Dana was fairly certain Alice made a choice, and she was fairly sure the choice was not her. Since she issued her ultimatum, she has not heard from Alice in a little over a week, during which every hour of silence felt like a week. Dana took that as a sign. Helena probably took Alice on some fucking impromptu fancy ass European vacation for choosing her and now they were in Venice or Milan or some other fancy place and she was stuck in West Hollywood, California. It may be the third week of February, but it was still unusually cold for California and Dana took a strange kind of pleasure in that, as if nature were commiserating with her.

Dana was fairly sure Alice made her choice and she was sure it was not her, which was why she was so surprised to come home one day to find Alice sitting outside her condo, leaning her back against the front door, waiting for Dana to come home.

"Alice?"

Alice smiled nervously. "Hey, Dane," she said, standing up.

"Hi," Dana said, looking hopefully at Alice. She stepped forward to hug Alice and then stopped herself, stepping back hesitantly, unsure if she were still allowed to do that. "Let's go inside."

"Okay," Alice said softly, following Dana.

Once inside, they sat at the dining table in silence, facing each other for a few long moments until Alice finally spoke. "I wanted to apologize to you," Alice said quietly, playing restlessly with the straps of her purse which was placed in her lap. "For not calling or dropping in sooner. I wasn't ignoring you. I mean, I guess I was, but I didn't mean to do that." Alice sighed wearily. She really didn't mean to ignore either Dana or Helena, it was just that she needed to be alone for a while to sort things out, and it'd been over a week now and she still couldn't do it. "I just don't know what to do," she said bleakly.

Dana looked away and swallowed hard, nodding a little. "Oh."

"I've been thinking about this a lot," Alice said quietly, her head lowered. She looked up at Dana through her eyelashes. "I think about you a lot," Alice confessed softly.

Dana smiled weakly. "I think about you a lot, too," she said. Her stomach churned. She was so scared to have this conversation--she didn't want to hear Alice chose Helena. And at the moment, Alice's expression was unreadable, so Dana had no idea what she was going to hear. But that was something she was getting used to--since they got back together, Dana felt so out of touch with Alice, like she didn't really know the blonde anymore. She hated that feeling. But she was almost used to it, almost used to not knowing what Alice was feeling or thinking.

Alice placed her hand on the table and rested her chin on it, peering up at Dana. "I love you, you know," she said softly. "You were the first person I ever really loved."

"I know," Dana answered quietly, tears stinging her eyes. Alice said it often enough--the blonde was never ashamed to show her affection--hesitant, maybe, but ashamed?

Alice was never ashamed of loving who she loved.

Dana wished she could have done the same, could have declared how much she loved Alice, how she always loved Alice most and best, often enough to make Alice really believe it was true. But that wasn't who she was--she didn't always feel comfortable expressing emotion that way, especially when it came to the kind of love and need she felt for Alice. It wasn't in her nature to be either so demonstrative or expressive. And Alice used to understand that. But now Dana wished she had said it more often, told Alice constantly how much she loved her before they broke up rather than doing it constantly after they got back together. Dana knew how that must look to Alice. And she wished she could have done it more often because she knows now how much Alice needed to hear those things that were so hard for her to say. And once she said them, it wasn't so hard, so Dana had no idea what was stopping her before. All she knew now is that she wished she'd said them because maybe they wouldn't be where they are now. Maybe Alice would still have eyes for only her, and they would still be happy.

"I never felt that strongly about anyone until you." Alice paused. "It was different with you," Alice said wistfully, thinking of the days when it was so uncomplicated. Back then, there were several certainties in her life: she would always spend a small fortune at Victoria's Secret semi-annual clearance sale, she would vote Democrat in a presidential election and she was in love with Dana. It was so simple back then. Alice reached for Dana's hand with her free one. "You are very, very beautiful," Alice said sadly. "I love you so much, Dane. How could I ever let you go?"

"Alice," Dana whispered, wanting to say something, anything, but she had no words. She was finding that was the status quo of her life. She wanted to say something. She needed to say something, but she had no idea what to say or how to say it.

"I don't know what to do," Alice said again. Alice winced and pulled her hand away and stood up. "I don't know what to do," she repeated dejectedly. "Can you understand that? I can't stand the thought of hurting you. I can't stand the thought of hurting her. And no matter what I do, one of you will get hurt. And I hate it." Alice swallowed hard. "I'm sorry, Dane. I just…"Alice trailed off. It was just that she didn't know what to do. Alice raked her fingers through her hair, impatient and disgusted with herself. "I should go," Alice whispered. "I'm sorry, Dane. I'm sorry for bugging you like this. I don't know what else to tell you other than I don't know what to do. But…I know you've been waiting to--"

"I was waiting to hear from you," Dana admitted quietly, interjecting gently, instinctually taking Alice's hand and squeezing her fingers lightly, and then biting her lip, regretting it a little. It was just another reminder this could be one of the last times she got to touch Alice this way. If Alice chose Helena, that meant they couldn't do this anymore. No more conversations watching late-night television infomercials together, no more touching Alice this way. No more seeing Alice bleary-eyed, and messy-haired stumbling to the bathroom in the morning to put on her contacts because she thought glasses made her look dorky. No more to any of that. This could potentially be it. "But I can wait for you." Dana whispered. "I just want you to be happy, Al. No matter what happens, we'll be friends. It might be hard at first, but I swear to God, Al---" Dana's voice broke and she struggled for a few moments to regain control. "I love you so much, Al. And whatever happens, we'll be friends. It'll be hard, but we'll do it."

Alice appeared on the verge of tears. "I should go," she whispered abruptly. "I'll…call you later." She squeezed Dana's shoulder gently. "I love you Dana. I just…I should go."

"Bye, Alice," Dana said sadly, watching Alice walk away.

Dana generally tried to go with the flow. She was competitive, sure, or else she wouldn't have gone pro and tennis would just be a hobby she happened to be good at, but she wasn't a fighter. All her life, she generally just did what was expected of her, and she didn't mind so much because what was expected and demanded of her wasn't that bad or unreasonable. The only time she really went against the grain was when she came out to her parents--undoubtedly they had a hard time accepting it at first, but once they accepted it, it was no longer an issue. Fighting, trying so hard in any aspect of her life where she didn't hit a ball with her racket, wasn't some thing she was accustomed to.

But it was different with Alice. She would fight for Alice, try to hold onto her as much as the blonde would let her because more than anything else in life, Dana wanted Alice.

She wasn't stupid. She may not be super educated, learned or book-smart, but she wasn't stupid. She knew she and Alice had problems. She wasn't dense. She knew Alice didn't trust her the way Alice used to trust her. She knew Alice was still hurt about what she did. She knew they no longer had the closeness they once shared, that though Alice tried, a part of Alice just couldn't let herself trust Dana the way she used to before all that Lara and dating other people stuff. Alice couldn't sleep in the same bed with her anymore--that wasn't exactly a sign of hunky-doriness.

Dana knew they had a lot to work through, but she honestly believed if they could just work on it together, she could get Alice to trust her again. She could get Alice to start sleeping in the same bed, rather than pretending. If Alice chose her, Dana knew they would have their special inside jokes again, that they would have special restaurants and special television shows and special songs and special everythings because she would devote her life to making it special. If Alice chose her, Dana would never forget what that choice meant to Alice, what that choice cost her, and Dana would spend the rest of her life proving to Alice how much she loved her, how much she wanted to make their relationship special and good again.

There was still so much to do, so much to share with her and Dana felt like she was out of time.

Misguided expectations. Misguided expectations were partly what she blamed for their crumbling relationship---the one she was trying desperately to rebuild.

As much as she loved Alice, Dana knew Alice's expectations of her were too much, misguided.

Dana knew that when they first started dating, she was woefully inexperienced, and sometimes, she knew because of that inexperience, she often disappointed Alice, wasn't able to assuage Alice's insecurity or say or do the right things. And for her part, Dana knew she had misguided expectations as well. She mistakenly believed who Alice was as a friend was exactly who she was as a girlfriend. Then she had misguided expectations she would find what she was looking for in other people, in other relationships. And she'd been wrong. She had nothing to show for her 'experience.' She didn't love anyone else, realized what she had with Alice was what she wanted. And hell, she wasn't even that much more experienced.

She had the misguided expectation Alice would wait for her.

Dana always knew Alice was the one for her. But she was so scared at the thought of settling down with the first person she ever loved. Hell, Alice was practically her first adult relationship. Of course, there was Lara and Tonya, but in her mind, they didn't exactly count. For Dana, Alice was her first, and because Alice was her first, Dana felt unsettled. She felt unsettled about her desire to stay with Alice forever--everyone always said you weren't supposed to stay forever with your first. And so, Dana wanted to test the waters, so to speak.

She didn't know why she took Alice for granted. She didn't know why she assumed or expected Alice to wait for her while she pulled her head together, but she did.

But Alice moved on. Alice didn't do it consciously, but she did. At some point during their break-up, Alice unknowingly moved onto Helena. Dana could see how much Alice loved Helena long before Alice could. It was the way Alice looked at Helena or talked about her. It was in the way Alice spoke to Helena over the phone or lit up whenever Helena called or entered a room--and this was before Alice and Helena ever got together romantically. When she and Alice got back together, Dana knew that a piece of Alice was with someone else.

And now they were left with fragments. They were both trying to put things back together, move toward some sense of wholeness, and to a certain degree, it was working. Alice was sharing things with her again, laughing with her, telling her dirty jokes she head at the radio station or at the magazine. Alice was making her CDs, surprising her with little gifts for no particular reason, just like before when they were happy, when Alice only had eyes for her.

They were finally moving toward wholeness, and it hurt so much to realize that maybe it would mean nothing because it was possible Alice just loved and trusted Helena Peabody more.

Dana sat at the table, her chin resting in the trench her palm.

She hated herself for issuing the ultimatum, but she knew it was the right thing to do. It was only a matter of time. Eventually, she would have been tired of waiting for Alice to make a choice. Or maybe her heart would have just given out. Either way, Dana felt she did the right thing.

She thought she could have held on almost indefinitely because she'd rather remain in limbo than be the one not chosen, but Dana realized it wasn't true.

How many times did she lay awake at night, alone, wondering 'how much longer can I do this?' No, she couldn't have held on for much longer, no matter how much the thought of being left was unbearable. For a long time Dana tried to tell herself she and Alice would be together in the end, that Alice would just realize she only loved Helena as a friend. But she could no longer fool herself into believing that. Dana used to think she could hold out until Alice came to that realization, but Dana knew now it wasn't possible. Alice really did love Helena as more than a friend--loved her deeply and so Dana couldn't have held out indefinitely, couldn't have held out until Alice realized Helena was just a good friend, because it wasn't going to happen that way.

Dana was fairly sure Helena couldn't have held on for much longer either and Dana could tell Alice was very near the end of her tether. Alice was already wearing out for the situation, already falling apart. She was barely holding on. So yes, Dana definitely felt she'd done the right thing.

It's just that she kind of regretted that she did. But she supposed there were things you regretted doing, but you really couldn't be sorry you did it.

----------

When Alice pulled up to Helena's house, she found it a little odd the house was completely dark. It was a Monday night which meant they would just be finishing up dinner, or maybe Helena was already on checking the kids' homework. But there was none of that. The house was dark and that was a little strange. She called Helena's cell phone, and it rang four times before going to voicemail. Okay. She could kind of understand it if Helena were ignoring her--she wouldn't blame Helena at all for that. But ignoring someone wasn't Helena's way, the British woman was too straight-forward and Alice was feeling a little uneasy about the whole thing anyway, so she let herself into the house with her key.

Maybe everyone was sleeping. It wasn't likely-- it was before eight pm, but it was a possibility.

Alice walked to Helena's bedroom. The door was open. No Helena.

Alice walked down to the children's bedrooms, also open, also empty.

Finally, she walked to Lulu's room and again, the door was open, the bedroom was empty. Alice walked around in the empty house, wondering what the hell was going on. She called Helena again, only to ring several times before once again going to voicemail. Alice paced the house, disconcerted, wondering what she should do. It was probably nothing, but it worried her. It just felt weird. She continued to pace the house, hoping everyone would come into the house at any minute eating ice cream cones or something.

She waited around, pacing the house and running to the window or the door any time she heard a passing car, but she was always disappointed. No Helena, no children.

And then Alice remembered Lulu's cell phone number was taped to the refrigerator in case of an emergency. Maybe this wasn't an emergency, but Alice thought Lulu could likely shed some light on what the hell was going on. So she ran to the kitchen and nearly sighed with relief when she saw the phone number was there, she hadn't just imagined it would be there or something.

She dialed and it rang a few times. Alice tapped her foot impatiently. 'Answer, answer, answer,' she chanted silently. 'Pick up, Lulu. Come on!' Fucking Lulu, she always took forever to answer the phone, whenever they ate breakfast or dinner and Lulu's cell phone rang it always took forever for Lulu to find it and pick up. 'Fucking Lulu!' Alice thought.

And then Lulu answered and Alice sighed with relief.

"Hello?" Lulu asked, sounding tired.

"Lulu?" Alice not, not sure if the person who answered the phone was, in fact, Lulu.

There was a pause and then Lulu spoke again. "Alice?" she asked, her tone strangely cool.

"Yeah," Alice said, ignoring that the temperature of Lulu's tone dropped several degrees. "Lulu? What the hell is going on? I'm over at the house and no one is here. Where are you guys?"

There was another pause and then Lulu's voice was hurried, anxious. "You won't believe what happened," Lulu breathed. "Helena and I went to pick up the kids yesterday and Winnie and the kids were gone."

"What?" Alice demanded. "What do you mean they were gone?"

"They were fucking gone!" Lulu exclaimed, forgetting the fact she was mad at Alice because she believed the blonde was the reason for Helena's unhappiness before Helena discovered Winnie had spirited the children away to New York. Lulu knew she wasn't particularly experienced or worldly. She grew up in a suburb of Minneapolis, her parents were working-class and still together, and she still went to church every Sunday. So Lulu knew she was a little sheltered. But she could not remember a time more terrifying than finding the co-op empty, the children gone and no way to reach Winnie because her cell phone was off. There was no note, nothing to indicate what happened. It was, by far, the most terrifying two hours of her life as she watched Helena with her cell phone attached to her ear, running around the house frantically, in tears, screaming at people to figure out what happened. "But we made some calls and it turned out Winnie brought them to New York," Lulu said. "She sold the fucking Gramercy co-op and took the kids. Once we found out where the kids were, we just went straight to the airport."

They'd just got back into Helena's car and drove straight back to the airport.

Helena drove in silence, clenching the steering wheel so tightly, her knuckles turned white, her face trembling. When they pulled into the terminal, Helena turned toward her. "I'll get out here," Helena whispered. "You can take the car back."

"I'm going with you," Lulu said firmly.

Helena looked as though she were going to protest, but then she stopped, too weary and anxious to argue. She'd already passed the parking structure so she circled the terminal again and then parked. She and Lulu got out, bought their tickets and then were on an airplane.

There was a car already waiting for them when they arrived in New York. Helena looked lost as to their destination and so Lulu took over, gently directing the driver to her aunt's apartment in Queens. Her aunt met them at the door, and ushered them in, initially chiding them for their weather-inappropriate clothing, stating they would catch their deaths. Once she was informed of the situation, they then set to work.

"Is she with you? Can I talk to her?" Alice whispered.

"She's not with me."

Alice shut her eyes. So that meant Helena was probably alone. She hated this, hated that she wasn't with Helena when she went to pick up the children, hated that she wasn't with Helena now. She should be. 'Fuck,' Alice thought guiltily, wondering if Helena would have come to her if she hadn't ignored Helena for over a week. At the time, it just felt like something she needed to do for herself, get some space and some distance to think. But she was nowhere closer to a decision and now she felt incredibly selfish. "What's going on now?" Alice whispered.

"Helena found out where Winnie is staying." Lulu snorted derisively. "She hooked up with some philanthropist chick," Lulu said, making verbal air quotes around the word 'philanthropist.' Lulu snorted in disgust. It's not that she hated rich people--her boss was rich and she adored Helena. But she thought 'philanthropist' was often just a euphemism for 'bored, jobless rich person,' and she thought those people sucked. "But we haven't found the kids yet," Lulu whispered. "She's trying to get the kids back, but they don't seem to be at that chick's penthouse."

Alice squeezed the bridge of her nose. "How is she?" Alice whispered, though she knew it was a ridiculous question. Helena was probably falling apart.

"Not good," Lulu admitted quietly. "We're looking for the kids, my aunt and I are going to all the people Helena knows out here or calling them. It turns out Helena met that philanthropist chick once at some charity thing and now Helena's going around to all the people that chick knows because she thinks someone might know something. That's why she's not with me."

Alice swallowed hard. "Did she call the police?"

"My aunt called them," Lulu said somberly. "Helena's sort of…I think she's trying to get them back on her own. I don't think she even thought about calling the police. I don't think she wants to believe Winnie's, like, kidnapped them. The people she called were neighbors and people who know Winnie. That's how she found out Winnie came out here. We came out here last night and she just started going around to all the people she used to know. We had to drag her home and then we came up with the plan to go around to everyone who might know something."

"What did the police say?" Alice whispered.

"I don't know," Lulu admitted. "My aunt talked to them, but she seemed pissed at them. I got the impression they can't do anything because of the joint-custody agreement, but I don't know shit. I mean, I'm sure there are fucking rules about this shit, I just know jack."

"Where are you guys?" Alice asked.

"We're staying with my aunt."

"What's the address?" Alice asked. "I'll be there soon."

Lulu told her the address and Alice wrote it down and ran back to Helena's room. She kept clothes in Helena's closet, maybe she wouldn't have to go back to her apartment and waste time. She would go straight to the airport. She grabbed a sweater and a coat from the closet, because she remembered what February in New York was like and she knew she needed layers. She didn't want to waste any time once she landed. Without bothering to pack anything, or taking anything else other than a coat and her purse, Alice ran to her car to drive to the airport.

As she drove, she called Dana to explain she had to leave town unexpectedly, but Dana didn't answer and she didn't want to bother leaving a message. There was too much to explain. She hated leaving lengthy messages and Dana hated hearing them anyway. So, she called Shane instead, informing her she had to leave town right away, and she had no idea when she would be back, but to let everyone know she was okay in case anyone cared enough to ask.

By the time she landed, Lulu was there to pick her up.

"Hey," Alice said anxiously. "What's going on? Did anything else happen?" Alice looked around for Helena, but could see her nowhere.

Lulu winced. "Helena hasn't come back yet."

"What?" Alice yelped. "It's 4am! Did you try calling her?"

Lulu looked insulted. "Of course I tried! She's not picking up. My aunt's going crazy." She didn't know why Helena wasn't picking up her phone anymore. They agreed to be in constant contact in case one of them found the kids first but Helena just stopped answering her phone and Lulu thought that couldn't be a good thing.

"Sorry," Alice muttered apologetically. It was a stupid question to ask, but she wasn't thinking about what questions were too stupid to ask. Jesus, first Winnie takes the kids to New York and now Helena was MIA. She was going to punch Winnie in her smug face, square in her hateful, smug mouth, she really was. She doesn't even know Winnie, but Alice can't remember ever hating anyone more than Helena's ex.

Alice dug her phone out of her purse and tried calling Helena, but there was no answer. "Helena, it's Alice. I'm here. Just call me, okay? Just call someone," Alice said, leaving a message, hoping she would hear from Helena soon. She tried to imagine what Helena was doing at the moment, what she was thinking or feeling, but it pained her to think about it. She knew Helena was likely terrified at the moment, and all Alice could was that Helena was alone.

'Jesus,' Alice thought, looking at Lulu as the girl drove to her aunt's apartment. 'Now what?'

----------------

Helena sat slumped in a rental car, leaning her head against the window, worn out. She sat there, unable to move, unable to think. She had no idea what to do, so she simply sat there, afraid to do anything. She knew her mother transferring the deed to the house to Winnie would one day cause her grief. But she had no idea it would be like this, she had no idea Winnie would ever do something like this. She'd loved Winnie so much for so long, she supposed she may have turned
a blind eye to what Winnie was really like, because every time Winnie did or said something cruel to her, it still took her a little by surprise even now that she was becoming accustomed to it.

She wondered how she could have been so blind.

Alice called her several more times, but Helena ignored the phone calls. She didn't have the energy to pick up, couldn't imagine telling Alice about the situation. She was just too tired, too tired to tell another person about the situation and Alice was in Los Angeles anyway, what was the point in involving her? Alice was likely only calling to tell her she'd chosen Dana--Alice's silence over the past week seemed to be a sure indication of that. If she told Alice about what was going on now, Alice would feel obligated to help, perhaps out of pity and regret for choosing Dana over her and Helena wanted none of that. Besides, why involve Alice? Why burden someone who didn't have to be burdened, Wilson and Jun Ying were her children and Winnie was her ex, and this issue was between her and Winnie.

She was too weary to spare the details from the people she was begging help from. Normally, she would have kept it to herself, made up some story as to why she wouldn't know the whereabouts of her ex and her children, but she was too tired to make up some story and just told the truth. Now she was just sitting in her car, doing nothing. Her children were gone, Alice had clearly chosen Dana and now she was alone, all her worst fears come true.

Alice.

Helena sorely regretted their last few interactions. She regretted the way she told Alice to simply do what made her happiest--she didn't regret saying it, she regretted how she said it, the tone making Alice flinch. And then that night…Helena swallowed hard. Just the thought of it made her want to burst into tears.

She hated the first and only, and in all probability, the last time she made love with Alice, was so much less than what she wanted for them. Helena snorted. 'Made love.' It was a cop-out, and Helena knew it. She hated that term anyway, 'made love'-- it was cheesy. And even if she didn't hate it, she knew she was sugar-coating the experience by calling it 'making love'. It was just fucking. Alice may have tried to turn the experience into love-making, but Helena didn't let her.

Helena flinched at the memory of how roughly she touched Alice, how roughly she made Alice touch her. There was no gentleness or love, just fucking to achieve some temporary sense of oblivion. And after it was over, she still felt alone and miserable and worse still, she treated Alice terribly. She was so ashamed of her behavior, ashamed of losing control and turning a experience that should have been wonderful into something so much less than what Alice deserved.

She wished she could have been gentle, proven to Alice she was capable of it.

She rubbed her stomach.

If only she'd been gentle… she wished she could take it back. She wished she could have been different, shown Alice how much she really loved the blonde through her touch. But she didn't. She'd been selfish and desperate and hurt and she used Alice to try to forget all that. She flinched at the memory. She didn't know why she did what she did, the way she tried to force Alice to hurt her. She was still so horrified and ashamed of herself for it. No matter how much Alice told her it was okay, Helena doubted she could ever forgive herself for it, especially considering it would be the only time she would ever get to touch Alice that way.

When she was nineteen, she'd gone on her first date with Winnie.

Winnie came home with her, followed her up to her loft apartment after a date Helena thought had gone so well. Helena gave Winnie a tour of her apartment, proudly showed off the kitchen which she loved and then Winnie pushed her against the refrigerator and kissed her.

Then they maneuvered their way to the bed.

Winnie had been rougher than Helena expected, more than she was prepared for. She'd wanted to tell Winnie to stop, or to ask if they could slow down, but Winnie was older, more experienced and Helena had only been with one other woman at that point--the girl she dated in high school.

She was afraid Winnie would see her for the inexperienced girl she was, she didn't want to turn Winnie off somehow. And she thought maybe that was just the way it was. After all, she'd only been with one other person, and that was in high school, so what did she have to compare to? Nothing. But as the night went on, Winnie became progressively rougher, and more aggressive, her hands and movements harsh. And then at one point, Helena felt Winnie curl her fingers, felt Winnie's knuckles pass through. She bit down on her lip, to keep from crying out and split her lip. It hurt. It hurt so much. She patted Winnie's shoulders, trying to catch Winnie's attention, not wanting to be some self-indulgent, whiny little baby. "Stop," she'd gasped out. "Stop. It hurts."

But Winnie didn't stop and Helena tried to squirm away, pushed at Winnie's shoulders, pleaded with Winnie to stop, told her it hurt. But Winnie didn't stop, didn't seem to be hearing her or care, and finally, Helena simply gave in. Just gritted her teeth and tried not to think too much about it. And when it was over, Winnie behaved as though nothing were wrong. And Helena was left wondering if she were just blowing things out of proportion, over-dramatizing.

She felt sore as Winnie dressed to leave. She wanted to ask her to stay, but Winnie just kissed her on the mouth and said they would see each other tomorrow and told Helena there would be a pop-quiz in class. And then she left, leaving Helena feeling as though there was something wrong with her for not being able to enjoy something Winnie clearly had, feeling like some naïve, inexperienced kid compared to Winnie. She spent the night feeling as though something were fundamentally wrong with her, and she should be glad Winnie who was…oh, so dynamic in class and so convincing and could make a subject she found so fucking intolerably dry come alive, was paying any attention to her at all. And when she went into class the next day, she passed by Winnie, who was talking to another student, as she took her seat. Helena didn't want to interrupt, didn't even want to say 'hi,' and risk Winnie interrupting the conversation to say 'hi' back, because she knew that could possibly make Winnie angry, so she simply gave a small, hesitant wave, smiling tremulously, hoping for some indication Winnie were still interested. .

Winnie ignored her.

There was a pop quiz in class, and when Winnie passed out the sheets of paper, Helena was seated in the front row and tried to catch Winnie's attention, but Winnie continued to ignore her.

And after class, Helena walked past the front of the classroom where her professor and Winnie were talking and decided she would wait for Winnie outside. As the TA, Winnie usually spoke to the professor for a few minutes after class, but then they typically went their separate ways. Most days the class met, Helena walked Winnie back to her office because Winnie held office hours directly after class before going off to her next class. It was strange, really, now that it was ten years later, she couldn't remember what class she went to next, only that there was a class and she was consistently late for it, but she still remembered Winnie's old office number--4712. That day, Helena waited for ten minutes outside the classroom, and when the professor and Winnie finally emerged, Winnie didn't even look at her as she and the professor walked down the hallway together, talking about the class lecture and how they should grade the upcoming final.

Later that night, she was studying in her apartment, trying not to think about Winnie, thinking for sure she'd fucked everything up, that she was terrible in bed and Winnie would never want to see her again and that just felt like the end of the world. Then Winnie dropped by her apartment and Helena had been so relieved to see her, though she was afraid Winnie would tell her they couldn't see each other anymore because Helena was too deficient somehow.

Winnie chided her for her behavior, reminded her that they had to keep their relationship discreet, that it may be nearing the end of the term, but it wasn't the end yet. Winnie was still her TA and that required a little discretion, and she pointed out Helena's behavior was anything but discreet. Helena was chagrined and apologized and said it wouldn't happen again, relieved Winnie didn't seem too angry and was visiting her without being asked. She was just relieved and grateful Winnie wanted to continue seeing her.

And then Winnie kissed her again, this time, shoving her against a wall, before pushing Helena down onto to bed. And once again, it was rougher than expected and hurt a little bit--she was still sore from the night before. And over time, the sex improved to the point where she could actually enjoy it, or at least it didn't hurt. But Winnie was never gentle with her, and she'd simply accepted it as the way things were. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she did feel that maybe it was rougher and hurt more than it should, but Helena simply accepted it as the way things were. After all, until she was nearly thirty, she'd had sex with only two people in her entire life and Winnie was the only person she'd been with as an adult. She just came to accept it as normal, and even if it weren't normal, it was the status quo for their relationship and as long as she had Winnie, Helena was content and happy. Until the day Winnie came to her office and abruptly announced she was leaving her, that she'd never loved her anyway and Helena was far too deficient in every way to ever love. Helena never even saw it coming.

It was only after Winnie announced she never loved her any way and then flung all her infidelities in Helena's face that Helena realized Winnie despised her, and that every time she thought they were making love, Winnie was just punishing her, hating her. Helena couldn't think of sex as love-making anymore. It was some adolescent idealism she had, and she thought the term was stupid anyway. She never 'made love' with Winnie, it was all just fucking.

Apparently, Winnie could be gentle--that much Helena found out from Winnie's taunts as she told Helena about all the women she'd been with prior, during and after their relationship. How Helena had never measured up. Winnie was capable of being gentle--it was only that she didn't care enough about Helena to be gentle.

Helena realized she's never 'made love' with anyone, not even Alice. 'Made love,' Helena thought mockingly. God, she'd been so stupid and naïve with Winnie and stupid and cruel with Alice and she hated herself for all of it.

Helena clenched her jaw and winced, thinking she'd tried to turn Alice into Winnie that night. The thought made her feel sick, that in her first and only time with Alice, she'd tried to turn Alice into Winnie. Alice always treated her with kindness--Alice was so good to her, was her only friend. Alice was the one person outside her family who told her 'I love you' and meant it. Winnie stayed with her for ten years, used her for her money and status, manipulated her and never loved her at all, not once. And used sex to punish her. It made Helena feel sick she ever tried to turn Alice into Winnie in that way. Alice couldn't even do it--and the memory of that night made Helena flinch as Alice cried, whispered she couldn't do it, cried that she couldn't hurt Helena like that. Alice was so good to her and Helena felt so much choking regret for not reciprocating that goodness. She wanted their first time to be so special, and it was her fault it wasn't, it was her fault they were both in tears when it was over.

After Winnie left her, she tried to tell herself sex meant nothing. It just felt good, two bodies sweating, writhing and nothing more, really. But she couldn't quite convince herself.

And then she tried to control it, because she'd never been in control with Winnie and she swore to herself she would never been dominated or pushed into something she didn't want to do--but she didn't have to be in control, necessarily. She just wanted to be able to tell someone to stop without feeling like she did something wrong.

Maybe she was trying to be in control.

Maybe Tina had been right about that, maybe she always had to be the one in control. Helena hated to think about the possibility Tina was right.

It's not that she had to control everything--she couldn't stand the idea she'd ever made anyone feel the way Winnie made her feel sometimes, like she had no control, no say. But Tina's words haunted her. Maybe Tina was right, why else would all her relationships be so fucked up.

Tina scared her that night she went to Tina's apartment to pick her up to go to dinner. Tina had been gentle with her--it was one of the reasons she found Tina so attractive. Tina was gentle and she loved children and that appealed to her. But Tina had been so rough, so insistent that night. Sexually aggressive and pushy, shoving her against walls, pushing her into chairs, crowding her, not letting her move, her hands rough and demanding, pushing into her, gripping her arm hard and ferociously, just like Winnie. It'd frightened her.

Tina told her she couldn't enjoy sex, had no interest in it unless there was risk involved, or someone was watching or unless she was in control. Helena thought about all the people she'd been with, the relationships, the one-night stands in between the relationships, the way she tried to turn a few nights with her psychiatrist into a relationship and she had to wonder about herself.

Maybe Tina wasn't wrong.

Helena wished she could have made things different with Alice because Alice was different. Alice was sweet to her, tried to be gentle, refused to hurt her even when she begged for it. Helena snorted derisively. She could only imagine what would have happened if she'd ever begged that way with Winnie. Alice asked her if she was sure, if she was okay. No one had ever cared enough to ask and Helena had grown used to it, resigned herself to the fact no one ever would. But Alice cared, cared enough to ask, cared enough to be gentle and to refuse what Helena demanded of her. And what did she do? She turned the first and only time they would ever be together in that way into a pity party for herself, tried to use Alice to erase everything she was feeling, to block it out. Alice tried to be good to her, and Helena wouldn't let her.

Alice was the one person outside her family to treat her with such kindness and Helena twisted it. She wished it could have been different and cursed herself for making it the same as with all the others. She'd been so determined to be good to Alice, to make every moment special because she truly did cherish the moments she spent with Alice. But somehow she just twisted everything, and Helena realized that was just the pattern of her life. Everything good in her life always twisted into something ugly. She didn't want to think about those things, she wanted to concentrate on getting her children--she was determined to get them back. She would not leave New York City without her children. She would take them back to Los Angeles, and life would go back to the way it was. She would go back to work, derive pleasure in the company of her children, in books, in music, in that stupid fucking soap opera she loved watching with Alice so much. It would all return to normal, go back to the way things were before Alice Pieszecki ever came into her life. The thought made her sad, feel even lonelier, but that wasn't a new feeling for her. She was used to it. And a part of her had been preparing for that all along.

Oh, Alice wouldn't leave her completely, of course. They would still be friends and though it would be hard, Helena wanted to remain friends. But would never be the same again. It was hard to accept--that Alice would no longer look at her the same way, that all the romantic feelings Alice had for her would one day just disappear because the blonde would have Dana while she would be stuck with her feelings for Alice forever. Helena knew she held on too hard to people. It was hard to think about, but the time she spent with Alice was precious to her. Alice opened up her world made her forget certain things she wanted to forget. When she was with Winnie, she would occasionally feel these pangs, like some part of her was empty or she would long for something she couldn't define. Helena supposed that couldn't have made Winnie happy, even if the woman had ever been willing to love her, so in retrospect, she didn't blame Winnie for never loving her, never wanting her. And then she met Alice, and at first, Helena thought it was friendship--she'd never had such a friend before. But then she realized it was more than that, Alice touched something in her, some part of her that she never knew even existed and for the first time in her life, she felt whole. Maybe it was too much pressure to put on one person, maybe she should feel like a whole and complete person on her own, but that was just the way it was. Alice made her feel whole.

It would be difficult to let that go even though she knew Alice would be happy. She was glad for it, glad that Alice would be happy. And Helena knew she would have to be satisfied with only Alice's friendship, but Helena knew it would be very difficult to let her go.

She felt so stupid. She'd been so stupid her entire life, chasing after dreams that would never come true, wanting affection and approval from people who would never give it to her. And then she finally met someone who gave her affection and approval so willingly and she'd treated her so horribly. Helena blinked away tears. She didn't think she could cry so much.

Her phone rang again and Helena looked at it. It was Lulu again. She let it go to voicemail. Once she heard the beep of a new message she dialed into her voicemail box, skipped through Alice's messages and went straight to Lulu's new message. It was nothing new. Just another message from Lulu asking her to call her, to come back to the apartment. Nothing about finding the children. It was nothing she wanted to hear.

Helena started the car again and looked at the list she made of Winnie's new girlfriend's friends. They moved in similar social circles and Helena had no qualms of dropping in at five am, if they could shed light on what the hell Winnie was doing.

She would not stop until she had her children back.

-----------------

If something didn't happen soon, Alice was fairly sure she was going to punch someone in the face. The kids were still missing, no one had any idea where Winnie and her new girlfriend were, and Helena was gone. Alice seethed with rage, hating that all she could do was make some phone calls, talk to a few people. Her fists clenched with helpless anger as more than a few people dismissed it as 'dyke drama.' Alice hated the world, and she hated people.

It was early Tuesday night--Helena had been out of touch for over 36 hours. Alice alternated between being worried about the children, being worried about Helena, being angry at Helena for clearly trying to do everything on her own and really sad Helena obviously believed she was on her own. As soon as she saw Helena again, she was going to give her an earful. She was planning on what she would say. First, she would ask the children to cover their ears and then she would stick her index finger in Helena's face and she would give Helena a piece of her mind.

Alice sighed. She didn't blame Helena for not calling back--it was a stressful situation and Helena was only trying to do the best she could. But Alice still hated this, hated being out of touch with Helena, hated wondering if Helena was falling apart right about now, or if she was still holding onto some shred of control. She hated she couldn't be with Helena, she hated that she'd ignored Helena for over a week so that she'd missed something this important. If she hadn't decided to go over to Helena's that night, it was likely she would have never known about this, possible Helena would never tell her about it.

Dana was right. It was time to make a choice. None of them could go on like this--she was missing everything important. It wasn't good for Helena, it wasn't good for Dana. If she kept doing what she was doing, she would hurt everyone involved, herself included. This was the consequence of her meandering--not being available to someone who needed her.

It couldn't happen again.

They were just waiting around now in Lulu's aunt's apartment. The police were looking for the children and Alice felt useless.

Lulu's cell phone rang and Alice turned to her anxiously, sighing with exasperation as Lulu fumbled through her very crowded purse before overturning her purse onto the sofa cushions, the cell phone tumbling out. Lulu grabbed her cell phone, glanced at the caller ID and turned to Alice, shaking her head.

"Damn," Alice cursed. Where the hell was Helena?

"Hi, honey," Lulu said softly. "Yeah…I know. Sorry. It's just been kind of crazy. How was your flight?" Lulu paused. "Yeah? Good."

Alice looked at her enviously though she tried not to be jealous. At least someone was in contact with the person she loved.

"The wedding was good," Lulu said quietly. "Hon? I can't really talk to you right now. Can we talk later?" Lulu sighed with frustration. "No, Jacob Matthew. I am not still mad at you for not coming with me to the wedding. I danced all night with Mary's brother--the gay one and it was an open bar. It was perfect. You know how happy I am when there's an open bar." Alice and Lulu exchanged a glance and for a moment, they were just two women commiserating about a boyfriend's insecurity. "No, you can't come over," Lulu said softly. There was another pause and Lulu sighed again. I'm not mad at you," Lulu said quietly. "I'm not there right now. I'm in New York. You would not believe what Helena's crazy cunt of an ex did."

Alice winced. Hearing the details again just made everything seem more real and she was still waiting to wake up from this dream.

Lulu talked a little longer with her boyfriend and then hung up, exchanging a look with Alice.

"He wanted to come out here?" Alice asked softly.

Lulu smiled. "He likes Helena. She feeds him. She gives me food to take to him when I go to his place on Friday nights. And you know what a good cook she is." Lulu chuckled. "I think he has a crush on her, and he thinks the kids are a trip. But he has a really important meeting tomorrow at work, because he just came back from a business trip. So I told him not to come."

Alice smiled back. "Yeah," she said softly. Alice wished Helena could know there were people who genuinely did care about her, rather than feeling as though she had no one.

"Anyway. He said his meeting is at 9am, and he'd call after it was over. If Helena doesn't have the kids back by then, he said he'd come out here."

"That's nice of him," Alice commented. She couldn't stand the smile on Lulu's face. Despite the situation, it was easy to see how much Lulu loved her boyfriend at the moment. Such an obvious display of happy couple-hood, even when one half of said couple was 3000 miles away was too much for her, made her too envious and unhappy when she didn't even know where Helena was.

Someone knocked on the door and Alice leaped to her feet, running to the door and flinging it open, thinking for sure it would be Helena, but it wasn't.

Alice blinked. "Dana?"

That was unexpected.

Dana smiled hesitantly at her. "Hi," she said softly.

Alice stared at her for a moment and then pulled Dana inside, realizing Dana must be freezing. "Dana, what are you doing here? How did you--"

Dana was relieved when she stepped into the very warm apartment. She had no idea how people lived in places so cold. "Shane called last night and told me what happened and that you came out here. So I called the Peabody Foundation this morning and Helena's secretary said you called to explain why Helena wasn't at work and they told me who you were staying with. So I looked her up and…" Dana shrugged. The rest was history. Dana sighed. "You love her, and you love her kids. You're still my best friend, you know." Whatever happened between the three of them was not important for now. Dana thought Alice might need a friend, and well, she was a friend.

Alice stared at Dana, touched. "Dana," she whispered.

Dana smiled wryly at her. "You okay?" she asked tenderly, hugging Alice.

Alice exhaled slowly. "Yeah," she breathed, closing her eyes and burying her face into Dana's shoulder. She clung to Dana for a moment, as Dana petted her hair and then pulled away, taking Dana by the hand, wincing at the suspicious look on Lulu's face.

"Lulu, this is Dana, my--" Alice trailed off. What was she now? Girlfriend? Friend? She didn't know. "This is Dana," she said weakly.

Lulu stood and shook Dana's hand. "You look familiar," Lulu commented.

"Dana's--" Alice started to explain that Dana was a professional tennis player but Lulu looked away disinterestedly.

Lulu glanced at her watch. "I should go wake my aunt. You know she said to wake her up in fifteen minutes," Lulu walked away to her aunt's bedroom.

"She seems nice," Dana said hesitantly.

"Lulu's Helena's babysitter. This is Lulu's aunt's place."

"Oh," Dana said quietly. "So you okay?"

"Yeah."

Dana glanced around. "Where's Helena?"

Alice winced. "I'm not sure. She's going around to everyone she knows, trying to figure out what happened. Winnie's dating this woman, but no one's there at her place."

"Jesus, Al," Dana commented.

Alice rubbed her face. "I know."

Dana smiled at the tank-top Alice was wearing. A very faded grey tank top with spaghetti straps and a print that read 'Asthma is Sexy.' "I don't think that's yours, right?" Dana asked, fingering the material. Maybe it was. It looked old. But she'd never seen Alice wear it.

Alice smiled. "It's Lulu's. She used lived here for a summer in high school and I guess her aunt kept some of her stuff. It's a good thing she did," Alice said wryly. She arrived with no luggage, Lulu arrived with no luggage and they would have been shit out of luck if not for the fact Lulu's aunt kept some of Lulu's forgotten clothing.

Dana took off her coat and held it awkwardly. Now that she was here, she had no idea what to do. She felt out of place, and perhaps she should not have come, but the decision to come to New York City was an impetuous one. She just did it. And even after she gave it some thought, Dana believed she would have done it again, even if she'd sat down to make a pro-and-con list and planned out all her options, she still would have come. If she and Alice were simply best friends without romantic history or tension between them and Alice was dating a woman whom she loved whose children were essentially kidnapped by an insane ex, Dana knew she would not hesitate to follow Alice to New York. Dana still considered Helena to be her rival which made the situation so much more awkward, but Dana refused to not do the things she would do for Alice if they were just friends. It may feel awkward, but there was no place else Dana wanted to be, because when you stripped away all the awkwardness and resentment this strange dating situation has caused, what Dana was left with was the unshakeable certainty she loved Alice.

By the time Lulu walked into the living room with her aunt, Dana and Alice were sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the television set. Lulu and her aunt sat down, introductions were made and they stared at the television in silence.

Lulu stood up abruptly. "I'm going to try calling Helena again."
-----------

Helena was exhausted. She could not remember a time when she was more tired. She was completely worn out. Helena glanced into the rearview mirror to look at her children who were sleeping in the backseat and exhaled shakily. She had them back, and that was all the mattered.

She'd been so angry, just thirty minutes earlier, so enraged.

She'd screamed at Winnie, wanted to beat her senseless and just barely restrained herself against fulfilling that urge. She screamed at Winnie so hard, her children were frightened of her, their eyes wide and solemn. She couldn't stand that they looked at her that way.

But now she was weary and worn out and barely had enough energy to drive.

She hated Winnie. She loathed Winnie. She wished she would have slapped Winnie, slapped that smug, superior smile off her face. The one that clearly proved who won this round.

She hated Winnie. Hated that superior, condescending tone. Hated that smile. Hated that lying, hateful mouth. The one that told her she loved her for nearly ten years and told a lie every time. She hated Winnie Mann. "It was just a vacation, Helena," Winnie said dismissively, her tone mocking. "We took them skiing to that resort you like so much in Vermont." And then Winnie looked at the children, who were staring wide-eyed at Helena, "didn't you have fun, kids?"

Helena snorted, her lips curling into a sneer as she thought back to her confrontation with her ex.

She'd been driving around aimlessly, trying to think about what she could do, some other action she could take when she received a call from a 212 area code phone number. It wasn't Sue, her former housekeeper, or Lulu or Alice, so she answered it. The caller was Scott Milne who was the CEO of Passages, a non-profit organization she'd worked with on several projects. He lived across the street from Katherine Aberdeen, a philanthropist, who happened to be Winnie's new girlfriend. He happened to glance out the window as he walked past and saw the children getting out a car and following Katherine and Winnie into the house and called Helena immediately since he was aware of the situation and promised to call if he saw or heard anything.

Winnie wrote the entire thing off as just a simple vacation. She was moving back to New York to live with her new girlfriend, and she wanted to introduce the children to the new love of her life. So what if she kept the children out of school for a few days, didn't Helena herself once say there were certain experiences in life worth missing school for? And so what if she kept the children a few days longer than she was supposed to, didn't Helena herself once do the same thing to take the children on a wonderful trip? Winnie was only trying to do the same things Helena was doing for the children. Helena gripped the steering wheel. It was difficult to argue with that because she knew it was partly true. She had once kept the children longer than she should have, but she didn't leave the state, leaving behind an empty house, without even a phone call. She was furious with Winnie, but she felt like she had no choice but to just accept that she had no recourse this time. She felt like there was nothing she could do.

And then Winnie told Helena she could have the children all to herself "for a while" because Winnie wanted to get settled in with her new girlfriend and they would need some time alone.

Helena was overjoyed at the prospect she could have her children to herself, that she wouldn't have to worry when the children spent the weekend with Winnie. But it was just more proof Winnie cared more about herself than she did the children.

No matter how much Helena loved Alice, she would never give up her children to spend time Alice. And she loved Alice would never expect her to.

The fact Winnie would willingly give up time with the children--time she was fighting Helena tooth and nail to have, was indicative Winnie was merely using the children to get to Helena.

It's not that Helena doubted Winnie loved the children--Helena was certain Winnie did. Winnie could be hateful and vindictive, but she was capable of love--she just wasn't capable of loving Helena. Or maybe Helena just was incapable of gaining that love. Helena wasn't sure what it was. But she knew Winnie was capable of loving someone, it was just that ultimately, Winnie loved herself best and she was incapable of putting aside her own needs and she had absolutely no self-control. At least Helena tried to be diplomatic about Winnie in front of the children and tried never to disparage Winnie in her children's presence. Winnie extended no such courtesy to her because she simply was incapable of caring more about others than herself.

So although Helena did not doubt Winnie loved their children, there was also no doubt in Helena's mind Winnie ultimately loved herself more. Winnie fought hard to take sole custody of the children because she knew it would be the one thing Helena would not be able to stand. Helena didn't think she could recover from that kind of loss and Winnie knew this. And so naturally, Winnie wanted to use that against her. If Winnie treated the children better, Helena would feel better about the situation. If Winnie were more attentive and careful, if she would only cook their meals rather than heating up food from a can or microwaving TV dinner, if she would only swim with Wilson and Jun Ying and be willing to play with them, Helena would feel more comfortable about everything. If Winnie would only do those things, Helena could be at ease because it would mean that as much as Winnie hated her, at least Winnie's love of the children outweighed Winnie's hatred of her. But that wasn't the case.

Winnie covertly sold the property in Gramercy, moved back to New York City and took the children with her without a note or a phone call. She shut her cell phone off and did not return any of Helena's phone calls. Helena wondered what would have happened if Scott hadn't called her, she wondered how long Winnie would have kept the children, if Winnie would have ever called her to inform her of the situation. Helena doubted it.

Winnie used the children to poke at Helena and that was something she will never forgive.

Helena found a parking space near the front of Sue's apartment and sighed with relief. At least that was one less thing she had to deal with. She would still have to walk several hundred feet, but it wasn't a particularly lengthy distance. It was close enough. Much closer than she thought she could find. She didn't want to deal with anything. She just wanted to get the children inside the apartment and go to sleep. It was a tiny apartment, just one bedroom, but the couch was big enough for the children to sleep on and she could sleep on the floor. She contemplated taking the children to a hotel to sleep, but she knew Sue and Lulu would want to see the children and now that she had Wilson and Jun Ying back again she felt very badly for ignoring their calls, for only listening to their voicemails. It was only that she couldn't bear to hear their concern. It was strange, really, she wanted people to understand her, to be good to her, but when she was unhappy or worried about something, she couldn't stand it when people were kind to her. She didn't know why, it was just the way it was. But now it was over and Helena knew she had to apologize for her behavior. Sue and Lulu adored the children and they would want to know the children were all right.

Helena turned off the engine and stared into the rearview mirror, gazing at her sleeping children. She was tired, but she didn't want to wake them up, which meant she had to carry them. It was cold outside and the cold was seeping into the car now that the heat was off. She couldn't keep sitting there, doing nothing. Helena got out of the car, opened the backseat and cradled each of her children in her arms, closing the door by bumping it with her hip. She carried the children inside the apartment complex and up three flights of stairs because the elevator was out of order.

Now that she had her children again, Helena noted the apartment wasn't a very good one. The neighborhood was fine, but the building itself wasn't particularly good. Her former housekeeper was getting elderly and was no longer as mobile as she used to be. Helena made a mental note she would purchase an apartment for her former housekeeper as a birthday present since Sue would turn sixty-three in two weeks.

It was a little past midnight now, and she could see a blue light coming from beneath the door--the television was on, but other than that, the apartment was fairly quiet. It was possible Sue and Lulu were asleep. Helena sighed. She didn't want to knock and risk waking them up, she was grateful enough to both of them for their help. And anyway, Sue gave her a key.

Helena reluctantly roused her children and they stood in the hallway, bleary-eyed and drowsy. Helena fumbled awkwardly with the door and opened it and then picked up her children again who promptly fell asleep. Helena walked into the apartment and paused.

Helena blinked.

Alice and Dana were asleep together on the couch. Helena flinched and stared at them for a moment. She didn't know why they were there, but they were together. Clearly Alice must have found out about the situation and obviously she brought Dana with her. Helena sighed. She didn't have the energy to deal with any of that right now.

She glanced around the apartment to look for Lulu and her aunt. Sue, was a few feet away, sprawled out on the sofa chair with the phone in her lap and Lulu was curled up next to the chair her aunt was sleeping in, her head resting on a pillow.

She didn't want to wake Sue, who was not in the best of health so she walked to Lulu and crouched down next to her, still holding onto Wilson and Jun Ying. She gently nudged Lulu's shoulder with her knee. "Lulu," she called softly.

Lulu groaned a little and squirmed away. "Leave me alone, Mom. I'm dying."

"I'm not your mother," Helena said with a soft laugh.

Lulu's eyes snapped open. "Helena!" she exclaimed in a loud hiss.

"Shhh," Helena said quietly. "I don't want to wake anyone." Helena smiled wryly. "It appears very crowded tonight," she commented, glancing at Alice and Dana.

Lulu followed her gaze and winced. "Helena…" She turned back to Helena and sighed with relief when she saw the children, automatically reaching out to gently stroke the back of their heads. "Are they okay?" Lulu asked softly.

Helena nodded grimly. "They're fine," she said, her voice subdued. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly. "It's a long story. I'll tell you tomorrow," she said. "I'm just very tired right now." She shook her head, trying to shake off the wave of exhaustion. "I'm going to take the children to a hotel. I'll come back in the morning and then we can go home." Helena smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry for my behavior lately. It was… unprofessional of me as your employer."

"What? Helena. No. I--"

"I'm going to go," Helena said softly. "Will you tell Sue I'll be back tomorrow morning?"

"You don't have to go," Lulu said quietly. "You're tired. They're tired. Just stay."

Helena glanced again at Alice and Dana on the couch and flinched. Alice was sleeping on Dana's shoulder and the sight was just too much for her to bear at the moment. She swallowed hard. She was touched Alice came out here--but Dana's presence obviously meant the gesture was purely a platonic one on Alice's part. Alice was just trying to be a good friend to her and though Helena appreciated that, because she'd never had a true friend before, at the moment, it just hurt too much. Helena sighed. "I don't think I can stay here," she said softly, smiling sadly. "I wanted to thank you for coming with me," she said softly. "I know you've missed school and--"

"Of course I would come with you," Lulu interrupted softly. "Why wouldn't I? I totally love you guys. Helena…at least let me drive you to the hotel. You must be really tired."

Helena smiled. "I'm fine, Lulu. Get a lot of sleep. You're still growing," Helena said with maternal-like affection. And with that, Helena stood up. "Do you mind opening the front door for me?" Helena asked.

Lulu stood up hurriedly. "Helena, I don't think you should go," Lulu said softly.

"I'll be back in the morning," Helena said, her voice soft and weary.

Lulu followed Helena to the door and opened it, looking at Helena with concern. "Helena--"

"Bye, Lulu," Helena said softly, turning around and walking away.

"Fuck" Lulu said softly, shutting the door behind her.

Lulu walked to the sofa chair and gently shook her aunt awake. "Aunt Sue?" she called softly.

Her aunt cocked open one eye and stared at her.

"Don't sleep in this thing, it's bad for your back," Lulu said softly. "Go sleep in the bed. It's okay now. Helena dropped by, she found the kids."

Her aunt sat up quickly. "Are they all right?"

Lulu nodded solemnly.

"Where are they?"

"Helena's taking them to a hotel."

"You let them go?" her aunt yelped.

The sound was enough to rouse Alice who blinked and pulled away from Dana to glance at them. "What's going on?" she asked anxiously.

"Helena was here with the kids," Lulu said, looking almost resentfully at her. "She thought the apartment was a little crowded and she took off to stay at a hotel."

Alice jumped to her feet. "When did she leave?" she demanded, her voice rising hysterically.

"Just now."

Alice ran for the door, pausing only to don a pair of house slippers that belonged to Lulu's aunt.

"Wait!" Sue called. "You'll catch your death!" she exclaimed, for Alice was only wearing a pair of thin cotton yoga pants and the 'I Love Asthma' tank top.

Alice didn't seem to hear her, she flung open the door and ran out, searching the hallway frantically. The elevator was probably still broken and she didn't want to bother wasting time to find out. She ran to the staircase, pounding down the stairs. She didn't see Helena. "Helena?" she called, trying to hear for anything, for Helena's footsteps or for a reply, but she heard nothing. She cursed, trying to run harder, jumping down the stairs two-at-a-time and stumbling into the wall. She knew how it must have looked to Helena, to come back to that apartment to see her and Dana together. It must have looked so bad. Alice couldn't stand it. She couldn't let Helena go thinking that. Alice ran out of the building and paused, finally catching sight of Helena, trudging down the sidewalk, holding Wilson and Jun Ying in her arms. "Helena!" Alice called out, stumbling slightly on the icy sidewalk.

Helena froze, wondering if she were so tired she was hallucinating now. She was almost at the car and though she loved her children, she was too tired to keep carrying them, so she just kept walking, without turning around, ignoring Alice's repeated cries for her to stop.

"Helena!" Alice yelled, trying to run after Helena, but the house slippers she wore lacked traction and constantly slipped on the icy sidewalk. It was beginning to snow again, as it had on-and-off throughout the last several days and Alice blinked against it as it fell around her face.

Helena reached her rental car and was fumbling with her car keys when Alice reached her side.

"Helena!"

Helena turned to look at Alice, and her eyes widened as she took in Alice's outfit. "Are you mad?! You'll catch your death," she hissed, moving to take off her coat and realizing she was still holding the children so she couldn't quite manage that.

Alice stared at her for a moment and then took the children into her arms. "Why didn't you stop?" she whispered.

Helena winced and turned away, unlocking the car, opening the back door and taking her children away from Alice and strapping them inside. She covered them with the blanket she decided to 'borrow' from Winnie. Then she closed the door and faced Alice again. "You'll catch your death," she repeated, hastily taking off her coat and draping it around Alice's shoulders. "Get inside! You'll catch frostbite. My God! Look at your feet!"

Alice stared at Helena for a moment. It was cold, but she didn't notice until Helena pointed that out and it touched her to see Helena didn't even hesitate to give her the coat she was wearing. Helena was shivering now because Alice knew the British woman was susceptible to cold and the sweater Helena wore wasn't particularly warm. Alice knew this because she herself has worn it and was certainly not warm enough for New York City in February., especially at this time of night. "Come back inside with me," she pleaded, pulling on Helena's hand

"Alice, get inside," Helena said wearily. "It's frigid out here." Helena glanced up at the sky to watch the falling snow. Your feet--"

"Are going to be fine!" Alice exclaimed, hopping around like a mad woman because her feet were, in fact, freezing. Alice reached for Helena's hand. "Come back inside with me!"

"It's rather crowded in there," Helena said, trying very hard not to sound bitter. "I think everyone would be more comfortable if the children and I left," Helena said stiffly. Helena bit her lip and relented. It wasn't Alice's fault she was so tired, she saw no reason why she should take her anger and frustration out on her. She leaned forward to kiss Alice's cheek. "I'll be back in the morning," she said quietly, not meeting Alice's eyes. She forced a smile. "Go back inside," she whispered, turning around to walk to the driver's side.

Alice grabbed her arm. "Helena."

Helena turned and they stared at one another for a long moment before Helena spoke, her voice low and weary. "Let me go."

Alice stared at her. "Helena, don't go. Come back inside, we can talk."

Helena winced and looked away. "Tomorrow, darling. Let's just talk tomorrow."

"Helena, just come inside, please. I need to--"

Alice was interrupted as Dana ran out of the building, calling her name. Alice turned to look at Dana and saw the tennis player was carrying a coat and a pair of shoes.

"Alice, are you fucking crazy? How can you run around..." Dana trailed off as she saw Alice and Helena together. Dana winced and shifted her feet and gave an awkward wave. "Hi," she said flatly, approaching them. "Here" she said, passing the shoes and coat to Alice.

Alice took the coat and wrapped it around Helena, rubbing the other woman's arms for warmth before she put hastily put on her shoes, holding onto Dana for balance. "Thanks, Dana," Alice said quietly, though she could not imagine how the situation could become any more awkward.

"I ought to go," Helena repeated, beginning to move toward the driver's side again. She rubbed her face, why did this have to be so difficult. She was trying to step aside gracefully.

"Helena--"

Dana watched them awkwardly, unable to move, unable to tear her eyes away from watching them. Finally, after feeling like an interloper, Dana bit her lip, making the decision to leave and give Alice and Helena some privacy. She didn't want to leave them alone, but she felt she had to. "I'll go back upstairs," she muttered, turning around and sprinting away, trying not to cry.

Alice watched Dana leave, her expression sympathetic and unhappy. She took a few steps forward, as if to stop Dana from leaving. She hated to see the look on Dana's face, that hurt, wounded expression, the one that clearly indicated Dana wished Alice would run after her. And then Alice turned to Helena and saw a similar hurt, wounded expression and no matter what she did, she was hurting someone. Dana and Helena were both hurt and Alice knew it was because of her. It had to stop.

Helena swallowed hard. She just wanted to get away before she broke down into tears. She was tired--she hadn't slept since Saturday night and it was late Tuesday night or early Wednesday morning, depending on how one looked at things. And she hadn't slept very well the previous week, so all she wanted to do was to sleep. She wanted to get away, take a shower and sleep. She couldn't bear the idea of standing around and making nice with Alice, to congratulate her on finally being able to choose. But she had to, because as tired as she was, and as much as she only wanted to get away, she still loved Alice, she still wanted Alice to be happy. And after this was all over, after she slept and everyone went back to Los Angeles, Helena wanted to be able to have some semblance of a friendship with Alice. She didn't want to say something carelessly hurtful just because she was hurt. She didn't want to ruin things just because she was tired. So Helena forced herself to smile. "Congratulations," she said weakly.

Alice blinked. "What?" she asked, startled. "What are you--"

"I wish you and Dana well," Helena said, trying to smile, but faltered. "I hope you're happy," Helena said sincerely, this time managing to smile. "I'm sure she'll be good to you." She has spent a great deal of time hating and resenting Dana Fairbanks. She hated and resented Dana for hurting Alice when she and the blonde were only friends, believing the tennis player was too careless with Alice's heart. And she has hated and resented Dana for the hold she had over Alice when they both dated the blonde, but Helena could see for herself that Dana no longer took Alice for granted. Dana genuinely loved Alice, was good to Alice, and though Helena hated Dana even more than she had before, she couldn't hate her completely, couldn't hate anyone who was good to Alice, could make her happy.

Alice's eyes widened. "Helena, no. It's not like that," Alice said quickly, stepping forward to hug the other woman. "I want to be with you," Alice said, the words coming out in a whoosh before she could realize what she was saying. "I want you."

Helena froze.

Alice was speechless.

It just came out. She didn't even mean for it to come out, but now that it had, Alice realized it was true. She couldn't stand the expression on Helena's face, couldn't stand the fact Helena assumed Alice made a choice and that the choice wasn't her. She supposed if she'd been in Helena's place, she would have made the same assumption. After all, Helena arrived at the apartment and saw Alice and Dana sleeping next to one another on the sofa, Helena must have assumed they came to New York together. Actually, Alice had no idea what Helena knew or didn't know, and Helena likely had no idea what was going on, which meant they were out of touch and really needed to talk.

"I want you," Alice repeated quietly, holding onto Helena and stroking her hair. They were so alike. It was not the first time she's reflected on that, but Helena's reaction just proved to Alice once again how alike they were. She would have reacted in the same way, and so she understood Helena's desire to run. But she couldn't let Helena leave this way. Helena was always so good to her, understood her so well and Alice felt so comfortable around her. And when she was with Helena, she felt…joy. She felt joy with Helena. Even right now, as exhausted and confused and hurt as Helena seemed, and how much Alice hated that Helena was in such a condition, Alice still felt joy to be with Helena again.

It wasn't that Dana wasn't good to her, or that Dana didn't understand her or Alice felt uncomfortable around Dana. And she was always happy to see Dana, always happy when the tennis player walked into a room. And it wasn't that she didn't love Dana, because she did and she always would. Some part of her would always belong to Dana, because Dana was the first person she ever loved so much. Before Dana, she never knew she was capable of feelings of that depth. But after Dana, she knew. And she felt them for Helena.

She didn't blame Dana for breaking up with her, for wanting more experience. Alice could understand that and thought it was ultimately a wise thing to do. And Alice could acknowledge that if she and Dana were still together, she could have never looked at Helena as anything more than a friend, because at one time, she truly did imagine the rest of her life with Dana. But the reality was, Dana dumped her, and it forever changed the way she looked at Dana and created a slew of doubts about the future of their relationship. Dana told her she wanted to be with Alice, that Alice was who she wanted to be with forever, but Dana told her these things now and Alice needed that faith six months ago. She wanted to love Dana like she used to, because she loved Dana so much and wanted the best for Dana, but she just couldn't love Dana that way anymore. The break-up and seeing Dana with Lara or some other woman forever colored the way she saw the tennis player and their interactions. Alice didn't want it to, because she forgave Dana, really, she did, but she couldn't quite get over the hurt. It fundamentally changed her, changed the way she saw Dana and changed the way she could be with Dana.

At one time, she couldn't see her future with anyone other than Dana, but it's different now.

At some point in the intervening four months between Dana breaking up with her and Dana suggesting they get back together, Alice stopped seeing Dana as her future. It was partly self-protection--why envision a future with someone who obviously didn't envision a future with you? But it was also because she simply stopped seeing Dana as her future. Somewhere along the way, she fell for Helena, and fell hard, even if she didn't realize it as it was happening.

It was corny, but in her eyes, she and Dana used to shine. Everything felt so new, felt so bright and it honestly did feel like they sparkled. And it felt like they didn't shine anymore.

They were trying too hard to hold onto things and trying to live off memories. But ultimately memories were only memories, not something to build a relationship on. For a long time, Alice tried to hold onto Dana because Dana was the first person she ever truly loved so much and so deeply, but there wasn't enough left between them beyond memories.

As much as she wanted to, she didn't trust Dana as much as she used to, didn't feel as safe around her the way she did a year ago. And she'd wanted to, she just couldn't. Some part of her would always doubt Dana's love for her, and that wasn't fair because Dana has proven herself over and over again since they got back together. She didn't know what it was, exactly. Just that she felt selfish for holding onto Dana just because she couldn't bring herself to let go of someone as important as Dana knowing full well something was lost between them that she couldn't get back and she was trying to hold onto Dana by holding onto the memories of the love they once had. But they didn't have that love anymore.

She couldn't sleep in the same bed with Dana, and Dana spent so much time worrying about what she could or could not say or if she would say or do something to chase Alice away that Dana wasn't comfortable or happy with Alice. And Alice could finally admit that to herself.

She was going to let Dana go. It's not that their relationship has lost its luster or she loves Dana less than she did before, or even that she loves Dana less than she loves Helena. It's only that she can't love Dana whole-heartedly anymore, some part of her would always be holding back, inadvertently, even if she didn't want to--it was just her way.

Once she was hurt, she carried that hurt with her forever, and she could love the person again, could forgive them to the point where it really didn't matter anymore, but she would always carry it with her. It was like with Bette. Her romance with Bette was meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Bette could be a good friend, sometimes, but she was a shitty girlfriend, always, to anyone not named Tina Kennard, and even then it wasn't a guarantee. She'd been hurt when Bette broke things off, but she loved Bette as a friend. But she carried around the memory of that break-up, of that hurt with her. She didn't care the relationship ended, it was the shittiest of her shitty relationships anyway, but Bette had hurt her, and that was what Alice carried with her. And it did taint the way she interacted with Bette. She wasn't as close to Bette as she was to Dana or to Tina or Shane, or even Jenny and Carmen now. Hell, Alice was closer to Kit than she was to Bette and it was solely because Alice was always a little wary of Bette. Because Bette already proved herself to be careless with her heart, and even as friends, Bette proved herself to be careless, so Alice felt justified for being wary. They were friends, but Bette hurt her once, and the wariness would always be there. She didn't want it to be, and maybe it was a character flaw, but Alice had no idea how to change that, so there was no point in wallowing in it.

She didn't want to do the same thing to Dana. It hurt to think of being wary of Dana, but Alice thinks she could get over that wariness of Dana were only a friend. She loved Dana in a way she never even liked Bette. If Bette Porter never came into her life, Alice does not believe her life would have changed dramatically, assuming she would still know the other people Bette was connected to. But if Dana never came into her life, her life would be dramatically different and not in a good way. It is because Dana is so much of a part of her, Alice believes she and Dana could be friends, and Alice could give herself whole-heartedly to Dana as a friend, in a way she can not give herself whole-heartedly to Bette as a friend because she just couldn't believe in Bette enough to do it. Because ultimately what it came down to was this: her relationship with Bette was a youthful, lamentable indiscretion, because she was young and stupid and was enamored with a rich, older woman who paid attention to her for six weeks before Bette got bored with her. Her relationship with Dana had meant everything to her--still meant so much to her. It was so very precious and she held Dana so close to her heart. She loved Dana so much and for Dana, she could put aside all the hurt and unhappiness between them to love Dana whole-heartedly in friendship in a way she just could not do with Bette. Because though Dana hurt her more deeply than Bette ever had, her relationship with Dana was ultimately more meaningful and fulfilling, which meant there was something there to hold onto and fight for and so Alice swore she would be Dana's best friend again with every ounce of sincerity. If Dana still wanted to be her friend after this was over, Alice was certain she could whole-heartedly be Dana's best friend --she would put everything into being Dana's best friend.

She could not, however, put everything into being Dana's girlfriend. Some part of her would always brace herself for hurt, and she couldn't live like that and she couldn't make Dana live that way. It was too hard, too cruel and so very unfair to someone who deserved better.

It was different with Helena.

Helena was so like her--Helena fell in love and stayed in love until the other person ended it, just like her and Alice had no intention of ending things with Helena. She didn't feel as insecure around Helena as she had with everyone else she dated. Sure, sometimes, she felt insecure when Helena withdrew from her or became distant, because Helena did have that habit, but Alice was never insecure about Helena's love for her. She felt safe, like she could give herself completely to Helena and she would be okay. Alice has wanted that her entire life--someone she loved who loved her in return, someone she trusted and believed in, someone whom she believed she would be safe with. Oh, she had no doubts Helena would hurt her sometimes, just like she knew she would hurt Helena sometimes, too--that was just the way relationships were, people who loved each other sometimes inadvertently hurt one another, but somehow the prospect didn't fill her with fear the way it had with everyone else she's dated.

And somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew she and Helena could break up one day, because not all couples, even the ones in love stayed together. And it was stupid to say couple who break up do so because they don't want to try, shit happened. So Alice wasn't fooling herself into believing she and Helena would never break-up. Alice knew it was a possibility, but with Helena, she wasn't preparing herself for the possibility, she wasn't thinking about it in advance. She wasn't thinking, 'can we still be friends after we break-up?' It was there, in the back of her mind as an honest possibility, but the thought didn't preoccupy her, like it had with every relationship she'd ever had, including with Dana. When she thought about a future with Helena, she wasn't thinking in advance about break-ups like with her other relationships, she thought about if Helena may want to adopt another child, or what sorts of things she should plan with the children to surprise Helena on her birthday or on Mother's Day.

She felt like she shone with Helena, and though things lost their sparkle and luster, Alice knew Helena would always shine in her eyes.

It was Helena.

"I want you," Alice repeated. Alice pulled her head back to look at Helena who stared at her, wide-eyed. "It's you, Helena," Alice whispered, her eyes bright with tears.

Helena felt a lump rise to her throat. "You don't have to choose right now," she muttered, her voice thick, realizing belatedly that heretofore, Alice hadn't made a choice. And maybe Alice felt obligated to choose her now, but she didn't want Alice to feel obliged into a hasty decision.

Alice took Helena's hand and squeezed her fingers gently. "It's you," she said softly.

Helena's eyes welled with tears. "What about Dana?" she whispered.

Alice winced. She didn't know how to tell Dana, but she knew she had to. "I'll tell her," she whispered, loathing the prospect of hurting Dana.

"Are you certain?" Helena asked tremulously.

"God, yes," Alice breathed, hugging Helena again.

There so many questions Helena had. Like, how Alice found out. When did she come to New York? Why was Dana also here? What would happen next? But at the moment, Helena rested her head on Alice's shoulder, accepting that for the first time in her life, she was the one chosen.

Helena held onto Alice, and leaned on her, resting her head on Alice's shoulder. Any energy she once possessed drained out of her. She was with Alice now, and she finally felt like she could rest. "I'm so tired," Helena whispered.

"I'll take care of you," Alice promised quietly, her voice breaking slightly. "I'll always take care of you, sweetie." Alice kissed Helena's shoulder. "I love you."

Alice held Helena for a few moments until Helena pulled away. "It's too cold out here," she said, wiping at her eyes and brushing away snowflakes from Alice's shoulder. "And it's too crowded in Sue's apartment. I'll take the children to a hotel," Helena said, smiling through her tears. She glanced at the car fretfully, "it must be cold in there."

"I'll go with you," Alice said quickly.

Helena shook her head. "The children and I will be fine, darling, really. You should stay here," Helena said, wiping at her eyes again. "It would be very uncomfortable for Dana to stay alone with Sue and Lulu."

"I'll just make sure you get checked in okay," Alice said quietly, recognizing the validity of Helena's words--Dana would be uncomfortable and Alice wanted to prevent that. But first, she needed to take care of Helena. "And then can I take the car back here? I'll pick you up tomorrow morning," Alice said quietly. "I'll just make sure you're okay tonight, okay?"

Helena appeared on the verge of protesting, but then nodded slowly.

Alice smiled gently at her. Helena looked as though she could fall asleep on the spot. "Your hair is shiny," Alice commented softly, brushing a lock of hair away from Helena's face.

Helena touched her hair self-consciously and smiled shakily. "It's just greasy," she said, her voice breaking slightly. She needed a shower.

"No, it's not," Alice refuted. She took the keys out of Helena's hands. "I'll drive," she said, taking Helena by the arm and helping her to the car. She opened the passenger side door and helped Helena inside, buckling Helena's seatbelt before she ran around to the driver's side and got in. She turned on the engine and the heat immediately turned on. Alice rubbed her hands together to generate warmth as she warmed up the car. "Is there anywhere specific you want to go?"

Helena shook her head. "Anywhere is fine," she said, leaning her head against the passenger side window to stare into the rearview mirror at her sleeping children. She had no particular place in mind, she was just going to drive around until she found some place.

Alice turned to look at Helena worriedly. "Are you okay?" she asked, biting her lower lip in concern. Helena was slumped in her seat, eyes closed, with her head against the window, like she was too tired to even hold it up straight. "Maybe I should take you to the hospital or something." She had no idea how Helena found the children, but the children seemed okay and no matter what she thought of Winnie, Alice didn't think Winnie would actually harm the kids. Helena, however, was another story and it worried her to see Helena like this.

Helena chuckled sadly, "I'm sorry," she apologized quietly. "Sometimes I get this way," Helena mumbled drowsily, snuggling deeper into the seat.

Alice smiled tenderly at her. "Stop apologizing to me," she said softly, using one hand to gently squeeze Helena's knee.

Helena smiled tiredly. "All right, darling," she said sleepily.

Alice turned to glance at her at the next stoplight and smiled.

Helena had fallen asleep.

------------

When Alice arrived at Sue's apartment, it was dark. Alice knocked on the door for a few minutes until Lulu answered, bleary-eyed and looking at Alice in surprise. "What are you doing here? I thought you were with Helena," Lulu said in confusion.

"I was," Alice said quietly. "I checked them into a hotel, made sure she was okay and then I came back here. Where's Dana? I need to talk to her."

Lulu blinked at her for a few minutes. "Oh, yeah. Dana. Yeah, come in," Lulu said, pulling Alice inside. Lulu flipped on the light and pointed at the couch where Dana was sleeping. "She wanted to leave, but Aunt Sue and I told her it was insane because it's snowing too hard so she wouldn't be able to get a flight out right now anyway. She told us she saw you and Helena talking and you left with her," Lulu said, still confused.

Alice winced. Dana was so good to her--she put aside her own feelings to come out here for her and the blonde felt awful it would have to be like this. Alice felt even more terrible when she realized Dana must have watched her talk to Helena and thought about how awful Dana must have felt to see her leave with Helena. "I need to talk to her," Alice said softly.

Lulu sighed. "I'll go sleep with Aunt Sue," she said, turning to leave. Lulu stopped and turned around. "Helena is okay, right?" Lulu asked uncertainly.

Alice smiled at her. "She's sleeping now."

Alice planned on just checking Helena and the kids into a hotel and making sure they were okay before leaving, but it soon became apparent Helena was barely functioning. She was so tired she could barely stand. Alice checked Helena and the children into the hotel and she got the children changed into pajamas and tucked into the bed. Helena had mumbled something about needing to take a shower and Alice sat on the bed waiting for Helena to come out. But twenty, and then thirty minutes passed and the water was still running and Alice became concerned. There was no answer when she knocked on the bathroom door, so Alice let herself in and found Helena still fully clothed standing next to the shower watching blankly as the water ran.

"Hey," Alice said softly, stepping forward slowly and coming up behind Helena to hug her around the waist. Alice swallowed hard, wondering if Helena were just tired or if she was having some kind of break-down. She wouldn't blame Helena if she did. "I'm here, baby," Alice whispered, nuzzling Helena's ear. "I'm going to take care of you now." Alice touched her hand to the cascading water and was relieved to find it was still warm enough. She stepped back and tugged at her coat which Helena still wore. "Sweetie, I'm going to take this off, okay?" Alice said quietly as pulled the coat off.

"Alice," Helena said quietly, her voice gravelly.

"Yeah?" Alice asked gently.

Helena turned to face Alice, her eyes wide and teary. Helena's lower lip trembled. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."

Alice's brow furrowed in confusion. "What are you sorry for?"

Tears spilled out of Helena's eyes. "For everything," Helena said, staring down. "For that night," she whispered. "I wanted to be good to you," Helena said, swallowing hard. She stepped toward Alice, reaching for the blonde almost desperately as she embraced her. "I'm sorry I wasn't," Helena said, her breaking voice slightly muffled as she buried her face into Alice's shoulder.

"Helena, no, don't apologize for that," Alice said, fighting hard not to cry as well. "I love you," she whispered. "I loved being with you," Alice reassured comfortingly, stroking Helena's hair, holding on tightly to Helena who trembled in her arms. It didn't happen the way she thought or hoped it would, and she still wondered if maybe she should have just stopped and talked to Helena or done something else--she knew that would bother her for a long time. But she didn't regret being with Helena and she was looking forward to being with her again.

Helena buried her face deeper into Alice's shoulder, sniffling. "It doesn't have to be that way for me to enjoy it," Helena whispered.

Alice frowned slightly, somewhat confused by the statement. "Helena?" she asked softly.

Helena broke the hug and grabbed Alice's hands, looking at the blonde with a desperate, pleading expression as if she'd done something terribly wrong and was now begging Alice for her understanding. "It doesn't have to be that way," Helena said desperately. "I don't have to hurt someone," Helena whispered, squeezing Alice's hands. "There doesn't have to be risk involved. I don't need an audience. I don't need to be in control all the time," Helena said in a rushed babble, tears now freely rolling down her cheeks, an emotional floodgate coming forth. "I'm not like that," Helena said, her voice so very small. "Please believe me," Helena begged, not really knowing what she was saying but needing so badly to get it all out, wanting so badly for Alice to understand her. "I can enjoy it without…without…all that," Helena broke off tearfully, hugging herself around the chest, backing away from Alice. "It doesn't have to be that way," she whispered again, emotionally spent.

Alice stared at Helena, wide-eyed, taken aback by Helena's almost incoherent babbling. She didn't know where it was coming from or what it all meant--all Alice knew was that once she figured out what brought on this emotional response in Helena, she was very likely going to hate people more than she already did. And there was no sight that could have filled her with more sadness than seeing Helena backing away from her, her arms hugged protectively around herself. "Helena," Alice said carefully, wanting so very badly to comfort her, to assure her but not knowing how to do that at the moment because she had no idea what brought it on. "I know," Alice whispered, fighting the urge to cry, "I know." Alice said, closing the physical distance between them and hugging Helena again. She kissed Helena's forehead, her cheeks, her lips. "I love you," Alice whispered. "I know you," Alice said softly, stroking Helena's cheeks. "You don't have to tell me those things, I already know," she said quietly, cupping the sides of Helena's face in her hands. "Tell me what's going on," Alice begged.

Helena shook her head, as though to clear her thoughts and looked at Alice, her expression giving her a lost appearance. "Winnie found me…deficient," Helena whispered, swallowing hard. "She said she…found me lacking. And Tina…" Helena struggled with the words. "Tina said I couldn't enjoy…couldn't enjoy it, " Helena stammered, "unless risk were involved, an audience were present or I was in control," Helena whispered.

Alice's features contorted with rage. "They said those things to you?" she said, her voice thick with emotion. 'Oh, Helena, no,' Alice thought, torn between rage at Winnie and Tina and sympathy and hurt for Helena. She'd hated Winnie from the moment she heard her name, but she'd adored Tina for years and the feeling of rage she felt at both women was a little disorienting. She wanted to hurt them both the way they each clearly hurt Helena.

"I don't want you to think of me like that," Helena choked out.

Oh, Helena, no.

It hurt so much to hear that, so much Alice wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. But instead she held Helena in her arms, stroked her hair. "I could never ever think that way," Alice said fervently. "I love you," Alice said, biting her lower lip. "It's going to be okay now," Alice whispered. "Really. I promise you." Alice pulled her head back to look into Helena's eyes and smiled brightly, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "You trust me, right?"

Helena nodded quickly.

"Then believe me," Alice whispered, "it's going to be okay."

And then Alice kissed her, slow and deep, pushing away any doubt Helena might have felt about Alice's choice and then Alice helped Helena wash up and tucked her into bed, promising she would come back in the morning with a clean change of clothes. Helena was asleep almost instantly and Alice left the room reluctantly, not wanting to leave Helena but not wanting to leave Dana alone either. She owed both women so much and though she made a choice, she still felt loyalty and devotion to Dana which is why Alice had to leave to return to Sue's apartment to talk to Dana, because she owed Dana that much.

Now Alice was back at the apartment watching Lulu leave the living room to quietly enter her aunt's bedroom and then turned her attention to the couch.

Dana was already up, obviously roused from sleep by all the activity. She looked at Alice with a combination of hope and sadness. "Hi," she said quietly, sitting up to make room for Alice to sit.

"Hi," Alice said softly, as she sat next to Dana.

They gazed at one another and then looked away, staring straight ahead at the television which was off. They remained that way, sitting next to one another, staring straight ahead, in silence.

"You came back," Dana said quietly, hoping it meant something good for her. But she wasn't sure given the expression on Alice's face. But she was sure Alice coming back meant something.

"Yeah," Alice said softly, turning to look at Dana and then looked away. She wanted to tell Dana, wanted to free Dana, but it was so hard to find the words when Dana was looking at her that way. She would rather be the one hurt than the one hurting Dana.

Dana swallowed hard, her expression timid. "Do you have something you want to tell me?" she asked cautiously.

"Dana," Alice whispered, her jaw working. She wanted to get it out, but it just wasn't coming to her. She didn't know how she could say it. Finally, Alice bit down on her lip and nodded.

Dana looked away, her face falling. "We don't have to talk about this now," she said, her voice thick with emotion.

Alice reached for her. "Dana," she whispered.

But Dana twisted away, lay back on the too-soft couch and brought the blanket over her head. "We don't have to talk about this now, Al," Dana said, her voice muffled.

Alice stared down at Dana for a moment, feeling useless and guilty. She lightly traced her hand comfortingly down the tennis player's body over the blanket in a futile attempt to bring comfort.

Eventually, Alice fell asleep, and when she woke up just a few hours later, Dana was gone.

-----------------

There were pictures of Helena and the children everywhere in Sue's apartment. Alice realized this only in the morning when things were more or less settled. When she called Dana, the tennis player was already at the airport, ready to go back to Los Angeles. Alice wanted to say something, anything, but she could think of nothing to say. The tennis player told her they could talk later, but she at the moment, she had to go and then gently hung up.

Alice walked around the apartment, really looking at it for the first time. There was a picture on the mantle of the fireplace of Helena in a graduation robe, looking young and happy and waving at the camera. And on the wall was a picture of Helena sitting at a desk, peering very closely at a computer screen. Jun Ying was sitting in her lap, and from the looks of the picture, Jun Ying was hitting Helena with a large wooden spoon. Wilson was sitting on the desk, appearing to be defacing a dictionary with a crayon. The children looked to be very young, perhaps two years old, so Helena was only twenty-four years old. Alice tried to think of what she was doing when she was twenty-four and how different she and Helena must have been back then, at least on the surface and how strange it was they'd ended up in the same place, together. But Alice was happy they did. Alice spotted another picture on another wall and moved to look at it. It was obviously taken a few years ago, and from a distance, Helena's hair was slightly shorter and the children looked to be about four or five. They were walking down a sidewalk, Helena slightly ahead of them, swinging her arms comically. Her right arm was swung high in the air, while her left arm was swung low and even from far away, Alice could see Helena was grinning, her head thrown back in laughter. Jun Ying and Wilson followed after her, obviously trying to imitate Helena's walk. At the far end of the frame was Winnie, trailing behind them, and even from the distance, Alice could see Winnie's sour expression and posture, marring what was otherwise an adorable family photograph. God, those kids loved Helena so much. Alice wished Helena could just see that, rather than constantly being in doubt, worrying about her parenting skills, and believing she would one day lose their love. It just didn't seem possible to Alice. The kids loved Helena.

"She's a good girl," Sue said, walking up next to Alice and startling the blonde. Sue touched the photograph, her index finger resting squarely on Helena.

Alice turned to smile at her. "Yeah, she is." She paused. "You know, I could take this picture to a copy shop and edit Winnie out," Alice said, scowling a little just by saying the woman's name.

Sue laughed. "That's a good idea."

Alice laughed as well. "I wanted to wait until you were awake to thank-you for letting us stay here." Alice pointed toward the door. "I should get going though."

Sue looked at her in concern. "Doesn't she need a change of clothing? She came here with only the clothes on her back."

Alice looked at her gratefully. "Yes, she does," Alice said. "I was just going to drive around and try to find someplace open to buy some clothes from, but if you have something…"

Sue smiled at her. "I don't think any of Helena's usual shops are open yet," she said gently.

Alice blushed. She didn't really think it through. All she knew was that Helena was sure to want a change of clothing. "Yeah," she agreed.

"I have a pair of old jeans Lulu wore in high school and a few tank tops," Sue said. "Lulu and Helena are about the same size, and Lulu hasn't grown much since then. I'll go get them," Sue said, smiling at Alice and patting her arm before she walked into the bedroom.

Thirty minutes later, Alice knocked on the door to Helena's hotel room, carrying a shopping bag containing a change of clothes. There was silence and for an awful moment Alice thought Helena, too, had gone without saying goodbye. But then she heard the muffled voices of the children and the soft pad of feet running to the door.

"Ask who it is," Jun Ying whispered.

"I know," Wilson said witheringly. "Who is it?" Wilson asked politely.

"It's Alice, guys."

There was a momentary pause and then the children whooped and the door open immediately and Alice was met with two children who immediately jumped around her. Alice crouched down to their height and held out her arms. The children bounded into her, and Alice went tumbling onto her back. She saw the door was closing and she held it open with her foot as the children hugged her. Alice laughed softly and ruffled their hair affectionately. "Where's your mom, guys?" she asked, hauling to her feet with two small children attached to her waist.

Wilson and Jun Ying quieted down immediately and stared up at Alice with matching, wide-eyed, serious expressions. "Mommy's sleeping," they whispered together, simultaneously raising the index fingers on their right hands to their lips.

Alice smiled fondly at them. "Come on, kiddos," she said ushering them inside the room.

Alice approached the bed and sat down, stroking Helena's hair. It was still early in the morning--only eight am, which was much later than Helena usually slept, but Helena needed the sleep and Alice was relieved Helena was getting it. But she was fairly sure Helena would want to get back to LA as soon as possible. Before she left Sue's apartment, she'd asked Sue to let Lulu know they would come back for her so they could all go to the airport together. She'd checked flight schedules and there was one scheduled to leave in a few hours, which would give them just enough time for everyone to get ready, pick up Lulu, eat breakfast, get to the airport, check in and pass through security. "Hey pretty," Alice said softly, leaning down to kiss Helena on the cheek, frowning slightly when it felt a little too warm. Alice touched the back of her hand to Helena's cheeks and her forehead, smiling apologetically when Helena woke up with a tiny groan at the touch and opened her eyes to look at Alice.

Helena gazed at Alice silently, a soft smile touching her lips.

"You feeling a little sick, sweetie?" Alice asked, stroking Helena's forehead.

"Mommy's sick?" Wilson and Jun Ying asked together, anxiously.

Helena shook her head and then immediately grimaced. "A little," Helena admitted, her voice coming out rough and raw.

"Your mom has a little frog in her throat," Alice said, smiling reassuringly at the children.

Wilson and Jun Ying exchanged wide-eyed stares. "Really?" they asked, running over and touching Helena's neck.

"Does it go 'ribbit ribbit'?" Jun Ying asked.

"Is it jumping around?" Wilson asked.

Helena and Alice exchanged a fond look.

"It's just an expression, babies," Helena said, gently pulling her children closer to her. "It means my throat hurts just a little bit," she explained, her voice sounding painfully hoarse, as she held up her thumb and index finger just a few millimeters apart.

Wilson and Jun Ying looked at her worriedly.

"It just hurts a little bit?" Wilson asked hesitantly, gently reaching out to touch Helena's neck.

Helena looked at them, her eyes bright. "Just a little bit," she assured softly. "I need to talk to Alice for a moment, babies, and we're going to leave soon, can you go to the bathroom and get washed up, please?"

"Okay," Wilson and Jun Ying agreed, running into the bathroom.

"Hey," Alice said softly, touching Helena's forehead again. "Are you sure you can fly?" she asked concernedly, brushing some hair out of Helena's face. Helena's face felt too warm and she was paler than usual.

Helena smiled at her. "I'm all right, really," Helena assured. "I'd been coming down with something last week, and I suppose getting a bit ill is the natural consequence of all this running around. I'm fine, really."

"Well, we'll buy you some medicine and load up on vitamin c."

"All right," Helena said softly.

"You're really okay?"

"I'm really okay," Helena said with a smile.

Alice nudged the shopping back she brought with her foot. "I got you some jeans and a couple of tank tops you can layer and some socks. They're Lulu's. And you can wear my sweater and you have your coat, so you should be okay. And I'll make sure you stay warm," Alice said, squeezing Helena's hand. She nuzzled Helena's nose with her own. "I'll take care of you, remember?"

Helena smiled at her. "Thank-you darling," she whispered.

Alice raised an eyebrow. "For what?" she asked, grinning at her.

Helena took Alice's hand. "For choosing me," Helena said, her voice heavy with emotion.

Alice blinked back tears and she leaned down to hug Helena. She sat up and fumbled with her shoes and then crawled into bed with Helena. "I love you," Alice whispered thickly.

"I love you, too."

Next--->