Joke Index:

  1. Golf Jokes
  2. College Jokes
  3. Lawyer Jokes
  4. Dr. Tom's Jokes
  5. Grier's Jokes
  6. Miscellaneous Jokes
  7. ALL-Time Best Jokes
  8. Quotes
  9. Things that make you say "Huh"
  10. Deep Thoughts




Golf

Blind Fire Fighters A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: "Whats with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" Doctor: "I dont know but I've never seen such ineptitude!" Priest: "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." The greens keeper approches and the priest says "They are rather slow arent they?" Greens keeper: "Oh, yes. Thats a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their site while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge." (silence) Priest: "Thats so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." Doctor: "Good idea. And Im going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." Engineer: "Why cant these guys play at night?"

College Jokes

Final Exam Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time Limit: 4 hours. HISTORY Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. MEDICINE You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes. PUBLIC SPEAKING Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek. BIOLOGY Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parlimentary system. Prove your thesis. MUSIC Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. PSYCHOLOGY Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate. SOCIOLOGY Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your hypothesis. MANAGEMENT SCIENCE Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs. ENGINEERING The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted into the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision. ECONOMICS Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question. POLITICAL SCIENCE There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any. EPISTEMOLOGY Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position. PHYSICS Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answers an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science. PHILOSOPHY Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. ***EXTRA CREADIT*** Define the universe; give three examples.

Lawyer Jokes

The Lawyer and the Engineer An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer? A Sign from God A lawyer and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the men is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the lawyer sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a lawyer. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The lawyer continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the lawyer. The lawyer takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The lawyer replies, "No...I'm going to wait for the police." Lawyer Joke 1 A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heavan at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes. Then they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool. At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer gets a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters. By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge. "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?" The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had." Misc. Lawyer Jokes Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them. Do you have lunch or go to a movie? The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you. I'll increase your income ten-fold. Your partners will love you, your clients will respect you, you'll have four months of vacation each year and you will live to be one hundred years old. All I require in return is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's' souls, and their children's' soul where they will rot in hell for all eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?" You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shot the lawyer. Twice.

Dr. Tom's Jokes

A Bear in Birmingham Dr. Tom A bear walks into a bar in Birmingham and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Birmingham." The bear demands a drink, but the bartender keeps refusing. Finally, the bear, glancing over at a woman sitting on a stool near him, says, "Either give me a beer, or I'll eat this woman sitting next to me." The bartender still refuses, so the bear leans over the woman. "Now, get me a drink, or you're next." The bartender shrugs. "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears on drugs." The bear says, "I haven't taken any drugs." But the bartender replies, "Well, that was a barbituate." Room for Rent A prosperous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl. She agread to spend the night with him for $500.00. When morning came, he told her that he didn't have the money with him, but would have his secretary write a check for it and mail it to her, calling it "rent for apartment". On the way to the office the following morning, he decided the whole thing wasn't worth the price he had agreed to pay, so he had his secretary send a check for $250.00, accompanied by the following note : Dear Madame: Enclosed please find a check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because, when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1. It had never been occupied. 2. There was plenty of heat. 3. It was small. Last night, I found it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. - Very truly yours, ect. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note : Dear Sir: I cannot understand how you can expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat, there was plenty of it, you just didn't know how to turn it on. And as for the size, it is not my fault that you dont have enough furniture. BOBBIT HILLBILLIES
THE BALLAD OF THE BOBBIT HILLBILLIES (To be sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies")
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John, A poor ex-Marine with a little fraction gone. It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, She chopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife. (Penis, that is... Little buddy, severed) Well, the next thing you knoww, there's a Ginsu by his side, And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride. She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend, So she tossed him out the window as she rounded the next bend. (Curve, that is... Once hung, now flung) She went to the cops and confessed to the attack, And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back. They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over there," To John Wayne's peter that was wavin' in the air. (Found, that is... By the fence, evidence) Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long, So a dick-doc said, "Hey, I can fix your little dong! A needle and some thread is just the stuff you need." Then the world held its breath 'til they heard that Johnny peed. (Pissed, that is... Stitched seem, straight stream) Well, he healed and he hardened, and he took his case to court, With a cockeyed lawyer (since his assets came up short) They cleared her of assault, and acquitted him of rape, And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape. (Video, that is... CASE IS CLOSED NOW, YA HEAR!) Clinton's trade Bill's cat, Socks, having escaped from the White House and gotten run over in rush-hour traffic, the Clinton's decided to console themselves with a new dog. So they got a beautiful golden retriever. One morning the President took the dog for a walk in the Rose Garden behind the private quarters of the White House. A new Secret Service agent was on duty at the security entrance, and he was stiff and afraid. President Clinton decided to warm him up and put him at ease by talking to him like a neighbor. "Nice morning, isn't it?" said the Prez as he sauntered up to the young man, dog in tow. "Yes sir, it's a nice morning, sir." replied the Secret Service man, military-fashion. "Really good weather we're having today," said Bill, trying to make small talk. "Oh yes, sir, it's really beautiful weather," repeated the agent. "Don't you like our new dog?" queried the Chief Exec. "Yessir, he's a good-looking dog, sir," responded the agent. "I got him for Hillary, you know," said Bill. "Good trade, sir," answered the agent. Hillary's Seat President Clinton, Vice-President Gore, and Hillary Clinton were all riding on the same plane, when it crashed and killed everyone on board. Later that day, their souls arrived at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter waved them right on through. Inside the Heavenly City they waited for God. Sternly, He looked at Clinton and asked, "Who are you?" "Well, until this morning I was Bill Clinton, President of the United States," replied the deceased Chief Executive. "Very well," said God. "You may sit at my right hand." Next, God asked who Gore was, and upon big Al's reply, He said that Gore could sit at His left. "And who are you?" God inquired of Hillary's soul as it approached Him. "My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton," said her shade, "and I believe that you're sitting in my seat."

Grier's Jokes

Personal Ads A lady is at a bar and the bartender asks her if she has ever been married. She replies that she has been married (and divorced) three times. Bartender: You must be doing something wrong! How could you divorce three different guys? Lady: Well the first guy, he beat me. So I had to divorce him. My second husband ran out on me, so I had no choice but to divorce him. And my third husband, well, he was no good in bed. I finally couldn't stand it, so I left him. Bartender: Well, those seem like pretty good reasons. Why don't you put an ad in the personals listing those three bad qualities and maybe you can find yourself a good man. The woman thought that was a good idea so she put an ad in the personals the next day. About a week later the doorbell rang. She went and answered it and there was a man in a wheelchair, with no arms and no legs. Lady: May I help you? Man: Yes, I am here about the personal ad! Lady: (a bit skeptical) Are you sure? You know, there were three criteria that you had to meet. Man: I know. The first one was about beating you, right? Well, I don't have any arms, so I sure cant beat you. The second said that you wanted a man who wasn't going to run out on you. Well, I don't have any legs, so I sure am not going to run out on you. Lady: And the third quality? Man: Well I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

Miscellaneous Jokes

Things you do not want to hear during surgery. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that....uh...that uh....thingie. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Darn, there go the lights again... "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.. What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all. Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change....! Anyone see where I left that scalpel? And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce"! She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!! Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!! How to Get the Job How to get the job you've always wanted. Herbert A Millington Chair - Search Committee Whitson University College Hill, MA 34109 Dear Professor Millington, Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applications, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants. Sincerely, Chris L. Jensen Bart Simpson For those of you who don't watch the Simpons, part of the opening credits show Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard -- reminiscent of the whole "write it 100 times" punishment, which establishes him as the troublemaker. Each episode is usually different. Someone went through the trouble of writing down what Bart is writing in every episode. I just stole them, and here they are : I will not carve gods. I will not spank others. I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I'm sick. I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills. Funny noises are not funny. I will not snap bras. I will not fake seizures. This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death. I will not defame New Orleans. I will not prescribe medication. I will not bury the new kid. I will not teach others to fly. I will not bring sheep to class. A burp is not an anwer. Teacher is not a leper. Coffee is not for kids. I will not eat things for money. I will not yell "She's dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a frisbee. I will not call the principal "spud head". Goldfish don't bounce. Mud is not one of the four food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I will not sell miracle cures. I will return the seeing-eye dog. I do not have diplomatic immunity. I will not charge admission to the bathroom. I will never win an Emmy. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy. All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy. I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. I am not deliciously saucy. Organ transplants are best left to professionals. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan". I will not celebrate meaningless milestones. There are plenty of businesses like show business. I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun. I will not waste chalk. I will not skateboard in the halls. I will not instigate revolution. I will not draw naked ladies in class. I did not see Elvis. I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes." Garlic gum is not funny. They are laughing at me, not with me. I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom. I will not encourage others to fly. I will not fake my way through life. Tar is not a plaything. I will not Xerox my butt. It's potato, not potatoe. I will not trade pants with others. I am not a 32-year-old woman. I will not do that thing with my tongue. I will not drive the principal's car. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart. I will not sell school property. I will not burp in class. I will not cut corners. I will not get very far with this attitude. I will not belch the National Anthem. I will not sell land in Florida. I will not grease the monkey bars. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment. I will not do anything bad ever agian. I will not show off. I will not sleep through my education. I am not a dentist. Spitwads are not free speech. Nobody likes sunburn slappers. High explosives and school don't mix. I will not bribe Principal Skinner. I will not squeak chalk. I will finish what I start. "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender. Underwear should be worn on the inside. The Christmas Pageant does not stink. I will not torment the emotionally frail. If I ever become an Evil Overlord 1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. 2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. 4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies. 5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. 6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicatment before killing them. 7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible." 8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. 9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. 10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". 11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself. 12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. 13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. 14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. 15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any. 16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. 17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. The Programmer vs. The Engineer A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50.00!" This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer. Now it's the engineers turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep. The Idiot A pregnant woman has a car wreck and ends up in a coma. When she wakes up, she realizes that she's no longer pregnant. She asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you've had twins -- a boy and a girl. Your brother came in and named them." The woman says, "Oh, God, not my brother! He's an idiot! So, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "That's okay. And the boy?" "Denephew." The Geezer After marrying a young girl, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot." "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear." "Exactly," replied the doctor.

Quotes

1. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off. 2. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; 4.mating. -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course 3. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde 4. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown 5. Q. What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots sy to his students? A: Watch closely. I am only going to do this once. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Two rules to success in life. #1. Dont tell poeple everything you know. 8. 7/5ths of all people do not understand fractions. 9. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 10. Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. 11. Always and Never are two words to always remember to never to use. 12. I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back. 13. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? 14. Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Where did I go wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown 15. Polytics: Poly (many) + ticks (blood sucking parasites) 16. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 17. As I said before, I never repeat myself. 18. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand! 19. I just found out I won the psychic of the year award for 1999. -- John Siem 20. The graduate with a Science degree asks: "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks: "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks: "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks: "Do you want fries with that?" 21. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 22. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with one hand. 23. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother. 24. There are 3 kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't. 25. Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean? 26. If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. 27. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 28. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong? 29. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" 30. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? ...more to come.
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