow, not lost enough. She wanted to forget who she was, forget about everything except for the woman she was with right now, and to do so, she needed more. She needed to taste everything Alice had to offer. She withdrew her fingers and heard Alice whimper at the loss of contact. She moved down Alice's body and parted Alice's thighs with her fingers, head bowing to taste Alice and then she was lost, really and truly lost, thinking of nothing, aware of nothing other than Alice.

Alice's body jerked at the touch, her fingers clenching into Helena's hair as Helena licked and sucked at her pussy. She could see Helena's head between her legs and somehow just the sight made her wetter. She felt Helena's lips brush against her clit, felt the pressure of Helena's tongue and moaned loudly, her body writhing, her hips arching against Helena's mouth. Alice tried to form a coherent plea, but found she couldn't. She could only moan, a low, begging plea.

Helena sucked on her clit and Alice felt her stomach muscles tighten, her thighs clench as she came, crying out Helena's name in a hoarse yell.

Helena moved up and held Alice's shuddering body in her arms, worried she'd hurt Alice in some way. She'd been…well, more than a little out of it. She swallowed hard. "Darling?" Helena whispered tentatively. "Did I…did I hurt you?" she asked, her voice trembling. She could be a little rough sometimes when she got this way, and she was mortified their first time was like this. She wanted to prove to Alice she could be gentle, too. "Alice?"

"I love you," Alice said, her voice gravelly. "You didn't hurt me. God, no." Alice sighed softly. It was just the opposite. It wasn't quite what she pictured their first time to be like, but it'd felt so good. "You could never hurt me," Alice whispered, nuzzling Helena's neck with her nose. "Are you okay?" Alice whispered, wiping at the tears still falling down Helena's cheeks.

Helena nodded. "I'm fine," she said softly, her voice strangely flat.

"Stop thinking about her," Alice whispered softly. It was hard for her to think about it--that they were in bed and even after everything they just shared, Helena was still upset thinking about some vindictive thing Winnie said to her. Call her selfish, but she wanted Winnie Mann out of their bed, but mostly she wanted Winnie Mann out of Helena's head. She wished she had a way to take away Winnie's power over Helena, but she didn't.

Helena's face fell and she buried her face into Alice's shoulder, crying softly.

Alice held Helena close as they lay side-by-side. Alice brushed her lips against Helena's, wanting to make Helena forget she was upset, wanting to touch, kiss and taste every inch of her. She wanted to take Helena away from all of it and give her everything she could.

Helena responded to the kiss, her hands tangling into Alice's hair, as she kissed Alice eagerly.

Alice kissed Helena's neck, her hands cupping Helena's breasts and giving them a firm, but gentle squeeze. "Helena?" Alice asked quietly. "Do you…do you want me to go on?" Alice asked uncertainly. She'd never seen Helena quite like this before, and this was their first time together this way, so maybe Helena wanted her to stop.

Helena nodded, trying to speak, but found she was unable to form words, just a few incoherent sounds as she tried to tell Alice that she wanted this.

"Okay," Alice said softly and kissed Helena again, her hands trailing gently down Helena's body. She reveled in the way Helena felt, the softness of her skin, the feel of muscles straining and bucking under her touch as her hands roamed. She delighted in the feel of Helena's skin beneath her fingers, her lips, enjoying what her touch was doing to Helena, the gasping breaths, the incoherent pleas, the way Helena shivered and trembled.

Alice's slipped two fingers inside Helena's pussy. Helena released a strangled breath as Alice's fingers moved inside of her. "Alice," Helena whispered starkly. "More. Please," she pleaded in soft, panting gasps.

Alice pushed in two more fingers, trying to be gentle.

"More, please," Helena begged

Alice swallowed hard, understanding Helena's intention. "Helena," she said hesitantly.

"It's fine," Helena ground out.

"But--"

"Please, darling," Helena rasped.

Alice swallowed hard. "I don't want to hurt you," Alice said, tears welling in her eyes.

"You won't," Helena whispered.

"It'll hurt," Alice insisted, her fingers stilling.

Helena's hand cupped over Alice's. "Don't stop," she whispered, forcing Alice's hand to exert more force than before. Helena whimpered, her eyes squeezing shut, breathing shuddered.

Alice tried to pull her fingers away, alarmed, believing she was hurting Helena. If this was hurting Helena, Alice knew she couldn't do what Helena wanted her to do. Alice tried to pull away, but the dark-haired woman held her hand in place. "Don't stop," Helena repeated softly.

Alice sucked in a deep breath and pumped her fingers into Helena again, increasing the pressure, but taking care not to hurt Helena.

Helena's eyes opened and stared pleadingly into Alice's eyes. "Do it."

Alice swallowed hard. "It'll hurt," Alice whispered again, tears spilling out of her eyes.

"Make it hurt," Helena choked out, her hand forcing Alice's hand to thrust harder, rougher.

"I can't," Alice sobbed. "I can't hurt you."

Alice always wanted to be gentle with Helena, because Helena was ultimately so fragile--the British woman took everything to heart and so Alice was always careful with her words, with the way she spoke to Helena because she knew Helena over-analyzed, so a wrong word or an unintentionally harsh tone stung Helena more than it stung other people, though Helena was good at pretending it didn't. Alice tried to be gentle with Helena and she resented anyone who wasn't similarly careful and gentle, which meant she spent a great deal of time resenting nearly everyone Helena came into contact with. She wanted to protect Helena so much and she knew Helena wasn't as fragile as she thought, that Helena didn't really need her protection, but Alice couldn't imagine hurting Helena this way. It was scary almost, to see how lost Helena was.

"I can't hurt you," Alice repeated again, pulling her hand away from Helena's pussy. She took a deep, shaky breath. She touched Helena's cheek. "Do you trust me?" she whispered.

Helena's eyes were wide and round. "Yes," she breathed.

"Then just trust me," Alice whispered, brushing away Helena's tears and kissing her on the mouth. "Just trust me," she whispered again, "I can make you feel so good," Alice said, wanting desperately for it to be true. Alice moved toward the foot of the bed and rested on her knees and leaned forward. She pushed Helena's thighs apart and then lowered her head, kissing and then licking Helena's pussy-- gently at first, and then increasing pressure gradually. Alice felt Helena's hips jerk and her hands reached up and gently held onto Helena's hips which felt so fragile beneath her hands, like they could break if she pressed too hard or if she was careless.

Helena's hands curled into Alice's hair and released a low, keening moan as she felt Alice tongue stroke her pussy, trace little swirls on her clit. Helena's hips bucked, her back arched until finally, Helena came with a hoarse moan that was half-growl. Alice pulled Helena up to her, wrapping her arms around Helena in a tight embrace, feeling Helena's body shake and tremble. "Hey," Alice said quietly, kissing Helena's shoulder. "You okay?"

Helena was quiet for a moment before she responded. "I'm sorry," Helena apologized gravely. She pushed at Alice's shoulders and pulled away, biting the inside of her lower lip.

Alice's brow furrowed in confusion. "What for?" she asked, her voice soft, wrapping an arm around Helena's waist, bringing the dark-haired woman back to her again.

"For…for…" Helena stammered and then trailed off, blushing. She felt ashamed of herself, like she'd used Alice because she'd been too upset to practice any kind of self-control. "I'm sorry, darling," she apologized again. "I was…upset and lost control," Helena said, gazing downward. "I didn't mean to…" Helena swallowed hard. "Upset you or frighten you," Helena said, her voice low. Tina once told her she didn't think Helena could enjoy sex unless there was an audience or risk involved and it disturbed her to think she could communicate the same to Alice. And it was all coming back to her now, the look on Alice's face, the way she'd begged Alice to make it hurt. Helena was mortified. God, this was their first time. What must Alice think of her now? "I--"

"You didn't like it?" Alice asked softly, suddenly insecure, puzzled by Helena's uncharacteristic stammering and by her apology. Maybe Helena didn't like it. It was just that what Helena was asking her to do…it didn't feel right. It may have been their first time together, so it wasn't like Alice really knew what felt good and what didn't for Helena, but she just felt like if she'd done what Helena asked her to, she would have hurt her. And Alice couldn't do that. But it occurred to Alice that Helena may not have enjoyed what she'd done instead

"What?" Helena asked, horrified by the insecurity in Alice's expression. "Of course I liked it, darling. I....I loved it," she said. "I love you. It's simply that I--"

"I loved it, too," Alice interrupted. It wasn't perfect, and not what she expected, but she'd loved it, because she loved Helena. "You don't have to apologize for anything," Alice said emphatically, kissing Helena on the lips. Helena didn't have to apologize for anything, but Alice did want to know what was going on with her. "I love you, Helena," Alice murmured. "I just want you to be you and feel comfortable with me, okay?" Alice asked, smiling slowly when Helena gave a slow nod of her head. "Good," Alice whispered, bringing her lips to Helena's again. "I love you," Alice whispered again, touching Helena's cheek with her palm.

Helena's eyes closed and turned her head slightly so she could kiss the center of Alice's palm. "I love you, too," Helena whispered, her eyes welling with tears, her face trembling. She was so afraid she would lose her children and she was afraid she would lose Alice. After Winnie's phone call tonight, losing her children seemed like a distinct possibility--almost a definite event in the near future. Something in Winnie's tone made Helena feel like she should be ready for Winnie winning custody. Winnie didn't say anything new, but there was just some undercurrent of threat and menace that was never there before--Helena tried to blame it on the alcohol, but it still made her uneasy. With the threat of losing her children in the foreseeable future and the possibility of losing Alice on top of that, it was all a little too much.

She wasn't sure she could survive if it all happened the way she feared it would.

"Helena," Alice whispered helplessly. After everything they just did, Helena still felt so far away. She didn't know how to make things better for Helena, who was clearly upset though she seemed to be feeling a little better now than she did a few hours ago or even thirty minutes ago. But Helena was still crying, albeit not very hard and Alice found that a little disconcerting. Alice didn't know what else she could do, so she held Helena tightly.

Helena laughed sadly, a little self-deprecatingly and nuzzled Alice's neck. She wasn't going to wallow in self-pity. After all, what right did she have to feel sorry for herself? What did she want that she didn't have? She had someone to love, and someone who loved her back. She had her children. She wanted nothing else. Why should she indulge herself in self-pity just because the only things she ever really wanted--the only people she really loved and who loved her back could be taken away from her? At least she'd once had their love at all. "It's all right, darling," Helena murmured trying to assure Alice who still looked distressed. "Everything's fine." She smiled at Alice, though it looked and felt a bit forced and pecked Alice's lips. "Truly."

Alice looked at her hesitantly. Alice didn't believe her, though she did believe Helena was regaining her composure and she was feeling a little better. But Alice didn't think that meant everything was 'fine.' Alice caressed Helena's cheek. "I love you so much," Alice whispered, resting her forehead against Helena's. "Tell me how to make it better," she pleaded. "I want to."

Helena was quiet as she contemplated this, genuinely contemplated it. If anyone else said that to her, she would have laughed it off, because she would have known the person didn't really care. But Alice did, and Helena was grateful Alice cared. And maybe at some other time, she would have thanked Alice for her concern, but changed the subject because she didn't want to burden Alice with all her problems. But at the moment she just had no idea what was wrong with her, why everything hurt more than it usually did. "I don't know," Helena whispered tearfully. She really didn't. She had no idea how she could make it better for herself, let alone how to ask for help to make it better. "I'm sorry," Helena said raggedly.

Alice's eyes shut. 'Fuck,' she thought. "It's okay," she said, hugging Helena close. It was getting late and Helena had a long day today and she would have a long day tomorrow and Alice didn't want to push. What was there to push anyway? Helena was just as lost. So Alice smiled and kissed the tip of Helena's nose, and touched Helena's cheek with her palm. "Go to sleep, sweetheart," Alice said softly, "I'll protect you."

----------------

When Alice awoke a few hours later, Helena was already out of bed, obviously downstairs cooking the children breakfast. Alice lay in bed for a moment contemplating the night before and then sat up, grabbed her glasses from the dresser, put on some clothes and padded downstairs.

"Hi Alice," Jun Ying, Wilson and Lulu chirped cheerfully when she entered into the kitchen.

Helena looked up and smiled.
Alice smiled back and then took her usual spot at the table, Jun Ying and Wilson vying for her attention. Alice snuck glances at Helena but the British woman was preoccupied with putting the finishing touches on breakfast, quizzing Lulu in preparation for her midterm on French Medieval Drama, reminding Jun Ying she had a Girl Scouts meeting that night and Wilson that he would be catching a ride with Mrs. Delacroix and her son to art class after school.

Most of the time, Alice admired the way Helena could multi-task--marveled at the way Helena could do so many things at once and do them all so well. But sometimes she wondered about that kind of passion Helena put into everything--it could become exhausting.

Alice admired and loved Helena's strength. Helena was still crying a little when she'd fallen asleep in Alice's arms, and though Alice, too, eventually fell asleep, she'd been awake for several hours after Helena fell asleep--she could see Helena was sleeping restlessly. And that worried her. But now Helena was preparing breakfast, holding court in the kitchen as everyone clamored for her attention, smiling and laughing, just like always, as if nothing was wrong. And of course, Alice loved her for it, loved Helena's strength and the way she always put other people ahead of herself. But Alice wondered how a person could go from crying herself to sleep to perfectly okay within the span of a few hours. She admired Helena's strength but she wondered how strong Helena believed she had to be. It seemed like Helena believed she had to be strong all the time, and she had to apologize when she wasn't and that didn't sit well with Alice.

After breakfast, Lulu went to campus to meet with a study group. Helena went upstairs to change for work and Alice drove the children to school. When Alice came back, so that she, too, could get washed up and ready for work, Helena was sitting on the bed, immersed in business-related phone call. It was obviously going to take a while, so Alice went into the bathroom to clean up.

Helena was finishing up the call when Alice emerged from the bathroom. "Hello, darling. Thank-you for driving the children to school," Helena said, once she was off the phone. She stood up and walked to the blonde, kissing Alice on the cheek before smiling at her. "They do love your car," Helena said fondly. Wilson and Jun Ying still agreed Alice's car was the coolest car, ever.

"Can we talk for a sec?" Alice asked softly, reaching for Helena's hand and leading them to the bed. "I know you're busy in the morning, so I'll try to make it quick."

"You know I'm never too busy for you," Helena said. She could never be too busy for Alice. If Alice wanted to talk, they would talk, but she couldn't quite suppress her wariness.

"About last night," Alice started hesitantly.

Helena winced but said nothing.

Alice took Helena's hand. "You okay?" Alice asked softly. "Last night you were kind of upset."

Helena sighed. "I'm sorry if I frightened you," Helena said, pulling her hand away from Alice and wrapping her arms around herself.

"You didn't," Alice said quietly, reaching forward to gently take Helena's hands again. She'd thought about it, and really, she'd been scared for Helena, not scared of her. "You didn't freak me out or anything," Alice said. "I don't want you thinking that." Alice was silent for a moment. "It's not like I wouldn't…you know, with you," Alice said with a shrug. "Because I would. But last night…it would have hurt you," Alice said. "And I couldn't, Helena. I couldn't hurt you like that." That particular activity definitely required at least some lube, and last night, Helena asked her to do it without it. It just would have been too painful if she'd done it and Alice couldn't imagine hurting Helena.

Helena was silent, hanging her head. "I'm sorry," she mumbled, not meeting Alice's eyes and staring down at the bed. "I lost…control."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, and I don't care if you lose control," Alice said softly, cupping Helena's chin and tucking it up so she could peer into Helena's eyes. "I know things have been kind of crazy with my apartment and all, so I haven't been very good to you--"

"No!" Helena said quickly. "No, that's not it at all--"

Alice smiled crookedly. "That's good to know," she said, honestly a little relieved. "But I know I've been kind of preoccupied these past few days. So maybe I haven't been paying attention to you the way I should. But I'd like to think that if something were bothering you, I would notice. Or you would tell me. But I don't know. Maybe not," Alice said. She brushed a lock of Helena's hair away from her face. "So is there something going on? Something that's bothering you?"

Helena was quiet. "No," she said softly. "Nothing more than usual," she said with a wry grin.

"Then why were you crying last night?" Alice asked gently.

"Because I was happy?" Helena asked, forming a goofy grin.

In spite of herself, Alice laughed. "Helena!" she exclaimed, whapping the other woman's knee and grinning with a mixture of affection and exasperation. "Come on."

Helena laughed as well, and then became serious again and sighed. "I don't know, exactly," Helena confessed quietly. "I was happy last night before she called. I was happy to be with you," Helena said shyly, ducking her head. "I'm happy when I'm with you."

Alice smiled. "I'm happy when I'm with you, too." She looked at Helena intently. "So it was Winnie calling that upset you?" Alice asked, trying to keep her voice even and mellow though she felt the urge to punch Winnie in the face as hard as she could.

"Yes," Helena said quietly. "But I can't blame her for everything," she said with a sigh. She flopped onto her back. "I was being self-indulgent last night."

Alice frowned and lay on her stomach, next to Helena. "No, you weren't," Alice said firmly.

"I was," Helena disagreed softly. "I was," she repeated, a little more strongly. "Winnie…said some things that upset me."

"Yeah," Alice said quietly, and oh, how she hated Winnie for those hateful things.

"It felt different this time," Helena said, turning her face away from Alice because she could not bear to see Alice looking at her so sympathetically. "I don't quite know what it was," Helena said contemplatively. "Only that she seemed so confident she could take Wilson and Jun Ying away." She was used to Winnie telling her she wasn't really their mother, and a part of her could accept that. Maybe Wilson and Jun Ying only accepted her as their mother now because they were so young and fragile. Helpless, really. They depended on her, so to some degree, their love was kind of compulsory. But maybe when they got older, and they didn't need her to cook their meals or check their homework or pay their expenses, they would reject her. Because who was she, really? She didn't give birth to either of them and no matter how much she tried to tell herself otherwise, Helena felt blood and biology were important. So Helena was used to Winnie saying she wasn't their mother, could accept it on some level. But the thought of Winnie taking them away--it was intolerable. She would never see them again, and Winnie would turn them against her so they would grow to despise her. And if she could just believe Winnie would take good care of them, it would be less painful, easier to deal with. But Winnie fucking neglected them half the time. Like when Helena came home when the children were four years old and found them swimming in the pool while Winnie read a book in the living room. Helena taught her children to swim, but to leave four year olds unattended--it infuriated Helena. The pool had been specially designed, so there was no traditional deep end, but it infuriated Helena just the same. There was a fence around the pool and only she and Winnie had the key which meant Winnie unlocked the gate and let the children into the pool. And Winnie's excuse for not supervising? She wasn't much of a swimmer. So how could Helena trust two small children to Winnie's care? How? "I don't know what I would do if I lost them," Helena said quietly.

Alice touched Helena's cheek. "Helena, please look at me," she said quietly.

Helena turned to look at her, her lower lip trembling slightly.

"You're not going to lose them," Alice said. "If she manages to get custody…" Alice winced when Helena flinched at that. "We'll fucking fight her every step of the way. She's not going to win. I promise you, I'll do anything to make sure you keep them."

Helena wished she could be so confident. But she just wasn't. Helena swallowed hard and turned away again, and curling up, trying to hide. "She brought up the miscarriage," Helena said, her voice slightly muffled as she tried to bury her face into the sheets. Helena's fingers clenched at
the duvet. "I don't know why I was foolish enough to believe she was ever sad about it," Helena said, laughing self-deprecatingly. "It was my baby and God knows she never loved me, so why would she be sad?" Helena said, tears welling in her eyes.

"Helena," Alice whispered, tucking her body behind Helena's, holding Helena in her arms.

Helena breathed shakily. "I was twenty-two," she muttered. "I'd just finished school and we had a donor. A classmate of mine," Helena smiled wistfully. "He was several years ahead of me," she recalled with a sigh. "He was beautiful. And committed to the same campus organizations as I."

"Did you have a crush on him?" Alice teased gently, drawing out the 'uh' sound in 'crush' in an attempt to cheer Helena up.

It was the right thing to say because Helena chuckled softly. "I am a lesbian through and through," Helena declared with a soft giggle. "But he was…appealing," Helena said. "I didn't have a crush on him, but I thought he was a good man," Helena said. "I respected him. And he was handsome and intelligent. He was perfect, really." Helena's expression darkened. "As you know, after I graduated, Winnie and I had our commitment ceremony," Helena said.

"Yeah," Alice said quietly.

"We started trying to have a baby right away because I wanted a family and I thought she did as well," Helena muttered. "I was four months along when I…" Helena swallowed hard. "Well, you know what happened, darling," Helena said hoarsely. How much detail did she have to go into? She was at work one day and she started bleeding. By the time she got to the hospital, it was too late and two miscarriages later, they finally realized she would not be able to carry a child to full-term. And then Winnie became pregnant with Wilson.

At the time, she was so relieved it was easy for Winnie, especially since Winnie's pregnancy wasn't nearly as difficult as hers had been. She'd been sick all the time when she was pregnant. But at the time, she was just happy Winnie was pregnant and Jun Ying's adoption was going smoothly. She thought she would finally have the family she wanted, and she was so happy-- happy Winnie was healthy and Jun Ying's birthmother was healthy and everything was falling into place. Now she resented Winnie for being able to do something she couldn't.

Helena sniffled. "I fooled myself into believing she cared about that," Helena paused. "But I know now she didn't," Helena said, her voice extremely small. If Winnie had ever cared, she couldn't have said such a horrible thing over the phone last night. And she didn't know why she'd been so unprepared for that realization, why she was so caught off guard by it. Winnie never loved her, so why would Winnie care? Even in the days and weeks immediately following her miscarriage, Winnie could barely be bothered with her. Why should Winnie care losing that child had been one of the worst days in Helena's life, that it was so awful it made Helena sick to even think of it, let alone have it so cruelly thrown in her face by someone who should have cared. "It was already on my mind when she brought it up," Helena confessed. "Because of the nursery. I suppose I allowed her to…" Helena shrugged sadly, "have too much influence last night."

Alice winced. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "When I took down the nursery, I didn't mean to make you think about it," Alice said, although now she felt foolish. Of course Helena would think about it. Helena told she was happy the nursery was gone, but…"I just wanted--"

"Oh, darling," Helena said, "no," she said, turning quickly to face Alice. She touched the blonde's cheek. "That was the kindest thing anyone ever did for me," she murmured. "I couldn't do it myself and I've tried. You know that," Helena said sincerely. "I tried not to think about it being there, but every time I thought about it, I felt so awful," Helena admitted quietly. "Thank-you, darling," Helena whispered. "Thank-you so much for taking it away. I'm so happy you did. Really, Alice. I truly am." Helena laughed wryly. "I hated that it was there, reminding me of…" Helena trailed off. Reminding her of that desperately wanted child never meant to be. "But I couldn't help but think of it yesterday," Helena said gently. "I lost control of myself because I was…upset. It won't happen again," Helena said quietly. "I'm sor--"

"I don't want you to apologize," Alice said. "You don't have anything to be sorry for, Helena. I just want you to be able to talk to me about this kind of stuff and not keep it to yourself because you think I don't worry about it too, or it doesn't affect me. Because it does. I worry about the kids, too. I want to know what's going on. And what affects you affects me. So I want know to why you're upset when you're upset but…" Alice paused. "You don't always tell me." And Alice could understand that. She was Helena's girlfriend, but she was also Dana's girlfriend, and that meant Helena needed to protect herself a little. It was Helena's method of self-protection from preventing herself becoming too vulnerable to someone, even if that person was Alice. If Helena needed to put a little distance between them, well, that hurt, but Alice could understand that. But Alice wondered if part of the reason Helena was so upset last night was because Helena kept the contents of Winnie's frequent vituperative phone calls to herself. "I'm not saying you have to tell me everything," Alice said. "And I sort of understand why maybe you wouldn't want to. I'm just saying sometimes it helps to talk to someone, and when I need someone to talk to, I go to you. So I just want you to know that if you need to talk to someone, you can go to me."

"I know I can," Helena said softly with a smile. "I trust you more than I trust anyone, darling."

Alice smiled back. "So last night--"

Helena sighed. "It's like I said. I was upset and I lost control," she said. "It just felt too much," Helena confessed softly. "She's been calling me so much at the office, on my mobile, at home and I suppose it got to be too much for me." Helena smiled wryly. "Her phone call last night was… the straw breaking the donkey's back, I suppose."

Alice gave her a tiny smile. "See? You can tell me these things, your head won't explode."

Helena chuckled. "No, I suppose not."

"Helena?"

"Yes, darling?"

"Promise to tell me these things?" Alice asked quietly. She held out her pinky.

"I promise," Helena said softly hooking Alice's pinky with hers.

"Good," Alice, breathed, touching their thumbs together to seal the deal.

It was a little embarrassing for Helena that Alice felt the need to do this. She felt like she'd been so foolish and weak the night before, and she was very relieved Alice didn't seem to be scared off by her behavior--Helena certainly wouldn't have blamed Alice if she had been. The entire time she spent preparing breakfast and eating, she worried once they were alone, Alice would tell her they were over, that her actions prompting Alice to choose Dana. But that didn't happen.

She didn't want to share the details of the custody case with Alice--mainly because it was unpleasant and Helena didn't like thinking about it, let alone talk about it. But it was also because she knew that a custody battle and children meant emotional baggage and most people tried to avoid excess emotional baggage. Alice was still young, she had no dependents--if Alice wanted to move to Prague tomorrow, Alice could do it. She didn't have a lot of commitments or burdens. But Helena knew it was different for herself. She could bankroll a move to Europe tomorrow, but there were far too many other things to consider. Baggage and burdens.

Dana Fairbanks didn't have baggage and burdens and Helena feared that telling Alice about what was going on with Winnie and the custody case would give Dana an edge. After all, why should Alice choose her, who was loaded with duties and responsibilities if Alice could choose Dana who could also probably move to Prague tomorrow, if she wanted.

Helena didn't want to give Dana an edge by making Alice so privy to all the unpleasantness.

But for some reason, Alice wanted to be involved in all of it, and though Helena had no idea why, it was a relief. Because she did feel guilty for involving Alice in her fucked-up life. It was a relief to know Alice still wanted to be a part of her life, despite having an inkling of how screwed up it was and she loved the blonde more for it.

"Helena?" Alice asked.

"Yes?"

"So you're really okay? I mean, you were upset last night. So I just wanted to make sure you--"

"I'm fine now," Helena said softly. She covered Alice's mouth with hers in a sweet, brief kiss. "I must get to work now though," she said. "I have a meeting in forty minutes," Helena smiled wryly and stood to her feet, smoothing out her clothing. "Thank-you darling." She loved Alice and loved what the blonde had said and done for her. Alice was so good to her, and that was so wonderful and unexpected. She did have a meeting in forty minutes, but she could have cancelled it if she wanted. But at the moment she needed to get away for a while to think.

Alice watched her leave, feeling better but not entirely convinced that Helena was, in fact, "fine." If she ever saw Winnie again, she wasn't sure she could refrain from punching her in the face.
--------

Dana has known Alice for a long time, she has seen every mood Alice had and at the moment Alice was not in a good one. Alice was trying not to be, of course, but Dana has known Alice for years and seen Alice fake a good mood on countless occasions. Most of the time, Alice did a good job of it--she may be the worst liar, ever, but Alice was good at pretending she was happy when she really wasn't, and after so many years, first as Alice's best friend and then her girlfriend, Dana was able to tell the difference. "What's wrong?" Dana asked softly.

Alice smiled at her. "Nothing's wrong," she said.

"Al."

Alice grinned wryly. "Honestly, Dana. Nothing's wrong. I was just thinking about stuff, but…" Alice trailed off and leaned forward and kissed Dana's lips. "I want to concentrate on you now."

Dana smiled into the kiss, her hand brushing across Alice's cheeks before winding to cup the back of Alice's neck, bringing the blonde's head in a little closer. They kissed languidly, tongues moving in gentle exploration before Dana broke the kiss, panting slightly and her heart feeling as though it would explode out of her chest. She loved Alice so much--she always had. Even when they were just friends, Dana always loved her best. And then at some point, she'd fallen in love with Alice, too. "You just seemed a little preoccupied," Dana said.

Alice looked away. "This song reminds me of us," she said, wanting to change the subject.

Dana smiled. "It reminds me of us, too," Dana agreed, cocking her head to the side to listen to the lyrics a little more carefully. She'd been listening to the song incessantly over the past week.

You are my sweetest downfall. I loved you first, I loved you first…beneath the stars came falling on our heads. But they're just old light, they're just old light. Your hair was long, when we first met…

Last week Alice gave her a CD the blonde made special for Dana and this song was the third track on the CD. The blonde was always doing that for her--making her CDs of songs she thought Dana would like, and Alice was always right. Dana loved the songs Alice gave her, songs she'd generally not heard before, but which quickly became favorites because they always reminded her of Alice. The CD had been especially meaningful because it was the first time Alice did it since they got back together and Dana took it as a hopeful sign, that maybe Alice was trusting her again, that Alice could see Dana as her future again. Alice was still sleeping on the couch when she stayed over, but Dana thought they could fix that. If Alice was willing to trust her and believe in her again, Dana would do anything to make that happen.

"Al," Dana said softly. "Please don't change the subject. Is something bothering you?"

Alice was torn. She was worried about Helena. They kept in touch for most of the day. But she couldn't help but worry about Helena. She felt a little unsettled about the way they left things that morning, like Helena was still troubled, and that troubled Alice. At any other time in their lives, Alice would have told Dana everything. If Alice was worried about someone she was dating, she always went to Dana because Dana always listened patiently. But now she was dating both Helena and Dana, and that meant she couldn't go to Dana when she was worried about Helena. Of course, that meant she couldn't go to Helena when she was worried about Dana, and so sometimes Alice felt like she lost her two best friends. "No," Alice said, forcing a smile. "I'm fine." She grinned at Dana. "How was your day?" she asked, because she really wanted to know.

She'd dropped by Dana's condo after work because she promised Dana they would have dinner. Alice thought she would pick Dana up and they would go somewhere, but when she got to Dana's, Alice found Dana already cooked dinner-- and it was good. Alice complimented Dana on the meal and Dana shyly admitted she was taking cooking lessons and wanted to surprise Alice. Alice loved Dana so much for that--there was no way she could tell Dana she was worried about Helena. She wanted to spend her time with Dana focused on Dana--it was too cruel otherwise.

Dana smiled at her. "It was the usual. I got up, trained with Lucia, went to the bank--nothing out of the ordinary, Al. How was your day?"

Alice smiled at her. "It was good," she said with a smile. "I finished an article." Alice looked down at the table. "I'll clean up, why don't you go hang out on the sofa or something?"

"Al, you don't have to clean up," Dana protested.

Alice grinned at her. "Don't be dorky, Dana," Alice teased. "The cook shouldn't clean up."

Dana smiled at her. "Can't I just hang out with you?" she asked.

Alice laughed fondly. "You want to hang out with me while I wash dishes?" she asked wryly.

"I like hanging out with you," Dana said quietly. Moments spent with Alice were so few now. Dana wistfully thought back to all the times she and Alice spent together, just the two of them, both as friends and as girlfriends. She wished she could have appreciated it when she had the chance--she didn't know why she took it for granted so much. And she should have known breaking up with Alice would mean the blonde would move on eventually. Dana couldn't believe she didn't see this coming, that Alice would move onto someone else. Sure they were still together--kind of. But it wasn't like it was before, and she missed those days when it was just the two of them. Now even when they were alone, it felt like there was someone else in the room.

"Okay, then," Alice said with a happy smile. "Keep me company." Alice grinned at Dana. "Because I kind of like spending time with you, too," Alice said, nuzzling Dana's neck.

Dana smiled and hugged Alice. "I really missed you last night," Dana confessed. She could understand Alice better now--could understand why Alice had been so insecure and a little clingy when Lara first started working at The Planet because now she was going through the same thing. She hated herself for it--she still felt Alice would never have wanted to date Helena if she hadn't broken up with Alice in the first place. Now it was too late. She had to share Alice with Helena and she hated it and hated the clinginess she was displaying with Alice lately, even if Alice seemed to understand. But that was nothing new. Alice always understood.

Alice flinched, relieved Dana couldn't see her. Now she was worried about Helena and felt guilty for having sex with her. Alice knew this would happen. She knew that sex with Helena meant she would feel like she was betraying Dana, just like sex with Dana felt like a betrayal of Helena. The entire situation was just fucked up. She was weary of it. They were probably all weary of it, but she couldn't seem to make a choice. She couldn't lose Dana-- she was the first person Alice ever loved, the first person she ever felt so deeply about. Alice wasn't stupid. She knew if she chose Helena, she would lose Dana, and she couldn't bear the thought of it. She'd already lost Dana once as a friend when they broke up. She couldn't stand the thought of losing Dana again by choosing Helena. But that thought of losing Helena was equally unbearable, and if she chose Dana, Alice knew she would lose Helena as a friend. Oh, of course, no matter who she chose, Alice knew the other woman would force a smile, wish her well and promise they would always be friends, but Alice knew it wasn't true. If she chose one, she would lose the other-- that was just the way things were. The other person would never trust her the way she used to again, would always be a little wary of her, and Alice couldn't stand that idea. So she was stuck. Alice stroked Dana's hair. "I love you, Dana," Alice said, trying to keep all the emotions she was feeling out of her voice. "I love you so much," Alice whispered.

Dana's eyes shut, relieved. "I love you, too," she said.

After a few minutes, Alice broke away and stood up, clearing the dishes. "I'll start cleaning up."

Dana stood up and followed Alice into the kitchen. "You really don't have to clean up."

Alice turned around and leaned against the sink, wagging her finger playfully at Dana. "The cook should never clean up," she declared. She narrowed her eyes. "You're just doing this so the next time I cook, you're going to make me clean your entire kitchen," she accused teasingly, moving forward to poke Dana's side.

Dana squealed and jumped away and slapped at Alice's hands. "The last time you cooked in my kitchen, you almost burned it down," she said.

Alice pretended to look offended. "I did not almost burn it down," she said, sniffing and turning up her nose superciliously. "So the dishrag and pot holders caught fire. I contained it." Alice said, flexing her biceps. "I'm a fireman!" she crowed. She frowned a little. "Firewoman."

Dana laughed. "They would never let you near a fire truck," she said.

Alice shrugged. "Then I'll get a bicycle and paint it bright red. It'll have a basket and a bell I'll use like a siren." Alice put her fists out as though she were holding bicycle handlebars. "I'll be the best firewoman on a bicycle, ever," she declared. "And I'll go around to the apartments of hot lesbian tennis-playing ladies and put out their kitchen fires." Alice grinned impishly. "I'll never be broke again!" Alice declared with a laugh. She smiled. "I'm such a bitch when I'm broke."

Dana smiled. "No you aren't," she said softly. "You're never bitchy." She paused. "So this business venture, what would happen if I sabotaged it by taking out all the hot lesbian tennis-playing ladies?" Dana teased.

Alice looked thoughtful. "Then I would get my lawyer to sue you for everything you've got and then I'll have you take care of me for the rest of my life in the manner to which I've come accustomed," Alice declared dramatically, tilting her head back and bringing the back of her wrist to her forehead. "I'm such a lady, after all," she said in a faux-Southern accent.

"You don't have a lawyer," Dana said with a grin.

"In my hypothetical universe where I ride around putting out kitchen fires on a bicycle, I do."

"And you wouldn't sue me anyway," Dana said, putting her arms around Alice waist.

"What makes you think I wouldn't sue you?" Alice teased. "I mean, if you're going around 'taking out' your fellow hot lesbian tennis playing ladies, what makes you think I won't sue you?"

Dana pretended to mull this over. "Because you like me?"

"Hmm," Alice said, contemplating this. "No, you're going to give me more reasons."

"Because I like you?"

"Lots of people like me," Alice said playfully. "I'm very likable, you know. Once you get past the stench, I mean," she said, lifting her arm up and pretending to smell her underarms. She made a face. "Pee-yeuw," she said. "But I'm still very likable."

Dana laughed and slapped Alice's stomach. "You don't smell!"

Alice raised an eyebrow. "Are you saying I smell like nothing?"

"You don't smell bad," Dana corrected. She grinned mischievously. "Most of the time," she added after a measured pause.

Alice stared at her for a second and then poked Dana's ribs in mock outrage. "Hey!"

Dana squealed, turned and ran away. Alice ran after her.

"I said you don't smell bad!" Dana shrieked with laughter, stopping behind the sofa while Alice stopped in the front of it. Dana bobbed around, Alice following her every movement as the blonde tried to catch her. Dana bobbed again, trying to figure out how to escape. "I said you don't smell bad!" Dana yelled again. "Most of the time! Which is true!" Dana turned around and ran to the sofa, vaulting over the arm of it to run around on the cushions. "I speak the truth!"

Alice ran after her and circled around to the other side of the couch, just as Dana leaped off it. Dana landed on the ground and the stumbled slightly, losing her balance and knocking into Alice. They tumbled to the ground, giggling. Alice straddled Dana's waist, tickling the other woman. "I've got you!" she declared, giggling.

Dana laughed, slapping at Alice's hands. "I could still take you down if I wanted!"

"Ha!" Alice cried. "I've got you! You can't beat me." Alice continued to tickle Dana as the tennis player laughed breathlessly. "Now tell me I don't smell bad!"

"I already told you that!" Dana gasped out, giggling.

"You said I don't smell bad---most of the time!"

"Well, it's true!"

"Tell me I never smell bad!"

"No!"

"Do it!"

"No!"

"Give into me, Dana!"

Dana shrieked with laughter and slapped the ground with her hands. "Okay! Okay! You never smell bad!" she yelled. "You never smell bad, okay? You win!"

Alice grinned triumphantly and tickled Dana's sides. "Now tell me I smell good."

"You smell good!"

Alice punched her arms victoriously and stood up, turning around like a prizefighter. "I win!"

"Hey Al?"

Alice turned around to look at Dana who was still lying on the ground. "Yeah?"

"I take it back!" Dana laughed, sticking her tongue out, scrambling to her feet and running away.

"Hey!" Alice yelped, running after her.

Alice caught up to her in the hallway. "You take it back, huh?" she asked, tickling Dana's ribs.

Dana laughed. "You said you'd wash my dishes, Al! Get washing!"

Alice pouted. "You just want me for your household chores," she said, though she couldn't suppress the grin creeping across her lips.

Dana grinned at her. "I want you for other household duties, too," she said huskily, bringing their lips together in a brief, sweet kiss. "You are the little missus."

Alice started to laugh and then stopped. "Hey," she complained good-naturedly. "How come you aren't the little missus?"

Dana stared at her for a moment. "Well, for starters, I'm taller."

"You are not taller."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you aren't."

"Yes, I am. Hello, don't you remember how you told me you used to line up your brother's toy soldiers and stand over them so you would feel taller than someone in your family?"

"I was seven! I grew a lot since then. You're not taller that me. We're the same height. How come everyone thinks I'm so short? If you really want to see a short person, look at Jenny."

"Let's prove it then."

They stood face-to-face and Dana put her hand over their heads to try to measure their heights

"You are standing on your toes," Dana accused.

"I am not," Alice huffed. "You're just sad we're exactly the same height and now you have nothing to make you more butch than me."

"I am a sports dyke. That makes me more butch than you," Dana declared. "And you run like a girl."

"I don't run like a girl!"

"Uh-huh! Yes, you do!" Dana said, running away and flaying her arms and legs around in an imitation of Alice. "You totally run like a girl."

Alice ran after her. "I don't run like that!"

"Yes, you do!"

"Nah-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

Alice scowled. "I don't run like a girl!" she protested, folding her arms over her chest.

Dana smiled. "I think it's cute though."

Alice suppressed a smile. "You do, huh?"

Dana nodded. "I do. I think you're cute." Dana paused. "Even if you are stinky sometimes," she teased, stepping away as Alice swatted at her stomach. Dana laughed and put her arms around Alice waist. "I have ice cream. Will I make you feel better if I give you ice cream?"

Alice looked at her suspiciously. "What flavor?"

"Vanilla fudge ripple."

"Let's go."

Dana got the ice cream carton out of the freezer and walked to her silverware drawer to fetch two spoons. She stopped by her cupboard to get two bowls when she realized she didn't want them-- separate bowls meant that much more distance from Alice, and she wanted to be as close to Alice as possible. "Here," Dana said, passing Alice a spoon and taking the lid off the carton.

Alice smiled at her. "I'll go get the bowls."

"Let's just eat it straight from the carton."

Alice looked confused. "But you hate that, you think it's gross and spreads bacteria."

Dana laughed. Okay, so it was true. "I don't mind your bacteria. Do you mind my bacteria?"

Alice chuckled. "I like your bacteria," she said

"Go ahead then," Dana said softly.

Alice grinned at her and cut a line through the ice cream with her spoon. "I used to want to get bowls when I was a kid," she commented. "When we'd get ice cream, I never got any because my brother and sister were such hogs and we ate straight out the carton. I'd try to get a spoonful, but they were so much bigger, I never got any," Alice said with a laugh. "I always liked popsicles when I was a kid because of it." Alice smiled. "In my house, going past this line meant World War Three," Alice reminisced, tracing the line she made in the ice cream with her spoon. "I like eating out of the carton because now I can finally get to it," Alice said, spooning some ice cream and bringing it to her lips. "Kinda stupid, huh?" she asked with a wry grin.

"It's not stupid," Dana defended. She stood half-out of her chair and kissed Alice's forehead before sitting down again in her chair. She got a spoonful of the ice cream. "You can always eat the ice cream straight of the carton with me, Al," she said softly.

Alice smiled at her. "You're sweet," she murmured, trying to swallow back the lump rising in her throat. Dana was so sweet and good to her. Dana treated her better than anyone her family--her family never remembered her birthday, but Dana always did. Dana treated her with more kindness and gentleness than her family ever had. Dana just knew how to talk to her, how to treat her. How could she possibly give Dana up?

A few hours later, Alice put the last bowl in the dish rack, grabbed a paper towel to wipe her hands and grinned at Dana who was standing a few feet away, leaning against the cabinets. "It was really good, Dana," Alice said sincerely.

Dana smiled at her. "You said that like, nine times tonight already," she said, though she enjoyed hearing it. She still remembered how disastrously the last time she tried to cook for Alice turned out. She kept hearing what a great cook Helena was, and Alice seemed to admire that, though the blonde wasn't picky about food. They couldn't go out to eat all the time, and Dana thought it was time she learned how to cook, so she'd signed up for cooking lessons, hoping she could surprise Alice with a meal that wasn't burnt or undercooked. At first, Dana thought Alice was just being polite when she complimented the meal--after all, the blonde complimented the burnt chicken and undercooked rice meal as well. But Dana could tell Alice genuinely enjoyed it, and Dana herself thought it wasn't half bad. She was a little proud of herself and she was happy. Somehow, doing this, making dinner at home and eating at the kitchen table and cleaning up together made Dana feel like they were really together, like they were a family.

"It was really good, Dane." Alice repeated. She smiled. "There, now I've said it ten times. It was so good, it deserved to be said at least ten times," Alice said.

Dana laughed. "Al?" she asked.

"Yeah?"

"Thank-you."

Alice smiled at her. "Of course, baby," she said. "Now I'll have to make you feed me all the time." Alice grinned impishly at her. "Don't think I'll let you shirk your cooking duties."

Dana laughed. "Hey I--"

The sound of Alice's cell phone ringing interrupted Dana. Dana saw Alice move to answer it and then pause. "I'll just let that go," Alice muttered, staring at the ground.

Dana sighed. She recognized the ring tone. It was the one Alice assigned to Helena. Dana has heard that ring-tone enough to know it belongs to Helena. "You can answer it," Dana said.

Alice winced. "Dana."

"You can," Dana insisted, looking away. It meant something to her that Alice tried to keep focused on her when they were together, but she could see Alice wanted to take the call.

Alice looked hesitant. She wanted to answer. She didn't want to answer. She was worried about Helena, of course, but the last time they spoke, Helena sounded better. Alice asked if she should sleep at Helena's house again, rather than at Dana's like originally planned, but Helena declined, saying Alice didn't have to, she could spend the night with Dana. And of course, Alice wanted to spend the night with Dana--she loved her. But she didn't think Helena would be calling knowing she was with Dana. And she still felt uneasy about the way they left things.

The phone stopped ringing and Dana sighed, relieved. "Do you want to call her back?" she asked lowly, staring down at the ground.

"Dana," Alice whispered, stepping toward Dana. "Dana, listen--"

"You can call her back," Dana repeated. "I'm not going to stop you and I know you want to."

Alice flinched. "Dana, it's not like that. I…" Alice trailed off. She had no idea what it was like. She wanted to talk to Helena. She wanted to just keep having fun with Dana. She wanted to be with Helena. She wanted to be with Dana. It's not like she loved one more than the other. She loved them both and it was killing her to do this, this balancing act. This one night at Helena's, one night at Dana's. Spontaneity was one of the perks of couplehood--you could decide on the spur of the moment to go see a movie, or go out to dinner or go see some band play. She used to be able to do those things with Dana as a couple, and with Helena as friends. Now she had to keep everything planned out so she paid them equal attention, so neither would feel neglected or forgotten. And she didn't mind it, really, because she really did love them both. But it wore her out. They both needed her tonight. They both needed her to be their girlfriend. They needed her to be available to them, solely to them, at least for the night, and she couldn't choose. If she called Helena, it would be like telling Dana that Helena mattered more. If she didn't call Helena, it would be like a rejection of Helena, who needed her, too. She didn't know what to do anymore.

Dana swallowed hard at the anguished, confused look on Alice's face. She bit her lip, her face trembling. As much as the situation hurt her, Dana knew it hurt Alice just as much. And she hated that. She wished it didn't have to hurt Alice, that Alice could just date the two of them and be nonchalant about it and just pick whoever she liked more, or whoever was more convenient, whatever. But that wasn't who Alice was as a person and one of the many reasons why Dana loved her so much. Alice couldn't stand hurting either of them--hurting anyone really, and this fucked up dating situation could go on indefinitely, and wear them all out, but Alice most of all.

Dana couldn't stand that thought, couldn't bear it because she felt she was the cause of all of it. And so Dana made a choice. She was going to end it, because she knew Alice couldn't. She would force Alice to make a choice, and she knew Alice might hate her for it, that it might push Alice into choosing Helena because the blonde hated to have her hand forced. But Dana couldn't take it. She could tolerate the situation longer--as long as she dated Alice, she was happy. But Alice wasn't happy, and Dana didn't want to draw it out. She didn't want to do it, didn't want to give Alice a reason to choose Helena, but she did want to give Alice a chance to be happy again. Alice could blame her and hate her for forcing her to make a choice. Alice could blame her if she wanted. But Alice couldn't go on like this. "Al," Dana said softly, "I'm sorry, baby," she said, her voice strangled, sounding as though the words were being forcibly drawn from her throat. "You're going to have to make a choice. Her or me. I don't think we can do this anymore."

Alice's eyes welled with tears. "You're giving me an ultimatum?"

"I'm sorry," Dana said, sobbing now. "You can't do this anymore. I can't do it. And I bet she can't either. It has to stop. You're just going to have to make a choice." Dana said, wiping angrily at her eyes, the tears falling so fast. "You have to choose. I'm making you," Dana whispered.

Alice wiped at her eyes. "You're making me?" she repeated incredulously. "You're fucking making me?" she said. "You--" Alice trailed off, swallowing hard. She had no idea what she was going to say. "Fuck this," Alice said angrily, wiping at her eyes again before she walked to the table to pick up her purse and then left Dana's condo.

Dana's shoulders jumped at the sound of the front door slamming hard. Alice just looked so hurt and so angry and Dana knew Alice didn't understand why she was doing this. But she had to do it. "I'm doing it for you," Dana whispered quietly.

---------------

Alice hated ultimatums. As the youngest member of the Pieszecki family, she spent years being pushed around by her family, and now that she was old enough to make her own decisions, she hated it when anyone tried to force her hand. She never expected Dana would ever give her an ultimatum. Dana wanted her to choose. Helena or Dana. Dana or Helena.

Alice knew the situation couldn't go on indefinitely. She hated it. Dana hated it. Helena hated it. They were all weary of it. But she wasn't ready to make a choice. It was too impossible.

And Helena's reaction to the ultimatum wasn't anything to scream about either. Alice went to Helena's house the day after Dana issued the ultimatum after spending the night at Michael's, believing Helena had a right to know. It was shitty ass timing, but she still thought Helena deserved to know. Helena was quiet and then all she fucking said was "do what makes you happiest. That's all I ever wanted for you," with that fucking blank-ass Peabody façade expression, like their relationship meant nothing to her, like it was nothing to fight for.

She hasn't called either of them in a week. She hasn't returned phone calls, text messages or emails. Her apartment was finished, and she moved back in. She didn't answer the door when they each dropped in once. It was cruel of her, and she knew it. But Alice has spent her entire life not wanting to be cruel to someone and it has always bitten her in the fucking ass for it. Now she wanted to be fucking selfish and think about herself. She wanted time away from both of them so she could think about it. How could she choose one over the other when she loved both of them so much? Her heart raced with anticipation anytime she was about to see either of them and now she was bitter and hurt and angry and confused because of both of them.

When she was with one, she felt like she was cheating on the other so that she could not fully enjoy her time with neither. She always knew she had to make a choice--there was no other alternative. But she was in love with two women at the same time, and they, in turn, were both in love with her. How could she choose between the two? They were both women she loved deeply, people whom she trusted more than anyone else in the world. She loved both of them, and she was sure whatever choice she made, it would be the forever choice. But that would mean she would lose the other one forever. She knew whoever she chose, she would be with that woman forever. For the first time in her life, when she had to make a choice between two appealing choices, she had every confidence it would work out all right for her. But did that mean it was the 'right' choice, and what about the other person? How could she just leave one behind, after everything she's shared with each of them?

Alice grew up reading fairy tales and grew up believing there was a 'one' for her. Of course, when she got older, she intellectually let go of the notion there was a 'one' and believed if she could find someone who was attractive and intelligent, who was good to her and faithful and touched something inside her, then that would be good enough, it would be just fine. She would be happy. But still, there was a part of her who believed there would only be one person. Not the one, but one person, which is why she was never the kind of girl who could date two people she felt deeply about. She could date around like anyone else, of course, but that was just dating. If serious feelings arose about a particular person, Alice could commit right away. But now she was in a position where she was in love with two people, two people who were everything she ever wanted, though they were so different from one another. And she couldn't. She couldn't choose.

They were both so beautiful and so good to her. Dana and Helena weren't particularly alike, though they both possessed a sincerity and determination Alice loved. She'd never felt closer to two people, never loved two people more. So how could she choose between them?

It was impossible.

The choice was suffocating her.

------------

Living with someone meant you got to know a person's moods, even if that person was your boss who was always professional around you. In all the time Lulu has worked for Helena, she has never heard Helena even raise her voice. Oh, Lulu knows Helena has, of course, because Helena had a shrew of an ex. So she knew Helena must raise her voice, but the point was, Helena was enough of a professional to keep Lulu out of it. All Lulu had to worry about was taking care of the kids when Helena wasn't home. That was all. And Lulu appreciated that.

That didn't mean, however, that Lulu has never seen Helena in a bad mood--because she has. But that was usually because of her ex. She's seen Helena angry and disappointed and PMSing.

But this was the first time Lulu has seen Helena surly and sullen. She had been for the past week and that concerned Lulu.

At the moment she was sitting in the passenger seat of Helena's car, sitting next to her employer driving north along the 405. Lulu went up to San Francisco for the weekend to attend the wedding of her high school best friend. Helena had been in a foul mood when Lulu left and she was in a foul mood now. Lulu's boyfriend was on a business trip to Cleveland and couldn't accompany her to the wedding or pick her up from the airport and at the moment, Lulu hated him for it, because she could not remember any time when she was so uncomfortable around Helena.

She'd been a little uncomfortable the first time she met Helena, of course, though her aunt, Helena's former housekeeper in New York, adored the British woman. Helena was so beautiful and perfect looking and just so fucking intimidating. Helena's make-up was perfect, her hair was perfect, her clothes were perfect--of course Lulu had been intimidated. But then Helena grinned, called the kids in to meet Lulu and Lulu has felt comfortable around Helena ever since.

Except now.

When Helena picked her up at the airport, Helena barely spoke to her, beyond greeting her hello and asking 'how are you?'. Normally Helena asked her if she had fun and would have made idle conversation about the wedding. But Helena didn't ask. She just drove silently along.

Lulu had an inkling of what happened. She's seen Helena unhappy before--it was right around Christmas when Alice wasn't coming around as much as before. At the time, Lulu had no idea what was going on because Alice seemed just as hurt as Helena, especially that day when Alice came over with presents only to find Helena had left town with the kids.

This time around, Alice wasn't coming by and Helena was unhappier than Lulu has ever seen her. And Lulu had to wonder if she misjudged Alice. She never liked Tina--it wasn't that she thought Tina was a gold digger. She just thought Tina was a user, and she disliked Tina for it. Lulu thought it was cruel to use someone, and she thought it was especially unforgivable to do it to Helena who was the best employer on the face of the planet. Plus, Lulu thought Tina was really boring. She'd once tried to have a conversation with Tina and if Tina weren't pregnant, Lulu would have thought Tina was stoned. Alice seemed different. The blonde was sincere and she was good to the kids. But now Lulu wondered if she'd misjudged her, because Helena's foul mood was clearly Alice-related. If it were anything else, Alice would still be coming over.

They stopped off at the co-op in Gramercy to pick up the kids.

Helena sighed exasperatedly when the children didn't come outside after she honked. She waited for a few minutes and then honked again. Still nothing. Helena clenched her teeth in frustration and rubbed the bridge of her nose. She could not tolerate a fight with Winnie right now.

Lulu touched her shoulder. "I'll go get them," she said softly, scrambling out the car and scurrying to the front door.

Helena watched as Lulu knocked and waited. Then Lulu rang the doorbell.

Helena hit the steering wheel in frustration, stopped the engine and got out of the car, stalking to the front door. She banged on the door. "Winnie!" she yelled.

There was no response.

Helena cursed under her breath and yanked her phone out of her purse and dialed. Nothing. She cursed again, ended the call and dialed another number. Winnie's mobile. It went straight to the voicemail. Helena looked as though she were ready to spit, but said nothing. This property was no longer hers--Peggy transferred the deed to fucking Winnie, but she still had a key. Helena jabbed the key in the lock and gave it a fierce twist as she opened the door and stepped inside.

Lulu followed after her.

"Oh my God," Lulu whispered.

The house was empty. No furniture, no art on walls, no knickknacks and certainly no children.

Helena just stared, her eyes wide, her mouth hanging open in a silent 'O', her breaths coming out in short, tiny panicked gasps.

Next--->