Star Gazing

Part six.

I think that Zac was the only stable thing in my life. Mira's moods towards me changed with the weather, as did my mother's. One minute, she was content with my peace and quiet, the next, she was exasperated. Whereas Zac, he always hated me, no matter which day of the week it was. It was good knowing something that would always be the same.

Now, going back to my talking business. I really did want to talk again. The feeling of my closure would disappear and I would be accepted in society. It was like I was disabled, people living around us would look at me like I was handicapped. They looked upon my face with pity! That infuriated me. Also, I'm sure that disabled people wouldn't want pity as well. Life is what you make of it, a lazy, lonely guy would probably need pity more than the disabled. People who pity must think that they're better. Pity sucked major, lollipops.

Being disabled or not (in this case, not.), I didn't need pity. I had the ability to talk and since life's what you make of it, shouldn't I talk? Easier said than done.

I was sitting, nearly ripping the hairs from my scalp. The pressure I was putting on myself to speak was amazing. I think half of my body wanted to, the other half being afraid. Afraid of what would come next, afraid of not knowing.

I was beginning to question myself. Should I go through with talking? I knew that once I said something, I wouldn't be able to take it back. Then again, once I said something, it could be the end of my non-speaking troubles. I needed more time to decide what to do.

****

Again, sitting on the floor I was glaring at Zac. I wasn't admiring his good facial features. Pfft yeah whatever. I was hopefully piercing into his soul. No, that sounded corny. I was just - let me reword - trying to send hate signals through my eyes, right into his. It wasn't a 'head over heels', lovey dovey type of stare. Having a crush on Zac definately was not the reason I was staring at him. Not staring, glaring actually.

I was barely restraining myself from lashing out and beating the living daylights out of his annoying snigger. Since I was sitting on the floor, and he on a chair (at the kitchen table), it seemed as if he was looking down on me. I received more of a "I'm the king of the castle and you're the dirty rascal" feeling rather than pity.

It was getting to me, for some unknown reason. So... I stopped glaring at him, for the first time in yonks, I started to Star Gaze again. Properly I mean. I started to watch Mira and Tay talk, laugh and generally bond. It was good to be back.

I was ignoring Zac on purpose. I hated even LOOKING at his face now. The permanent smirk on his face completely put me off. Man, I hope he'd just leave now that nobody was paying attention to him.

But, no. When I sneaked a peek through the reflection of the window, I saw that he was still there. Even worse, I saw that he too, was looking at our sibs. Arg!

Not again! He was trying to pry away my Star Gazing status. All because of this stupid game I made up in my head, I held a grudge on Zac. But this 'stupid game' was quite important. Part of it was my identity at the Hanson's household, even though for the last few weeks I'd spent my time glaring at Zac.

My emotions were strong and out of control for I didn't know if I'd start crying or attempting to bash Zac up, the next minute. My heart was beating fast and knuckles were turning white. I needed to get out of here fast, or I'd practically blow up.

I could see Mira and Tay laughing at something. Probably a joke about me. I hated it when people laughed at me!!!

****

That was close. I think that if Zac hadn't left the room at that precise moment, I would've exploded. Lucky for him, he had a good sense of timing.

Anyway, with Zac out of the picture, I could continue to do my job - star gaze. Through the dark shades I could see how oblivious Taylor and Mira were of me. It was better that way, I tried to convince myself. Star Gazers don't want to be noticed, they don't want attention. Do they?

Was this Star Gazing game just a plea for attention? Was my non-talking ways, another plea for attention? I nearly cried that moment, every one of my actions were swimming around my head and the phrase 'Another plea for attention?!!' was echoing. Confusion swept over and I didn't know what was happening for a few seconds. It wasn't until Mira called my name that I finally was brought back into the world of reality. Nope, Mira didn't see my awkwardness and call my name to see if I was okay. She'd wanted me to get up because it was late and we had to hurry home, not to mention the Hanson's had to eat their tea.

****

We'd missed the local bus and had to walk home. Of course we were going to get it from Mom when we got back, but Mira seemed oblivious to this. She looked as if she were on cloud nine, with the dreamy expression on her face. Lucky, I thought, why can't I be as stress-free as her?!

Mira was walking really slow but I couldn't really 'tell' her to hurry up, neither could I hold her hand and pull her along so she'd walk faster. Mira and I never touch each other on purpose. It's just... something we'd never done. Nor, we would ever do.

I looked up and saw that the moon was already out. There was also a lone star gathering attention for it was a fairly clear night. Probably, any normal person's first instinct would be to wish upon that star. You know that, 'Star bright, star light first star I see tonight, I wish I may I wish I might, have the wish I wish to night' crud.

Not me. For some weird reason I found it exasperating to wish upon stars. Praying to God is different, that I believe in. Back to the point, when I was younger I had an obsession with wishing upon stars. Everynight, I would pick the brightest and say that little poem, followed by a childish wish. It disappointed me I guess, never getting that wish. So, nowadays I despise wishing against these stars.

It's funny, I am the Star Gazer yet I don't wish upon stars. Great, I probably sound like a real freak. I follow my sister around, don't speak and won't wish upon a star. I guess those three things are what make up me.

I suppose, all else I do revolves around these three things - well, one of them to a lesser extent. I'd begun to shape my life around them. Creepy, once you think about it!

****

I sat down and breathed out a heavy sigh. I'd now refused to look in Zac's direction. I still took a glimpse at him through the reflection of the window once in a while to see if he was still looking at Mira and Tay, but that was it. He always was. Just who did he think he was? Why was he copying my actions - I was sure he wasn't jealous of me. Zac was probably mocking me, making fun of my situation. He was probably doing it on purpose to annoy me - he was doing a good job of it too.

Mira and Tay were talking about going to the pictures.

Tay: "We have got to get out of the house. Zac's driving me crazy and Mom doesn't say anything about it. All she said was that if Zac wasn't making a sound of hurting me, then he was able to stay in the kitchen. Gawsh, he's watching us like a hawk. Do you know how annoying that is to me? Augh."
Mira: "Do I know what it's like you mean? Um yeah.... if you haven't realised-"

She was cut off by Taylor.

Tay: "Okay, okay, I getcha point. Anyway in this case, one pair of eyes is better than two, so let's go see a movie or something - get out of the house."
Mira: (mumbles...)
Tay: "We can go tomorrow. I'm free, you're free... I think?
Mira: "Yeah, I guess. But I just bought a new backpack...I don't have any mo-"
Tay: "Hey, I'll pay for you. (I was thinking at the moment, did he mean pay for ME too? Afterall, I was coming and he knew it.) It'll be sorta like a date. (Apart from the fact that two's company, three's a crowd!)"

Mira kind of smiled a 'yes'. The two of them began to plan and when I saw Zac's reflection in the window, he looked rejected. I guess I wouldn't feel too good either if I knew they were deliberately trying to avoid me. Which they do I guess, but I tended to tag along anyway.

****

It turned out that Taylor intended to pay for Mira's ticket, and not mine. Mira walked back to me with the two tickets - Taylor had gone to get their drinks and popcorn. Mira held up the tickets and said, "Look. Count them. You're not coming."

It was plain to see that Mira didn't want me there but to think that Taylor only bought two, meant that I was unwanted from two people's point of view.

"Carrie, we've only got two tickets. I know you've got your own money so u can go and see another movie? Please? I don't want you to come - I REALLY don't want you to be there. Wait outside or go and see another movie by yourself!"

I walked away from her to the ticket man. I was going to the same movie no matter what she said. I bought the ticket to their movie and walked back to her. Mira was smiling; she obviously thought I was gonna see a different movie. I held up the ticket and she stopped smiling.

It was obvious what she wanted to do with Taylor in the cinema. And, they hadn't done any of THAT before because i was always around. Being in the cinema is different, it was dark and Mira thought that she could con my way into not going. Taylor himself had hinted it the other day by saying, 'It'll sorta be like a date.' What do you do on dates... hmm I wonder.

Taylor took her hand and they walked into the cinema, with me following close behind. Mira was uptight because she knew I was right there behind them. Still following her, still spying and still being me. She knew as well as I did that probably the situation would never change, no matter how much time went past.

I had bought my own popcorn and corn chips for the movie. As I sat behind Taylor a Mira, so I could watch them better, I began to eat.

About half way through the movie I saw Taylor make a move on Mira. He took his arm and gently draped it behind her chair. The classic yawn movement. And to think that I thought he was original and creative... Anyway, Mira responded by leaning in, closer to Tay. She lifted her head while Taylor looked down on her, it was then that I knew they were going to kiss. I didn't know what to do - was this what Dad meant by saying 'Watch out for your sister.' ? I had to do something so I chomped on the cornchips really loudly. It made a cracking and crunching noise and fortunately, their mood was broken. Mira looked behind and sent me a death stare. Well, at least that was over... I could go back to the movie.

I couldn't believe it. They tried to kiss again. I knew I couldn't pull the same trick twice so I gave their chairs a kick. I kicked Taylor's chair harded than intended and he jumped up from it. Turning around he realized that it was me and he sat back down again, giving me a look. It was a 'Look what you've done! I was just about to kiss your sister!' kind of look. I felt bad but I also felt like I'd just done the right thing.

I DID do the right thing.... didn't I?

****

I followed Mira through our front door. Taylor had walked us home.

As soon as Mira closed the door, she forcefully shoved me. I was hardly prepared for it and therefore, fell over in a great heap. That had definately shocked me, not so much with pain but the fact that it was the first time Mira had intentionally tried to hurt me in two years. Since that day.

I knew she'd be pissed off about the movie fiasco, but I didn't think she would hurt others about it, namely - me.

Mira moved in and grabbed my shoulders. She held them firmly and stated, "You were a stubborn bitch today. I'm so wound up, I could practically kill you!!"

I swallowed hard.

I didn't know whether it was luck or Mira's control but I was glad. Mira had dropped me and while I slunk to the floor, she stormed off.

I was definately glad of whatever it was that made her leave. I really didn't want to end up bruised and battered.

Part seven...

Stories