Chapter 5

Dana has given it a lot of thought. She has over-thought it, she has tried not to think about it. She has told herself she is happy--which she is. More than happy, really. She has told herself it would pass, that there is always doubt. That it's normal. Doubt is normal.

But oh God, there was so much doubt.

So much doubt, she thought it would choke her

She loves Alice, of course. There is no doubt in her mind about that. And she is sure she is in love with Alice. Every day that passed, she fell a little more deeply in love with Alice. It became just a little harder to be without Alice, and Dana knew the feeling was mutual. But she wasn't sure it would last.

She was so inexperienced. She has been romantically involved with five women in her entire life, but she has only been in love with one. Stephanie was a brief, teenage romance--barely anything, really. A few sweet, secret kisses before Stephanie was spirited away by her parents. Melanie was a one-night stand, nothing to even think about, really. Lara. Dana thought she could have really loved Lara, if she hadn't fucked things up. There was Tonya, who Dana hadn't loved, but had felt a certain amount of affection. It was difficult not to be won over by Tonya's exuberance, her expressive face and her determination. And then there was Alice, who was so good to her. Who loved her, whom Dana loved so much in return.

But there was so much doubt.

So much crushing doubt.

She knew it was different for Alice.

It was different for Alice, who had been in love with her high school boyfriend so deeply that she still can't talk about him without a dreamy, affectionate smile that Dana makes fun of her for, calling it Alice's 'doofy' smile. Alice had been in love with Gabby Deveaux and at least one other person that Dana knew of, and Alice had been romantically involved with…well, a lot of other people whom she hadn't loved, but at least she'd had the chance to figure that out. Alice was experienced enough to know whom she wanted, and whom she didn't want. She had experienced enough so that she could settle down comfortably, without thinking about what else was out there, if there was someone else.

But Dana wasn't.

She just wasn't. She wasn't experienced enough to know what she was feeling for Alice were real, or if it was the first time and only time she felt so deeply about another person. It was love, that much Dana knew. But was it the kind of love that was meant to be forever? She just didn't know, and she knew she didn't know.

And the burden of that knowledge threatened to crush her every day--even as she fell more deeply in love with Alice with each passing day, knowing that Alice was also falling more deeply in love with Dana as well. It was love. Dana was sure of it. But she needed something to compare it to--some frame of reference. Didn't Alice once tell her…"I never felt this way about anyone else before"? Didn't that mean Alice was, in some way, making comparisons? Though Dana winced at the thought of it, she thought she, too, needed to make comparisons. And she would need some experience to do so.

She'd put it off for as long as she could, and then realized it was a mistake. That the more she put it off, the worse it was going to be. She knew now that hurting Alice was inevitable, and she hated herself for it. She'd sworn she would never hurt Alice. But now she was going to, and the thought broke Dana's heart.

She'd hated Gabby Deveaux for the way Gabby treated Alice, for making Alice cry and feel self-doubt and self-hate, wondering what was wrong with her, when nothing was wrong with Alice.

It was the people she chose to fall in love with, Dana realized.

They were the problem, not Alice.

And Dana hated that she was one of them now.

She hated she would be just like everyone else, when Alice had been so sure Dana was different. Dana hated herself because she knew now that Alice trust in her had been completely misplaced, but Alice was the most trustworthy person she knew. Dana hated herself for letting Alice trust her, knowing full well that Alice wasn't the most trusting of people, only to end up hurting her. Just thinking about the look in Alice eyes when Dana would tell her she wanted to see other people made Dana's stomach clench up. She was going to be sick. But she had to do this. She had to see.

She would have to ask Alice if they could take a break and see other people.

"Hey," Lara said, sitting down across for Dana.

"Hey," Dana said softly.

"You're going to tell her today, aren't you?" Lara said sympathetically.

Dana grimaced. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Sorry," Lara said.

"I really love her," Dana said softly, staring into the contents of her coffee mug.

"I know," Lara said.

Dana looked up into Lara's eyes. "Lara," Dana said, almost excitedly. "Would you be okay if I dated both you and Alice?" It never occurred to her she could do both, but maybe she could…

Lara looked uneasy. "Well…"

Dana looked down at the table. "I don't think she'd go for that," Dana muttered. "But if she does…would you be okay with that?" Dana asked hopefully.

Lara sighed. "Yes," she agreed.

Dana rested her head in her hands. "I'm sorry," Dana said. "Fuck," she whispered angrily.

Lara smiled and grabbed one of Dana's hands. "Hey," Lara said softly. "You're confused. That's okay," she said reassuringly. "You're allowed." Lara grinned at her. "And you and I have always had this…thing between us."

"Yeah," Dana agreed.

"So I think it's good for us to see where it goes."

"Yeah," Dana agreed.

"I'm sorry you have to hurt her," Lara said quietly.

Dana looked at Lara, her eyes teary. "Me too," Dana said simply. She pulled her hand away from Lara and brooded, staring into her coffee without drinking it. 'Fuck,' Dana thought, barely paying attention to the redhead who slipped away to go back to work, telling Dana to call her later.

She was so, so very sorry that she would have to do this. But she truly felt she had to. That she couldn't go on like this, always wondering if Alice were the one for her, or if there was someone else. She couldn't rid herself of her lingering attraction and infatuation with Lara. The curiosity she felt about where a relationship with Lara would lead failed to abate, no matter how much time passed by, no matter how often she told herself she was only friends with Lara.

She supposed she didn't make the situation any better. She could have avoided meeting with Lara, ended their casual dinners and coffee dates, but she didn't. If she hadn't pursued a friendship with Lara, she probably wouldn't be in this situation now.

But she would still have doubts.

It wasn't that she wanted more--Alice gave her everything. Everything she wanted and needed. She knew she could be happy with Alice--but the doubts, the uncertainty would always be there, brewing under the surface and Dana did not want something to erupt ten years down the line. In truth, Alice is the only person Dana can see herself with ten years from now, but she needs to experience more, maybe love other people, before she can truly give herself over to Alice. And she wanted to. She wanted to give herself over to Alice.

But she needed to do this, she needed to see for sure. And she knew how selfish it was, to hurt a woman who has only been good to her, simply to see if the woman was really for her or not. But she needed to do it.

Dana knew Alice is the sweetest, kindest person she has ever known, and that made the whole thing worse. How can you willingly hurt someone like that? Alice had always been so sweet and generous to her, and Dana could not bear the thought of hurting her. It physically hurt to even think about. But she still needed to do what she had to do. She had to do it.

Dana thought back to all the things Alice had done for her--the dinners with her parents that Alice accompanied her to, because the reporter knew Dana would need the moral support. The random gifts Alice would buy for her, just because Alice had been thinking of her. Dana thought back to the way Alice forced down burnt chicken and undercooked rice simply because Dana had cooked it. A week after that, Dana had tried to make brownies for Alice to cheer up the reporter who was upset about something that had happened at work. The brownies, which were from a mix, turned out to be a disaster after Dana accidentally put too much oil into the batter. She didn't think it was that big of a deal, but the brownies wouldn't bake right and Dana had been deeply unhappy when she tried to cut the brownies and realized they were still slightly runny. But Alice ate two, with a big smile and a large glass of soy milk and swore they were good brownies, because nothing could really mess up chocolate. And then she took the entire plate home raving about Dana's newfound culinary talents.

How could she hurt someone who would do that for her?

How?

But the doubt…

Dana could not stop thinking about it. She could not stop thinking about her lack of experience, how it wasn't normal. She couldn't stop thinking about how she was supposed to have experienced more before she settled down. How could she know Alice was the one when Alice was the only one she'd ever loved?

Dana needed this. She needed to date Lara. Hell, she needed to date other people, too. She needed to see what it was like. She needed to experience more.

You don't spend forever with the first and only person you've ever loved. That wasn't the way things were supposed to be.

And no matter how right things felt with Alice, it would never feel fully 'right' until she experienced more.

She was sure Alice would understand. Alice always understood. And Alice always forgave her, even when Dana herself could admit she was acting undeniably selfish. And she could acknowledge how selfish she was being. But Dana had to do this.

Alice would have to understand. She just had to.

Dana knew there was a chance she would lose the only person she'd ever loved. She knew it was possible that Alice was the one for her, and she might be fucking it all up with this, but she couldn't take the feeling of doubt anymore. It was crushing her and she was suffocating underneath the weight of it. Dana was sure if they were truly right for her, they would find each other again. Look at Bette and Tina. She was willing to take that chance.

'Alice loves me, she'll understand,' Dana told herself. Yes, Alice did love her. And yes, Alice would understand, but that didn't mean she wouldn't be hurt. The image of Alice's eyes, hurt, because of her came into Dana's mind's eye, and she closed her eyes at the thought. She wasn't sure she could survive this. But…

She owed this to herself.

She tried not to think what she owed Alice.

Dana stood up wearily. She was meeting Alice at the condo in a few minutes. She couldn't back out now.

She would have to do this.

Though she knew it was selfish of her, she reminded herself not to look into Alice's eyes. It would hurt too much. Alice's eyes were always a dead giveaway to what she was feeling.

They arrived at the same time and met at the front door, Alice's eyes happy and trusting and Dana felt herself swell with love just at the sight of her.

"Hey, baby," Alice said, greeting the tennis player with a kiss on the cheek. "I got the door," Alice said, using her key. She held it open and Dana passed through it.

"Thanks," Dana said quietly.

"Sure," Alice said, shrugging.

Dana took Alice's hand. "Let's go to the couch."

"Okay," Alice agreed, her eyes suddenly wary, clearly sensing something was amiss. "What's going on?"

"Let's go to the couch," Dana repeated.

"Okay," Alice agreed, taking her hand away from Dana and sticking both her hands in the pockets of her jeans as she followed Dana to the couch.

Dana sat down first and indicated for Alice to sit down next to her.

Alice sat and looked at Dana expectantly.

"We should talk," Dana said, her tone serious. She reached for Alice's hand.

"Okay," Alice said, frowning, feeling a sense of dread. She felt her stomach plummet. People don't just say 'we should talk' that way without it being something bad. She pulled her hand away. "Talk."

"Al, you know I love you, right?"

"Yeah. Sure."

"I love you, Al. So much," Dana said earnestly. Dana's gaze was downcast. She glanced up at Alice and then gazed down again.

"I love you too," Alice said slowly, her eyes becoming both wary and concerned. "So what's up?"

"Al. I'm…I'm so so sorry," Dana said, beginning to break down into tears. "I love you so much, but you're the only person I've ever loved and…" Dana trailed off, her voice beginning to break. She wiped at her eyes. "Al, I really think we should take a break and see other people."

Despite the reminder to herself, Dana couldn't help it--she looked into Alice's eyes and immediately hated herself.

Alice was just staring at her, brown eyes filled with tears.

She was hurt. Dana could see that immediately. But she wasn't surprised.

Alice wasn't surprised, and maybe that hurt more than anything else.

---

Alice was quiet, and this scared Dana. It's not that she expects Alice to be loud all the time or to be constantly chattering about something, but this type of quiet frightened her. Especially now.

"Say something," Dana pleaded.

Alice looked at her and gazed into Dana's eyes for a moment, but said nothing. Alice wiped at her eyes with one hand and then looked away, saying nothing.

"Al, I'm so sorry," Dana said quietly, reaching out to touch Alice, to comfort her, to make everything hurt less. Anything to take away the look of sickly hurt on Alice's face, like the blonde was going to either throw up or burst into tears. "Please don't hate me," Dana whispered.

Alice stared at the television though it wasn't on, to avoid looking at Dana. "Why?" she whispered dully, speaking for the first time since Dana had told her she thought they should date other people. "Why?" she repeated, without looking at Dana. "Is it Lara?"

"No! Yes. No! I mean…" Dana scrambled to take a hold of Alice's hands, to get Alice to look at her. "Please, just look at me and let me explain. Please, Al?"

Alice extricated her hands away from Dana but turned to look at the tennis player. She brought her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on her knees, crossing her arms over them in a protective gesture. "Go ahead."

"Alice, I love you. I love you so much," Dana said. "But--"

Alice snorted. Her entire life, there had always been a 'but.'

Dana's face fell, but she pushed forward. "But you're the only woman I've ever loved. The only, Al, and I'm almost thirty! I just…people don't just stay for life with the first person they've loved, you know? I feel like I need to experience more, date other people," Dana said softly, knowing how much she was hurting Alice.

She reached for Alice's hands, but Alice pulled them away.

"Dana," Alice said softly, "while we're doing this, can you not fucking touch me, please?"

Dana flinched. "Sorry," she whispered.

She knew it would be hard. Possibly the hardest thing she'd ever done. Harder than coming out to her parents. Harder than all the 'hard' events of her life put together. But she had to do this. She just had to. She didn't want to. She wanted to be able to spend the rest of her life with Alice--she knew she would be happy. But she also knew there would be lingering doubt, and that wasn't fair to either of them. But this…it was unbearable. She hated that she couldn't at least take Alice in her arms, to try to take the hurt away. But of course Alice wouldn't want to be touched by her--she was the cause of all the pain at this moment.

"You want to date Lara," Alice said flatly, cutting through the bullshit.

Dana winced. "Yes," she said quietly. "I'm so sorry, Al. God, I am so fucking sorry--"

"I know you are," Alice said, her voice still flat. "So, go on. Tell me everything. Don't spare my feelings or anything."

"Al--"

"Just spit it out, Dana. What do you want?"

"I want…I want to date her. But I love you, Al. Maybe we don't have to take a break," Dana said eagerly. "Can we still go on dating while--"

"No," Alice said flatly. "You know I'm not like that."

"I know," Dana agreed with a soft sigh. That was one of the things she loved about Alice. Dana averted her gaze so she would not have to watch Alice flinch. "It's not you, Alice," Dana said earnestly. "Do you have any idea how much I love you? But I can't…I can't take the doubting anymore," Dana said with a weary sigh. "Say you understand," Dana begged. "Please, say you understand."

"I understand," Alice said dully, and she did. Dana made sense. If Dana had been the first person she'd ever loved, then maybe she would be having doubts, too. Maybe. Alice was never the type of person to go into relationships thinking she would fall in love. If she fell in love, fine. If not, that was okay, too. But it was different with Dana. Alice had gone into it already in love, already sure that Dana was the one person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. It hurt to know the feeling wasn't reciprocated. But it was hardly unexpected. Though she'd believed Dana was the last person who would hurt her this way, a part of Alice knew it was coming. She knew it was coming from the way Dana would look at Lara, watch the chef enter or leave a room.

This was hardly unexpected. It just hurt like hell.

"I'm so sorry, Al. God. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I just really think I need to experience more, you know?" Dana said sincerely. "Let's just…let's take a break, okay? If you don't want to see me while I'm dating her---I totally understand. But let's take a break, okay?" Dana asked. It was perfect, really, at least in her mind. They could take a break, and Dana could sort things out. "Please. We won't break up," Dana begged. "We'll just….take a break."

"Okay," Alice said softly, standing up and picking up her bag.

"Al, wait. Where are you going?"

"I'll get my stuff later."

"Alice, please. No. Don't leave like this. Please!"

Alice didn't respond, instead, she proceeded to walk toward the door.

Dana went after her. "Let me drive you home," Dana begged. "You're too upset to drive. You could get hurt--"

Alice spun around and stared at Dana incredulously. She looked like she was going to say something and then seemed to change her mind. "I don't need you to do anything for me, Dana," Alice said flatly. "I would really appreciate it if you weren't here when I come back. I'll leave the key." Alice paused. "Can you leave the key to my place on the kitchen table, please?"

"Alice," Dana whispered. "Please. It can't be like this," she begged. "Don't make it like this." Oh, God. This wasn't going to be just a break. It was going to be a break-up. "It can't be like this." Dana whispered. It just couldn't.

Alice didn't respond.

"Al, please don't leave like this. I love you so much. You're my best friend. I need you. Please, Alice. Please say we can be friends through this. I just need to figure things out, Alice. I love you, I swear. God, Al. Please. Please don't leave like this!"

Alice continued to ignore her. She simply opened the door and started to walk outside.

Dana grabbed her arm. "Al, please. Please listen to what I have to say."

Alice pulled her arm away, and did not turn around. But she waited to hear what Dana had to say.

"Please, Al," Dana begged desperately. "You're my best friend. I can't lose you. Please don't let it be like this. I know you hate me right now, but please. Please forgive me. Please at least let me drive you home. I can't…I can't let you go like this. Please, Alice. Let me drive you home. You need time to think! I understand," Dana said earnestly. "But please let me drive you home!"

Alice said nothing and walked out of the door. Dana started to follow after her, but then Alice turned around, shut the door and walked away.

Dana opened the door and followed Alice out. "Alice, please. Let me drive you home," Dana begged running after the blonde.

Alice ignored her and proceeded to walk to her car, Dana following her the entire way.

"Alice, please," Dana begged, sobbing openly. "You don't have to talk to me. Just let me drive you home, Alice! Please! You shouldn't drive when you're upset."

Alice didn't respond. She unlocked her car, got inside, started her engine and drove away, leaving Dana staring forlornly as the car moved away from her. Dana reached into her pocket, intent on following Alice home to ensure Alice's safety and realized she didn't have her keys with her. "Fuck," Dana thought, running back into her condo to fetch her keys.

She didn't want it to be like this.

'It hurts,' Dana thought as she raced out of her condo to run to her car so she could follow Alice home. She'd been unable to keep Alice's heart safe, but the least she could do was make sure Alice was physically safe.

'It hurts,' Dana thought, hating herself for it. She had no right to think it hurt. But it did. It hurt. And if she was hurting this much, she could only imagine how hurt Alice was. 'Why does it have to hurt?' Dana thought, frantically looking for the familiar blue Mini, her heart pounding even harder when she realized she couldn't see it anywhere.

Why did it have to hurt?

-----

Helena craned her head when she saw a familiar woman walking down the street. The woman, a blonde, had her head bowed, and Helena strained to see if it was indeed Alice. Despite the woman's slumped shoulders, there was something familiar about the body posture and Helena was fairly sure, although not fully certain, she was looking at Alice. Then Helena caught sight of the brown Bulga bag Helena had given the journalist and Helena was able to confirm the woman was indeed Alice Pieszecki.

She felt a rare sense of excitement upon seeing Alice for the first time in over a month--she'd thought of the blonde journalist frequently, and started to call her on numerous occasions, but in the end, chose not to. It would be too strange and awkward, considering who Alice's friends were and though Helena didn't mind strangeness and awkwardness for herself, she didn't want to put Alice in an awkward position. She didn't want to pursue anything romantically, of course. Helena knew Alice was involved, but there was just something appealing about the idea of an involvement with Alice, even one that was purely platonic.

However, judging by the slumped set of shoulders, the bowed head and the heavy walk, Helena sensed something was wrong. If Alice's posture was any indication of her mood, something was terribly wrong. Troubled and concerned, Helena pulled over to the side of the road, not caring she was double- parked. She could afford the fine.

"Alice!" Helena called out, getting out of the car. She could hear motorists behind her honking and cursing, but she paid them no heed.

Alice didn't respond, though it was possible she hadn't heard Helena. Helena just wasn't the kind of person who shouted.

"Alice!" Helena called again, picking up her pace to follow after Alice.

She caught up to Alice and gently took the journalist by the arm.

Alice turned around, her eyes were obscured by sunglasses, but her nose was red. She'd clearly been crying. "Helena. Hi," Alice rasped. "Uhm…"

"Alice, what's the matter?" Helena gently asked, concerned, not caring she could hear people honking and shouting angrily about her double-parked car. It was obvious to her that something was terribly wrong.

Alice crossed her arms in front of her. "Nothing's wrong. I'm just…" Alice trailed off. "I need to go," Alice said vaguely. She surveyed her surroundings, looking lost. "I need to go," she repeated.

"Alice," Helena said gently, taking Alice's hand in hers. "Something's obviously wrong." Helena smiled kindly at her. "Where's your car?" Helena asked, glancing around for the blue Mini, but not seeing it. "Would you like a ride home?"

Alice sniffled. She didn't want to be walking around, not like this. But she was in no condition to drive. After she left Dana's, she drove around for less than a mile and realized Dana was right--she was too upset to drive. She hated Dana for being right. So she'd parked her car and sat there for an entire hour, staring at the car parked in front of her. She thought taking a walk would help, but it didn't. Nothing helped. She couldn't walk home. She couldn't drive and she couldn't just sit in her car and stare off into space. She wanted to go home.

She would appreciate a ride home.

"Yes," Alice whispered.

Instinctively, Helena put her arm around Alice and guided the blonde to her car. She opened the passenger seat and helped Alice in. "Are you comfortable?" Helena asked gently.

Alice nodded, but said nothing.

Helena reached up for the seatbelt and brought it across, securing Alice inside. Then she walked to her side of the door, ignoring the shouts and the honks from other motorists who were clearly angry she was double parked and taking up space in the lane and were getting ready to beat her with sticks. What did she care?

Alice was silent as Helena drove, though the dark-haired woman could sense Alice was close to tears. Alice's lower lip was trembling intermittently and the blonde would clamp down on it, as if to prevent herself from crying. Helena could remember doing the same as a child every time her mother would chastise her and Helena hoped the blonde would let herself cry when she got home. Helena drove cautiously, the way she drove when her children were newly born infants and she thought even the slightest movement could jar them and damage them for life. She wanted to be as careful as possible while driving Alice home--Alice's fragility was obvious and she wanted to protect that.

"Alice," Helena said speaking for the first time since getting back into her car. Helena's voice low and comforting. "You helped me through some very difficult days…if there's anything you want to talk about--"

"No," Alice whispered. "No." She crossed her arms over her chest and forced a smile. "Thank you though. But there's nothing wrong, nothing I want to talk about."

Helena glanced at her worriedly. "All right," she agreed. She didn't want to force anything. She kept one hand on the steering wheel and touched Alice's knee with the other. "You don't have to talk to me," Helena said quietly. "But are you sure you're all right?" Helena asked softly.

The gentle inquiry seemed to set Alice off, who then burst into tears.

Somewhat alarmed, Helena pulled over to the side of the road, this time finding a proper parking space at a meter. "Alice?"

Alice cried harder, her heart-wrenching sobs were the only sound in the car. Helena quickly took off her seatbelt, undid Alice's and enveloped the blonde in a hug, holding onto the blonde tightly. Helena said nothing, choosing to just let the blonde cry.

Alice's arms reached around, and she clung to Helena as she sobbed uncontrollably, crying harder as time passed rather than calming down.

Helena simply held her and stroked the blond head of hair, comfortingly and just allowed the woman to cry. Alice's tears were wet on her shoulder, and she had to wonder what could make Alice cry in such a heart-rending way. Though she barely knew Alice, the blonde had been good to her in a way no adult, save her deceased father, had been. This made Helena feel protective of her, and she hated the person who was the cause of this just on principle. From her own experience, Helena could only remember three occasions when she'd cried the way Alice was crying--when her father died, when she miscarried and when Winnie left her. Helena's suspicions were confirmed when Alice pulled away, mumbling an apology, seeming to have cried herself out and finally spoke.

Alice took off her sunglasses and rubbed her hands across her eyes. "She broke up with me," Alice said flatly, her face trembling. "Dana," Alice rasped, "she broke up with me," Alice whispered, her voice beginning to waver. Alice sucked in a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself, but found it didn't help. "She broke up with me," Alice said again, her voice reflecting her aching sadness. "She broke up with me," Alice repeated hoarsely, looking as though she would be ill at any moment.

"I am so sorry," Helena whispered, wanting desperately to comfort this woman who was so obviously in pain, but having no idea how to do so.

"She doesn't think I'm the one," Alice said, so softly Helena just barely heard her.

"Alice--"

Alice turned to Helena. "She told me she wasn't sure," Alice said, with a sickly smile. "So she wants to date other people." Alice swallowed visibly, her mouth twisted as she fought not to cry again. "She said she wanted to keep dating me, but…" Alice felt her throat clench and her eyes filled with tears. She didn't want to cry again. She thought was all cried out, but she wasn't.

Helena swelled with compassion for Alice and anger toward Dana. "I'm so sorry," Helena said again. She did not know what else she could say.

Alice turned to Helena. "I don't think she really loved me," Alice whispered, rubbing angrily at her eyes. "She said she did, but I don't think it's true. Or else…how could she do this to me?"

"I don't know," Helena whispered helplessly. These types of conversations weren't her specialty. She never had them with Winnie and she never had any close friends she could do this kind of thing with. This was new to her and she had no idea what to do. She wanted so badly to take the pain away, because she hated seeing anyone in pain, but it felt especially terrible that Alice was in pain when she was fairly sure Alice was the kindest person she'd ever met.

"I'm so tired," Alice said wearily, resting her head against the window.

Helena reached down and took Alice's hand in hers and squeezed gently. "I'm going to take you home," she said quietly. She brushed her hand across Alice's cheek. "You should rest afterward."

Alice turned to look at Helena and nodded dully. "Yeah," Alice said quietly. "I just…I'm really tired…" Alice said her voice trailing off.

"I know," Helena said quietly. "I'm going to take you home, and you can rest all you need to."

Alice didn't respond. She turned away and stared out the window. Helena gazed at her, trying to ascertain if it was all right to start driving again, or if she should wait. It was obvious Alice needed to go home and rest, but Helena was uncertain if she should start driving again--the possibility Alice could start crying again was present, and she wanted to be able to comfort Alice as much as she could without being encumbered by driving. .

"Helena?" Alice asked quietly.

Helena turned to Alice. "Yes?"

"Thank-you," Alice said tearfully, her voice tiny.

"You're welcome," Helena said softly. "I'm going to take you home," Helena said reassuringly before she started the car.

They drove in silence. Alice stared vacantly out the window, clearly lost in thought. Helena drove cautiously, glancing worriedly at Alice at every stoplight and stop sign. Helena glanced at Alice who was resting her head against the side window and made a choice. Alice had helped her on two separate occasions without any ulterior motives, without being asked or cajoled into it. No one had ever done that for her, and Helena made a choice at the moment.

Whatever Alice needed or asked for, she would provide it, no matter what the cost. Anything Alice asked for would be hers.

-----

Dana was waiting in front of the apartment when Alice and Helena walked up to it.

"Alice, I--" Dana trailed off. "What are you doing here?" Dana asked, frowning at Helena.

"Taking her home," Helena said simply, stating the obvious, though she was angry to see Dana, who had been the cause of all this pain for Alice. Helena could not believe the gall.

Alice said nothing, she merely fished her keys out of her bag with some difficulty, opened it, and held it open. "Do you want to come in?" she asked Helena, her voice rough from crying.

Helena nodded slightly.

Dana winced at the quality of Alice's voice and unconsciously took a step closer to Alice, who retreated from her. Dana flinched and then stepped back. "Al--" Dana said.

Alice ignored her. Alice took Helena by the hand, and pulled her inside and then closed the door behind, leaving Dana outside.

"Al!" Dana called out. "Alice!" Dana kicked the door in frustration. "Damn it," Dana cursed.

Dana pounded on the door. "Al," Dana shouted desperately. "I'm so sorry. Please--" Dana trailed off. She really had nothing left to say.

Once she got her keys from the condo, she drove around the routes Alice could possibly take to get back to her apartment. She drove around looking for Alice for half an hour, wondering where the blonde could have gone off to, and finally gave up driving when she did not catch sight of the blue Mini. She went to Alice's apartment and knocked on the door for twenty minutes. She had been reluctant to use her key, knowing Alice would not want her inside her apartment anymore. But her concern for Alice outweighed everything else and she let herself in with her key, praying Alice would be there. But Alice was nowhere, and Dana went back out into the city, searching frantically for Alice and listening to the traffic report, fearing she would hear something about an accident. Then she looked for Alice at Bette and Tina's, Shane and Carmen's and at the Planet. Alice had been at none of these places. She finally went back to Alice's apartment, let herself in again, and saw that Alice still had not come home. She finally decided to wait it out in one place-- Alice would have to come back home sometime, after all. She walked back out of Alice's apartment and waited for the blonde to come home, not caring how long she had to wait, as long as she could make sure Alice was okay. She worried Alice would do something foolish or rash and she'd been pacing the hall when Alice and Helena walked up to the door.

Though she had been relieved to see Alice, she was both confused and jealous to see Alice had been with Helena Peabody. And she was suspicious of the heiress. Still, at least Alice was physically in one piece. "Alice," Dana yelled. "I'm so sorry. I just wanted to see you were safe…I'll--I'll check on you later!" Dana called out, hoping the blonde could hear her. "Please--please let me check on you later," Dana pleaded, ignoring the looks from Alice's passing neighbors. Other neighbors had opened their front door to see what all the commotion was about, but she didn't care. She had to make Alice hear her. "I'm sorry, Al. I'll… I'll talk to you soon!"

Alice and Helena stood on the other side of the door as Dana shouted this. Alice rested her head against the door the entire time, her eyes tightly shut as she let Dana's words wash over her, looking as though she were going to cry again. Alice gazed into the peephole and watched Dana walk away.

Helena wrapped her arm comfortingly around Alice's shoulders. "Where's your bedroom, darling?" she murmured softly. "You should rest now."

Alice pointed vaguely in its direction.

"All right, then," Helena said, "let's get you into bed."

Helena guided Alice toward the bedroom, and opened the door. "Do you want to get changed?"

Alice shook her head numbly.

"All right, then," Helena said quietly. She helped Alice to the bed. Helena pulled back the covers and Alice crawled in face down and buried her face into her pillow. Helena brought up the sheets up and then crouched down next to the bed. "Is there anything I can do for you?" she asked gently.

Alice didn't respond.

Helena hesitated for a moment and then stood up. "All right," she said quietly before she walked out of the room and shut the door behind her. Helena sighed and walked into the living room, glancing around and then walked to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator to survey its contents. Helena couldn't help but smile when seeing it was rather barren.

She wasn't sure how to provide words of comfort--that had never been her forte, but she did know how to cook, and Helena thought could at least provide Alice a meal or two. Or fourteen. She knew Alice would certainly not be up to getting groceries, and depression tended to bring out the self-neglect aspects of everyone's character. 'She has to eat,' Helena thought. She grabbed Alice's keys which the blonde had tossed onto the desk, so she could let herself back into the apartment and decided it was time to get Alice some groceries.

She was relieved when she stepped outside the apartment and Dana was gone. She was not in the mood for a confrontation. Though a part of her felt that if Dana were truly penitent and really cared, she would still be there, waiting for Alice. Helena shook her head. It was none of her business, really, and she probably should not get involved, but she'd already made a choice to give Alice anything she asked for, anything she wanted or needed.

She was already involved.

----

Alice finally got out of bed and rubbed her head blearily. Her throat felt dry and she hauled herself to her feet to get a drink of water. She wanted to stay in bed forever and never come out, but thirst tended to compel people into getting out of bed. She trudged to the door, pausing when she realized she smelled something cooking and could hear someone in the kitchen. She was momentarily angry, thinking it was Dana and then realized the food smelled…well, too good to be Dana. 'Maybe it's Lara,' Alice thought humorlessly. 'Maybe this is her way of doing penance,' though she didn't believe Lara was really in her kitchen.

Alice frowned, wondering who it could be. She didn't really feel like seeing anyone at the moment, she just wanted to get a drink of water and go back into bed and stay there for the rest of her life. Idly, she wondered how much alcohol she had in the apartment. She opened the door and walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where she saw Helena Peabody wrapping Saran-wrap around a plate of food.

"Helena?" Alice asked in confusion. She remembered, of course, that Helena gave her a ride home. God, that felt so long ago. But she didn't expect the woman to stick around, and she certainly didn't expect to find the woman cooking in her kitchen.

Helena looked up at her and smiled shyly. "I don't…I'm not very adept at matters of the heart," Helena explained softly. "But I wanted to do…something." Helena trailed off. "For when you get your appetite back," Helena said simply, gesturing to the plates and Tupperware containers filled with food. Helena smiled tentatively at her. "There's strawberry and coffee ice cream in the freezer if you want it," Helena offered. Whilst shopping, Helena recalled once hearing about Alice's favorite ice cream flavors when Helena still dated Tina. The topic had come up because Shane was making a comparison that lovers were like ice cream flavors, and some people had a favorite they wouldn't mind eating for the rest of their lives and other people liked them all. They'd laughed at Alice who had two favorite ice cream flavors and Dana had called her a "dirty bisexual." Breakups always seemed an ideal time to eat ice cream.

"This is too sweet of you," Alice mumbled, leaning against the counter. "But it's too much."

Helena smiled at her. "I know you won't feel like eating now, but I hoped…" Helena shrugged. "You'll have to eat something soon," Helena said, brushing a lock of hair out of Alice's eyes. "And I like to cook. This was all I knew…" Helena shrugged.

Alice smiled at her, though Helena's words served to remind her of Lara Perkins. "It smells delicious," Alice said sincerely.

Helena blushed.

"You didn't have to do this though," Alice said as she walked to the refrigerator to get a bottle of water. She opened it and realized it was fully stocked. "Holy--Helena!" Alice exclaimed, the surprise momentarily breaking through the depression. "You stocked my fridge," Alice said, turning to look at Helena, shocked. "You didn't have to do this."

Helena shrugged and gazed into Alice's eyes. "I want to repay you for everything you've done for me and my family," she said honestly.

"I didn't do anything," Alice said, her voice strangely flat. "It was nothing."

"It was," Helena said earnestly, grabbing one of Alice's hands and holding it up to her chest. "And I want you to know, if there's anything I can do for you--anything at all, I will do it."

Alice forced a smile. "What's that," Alice asked, pointing to two Tupperware containers.

"Spinach ravioli," Helena said with a smile, pointing to the pasta. "And a simple white sauce," she said, pointing to the sauce. She already knew Alice was fond of spinach gnocchi, she hoped that fondness would be extended to spinach ravioli as well.

Alice picked up the container holding the pasta. "Did you make this yourself?" she asked, peering at it. The ravioli was slightly larger than most store-bought raviolis and had the slightly imperfect look of homemade pasta.

Helena blushed. "I had time."

"Wow," Alice said, softly. "Thank-you." She wanted to be gracious and try something--Helena had made enough food to keep her stocked for a month. Not just the ravioli, but chicken salads, cold pasta salads, corn, soup and other foods. But she just didn't have the appetite. 'It must have taken forever for her to do this, especially in my kitchen,' Alice thought. She glanced around and looked out through the window, observing it was dark outside. Since it was August which got dark relatively late in the evening, she realized she must have slept for hours. "What time is it?" Alice asked quietly.

Helena smiled at her. "About midnight."

"Shit," Alice said quietly. She looked thoughtful. "Hey. What about your kids?" Alice asked. It was Saturday…well, technically Sunday, now, she supposed. That meant Wilson and Jun Ying's baby-sitter wasn't working.

"They're at camp," Helena said softly.

Alice looked at her a moment and then smiled. "It's killing you, isn't it?" she asked.

Helena chuckled throatily. "Yes." She looked at Alice worriedly. "How are you, Alice?" she asked gently.

Alice looked away and bit down on her lip. She was not going to cry again. She'd already cried enough for one day. Maybe even a lifetime. "Not so good," she admitted weakly, her voice beginning to shake.

Helena looked sympathetically at her and then wordlessly hugged Alice.

Alice eyes filled with tears and she clung onto Helena for the second time in less than twenty-four hours, and they remained that way for a long time.

Eventually, Alice pulled away, and wiped her eyes. She laughed softly, though it sounded hollow to both their ears. "Thanks," Alice said. "For all this." She sighed and then glanced at all the food Helena made for her. "It smells great, all of it," Alice said. She glanced out the window again. "You've must have been cooking for like, nine hours," Alice commented.

Helena shrugged.

"I'm sorry for keeping you," Alice said softly.

Helena looked into her eyes. "You weren't keeping me," Helena said quietly

Alice smiled wryly at her. "You must have had better things to do on a Saturday night than this."

Helena shrugged. "Well," Helena said, wiping her hands on a towel. "I'm done here," she said, sensing things would get awkward. "I should get going, but…would you like a ride to your car so you might collect it?" Helena looked at her solicitously. "Are you up to driving?" Helena asked gently. "I could arrange for it to be brought here."

Alice shook her head. "No…I feel…well, not great. But I'm okay. Thanks though." Sleeping helped and the fog she initially felt after sleeping for so long was beginning to lift. "A ride to my car would be great, thanks."

"All right," Helena agreed.

The two left Alice's apartment and got into Helena's car. Alice cocked her head to the side, suddenly curious by the lights flashing on Helena's stereo and realized it was still on, though the volume was turned down low. "What are you listening to?" Alice asked, reaching out to turn up the volume dial.

Helena turned to look at her. "Oh, it's--"

' Come back come back/Why can't you see/Come back come back/Come back to me'.

Horrified by the inappropriate timing of the lyrics, Helena immediately reached out and slammed her hand on her stereo, turning it off.

"The Cure," Alice said, casually. "It's a good song."

"I'm sorry," Helena apologized, mortified. "I was listening to the CD before I saw you and--"

Alice waved off her apology. "It's a good song," Alice said. "It's a CD?"

Helena nodded slowly, glancing at Alice to try and ascertain what the reporter was thinking.
"Let's hear it from the beginning, okay?" Alice asked.

Helena nodded.

Alice turned up the volume to the stereo which was already playing another song. "This is a good song, too" Alice said before she hit the back button. "You have good taste in music," Alice commented as the opening bars to 'In Between Days' filtered through the speakers. She realized Helena's CD was a mix CD, and even through her depression, she found that a little endearing.

They drove in silence, simply listening to the song until the next song popped up.

"Turn on the next street," Alice said.

Helena obliged and then spotted the blue Mini and pulled up next to it so that the passenger door of her car aligned with the driver's side of the Mini.

"Thanks," Alice said

"You're welcome," Helena smiled.

Alice moved to get out, even opening the door and then stopped. "Helena?" she asked.

"Yes?"

Alice turned to her and smiled hesitantly. "Could we just drive around for a while? I mean, if you aren't busy."

"Of course," Helena agreed immediately, smiling at Alice. .

Alice grinned at her and shut the door. "Cool."

Helena took the top down on her car because it just felt like the thing to do, and Alice turned up the volume on the stereo and the two women drove in silence, listening to music as the wind passed through their hair.

Alice smiled at Helena as the woman maneuvered her way through the Mulholland Drive. "This isn't the kind of stuff I expected you to listen to," Alice mused.

Helena blushed. "You always seem to say that to me."

Alice laughed, though Helena could hear it was substantially weaker than her usual laugh. "I know," Alice said, shrugging. "But Erasure? Billy Idol? The Cure? The Smiths?" Alice chuckled. "I'm having an '80s flashback."

Helena chuckled. "It's a fondness of mine," she admitted.

"Oh. My. God." Alice exclaimed as the next song came on. "You did not put this song on a CD," Alice laughed.

Helena laughed. "What?" she asked, with mock defensiveness. "It's an excellent song."

Alice shook her head. "Oh God," she said laughing. "I can not believe Helena Peabody likes 'It Never Rains in Southern California,'" Alice exclaimed. She laughed again and began singing along with the lyrics. "Got on a board a west bound 747," Alice sang. "Didn't think before deciding what to do. All that talk of opportunities, TV breaks and movies rang true, sure rang true," Alice sang, laughingly.

Helena chuckled, noticing Alice had a very good singing voice though she was being more playful than serious about singing along.

Alice and Helena glanced at one another, formed a silent agreement and then the two turned to face the road. "Seems it never rain in Southern California," they sang together as loudly as they could, as Alice waved her arms through the air. "Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before. It never rains in California, but girl, don't they warn ya? It pours, man, it pours," Alice and Helena sang loudly, collapsing so hard into giggles, Helena had to pull over to gasp for breath.

Alice and Helena sat there, catching their breaths from laughing. Helena turned off the engine, but kept the car itself on, so they could listen to the stereo. Alice pushed back her seat to the reclining position and indicated for Helena to follow suit, who willingly obliged. They gazed up at the sky through the open top in companionable silence, simply listening to the music.

Finally, Alice sat up.

Helena sat up as well. "Alice?" she asked.

Alice reached over and turned off the car all the way, but left the keys in the ignition.

Helena looked at her in confusion.

"You're going to kill your battery," Alice said softly, before she lay back down and pulled on Helena's arm to urge the woman to do the same.

Helena laughed and lay back down as well.

They sat in silence for a few moments until Alice spoke again.

"Helena?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you doing this for me?" Alice asked.

Helena was quiet for a moment before she spoke. "You were kind to me," Helena answered honestly. "For no reason. You had nothing to gain from being kind to me, and you were anyway." Helena shrugged. "People are not kind to me just to be kind," Helena said frankly. "And you were. I suppose I wanted to try and do the same for you."

Alice nodded slightly. "Oh," she breathed. She turned her head to look at Helena, who did the same. "Then you must have deserved better your entire life," Alice said softly.

Helena chuckled. "I didn't mean to turn this into a pity party for me," she said.

Alice laughed, low and long. "How could you? I'm turning this into a pity party for myself."

Helena looked at her sympathetically. "You're entitled," Helena said softly. "You've been through…an ordeal," Helena said, blinking rapidly at her choice in words. 'An ordeal,' Helena thought, thinking back to the psychic.

Alice looked at her intently. "Are you okay?" she asked, puzzled by the abrupt change in Helena's expression.

Helena nodded. "Fine," she breathed. "I should be asking you that. Are you all right?"

Alice pushed her face into the car seat. "I'll survive," she said softly. "You know, I sort of…well, I kind of knew this would happen one day. She never quite got over this ex of hers. They were involved but never really…well, it never quite took off and I knew Dana was still kind of into Lara. So…" Alice shrugged. "It's really not so surprising," Alice said, swallowing hard, trying to dislodge the lump that had formed in her throat. "At least she was honest with me." Alice said with a sigh. "It's not like she cheated on me."

Helena flinched, almost imperceptibly, though Alice caught it.

Alice gazed at her. "Did your ex cheat on you?" she asked softly.

Helena bit her lip and nodded slightly. 'Countless times,' Helena thought with an inward sigh. That should have been a dead giveaway that Winnie didn't love her, but she'd wanted to believe Winnie loved her, so she turned a blind eye.

Alice grinned weakly. "Who would be stupid enough to cheat on you?" Alice asked. Helena was hot, smart, rich and actually really funny and definitely sweet. Alice couldn't imagine the stupidity of the person who would cheat with all that to come home to.

Helena laughed ironically and then looked into Alice's eyes, "who would be stupid enough to let you go?" she asked sincerely.

They stayed in the car in silence for a couple more hours, until Alice observed Helena was dozing off and suggested they go home.

"What is this song?" Alice asked Helena, noticing the song was a marked departure from the mix of '70s and '80s songs they'd spent most of the night listening to.

"It's called 'Flicker,' by Saucy Monky," Helena said. "They spell it without the 'e'."

"It fits me exactly," Alice said with a slight laugh, listening to the lyrics.

Helena winced. "I'm sorry," she said, reaching to turn it down

"No, no," Alice said with a smile. "I want to hear it." She turned up the volume so she could hear the song more clearly.

"Then it starts again
I feel my heart flicker
Am I invisible?
Watching you watching her
I feel the lights die out
As I recall
You don't really want me at all"

"It's good," Alice said softly. "I like it." Alice paused. "Even if they do spell monkey without the 'e'." She grinned at Helena who smiled back.

"Good," Helena breathed, relieved. She made a face. She'd made the CD after she and Winnie broke up, mostly to cheer herself up, but she'd put that one song on the CD on a whim because every CD needs the song one can brood to. "I don't quite understand the need to leave out the 'e' in monkey," Helena said, "but…" Helena shrugged.

Alice smiled wryly at her. "My editor at my college newspaper would have loved you," she remarked.

Helena smiled at her and then realized the street where Alice had parked her car was coming up and turned on her signal light. Helena pulled up next to Alice's car, feeling a little guilty she wasn't walking the woman to the door of her home, but that wasn't going to happen tonight.
She hit the 'eject' button on her stereo and pulled out the CD and passed it to Alice. "You seem to like the Saucy Monky song," Helena said with a shrug when Alice looked at her curiously. Alice replayed the song three times by the time Helena pulled up at her car. Helena didn't mind.

"I couldn't--"

"I have another copy at home."

Alice took the proffered CD hesitantly and smiled when she saw that Helena had neatly written out each track's artist and name. "I do this, too," she said, holding up the CD.

Helena smiled. "Do you?"

Alice smiled. "Yeah." She sighed softly. "Okay," she said quietly. "Thank you for everything," Alice said, as she got out of the car. She paused before she shut the door. "This was one of the worst days of my life, and you made it better," Alice said peering into the car and smiling genuinely at Helena. "Thank-you," Alice said simply, before she shut the door. She waved.

Helena waved back. She waited for Alice to get into her car, but the blonde turned back and knocked softly on the window, which Helena immediately rolled down.

Alice crouched down and peered into the car so she could look into Helena's eyes. "We should definitely do this again."

Helena beamed at her. "We should," she agreed.

"I'll call you sometime this week," Alice said. She looked at Helena with concern. "Are you going to be okay driving home? You were falling asleep back at Mulholland."

Helena waved her off concern. "I'll be fine."

"Well, still," Alice said. "I feel like you're sleepy because of me. I slept for, like, nine hours and you spent all that time cooking me food. If you're sleepy, I can follow you back to your place to make sure you get home okay."

"I'll be fine," Helena said, charmed by Alice's concern even though Alice's heart had been shattered not so long ago. "Really. I'm fine. You need not follow me home. Go home and rest."

"Still," Alice insisted. "If you won't let me follow you home, then call me when you get there to let me know you got there safely, okay?"

"Okay," Helena agreed with a smile.

"Promise?" Alice asked. "I'll be up, you know. I'm not going back to sleep because I slept for so long, so you don't have to worry about being polite or something."

"I promise," Helena said softly.

"Do you still have my number?" Alice asked.

Helena nodded. "I do," she said softly. She'd looked at it so often in the past month, she'd memorized it "I'll call," she said, feeling thrilled she would have a reason for calling Alice now.

Alice grinned at her. "Good. Okay." She sighed shakily. "I was a wreck, you know. Earlier, I mean. I feel better now and that's mostly because of you" she said. She paused. "Maybe it's all because of you," Alice mused aloud. Alice grinned, waved and then turned to get into her car.

Helena watched as Alice turned on her headlights and started her car. Alice waved at her again and Helena waved back.

Helena put her car into 'drive' and drove away, glancing in the rearview mirror to catch a glimpse of the blue Mini.

-----

'Buyer's remorse,' Dana thought ruefully. She was feeling something closely akin to buyer's remorse, though perhaps what she was feeling was its opposite--rather than feeling remorse over an acquisition, she felt remorse over something she'd effectively discarded. She could not believe she ended things with Alice--that didn't feel right, and yet, it felt like something she had to do. But it still hurt. Dana rubbed her face and groaned. This was an awful situation.

Exactly one week had passed and Alice still had not returned any of her calls. Or any of Dana's many emails. The blonde never answered her door when Dana went over either though Dana knew Alice was inside. She could faintly hear music or the television. She tried calling Alice at work, but the blonde wouldn't take her calls at either LA Weekly or KCRW. She knew it was wrong to call Alice at work, that Alice would be furious at her for it, but she couldn't help it, though she did think it was a good sign that Alice was going to work. She needed to at least hear Alice's voice. She needed to know Alice was okay. And Alice just wasn't talking to her. Or their friends. By now, all their friends knew about the break-up and Alice wasn't returning any of their calls either. Dana was getting worried and she couldn't stand that Alice wasn't talking to her.

When she got home from Alice's that Saturday, one week prior, she pulled Alice's key off her keychain and dutifully left it on her kitchen table just as Alice asked. She stared at it and sat at the table and sobbed. Then she went into her bedroom and slept for twelve hours.

Monday, she came home from her evening workout at the gym, and something felt…off. The moment she walked into her condo, she sensed something was off, but nothing looked out of the ordinary, at least not at first glance. She walked into the kitchen for a glass of juice and saw there was a key on the table, and she immediately knew what had happened before she even walked over to the table to pick up the key to confirm her fears. She hoped she was wrong, but she wasn't. The key to Alice's apartment was no longer on the kitchen table, in its place was the key to Dana's condo and Dana realized the blonde had dropped by while Dana was having her evening workout and surmised Alice deliberately avoided her. Dana didn't blame her. If the situations were reversed, she might have done the same.

There was a box on one of the chairs, and Dana sat down heavily and perused it. Everything in it belonged to her. Everything she'd either kept or left at Alice's were now in this box, and it all felt so much more real, this break-up. It wasn't a break, Dana realized. It was a break-up.

Dana walked around her apartment to survey the apartment for changes.

The changes were little, really. The CDs Alice brought over because she said Dana had crappy taste in music and she couldn't stay around and listen to Mariah Carey all the time were gone, as well some research books Alice had left by mistake a month ago while she was writing an article. Dana walked to her closet and saw that clothes Alice kept at her apartment were gone. The spare toothbrush Alice kept at the apartment was in the garbage can in the bathroom--obviously Alice had felt that she wouldn't need it again. The changes were small, but Dana couldn't help but fixate on them. It was all she could think about. All of Alice's little additions that made the condo feel more homey were gone and Dana missed them instantly. She missed Alice.

Now, one week after she broke up with Alice, Dana stared at the empty spaces in her entertainment shelf where Alice's CDs had once been and wondered if she made a mistake. It hurt too much, and she didn't even want to think about dating anyone else, which had been the whole point, really. If she didn't want to date anyone, then what was the point in doing what she did? Was it all for nothing?

But even if she begged Alice to take her back, Dana would still be in the same position. She would still have doubts, she would still feel the need for more experience.

But it was tempting to beg Alice to take her back. To tell the blonde she didn't mean it, that she didn't know what the hell she was talking back. It hurt so much to know Alice didn't want to talk to her, to know that Alice was deliberately avoiding her. She broke the heart of the woman she loved, and she'd lost her best friend in the process.

Though she felt she did the right thing, Dana felt an ocean of regret. She hated that it would be like this. She already missed Alice more than she could comprehend or articulate, and she didn't know how she could ever fix any of this. And she desperately wanted to fix it.

She continued to stare broodingly at the empty spaces where Alice's things once occupied them. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be.

There was a soft knock on the door, and Dana stood up to answer it.

"Alice!" Dana exclaimed, her eyes lighting up. She reached for Alice, to pull her inside, but the blonde pulled away.

"Hey."