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Author: Sarah (surrendersomething)
E-mail: surrender_something@hotmail.com
Summary: John Carter/Abby Lockhart. They were together...but something happened to draw them apart. Will there be a happy reunion?
Spoilers: Assumes events up to mid-season 9.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Songs are "The end of the World" in chapter 1, "A Hundred Tears Away" in chapter 2, and "Chances Are" in chapter 3. First two by Vonda Shepard, third by Vonda Shepard and Robert Downey Jr.
Author’s Notes: A little different from what I usually write, but I figured I'd give it a try. Thanks to Lilliana, Tammy and Kate for all their help.
Chapter Two: A Hundred Tears Away
~
Go ahead and cry now
Just give in to the madness.
The only way to feel your joy
is to first feel the sadness.
~
The cold, lonely hotel room didn’t appear any more welcoming in the light of yet another day. She wasn’t sure what had brought her here, what had possessed her to drive that exact same route they’d driven, simply stopping at a different place.
Oklahoma. She didn’t even particularly like the place. It was meant to bring back unhappy memories of the bad times.
So why could she only think about the fact that he’d been with her – he’d sensed the fact that she’d needed support and had accompanied her as a friend…
Or so she’d thought at the time.
She realised now what she should have realised then. That had been yet another pivotal moment in their relationship, even though the physical relationship hadn’t started for another couple of years.
And now, could it really be over? Was that it? Was that all the happiness they deserved? And was it her fault?
That was enough. Enough to make the tears come once again. But she wasn’t crying for herself. She was crying for him, and the pain she’d inflicted upon him.
~
You're a long way from somewhere you call home, yeah
there's a place in your heart, and you’re not alone.
All of the happiness you seek
all of the joy for which you pray.
Is closer than you think
it's just a hundred tears away.
~
She missed everything about him. The way he dropped gentle butterfly kisses on the nape of her neck when he wanted something. The way his fingers would trace lazy patterns over her skin to warm her up when the temperature dropped.
The way he always told her they were going to be okay, and somehow made her believe it. How sometimes the only thing he wanted to do, the only thing he could do, was hold her.
Above all that, there was one thing she missed the most.
His gentle, unique style of lovemaking, and his ability to make her feel like the only woman in the world, just for a while. And then they way they’d lay in the dark long after their lovemaking had ceased, limbs intertwined as they talked into the early hours of the morning.
Why?
Why did she leave the one man she loved…the one man who knew her? She was the only one who could answer that question…
And she didn’t have a clue what the answer was.
~
Go ahead and listen
Just give into the voices.
You think you're backed into a corner
but you've got so many choices.
~
She lifted herself out of the bed, pulling open the curtains, letting the sunlight stream in. Light bounced off every surface in the room, but did nothing to lift her mood.
There was only one person who could lift her mood.
And she’d pushed him away. Time and time again, refusing to let him in. Then convincing herself he didn’t want to know, wouldn’t want to listen…then wouldn’t stay with her.
She couldn’t bear the thought of him leaving her. So she decided it would be best to get it over with. Leave him, before she killed herself inside, wondering when it would happen.
"I’m leaving. I’m sorry John." she’d whispered to the empty apartment, as she laid the pen on top of the note, in which she’d attempted to explain herself.
And now she was here. She’d done what she’d set out to do, left him. But now there was nothing she wanted more than to be back in the safety of his arms once again.
~
You're a long way from somewhere you call safe
Peace of mind comes from just one place.
All of the happiness you seek
all of the joy for which you pray.
Is closer than you think
it's just a hundred tears away.
~
She turned the shower on, attempting to establish a routine of sorts.
She used to hate routines. But that changed. A routine with him was nothing short of amazing. Knowing that she’d end up in his arms every night was something she’d been in no hurry to give up.
Why hadn’t he realised something was wrong? She’d been hoping all along that he’d pick up on what she was feeling, encourage her to explain it to him…
And then she could have stayed.
But, she kept reminding herself; it was better this way – wasn’t it? Or was that just an excuse for her actions?
Who was she kidding? It was worse. A hundred times worse.
She became vaguely aware of steam filling the bathroom, and realised how long she’d been standing there, mind filled with memories of happier times.
~
You're a long way from somewhere you call home,
Whatever it is that'll make you feel good.
You can have if you want
if you knew that you could.
It's closer than you think
it's just a hundred tears away.
~
The water cascaded down from above her, forming rivulets on her skin. She remembered fondly how he’d hated the temperature she took showers at, but had got used to it for the sake of being close to her.
Why did she think she could get away from these memories? Everything reminded her of him in some way. The sight of a particular object, or image, would spark off yet another distant reminder of him. But it didn’t bring him any closer. It almost served to push him further away.
Remembering what used to be so good.
She was crying now, freely. Salty tears mixing with the water. Emotions escaping, rushing into the open.
She was angry with herself. She knew she’d caused him more pain than anyone ever could…and that was saying a lot, considering what he’d been through.
She couldn’t live like this. It was tearing her apart, knowing that he was hurting every bit as much as she was.
So, in that split second, she made her decision.
A hundred tears had been cried. Her vision had been cleared.
~
It’s closer than you think
It’s just a hundred tears away.
~
Chapter Three
June 2004, Sarah Dives.