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CATEGORY: VOY J/C I was so deep in my thoughts that afternoon, that I almost walked right into the holodeck before I realized that it was already in use. I grumbled under my breath and tried to suppress my irritation. Though I am normally a patient man, I was struggling to stay in control of my emotions. If there were ever a time when I needed an escape from my surroundings, it was that day, without question. It had been the worst week of my entire life. I felt an involuntary shudder run through my body as the memories of the shuttle craft accident flooded over me for what must have been the millionth time that day. It had been only four days since the crash and the memories were excruciatingly vivid. I tried over and over again to push them aside. I tried to get the image of Kathryn's limp, lifeless body out of my mind. But despite my best efforts to forget, I kept remembering how I felt when I realized that I could not resuscitate her. I had tried everything. I performed CPR, and injected her with cardiac stimulants. Hell…I even begged her, ordered her to breath. Since when has Kathryn Janeway taken orders from me anyway. I have never felt in my life the kind of heart wrenching pain and utter despair that I felt when I took Kathryn's still body in my arms and cradled her to my chest. I held her so tightly, as if my sheer will alone could hold her here. "No, Kathryn…" I remember hearing my own voice, strange and hollow, as I begged her not to die. I wanted to lie down and die with her. I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face as I spoke to Tuvok aboard Voyager. "The Captain is dead…" I noticed that the trembling started to calm as I recalled the doctor and Tuvok arriving on the planet to resuscitate her. "Fight Kathryn, just a little longer." My own words echoed in my head. And she did fight, with all of the fire and determination that first drew me to her. My heart soared with the eagles as I saw her open her blue eyes and look up at me. She was alive! It took every ounce of self-restraint I had not to scoop her up into my arms and confess my love for her right there in front of Tuvok and the doctor. But I held back. I did not wish to add to her burden. As always, her needs came first to me. There would be time. She was going to be okay. Yes, there would be time… Since our return to Voyager, Kathryn has been different. I know, I know…who wouldn't be changed by such an experience. Of course she was acting differently, but not in the way I had expected. She had been exhuberant, almost giddy! "I cheated death." She had said to me excitedly. "That's cause for celebration!" Then she suggested we take a moonlight sail on the holodeck. I had yet to see her shed a tear. She acted happy, enlivened. The problem was that I knew her too well. I saw the pain behind her brave smile. No one else probably knew, but I did. I knew because I watched her. I have always watched her. Oh, I tried several times to get her to talk about it. "I'm fine, Chakotay." She had said with a hollow smile. "My ribs are a bit sore from you pounding on my chest, but other than that, I am better than ever." She teased, giving my arm a gentle nudge. But I knew it was a lie. She wanted me to believe it. She may have even believed it herself on some level. But I knew better. I knew that eventually she would have to face it, to let the pain out. I just prayed to the spirits that when she finally did, she would let me be there. In the mean time, I decided, the best thing I could do was try to work through my own unhealthy feelings. And I had many of them. Regret and guilt were among the strongest emotions at that time. I was piloting the shuttle. She died at my hand, albeit indirectly. I had sworn my life to protecting her, to making her burden lighter, and I had failed horribly. She was nearly lost to all of us while she was under my care, and I was powerless to stop it. If the doctor hadn't arrived when he did to resuscitate her… "Stop it old man!" I chastised myself aloud. "She's alive. Get past it." But at the same time a battle raged inside of me. Faith vs. Fear. My spiritual side told me that I could not control whether Kathryn was alive from one day to the next any more than I can control my own mortality. To make the most of the precious time we have and not waste it living in fear of what may or may not happen. But the emotional part of me was terrified to let her out of my sight. I wanted to take her in my arms and never let her go for fear that I would lose her. I longed to keep her by my side always, to keep her safe. Oh, I never allowed my self to act on those fears. Captain Kathryn Janeway simply would not tolerate being sheltered. She would take it as a personal and professional affront if I ever allowed myself to act on my desires to over-protect her. So, I just tried to suck it up and act as normal as possible. Up to that point, I had done a pathetic job of it. That is why I needed the holodeck so badly. Physical exertion had always helped relieve my stress. I figured a few rounds of velocity with a formidable holographic opponent would be very theraputic. That is…if the holodeck were empty. I had reserved it ahead of time, so whoever was in there would just have to get out. "Computer," I barked. "Who is on holodeck one?" "Captain Kathryn Janeway" droned the computer. Kathryn? What is she doing in there? "Computer, what program is the captain running?" "The program 'Janeway Studio 1' is currently running" came the answer. "Hmmmm, I have no idea what that is!" I thought to myself. I debated about whether or not to enter for several minutes. I didn't wish to intrude on her privacy, but I did want to make sure she was okay. Then I noticed that she did not have the privacy lock engaged. Decision made. It took only a few seconds after the doors swished shut for me to realize that I was standing in a holographic ballet studio. The sounds of a beautiful piece of classical music were floating through the room, creating a dream-like atmosphere. I didn't recognize the song, but I noted it was mostly flute and piano music. I liked it immediately. The studio was, I imagined, any ballet dancer's dream. Shiny hardwood dance floor, ceiling to floor mirrors, a ballet barre' attached waist high on each wall, and the entire room trimmed in a soothing rose color. It was quite beautiful actually. I was never much of a ballet fan, that is, until I saw Kathryn dance. I've never seen anything more lovely in all my life. My eyes traveled over her body, taking in the sight of her spaghetti strap leotard and wrap around skirt. It hugged her figure in all the right places. It was the color of a rich burgundy wine and brought out the natural blush in her regal cheeks. Her tone legs were covered in pale pink tights. Her shining auburn hair was pulled up in a simple ponytail and fell softly down her partially bare back. Gods! She was absolutely breathtaking. I couldn't have spoken if my life depended on it. I quickly ducked out of sight behind a large floor speaker where I could watch her unobserved. I know, I know…it was wrong. I should have told her I was there. But I was absolutely captivated by the sight of her. I could not will myself to move. So I stood there in the shadows and watched her. I noticed three discarded toe shoes lying in a pile on the floor to the right of her chair. The shanks had been torn away from the satin shoe and the ribbons were frayed. It occurred to me that she must have snapped the ribbons off while she was dancing, hence the reason she was changing her shoe when I arrived. She must have been dancing hard, and I found myself wondering how long she had been at it. Kathryn was always pushing her body to it's limits, and I was always worrying about her. Kathryn stood up suddenly and moved to the center of the floor. "Computer, restart playback from time index 1.124." The computer chirped it's acknowledgement and the room was once again filled with the soft music.
She excels in ballet, as she does at almost anything she puts her mind to. I imagine, if she hadn't been so intent on joining Starfleet, she could have made it big as a dancer. And I would have been her biggest fan, just like I am now. I watched as she did a graceful split leap across the floor, and I was awestruck by the muscles in her legs flexing and extending as she moved. I have always loved Kathryn's legs. I was amazed at the height she achieved with her leaps. Her petite stature combined with her powerful, muscular legs gave her great agility. She made it look easy. She landed with barley a sound. The very epitome of grace. The tempo of the music began to pick up a bit. Kathryn's movements, though no less graceful, became stronger and faster. She moved until she was a short distance in front of me and began a series of turns that I knew must be very complicated. Her head was whipping around fast as she spotted in front of her to keep her balance. I watched her red locks of hair flip around and her skirt swirling around her slim body as she spun, a look of complete absorption on her face. And I had never been so enchanted in my entire life. I stood there in the shadows and watched her dance from her very soul. And at that moment, I fell in love with her all over again. Eventually, the music ended and I looked on in confusion as Kathryn collapsed on the floor, gasping and trying to control her breathing. She sat up and pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them as if hugging herself. As she dropped her head down, I realized that her shoulders were shaking. She was crying! In the very instant that realization hit me, I forgot all about being and uninvited guest in her studio. I knew only one thing, I had to go to her. I closed the distance between us in about three steps and dropped to my knees behind her. "Shhhh. Kathryn, it's okay." I whispered as I took her into my arms and pulled her trembling form onto my lap. "You're not alone. I am here. It's going to be okay." I was surprised when she didn't pull away from me, or start shouting at me for the invasion of her privacy. Instead, she buried her head into my chest and held tightly to my shirt as though her life depended on it. Perhaps for her, at that particular moment, it did. "What is it, Kathryn?' I asked, gently stroking her hair. The hair that I spend so much time staring at when I think she isn't looking. "Chakotay…" she sobs. "please, just hold me." I could not answer for a minute, so I just held her tightly to me. Didn't she know that holding her in my arms was the one thing I had longed to do since the first time I first met her? Something deep in my soul cried out as I listened to her sobs. Her pain has always been far harder to bear than my own. The very fact that she was allowing me to see her in that state was a testament to how deeply she was hurting. Gods! I wanted to take it all away, to take it for her. "I am here, my love." I reassured her, pulling her even deeper into my embrace. "I will hold you Kathryn…until all the demons are gone. Until you are not afraid anymore. Until it doesn't hurt so much. I will hold you for as long as you will let me." I told her, and I meant it. We sat there together, holding on to each other, for the better part of 30 minutes before her sobs began to subside. With the exception of a few soothing words I murmured to her, neither of us spoke. Finally, I stood and pulled Kathryn to her feet and guided her over to the small sofa in the corner. I ordered two cups of herbal tea from the replicator and joined her. I could tell from the way she moved that her muscles were already sore. I pulled her feet onto my lap and removed her ballet shoes. She dropped her head back and sighed as I began to massage her feet and legs. She was obviously enjoying my ministrations. She wasn't the only one. I had dreamed of touching her like that more times than I could recall. "How long have you been in here?" I prodded gently. "Oh, about four hours." She answered, her voice hoarse from crying. "You have been dancing like that for four hours?!? You must be exhausted!" I said, failing to hide my shock. That showed a lot of endurance, especially considering she had been dead only four days ago. "I didn't even hear you come in, Chakotay. When did you get here?" she asked. Her words were not accusing or angry, merely surprised that I had managed to sneak in without her noticing. "I came in while you were changing your shoe." I began. "I had the holodeck reserved, and when I arrived, I discovered that you were already in here. I just came in to see if you were okay. I was going to announce myself, but then I saw you…" I paused nervously, gesturing to her clothing with my hands. "dressed like that and getting ready to dance. I froze, Kathryn. All I could do was stand there and watch you. I am sorry." "It's alright, Chakotay." She offered with that soft smile that never fails to penetrate my shields and go straight to my heart. "I'm very glad that you're here." She placed her hand gently on my shoulder, as she has done so many times before. But it seemed different somehow. Since she seemed receptive, I decided to press the matter at hand. "Do you want to tell my why you were in here pushing yourself so hard, and why you were crying?" "I don't know, Chakotay." she began. "It's all so strange, you know? I guess I've been avoiding my feelings about what happened on that planet. I thought if I came in here and exhausted myself, I would be able to sleep." I shouldn't have been surprised that she was having trouble sleeping. After all, so was I. "Do you want to talk about it, Kathryn?" I asked, trying not to push her too hard. She looked at me silently for several seconds, and I thought she was about to push me away again. But I was wrong. "Yes, I guess I do want to talk to you about it. But not here, okay? Let's go to my quarters." She said, rising to her feet. "I want to change my clothes." I tried to hide my disappointment. It was an uncommon site to see her this out of uniform. It was a rare and beautiful side of her. Not very captain-like, but incredibly Kathryn. And I loved it. "Okay, we'll go to your quarters. But don't change on my account" I teased. "This look is quite becoming." I caught the playful twinkle in her blue eyes and flashed her the grin that I know she loves, dimples and all. "Chakotay…" she scolded playfully, giving me a gentle shove with her elbow. She slung her toe shoes over her shoulder and we left the holodeck arm in arm. Along the way to her quarters, we passed several members of our crew. Despite Kathryn's rather casual appearance, her "I am the Captain" mask was firmly in place as she nodded and greeted each crewman. If she noticed the smiles tugging at the lips of our crew, she didn't acknowledge them. I was certain that Tom Paris's betting pool would be hot tonight, after they all saw their captain and first officer walking to her quarters together, and quite seriously out of uniform. She didn't even flinch at the fact that my hand was resting protectively on the small of her back. She acted as if it were the most natural thing in the world. To me, it was. "Have a seat, Chakotay." She said when we entered her quarters. "I'll just be a minute. Help yourself to the replicator." Then she disappeared into her bedroom. While she was changing, I ordered us each a sandwich and a glass of fruit juice from the replicator, my rations of course. I doubted that she had eaten all day, and I intended to make sure that she put something on her stomach, besides coffee. She returned a moment later, and I was once again awestruck. She was wearing a blue satin nightgown and matching robe. Her long, shiny hair was loose and cascading down her back in barley restrained curls. The sight of her took my breath away. "Gods, Kathryn! You are beautiful." I gushed before I could stop myself. She smiled shyly as a blush crept across her cheeks. A Starfleet Captain blushing, how incredibly charming. "What's all this?" she asked, gesturing to the sandwiches sitting on the coffee table. "It's food. You do remember food, right?" I teased. She flashed me a wry smile. "You're going to eat something with me, and then we're going to talk, okay?" "Aye, Commander." She retorted. She sat down next to me on the sofa and we ate in companionable silence. I was thrilled to see her eat almost all of her sandwich. She was already starting to look better. After we put our plates down, I once again scooped her up in my arms and pulled her close to me, her back resting on my chest. And as before, Kathryn did not resist. She relaxed into my embrace and wrapped her arms around mine. I was silently very grateful for that moment. "This is so nice, Chakotay." She whispered. "Thank you." "It's my pleasure, Kathryn." I responded. "When I couldn't revive you after the shuttle crash, I thought I would never have the chance to hold you in my arms. I need this as much as you do." She remained silent. At my mention of the accident, I felt her stiffen in my embrace. I knew it made her anxious to talk about it. I kissed her tenderly on the top of her head, breathing in the scent of her shampoo - and tried to memorize it. "It's okay, Kathryn. I'm here with you. I think you need to talk about this. Tell me why you're having trouble sleeping." She was reluctant for a moment, then said, "Mostly, it's the nightmares. I haven't told anyone everything about what I saw when the alien was inside my mind, while I was dying." Her voice cracked with emotion as she began to tell me about her hallucinations. The Vidiians, Kes's ability to sense her presence, suffering euthanasia at the hands of the holodoctor, her memorial service… I sat and listened attentively, quietly stroking her hair. "But worse than all of those, was the hallucination of you Chakotay." She said, turning to face me. I could see her anguish in her eyes. "You were holding me, telling me not to die and you were crying. I wanted more than anything to comfort you, I…" "You saw that?" I interrupted, the shock evident on my face. "You were there? " Our eyes locked, her own shock now showing on her face. "That was real?" she whispered incredulously. "Yes, Kathryn!" I answered, taking her hands in mine. "That was no hallucination. It was very real. I thought I had lost you forever." The tears began spilling from my eyes at the horrible memory, and I saw that Kathryn had begun to cry as well. I was not ashamed for her to see me weep. I wanted her to know how much she meant to me, and that losing her would kill me. "I'm so sorry for your pain, Chakotay." She choked between sobs. "The sight of you hurting was far worse than seeing myself lying there…dead. I tried to tell you I was there, but you couldn't hear me. I tried to touch you, but my hand moved through you as though you were made of water. I ached to hold you, to touch you just one last time…" "Shhh, it's okay." I whispered, pulling her to me. "I'm here, Kathryn. Hold me now." We held on to each other tightly and I placed tender kisses on her cheeks and in her hair. I never wanted to let her go. And I knew I must tell her what was in my heart. "I have to tell you something, Kathryn." I pulled back slightly to look into her eyes, shining with unshed tears. "I know you don't want to hear this, but I have to say it. When you were down there, dying on that planet I thought I would never be able to tell you the truth. To tell you how I feel. I was so filled with regret, that it was difficult to breath. I won't make that mistake again." Kathryn moved to speak, but I gently placed my finger over her lips, quieting her. "Wait, please hear me out before you respond. I know how you feel about becoming involved in a romantic relationship with me while we're commanding this ship. I've promised to respect your parameters, and I will keep that promise. But I won't take the chance of ever feeling that regret again!" I pulled her chin up and looked into her blue eyes. "No more stories, no ancient legends, just the truth……. I love you Kathryn! And I will wait for you for as long as it takes." Satisfied that I had finally said it, I closed my eyes and braced myself to hear her rip off at warp speed the many reasons why this is a bad idea. I was prepared for her to start pacing the room, spouting protocol and telling me why I shouldn't love her. But, to my surprise, she didn't move. She said nothing. I opened my eyes and looked at her, and what I saw took my breath away. In her beautiful face, I saw not a trace of the captain. No protocol. No parameters. Just Kathryn, with sincerity and love shining in her eyes. It was a good thing I was sitting down, or I may have fallen over! "I love you too, Chakotay." She finally whispered in her husky voice. "I have since New Earth. I don't know what we're going to do about it. But I can't deny it. I can't hide it from you anymore." I was so racked with emotion that I could not speak. I couldn't find the words. I reached for her, and stroked her cheek with something akin to reverence. She captured my hand in hers and pulled it to her lips, pressing tiny, sweet kisses on my fingers. The gesture touched me deeply in ways I don't fully understand. I pulled her closer in my arms and slowly brought my face down to brush my lips across hers softly. She responded by wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me deeper into the kiss. Our first kiss, it was both passionate and shy at the same time. I will never forget it. Then she pulled back and looked into my eyes. "Stay with me, Chakotay. I just want to sleep next to you, to feel you near me and know I am alive." Her eyes were pleading with mine for understanding. "Will you stay here with me tonight, and hold me?" "Gods, Kathryn!" I moaned as I rose to my feet and scooped her petite body up in my arms. "I have never wanted anything more in my entire life." Such a simple request from her, but something I have dreamed about doing since the day I met her. I carried her into her bedroom and put her down gently on the bed. I climbed into the luxurious dark blue sheets next to her and she curled her warm body up against my side, her head resting on my chest. And I was sure I was in heaven. "I love you, Kathryn." I whispered and kissed her softly on the temple. I still couldn't believe I was able to speak those words out loud. "I love you too, Chakotay." She slurred, already drowsy now that she felt safe. Minutes later she is fast asleep, a look of peaceful contentedness on her face. To me, she had never been more beautiful. I just lay there quietly for a while, praising the spirits for this moment. Thanking them for this second chance. I vowed to them that I would take care of Kathryn and make her happy. I knew I was the richest man in the galaxy. Now, six months later, as I lay here in bed with Kathryn I remember that day, the day that my life became complete. I am here, on Voyager. We are lost and alone in the Delta Quadrant. We have many enemies and precious few allies, and we may never see Earth again. Yet, I am surrounded by wonderful people who have become like family members to me. There is air in my lungs and food in my belly. And Kathryn Janeway is asleep in my arms. I am a happy man.
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satin toe shoes (PG) |
