- Moving on
* Back to my home page: http://www.oocities.org/suzakico/index.html
From 10/22/03-11/2/03, I attended my fourth vipassana 10-day retreat at California Vipassana Center. The purpose of this report is to clarify what I have gone through in the course, strategize and practice the art of living in my daily life. Also, having practiced vipassana for the past three years with more than a thousand hours of sitting, I am hopeful to find more integrated perspective of what this is all about. The sub-title is to illustrate my intention.
Previous reports are found elsewhere on my home page. (Warning: Without the experiential knowledge of this technique the contents posted here may mislead the visitor.) Whatever the reasons you happened to find this file, I wish the best on your journey!!!
- Kio Suzaki (11/14/03)
Contents
Vipassana Meditation Retreat (4)
Bridging the Boundary of Consciousness and Unconsciousness
Anicca (Impermanence) felt in our own body as Direct Experience
Living in the Garden of Eden… and…the middle way (Art of Living)
Path of Vipassana – and how to deal with Doubts
Witnessing the Sankhara coming off: Hakuin
Back in the Trap, and Escape from It
Techniques (perhaps too detailed for most visitors)
About the Instruction of Techniques, and My New Discoveries
Exposing the problem is the Key for Problem-solving.
Summary of Procedures (for Daily Practice)
Various Comments from the Participants:
Develop and practice a good discipline
Rereading the Past Retreat Report - Synthesis
Eradicating the error and seeing things as they are (from my 2nd Retreat)
Metta, Eight-fold Noble Path and Equanimity (from my 2nd retreat report):
Revisiting the Paradox - Synthesis
Lesson from a Dream after the Course
Back from my fourth vipassana retreat. I am still sorting out, clarifying the points of learning gradually as the impression and experience of this retreat gradually melts into the way of life I am going through. As in the past, I will try to review the process and experiences to distill the essence as much as I can for the benefit of better understanding of damma/the laws of universe. This serves to not just clarify the understanding but also to strategize the passage in my life.
May all beings be happy, and may this process bring a clearer passage to proceed.
At the very end of the course, Mr. Goenka’s story started with a joke but left me with an impact that I want to share first. In the ending, he said that as many Guru asks (and that he was once a businessman), he also wanted to have some remuneration for his service for the course. Seeking for everybody’s approval, he smilingly said that this has to be a fat fee for a fat guru like him for such an invaluable dhamma that was shared. (He said previously that dhamma has to be free and that no teacher is paid for the service they provide.) He then said that the fat fee he wanted from everyone is the compassion (metta) to realize the wish: “May all beings be happy.”
Although I have heard this in the previous courses (which is done by the video), I then imagined the greed of businessmen or gurus that seek for fame and power. In Mr. Goenka’s behavior, however, I did not see any of that, highlighting the contrast. Then, reflecting us having sat for ten days, and that our mind much more purified than before, there was something inside of me identifying to his statement. Then, tears started to run. Perhaps, this time, I was reflecting on my own greed for fame and power, which is contrasted to the inner peace I discovered in the last three, four years.
What was funny was that realizing that this course would end in minutes, I did not want to be seen with tears, or to be heard my short breathing by others. As stupid as it was, I was already concerned about putting the social mask. So, instead of letting my tears and breathing to be with the deep sense of compassionate feeling, I occupied my mind with conscious thought to “control” my emotion. I found that such “thought” was “effective” to stop me from letting the “situation” “out of hand.” It was as if such thought effectively put the lid to the inner voice of my own being. But why did I do that? – especially after going through the retreat to cleanse the mind conditioning (sankhara)?
In any case I was torn in between 1) my consciousness which was tied to the concern of the social mask and 2) the voice of unconsciousness that was stirring up to express itself in perhaps the most genuine manner. Looking myself at this moment, I could see that there was the awareness that looks in the direction of the external world and associated concerns, while it could touch the core of being if I let go. While I was shaken like this, I then heard the unmistakable sobbing sound of a woman expressing the feeling openly, which she did not suppress as I did. It was as if the puss (old sankhara) came out together with tears as if to indicate the closing the gap of human and dhamma.
If we extend this story, not just tears or confession, isn’t there inspiration, and many other forms of actions (even anger – Gifun : anger in righteousness, Jp.) that may come out as we touch the core of our being? Would it not even point the paintings of Picasso or words of Daisetz being the results of expressions of higher order? (Re: tears of Daisetz I wrote elsewhere was about finding a genuine human, and caused me to question if the Buddha shed tears)
Turning our eyes to the growth process of our children, withholding such emotion may be sometimes seen as a way for kids to become adults. However, if we suppress tears, or any form of emotion, we may be creating sankhara/burden. This is to be contrasted to keeping our minds open and purified while expressing ourselves as we are, perhaps also having the opportunities for inspiration, artistic work, etc. - not just for confession. Reflectinng this seemingly small incident, I feel that there is something that needs to be further explored and better understood.
(Somehow, I feel I can relate to the tears of Daisetz better now. Let us be a human, a genuine human….the one with purity to express who we are straightforwardly.)
I reflected the words like that of Myokonin, Osono (see file on Myokonin at my home page, Jp.). To discover the spiritual path, she pointed that one is to practice saying Hai (Yes) for two, three years. When I read this, I felt little funny, but found that this is like a koan in Zen. It points that one is to be able to go with the flow, without fighting with negatively programmed mind habit and be on top of here and now. It is a “passive” way of receiving everything as it is. It is not to hastily interpret the event in front of us with our conditioned mind -- as it often separates us from seeing what is really happening.
In vipassana, this is to be aware of what is going on in our senses and just observe our senses with equanimity. It is to live in now, stay on top of now, and let X, nature, dhamma, or the governing rule of the universe to deal with the situation as it comes. Dogen points that each moment is separated from the others. Just sit! (Zengo Saidan; Shikan Taza)
In Vipassana, impermanence is observed in physical phenomena of passing moment as the changing sensation of kalapa: like a quantum phenomena. Being with that sensation, we find that there is nothing but the physical phenomena, thus no-self. When we observe/experience this, our training/meditation is not just training, but there is nothing but the “truth” of is-ness. This experience is the same as falling off experience of mind-body as Dogen points out. It is the sense of fluidity in us that is not responding to the external stimuli prematurely, but passing by without leaving marks.
Goenka says, truth is what is being experienced in the framework of our body. There is only sensation – flux, arising and passing away. Kalapa (small particles) arising and passing away, thus Anicca – impermanence as experiential wisdom. We are to objectively observe – detached (not evaluating good or bad), with equanimity. This also means we do not force certain sensation to arise, not to selectively seek for certain sensation, nor assessing good or bad. What we think in our consciousness is already not at here and now but something of the past and/or future. This state of observing as it is is the home state of vipassana.
(Vipassana is simply to discover this state and stay there…..and do the work of eradicating the errors/defilement/sankhara by employing the scanning techniques.)
Observing the sensation with equanimity is a choice-less observation. This leads to the state corresponding to the non-duality. It may be said that this equates to the state of timeless time, space-less space, and sinless life in the garden of Eden. There is no good or bad. Or, it may be said as there is only absolute goodness. Also, this may be seen as representing a life of animal. There is nothing to worry. Everything is accepted real time as it is – as in the case of Hai of Osono mentioned above. (In HBC model of Nakayama, this is the lower process associated with X. Or, this is Daisetsz’s First order (unconsciousness so to speak) as opposed to the second order (consciousness) where duality exists.)
So, although it does not say this way, vipassana seems to teach us the world of Eden (non-duality) – as represented by the “free flow” of our sensation directly experienced with the heightened sensation of “is-ness”, or “here-and-now-ness”. This is “conscious of the unconsciousness.” Also, in the vipassana terms, this state of non-duality equates to eradicating the errors, i.e., taking out the root of sankhara as if the cleansing takes place. (for purifying mind)
To me, the middle way seems to indicate the balanced life – not just to stay in the garden of Eden, but be liberated to have a way to maneuver the world of duality and non-duality. This is the art of living as I see it. (equates to Bodhisattva’s life, tenth picture of ten-ox-herding picture) Also, this is the difference to Eno’s (Hui Neng’s) Mirror- let the dust fall. Rather, the middle way (or call it the principle way), for me, is to find the balance between Hui Neng and Jin Shyu – polish the mirror. (polishing, after letting the dust fall, equates to Bodhisattva’s work)
Using words to describe the situation is tricky. Another example, A) “Great work is apparent, it ignores the rule and regulations” (Daiyuu genzen, kisoku wo sonjizu, - Jp.) is an expression of X (life force, dhamma) in the context of the non-duality. On the other hand, B) “Following the desire of our own, yet not going over the limit” (Onoreno hossuru tokoro ni shitagatte, nori wo koezu – Jp.) is looking at the situation of the work of X from the society’s point of view. Then, these correspond to “Let the mind flow freely, without abiding anywhere – Diamond sutra. Interestingly, although A) and B) seem to point at something different, I see these expressions points the same art of living except the stance to look is different (either more emphasis on unconsciousness or consciousness (or the total dynamics). In any case, the mastery of this art is the liberated state to do just that. (…perhaps with tears running at times)
Even if the path is given and instruction to move ahead is clear, if one does not take step to move forward, such person cannot achieve the result. The same applies to the dhamma. It is the continuous practice. If there is any doubt along with the path, we need to keep resolving the doubt or any other forms of hindrances. It may be said that the answer is in the process – not the logical and intellectual analysis of the problem. There has to be a gate opened to connect the gap between the conscious and unconscious, following the principle way.
With regard to the vipassana/dhamma path, and especially about my participation to these ten-day courses in the future, there was doubt raised in my mind. It was not about the principle way. Rather, it was about the specifics of course, i.e., too detailed, structured instruction seems to confine me. (e.g., I found some different ways of scanning, etc. that seem to help my free flow much more effectively.) I see here the pros and cons of having a structure. Yet, I will see what will evolve (Re: middle way). I may attend the sattipathana course, and/or attend and serve the course half and half.
The other related question is about reaching the final goal of total liberation. This is tied to a question of Bodhisattva’s path (i.e., not achieving the final liberation until the last person on earth is liberated – Muryo-ju-kyo; Shin sect; thus remain in the hell; Josyu). Also, if I have gotten rid of 70% of sankhara, the question is: is it meaningful to aim for eliminating the rest – by staying away from the human world? As U ba Kin remained in the governmental work until his old age, pragmatically speaking, it may make sense if we find the balance in adding (by engaged in human world, even rat race to a degree – to live in the vow of May all beings be happy!) or carrying certain amount of sankhara instead of totally eliminating them. (Paradox: If one is not liberated how can he save others? Counter argument: If the process is clearly understood, what is the use of liberating one and have him live in the black box, i.e., mountain?) (Resolution by Daisetsu: “I am full of delusion.” Yet, he can see it. Resolution by Myokonin: Thank you for not taking away my delusion. For, one cannot appreciate the realization. Thus, pointing the middle way, principle way.)
Anapana is an effective method to establish the base when we get into the storm of emotion such as clinging or aversion. Certainly, having an astute awareness to realize that we are in the storm/defilement as early as possible is helpful. Earlier to notice, easier to handle. So, keep honing the mind to detect the signs of defilement.
To be connected to the unconscious is like having our feet on the ground so that we can hear the voice from the heart. Even if there are blockages (also as in koan), we should have established in the practice so that we can feel the ground through various senses. This is as if even if we see the blockage, we can still feel the subtle sensation in it as we penetrate into the defilement to remove the sankhara. There is a similarity between removing the sankhara and resolving the in-penetratable situation, e.g., koan.
After the retreat, Alex, my ride share partner, told me that she could see – in her mind eye - the sticky dark piece coming out of her skull area while scanning. Her scanning was a slow moving honey-like one similar to what I found this new sensation on the 9th and 10th day. In my case, it was like honey or lava slowly flowing through the body at certain speed as if this is different from the other scanning sensation (which is many firework-like or tiny bubble bursting-like distinct phenomena in the body)
I may have pointed out elsewhere but this honey moving like process is exactly like the one described by Hakuin (Zen master in Japan) in his “Nanso no Ho.” In any case, Alex’s expression was very interesting and that I am glad that many sankharas that she accumulated in the music entertainment business came off in this fashion. What is important is to firm up the practice and gain affirmation from such experiences. It is this challenging spirit to further break up the sankhara and to purify the mind.
In two occasions, perhaps on the sixth and seventh day I found I was trapped due to my seeking mind. Until I realized the nature of this trap, I struggled as if it was in my first retreat. Then, thinking that I know the way out (i.e., indicating my arrogance), as I hastened to come out of it, I created more bindings. (It may be because I was not following the instructions. Or, I was experimenting different techniques, seeking for sensation, or perhaps bored in the practice. In short, I let my mind to drift away.) Perhaps, I was also day-dreaming such things as fishing trip, writing a letter to Toyota, or extending my thoughts beyond the scope of vipassana, convincing myself that I am fairly well established in the technique.
On the sixth day, there was a brief check up with the assistant teacher, Julian Cohen. When he asked how things are going regarding the free flow, etc., I answered, “Everything is just fine.” That was the whole exchange. Yet, I felt that that was a trick question (although there was no such intention in him) and that I trapped myself to answer this way. Reflecting on this and that, the free flow ceased to appear for few hours. Finding this as startling, I needed to recollect what I should do to revisit the basics. I had to work hard to get back onto the track. I went back to long anapana, and patient focus on certain parts of my body until the sensation finally re-appeared and agitation ended.
Although the name of the game is equanimity, I always felt that the free flow is a good measure of progress (which can be a misleading statement). In retrospect, I feel that this experience may be good enough to keep coming back and examine myself in the retreat every year – to drop off my arrogance and be humble. Each retreat experience may be like solving a Zen koan – to find the way out of even the most difficult situation. Whether doubt to the technique, arrogance of one’s own performance, boredom, or day-dreaming, the trap may be found in the unexpected situations as if to prove the important law of dhamma and the poor existence /limitation of this thing called self.
Some lessons:
- Focus on the task at hand, e.g., no day-dreaming, be humble, not to lose the beginner’s mind
- If one think he has mastered this, he is wrong (as far as I can see; the mastery is to realize that there is no mastery.)
- It is not mastering, it is finding skills to be mastered by dhamma. (throw away even what is learned – in a way)
- Just sit, focus on the sensations, dedicate everything for the task at hand, e.g., eradicate defilements
- Do not compare with others or one’s own experiences in the past, nor think of new experiences in the future
- Experimenting new technique for scanning “may” be OK (May not be recommended) so far as knowing (i.e., knowing but not knowing) the way to get back as needed.
- Back to the basics, breathing, scanning, awareness and equanimity, patience, let go.
- Also, take break as needed. It is not the enduring race. Be alert.
Once out of the torturous moment, I also had a wonderful sitting in the tent in the light rain, when my whole body cells danced the song of dhamma. It was an experience of Nehan-Jakujo (heavenly calmness) (Since my roommate was snoring hard, I was assigned a tent, which turned out to be a very interesting experience.) In retrospect, this course might be seen as a microcosm of our life experience in ten days. There are difficulties and there is joy of finding dhamma (vibration) while keeping the equanimity as the ultimate yardstick of the progress.
Dhamma is always there whether there are people or not. Also, there are vibrations, sensations, and awareness whether we realize it or not. The point is not to put the bias in our human thoughts with negatively conditioned mind. We are to penetrate into the core of reality. Simply, we are to let the law of dhamma to express.
Most fighting in mind that takes place in meditation is caused by our ego/sankhara. Awareness needs to be developed first. Then, equanimity and balanced mind is the answer. It is the mastery of now. It is not the object matter to be concerned in meditation, but rather observing the sensation of what is (i.e., process) and just be with effortless effort. Ultimately, as pointed in the Yuima (Vimarlakirti) sutra, the meditation is one that is not to be detected by others as one doing it. It has to be natural. (Writing about it and showing on the internet as I am doing here may indicate quite the contrary from that point.)
I remember one dream I had on the tenth day. Experiencing similar symptom before, I feel this dream indicates that, as we break the noble silence on the tenth day, our mind starts to function in a manner as if to find the connection to the conscious brain in a different fashion. The bizarre dream (as those in my past retreat) was a short one, a scene is what appeared to be a Holly Wood party, the most unthinkable place for me to be. In this party, I was with what appeared to be Elizabeth Taylor. There were other people including an African tribe women with naked breast exposed. I was walking with Ms. Taylor in the crowd to go somewhere. That was all.
It is hard to make sense of this dream. Perhaps, it was to prepare me for the return to the world of phony, superficial living. (-which is not my taste.) Perhaps, I was influenced by meeting people from the entertainment industries. As I re-read my dreams from the report of the third retreat about the social mask, wasteful efforts in tying knots, etc., it may still be that I am being exposed to, or concerned about such social scenes/behaviors.
Being playful, I tried out various techniques that may be a bit unorthodox compared to the conventional vipassana teaching. Here are few findings (Be warned not to be confused):
- To practice vipassana, it is critical that we should be able to be aware of subtle sensation. If we cannot do this, following any advanced instruction is futile. I realize this from my bhanga/kundalini experiences in my first retreat. At that time, I tried very hard even though all additional instructions on days 5-8 (up to the moment) was pretty much useless other than putting more pressure on me. While staying equanimous is the goal, diligent and hard effort has to be made to break up the old sankhara with awareness and equanimity. As I wrote in my first report, what I did at the end was to simply observe and be patient until the point when I started to notice the sensation. It finally came and propagated on its own to the point of producing the twirling of light/ fireworks in my whole body in the most unthinkable manner. The same was experienced in my third retreat when I experienced more bhangas. Whether bangha or free flow, the principle way, I believe, is the same.
- To be aware of the sensation, what I found helpful is put ourselves in the situation that stimulates the life energy to express its power as detected in vibrations/sensations. Various practices seem to help, including fasting (reduced diet), noble silence, and reduced breathing. It may be understood that life energy become more apparent when the body feels any threat to keep its attention. As reported by those who went through the near-death experience, our mind-body seem to bring out whatever seems more important to maintain the life support in such a moment. Of course, it may be a bodily response related to sankhara – a burden for healthy, happy living. (By the way, this is a stimulus-response process of the X: life energy, which is seen as a reflection of dhamma) For this reason, to slow down or to withhold breathing for seconds and patiently observe what is going on in the (certain part of the) body may help to stimulate the activities as if it tries to redistribute the energy in such a way so that the body can keep functioning. (Here may be a connection to the quantum physics phenomena.) When I think about my bangha experience as well as satori experiences of others, it is as if unknown power helps us to come out of the “no-way out” situation.
- Here are few of the conditions that seem to help stimulate the function of life energy for minor or major breakthrough (also applicable to practice in our daily life).
o Focus on the issue at hand (whatever that is),
o slow/stopped breathing (when at peak performance, energy usage is efficient)
o slow/no bodily movement; when walking, acting, etc., act slowly with focus on sensation
o slim diet that does not consume energy for digestion (do not overstuff; we want the complete healthy burning of life, not smothering)
o no discursive thoughts (when noticed, go back to the task at hand; notice the onset of such mind activity)
o silence (be alert, mindful for any sign of sensation)
o no-speech (listen and observe with all senses to know the task at hand),
o away from the disturbance (of the world, unnecessary chores to divert the energy from the task, mission in life),
o change pace and direction in scanning as adequate as if to expose new areas
o every now and then expand the reach and contents of awareness to observe what is going on, (scan, probe, hear, smell, see – even in closed eyes, taste, touch as if to stimulate the life’s response from any angle).
o When using mind in daily life, do so full heartedly, be alert.
In a sense, it is as if to see our mind-body framework like a stone, and to objectively observe what is going on inside and its interface to the external world – real time. Then, listen and find out what IT (life) wants to express, by patiently observing what is going on without losing sensation in breathing or in other faculties. (This is seeing reality as it is.)
* Daisetsu said once, “It may be that simple breathing may make us happy.” (or something like that)
- If we do not pay attention to these points and just do scanning, it may become less productive, and lose the meaning behind it. In other words, we need to have the deep rooted problem-consciousness to break the sankhara and have a balanced mind-body for happy living. Revisiting the cause, slowing down/holding the breathing with utmost attention, changing the pace, etc. at times may help to activate the body cells. Although not to be abused, such procedure seems to create a condition that X (life force) to be channeled better as if to find ways to burn the fuel stored in the body more effectively. It is a way of exposing the problem as found in the practice of the Toyota production system. Limited resource/inventory helps to identify ways to burn that resource effectively. (Write a letter to Mr. Cho of Toyota) –--- call this here as “starve hypothesis”
- Although there are thousands of ways to scan the body as I discovered, it may be helpful to start to detect sensation in certain part of the body and capitalize on that experience. (Also, applicable in what I call, one-minute meditation) This is to hone the senses to detect the problem areas. Initial phase of meditation before finding the state of free flow can be facilitated in this fashion. I realize that such practice may violate the natural breathing and top-down prescribed way of scanning to a degree. However, as Mr. Goenka points in his discourse that stopping the breathing may accentuate to realize the subtle breathing, so far as this is not over used, these procedures may be found permissible.
- Instead of top-down (prescribed way) of scanning, I often scan somewhat creatively, and realize the free flow quickly. I may poke and go deeper, change the pace, change the direction of scan, or stay in one spot, etc. depending on the situation. Such may be the result of how I came to my bhanga experiences (I am not sure if this works to everyone). But as few people have also realized (Alex for example), it may be much better if we find the sensation deeper in the body or other areas, we may let go of the prescribed scanning process for a while to follow the nature’s call – so to speak. After all, such was the process (openness of mind) that helped me to discover bhanga. I noticed that assistant teacher typically emphasizes the orthodox process as if from the text book. I have noticed that certain flexibility may be in order to accommodate to such specific situation and listen to the nature’s call.
- Here is another specific technique I call here as, “dipping” that I found useful. It is to scan the body from various angles as if there is a plane glass passing through the body at a slow pace, say sideway, or any odd angle. Doing this creates a very distinct sensation that may have omitted by the top-down scan process as if to pick up the overlooked areas. Then after doing this from various angles, I often see my whole body activated at least at the surface level (perhaps an inch to few inches in depth). The sense of my whole body glowing is often felt in this procedure. At such a state, the free-flow of the whole body is ready to be realized.
- Although what I discussed may sound tedious and unrelated to the happiness of people for those unfamiliar to vipassana, it is similar to doing Samu(daily chore in Zen temple) to do the task at hand with full attention except that the object is in our body and the purpose is to know more about who we are. No word but actual experience can point what this is.
- When we do not have any place to escape to, yet finding the way out is an art of Zen. Vipassana has this same aim. It is the power of wisdom and compassion, which help to find the passage – or to express it freely. When this experience is gained, no words can describe the experience in its totality. Reality is an experience of sensation of here and now. It is being aware of the sense in our body as direct experience of what is going on. In that moment, there exist no numbers, time, concept, worries, and any other meaning found in our external world.
- The above discussion is also about balancing the conscious effort with the nature’s way – the eternal koan for humans. Yet, this conscious-unconscious balance/connection is a key in mastering the art of living. At certain point, conscious effort takes the lead. In another state, unconscious has to take over. At the end, what we want is to realize the existence of the boundary and to realize ways to bridge the conscious and unconscious with effortless effort of observation of what is. If we simply focus on the unconscious side, it may be that, for example, after 100 days of peaceful meditation, the man may end up in coming back to the modern day world for another round of struggle. (As pointed in the Wild fox koan of Zen, one is to “not to be blinded by the cause and effect” rather than “not to be fallen into the world of duality.”) So, use the brain and listen to the heart!
Here is a summary of daily practices that I found it useful. (Certainly, modify as appropriate. Perhaps, even playful to a degree.)
Beginning phase (few minutes or as needed; may do this the whole sitting as deemed appropriate)
1) Sit, calm down, and detect/sense any sensation in the body (hear, smell, touch, see, taste, mind activity)
2) Assure equanimity as the principle.
3) Let’s call these 1) and 2) as the Base Position of awareness and equanimity to come back at certain frequency for check-up
4) Stay at this position for a few minutes to check if all senses are functioning.
5) If there is any sensation, just observe and see if it propagates, diminish or else. If it propagates, observe how it spreads out to the other part of the body. Just observe. If it does not, do a brief scan (of awareness/sensation) throughout the body and see whether or not tiniest, subtlest sensation can be detected. (Always, be patient. We are to go against the old habitual pattern, break up sankhara, and move on.)
6) While going through this procedure, always check whether or not the mind is quiet. Check if we can detect the sign of any discursive thought popping up before it to take over the mind. If the thought is present, observe that thought objectively, let it be without fighting or trying to let go. As it vanishes, return to the Base Position of awareness and equanimity (perhaps go back to the breathing/anapana).
7) If going back to the Base Position is difficult, do slower, slightly forced breathing. Notice that intentionally slowing the breathing will bring the mind focused on that task. See if interference from the discursive mind becomes less and less. Also, observe if there are changes in the pattern of sensations. Note that there are various sensations always present in our body. Hone our mind to detect them as they are good indicators of the mind behavior.
8) These procedures are to assure that all senses are functioning. It is also to evaluate how stiff or flexible the mind-body is before starting the vipassana in a focused manner.
Focus on Vipassana
1) (Ultimately, the task is to see the level of sankhara and find ways to reduce/eliminate it. No matter what happens (i.e., successful or not), we are to remain equanimous. If our aim is liberation – total or partial, this is the path. Vipassana is simple, focused, scientific (so I think), and my experience points the benefit of it. Bit different from Zen, level of equanimity is another way to check how liberated one is. Furthermore, compared to Zazen or Sikantaza (Just sit) of Dogen, in spite of the similarity, vipassana is more accessible and its technique simple and well laid out.)
2) First, realize the level/location of sankhara (i.e, gross sensation) from the evaluation at the Base Position previously mentioned. (This prepares one to the task at hand. It may be found rather easy if the free flow is detected already in the beginning phase. Still, one may pursue to reach the depth of sensation and for deep sankhara to be eliminated for more advancement. If the free flow is not detected, one may need to work hard and diligently go through the process of anapana (sharpen the mind, stay in now) and vipassana (scan and develop the free flow toward bangha and beyond) )
3) Work from the top of the head. Scan all parts of the body down to the tip of the toe. Do this diligently with calm and equanimous mind, but take advantage of the overall review results gained earlier, i.e., accelerate certain area where free flow is apparent and focus on areas that are blind/blocked/not subtle/painful, etc. Obviously speed depends on how many blocks are prevailing. Do not slack. Work diligently.
4) At a certain point (can be fairly early), use the technique of what I may call here as “dipping” which is to pass our body through imaginary “plane” (or imaginary glass window) at a certain angle). This is contrasted to the scanning with “ring” going up and down through the body as explained by Mr. Goenka. The main difference is the angle, e.g., side way. I found that such action picks up the hidden areas that were not scanned (especially inside the body) by the top-down scanning procedure. At the most heightened state, dipping may be related to the “stream-entry” kind of sensation – whatever that is.
5) When dipping is done from various angles, eventually, the body may be covered by the blissful sensations. This is like finding a free flow zone at the surface of the body (unless the free flow is there in the whole body already at this point). Then, we may penetrate into the spine from the top to the bottom, perhaps finding the sensation that was not apparent before.
6) Combine 5) with top-to-bottom free flow, sweep-in-mass procedure, as appropriate.
7) As opposed to, or added to the dipping, “poking” may be found also effective. This is like poking the body with stick from various angles. Goenka mentioned the analogy of welding stick, penetrating into the body from different angle. It usually give the sense of seeing how responsive our body is and how honed our mind is.
8) Focus on the blocked parts of the body one by one up to 1-2 minutes to find the nature of the blocked, or blind area. Repeat 3)-7) as appropriate.
9) As free flow becomes apparent throughout the body or perhaps one is tired of the procedure, do the overall review so that one can strategize the next step, e.g., sweep in mass. (Or, perhaps, take rest, observe the whole, go deeper, find different kinds of sensation, etc.)
10)One may also stay in Nehan Jakujyou (Peaceful state of heavenly sensation and/or nothingness.) Just observe what is. Be empty. Be full.
11)While doing the above, keep checking the mental quality. If boredom, aversion, craving, day-dreaming, etc. is observed, find that if that is connected to certain sensation (or lack thereof) in the body. Observe and see until the thoughts vanish. Take break as needed. This is not the competition of how long one can sit, how many various sensations one can experience, how many banghas, etc. The name of the game is awareness and equanimity and bring that state/understanding reflected in our daily life.
On the tenth day, I met and shared experiences, etc. with Contractor, Singer Song Writer, Software engineer, Hung-rider sportsman, Neurology Professor, and few who are involved in helping people with mental disorder. Here are some of the notable comments:
a) Recovering from drug addict problem:
A lady commented that she took four vipassana courses in the past six months that resulted in quitting drug and alcohol problems. After the first course, she tried drug and alcohol once, respectively. Yet, she then realized (by observing the sensation in her body) the wastefulness of such activity that she was able to quit these “abuse” to her. To be certain and not to drift back to these problems, she decided to attend the course three more times in the next five months to establish herself in the technique and to live the life with dhamma.
b) Singer song writer’s pursuit for a new music:
Although I was not aware, there was a famous singer-song-writer sitting next to me for the whole period without me realizing until we finally saw the face with each other on the tenth day. In the last five months, he also attended four courses although it is usually recommended to take once a year. One of his missions is to touch the source of creativity in writing songs. His name is Rivers Cuomo who is the lead singer in the Rock band called Weezer. Since one of my interests is to find the mechanism of inspiration, I asked him if he could share the finding in the future as appropriate.
c) Tree is doing vipassana:
My ride share partner, Alex, and I shared the experience in our ride back to LA. One of many talks we shared was that she had an experience of realizing that the tree was doing vipassana, which sounded as if the same experience that I often have. She said, she touched the tree, as she felt very close to it. Hearing this, I was ecstatic to know that there was someone who found the “touch of life” like I felt.
She pointed out that fasting helps to meditate better. Although we get only two meals a day, one at 6AM and another at 11AM, she felt like skipping the 6AM meal (cereal and bread) to have better meditation. What is interesting, again, is that there is a connection to Lean Production and Shop Floor Management (books I wrote) in the sense that reduced inventory exposes the problem and helps us to focus tasks at hand. In meditation, I feel reduced breathing (in some case, stopped breathing) also reduced the blood flowing into the conscious part of the brain and more to the needed area of the body (I am guessing). Of course, in vipassana, scanning of body seems to help to push the puss out of the system to clean up and create the agile, energetic, flexible, active, vigilant, alert, stress resistant, no-fat, healthy mind-body system. (This ties to be close to the customer, finding a pain-feeling organization/glass wall management although one needs to understand what this means by one’s body!)
I then thought that this could be the reason why I stopped to go to the busy places, to drink alcohol, or to be involved in what appears to be useless conversation, which only stirs the mind for no good reason. Instead, I started to appreciate more of the sounds of birds, wind chime, shining spider web, etc. To be able to see that the tree is doing vipassana (equivalent of everything having the Buddha nature) may be a way of touching such reality.
* Here is my note from my second vipassana retreat report.: “One day, perhaps around 7th or 8th day, as I was looking at a tree, I intuitively understood what the tree is. They are also practicing vipassana! They find a way to grow new branches, or address problems such as broken branches by paying attention. They scan the entire frame of the tree to see how and where life energy needs to be channeled. I do not know if we can identify such function of a tree scientifically. But, I see all the growth and healing follows this principle way – if not the evolution of species.”
d) Getting rid of sexual fantasy and its karmic influences:
This is the story of a person who, I believe, teaches piano in his profession. He seemed to be in his 50s. He said he was strongly influenced by pornography in his youth mainly through his older brothers. Funny thing is that he appeared to be very calm, gentle person with beautiful smile. In the first meditation, he said he went through experiences of facing sexual images one after the other. By remaining calm to face these images popping up in his mind*, he seemed to have discharged, dissolved these sankharas. He now found himself free from them as he realized his relationship with his wife.
He also had a problem of a disease of throat for many years, but he found that on the first course, he found that this was gone. His three children noted his improved mental balance. This caused them to take children’s course (2-3 day course on anapana). His wife is planning to take a course soon.
* It is interesting to compare here that the image that popped up in my mind has been a snap shot of various scenes (no human in presence) as if I watch still shot pictures at almost random sequence. In this retreat, the same happened again and I may have seen 1000s of pictures in the 10 days – rarely was there a same picture. It may be that the image memories stored in the unconscious part of brain is stimulated as in the experiments of Penrose (Nobel prize winner: I incorrectly wrote as Penfield in 2nd retreat report). This may correspond to the situation where sankhara/puss is pushed out as detailed scanning exposes these unprocessed image/experiences.
e) Going through a divorce
In my first course, I met Kevin, who is a veteran of vipassana, having attended 16 courses or so every year except missing one last year due to his divorce. He felt that the seed of divorce was there in the earlier years. He thought vipassana exposed that problem. He also mentioned that vipassana helped him to make sure that the decision was the right one. He pointed that his previous wife and two daughters are in good terms. He seems to understand the technique very well. He sits for one hour every morning and 20-30 minutes in the evening. He points that he has not had bangha experience, which does not deter him from proceeding on this path with equanimity. It was funny that when the noble silence was over, we both felt that the noise coming from the dining room sounded like a bar of some sort. So, we ate the meal outside.
A falling leaf,
dancing through the air,
this quiet afternoon.
The sound of wind
from the pine trees,
passing through my mind.
A chaparral tree in the wind,
Magical dance of its brunches,
where is my mind?
A thin pink-colored cloud,
In the early morning sun,
Glad to meet You again.
A sound of a chime,
and the singing of birds,
my cells dance in resonance.
Rain drops on my tent,
As I meditate inside,
Is there anything missing?
The sound of wind chime,
Welcoming my return to home,
murmuring of dhamma.
Practice a good discipline (note that as in the 10-day vipassana course, this “355-day course” (=365-10 days, if I were to attend the next ten-day course) requires certain discipline):
Food:
- Do not eat much to keep the mind clear, and keep the “complete” combustion of life going.
Breathing:
- Study the effect of slow/withholding breathing.
Scanning:
- Keep in mind for two distinctly different processes: 1) Firework-like one, and 2) Honey-like one. It may depend on the speed of scanning.
Timings:
- Although I get subtle sensation rapidly, I plan to practice vipassana perhaps one hour in the morning.
- One-minute meditation: In everyday life, practice short meditations for refreshment. After all, what is the use of living if our mind is unclear, unfocused, or inattentive? (e.g., check sensation every now and then whatever I may be doing at the time.
Fully engage in the task at hand:
- Every now and then, pay full attention in the act, e.g., walking, work, breathing, etc. and be one with the task.
- Move the body consciously, and slowly.
- Check the connection of sensation and the state of here-and-now mind.
Tracking of progress:
- Review progress periodically and post it at the vipassana meditators forum (yahoo group).
- Keep contact with vipassana friends (perhaps, organize sitting, discussion (share progress), and go for a hike event every once in a while)
Write a letter to Mr. Cho of Toyota Re, vipassana and Toyota production system. (Mr. Ohno’s while circle experiment, confirm the origin of TPS)
Prepare for the innovation/inspiration seminar: five hindrances, craving, aversion, physical sloth and torpor, agitation and worry, and doubt and uncertainty - and fixed mind-set. Stimulation, use hands/body to collect hands-on information, objectively observe, etc. Discuss and characterize breakthrough moments, etc.
Check and balance is something I can do. So, I revisited the past three retreat reports to see how I am doing. I found that it was very much refreshing. I am glad that I kept these notes so that I can reflect back. Be humble!!!
Here are few findings:
1) To attend this retreat, I did not review the reports beforehand (due to lack of time caused by my traveling). However, I thought that it was good to be open and not to expect anything. I found that this was both good and bad. It was good, in the sense that I was open to whatever is to take place. It was bad, in the sense that I had a sense of “almost mastered in techniques” before the retreat and that it was as if I lost the beginner’s mind.
2) When I re-read the past reports, I could remember my sincerity in attending those retreats. My alert mind was apparent – some of which I felt like I lost this time. What is funny is that although I had felt as being very happy and equanimous in my daily life prior to the retreat – with dhamma, the course’s structure, mainly its rigidity creating a conflict in my exploratory curiosity, produced some disturbance in me.
3) On one hand, I feel I am ready to explore the world as opposed to meditate in the black box – so to speak. On the other hand, I am to resolve this in a balanced, harmonious manner. The test is given from moment to moment.
4) What is interesting and funny is that I get into much deeper Samadhi at home than at the center. It may be that my nature does not match well with too specific instructions. As I did before, it may be best to ignore the specific instruction and find/explore the way on my own (so far as the basic is covered).
It was interesting to read the first report to find the same theme repeated then. But perhaps most importantly, I felt that I was more careful, dedicated, and sincere with beginner’s mind in my pursuit then than now. Here are few of the phrases I picked up from the report:
“…when free flow occurs you face a dangerous situation. This is the stage a subtle craving will start… This craving must go away. You must learn to stop relishing the pleasant sensations. You must discern the danger in them… A pleasant sensation appears to be pleasant, but it is really suffering… It is dukka, it is bondage. As the Buddha said, …Whatever sensation one is experiencing, it is actually dukka, dukka, dukka (misery)”
“Within the field of mind and matter, there is constant contact, because of which there is vedana (sensation), whether pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. To be free of vedana is to be free of misery. And only way to be free of vedana is to stop giving new fuel to fire. Let it burn out. It is so simple and yet so difficult.”
From p.3 Vipassana Newsletter Vol 27, No.2, July , 2,000
By learning to observe sensation objectively, we can avoid any new reactions of craving or aversion, and can experience directly within oneself the reality of impermanence. This experience is essential for the development of detachment, leading to liberation of the mind. Yet, as we succeed in doing this, we may experience yet very pleasurable sensation. When this happens, we need to see this again as mere sensation and continue the path to observe this objectively and with equanimity as it merely represents the impermanence, the nature as it is. Seeing this is wisdom.
As mentioned before on the snare of Mara, such strong sensation may be taken as something very attractive that we may be easily captured mistakenly. I believe that this lead to the point of having the right view in the eight-fold path so that we can be wise as to not to cause craving. Thus, we can avoid potential misunderstanding, which leads to misery for us as well as for others we associate with. (I am glad that I kept this note to remind me of the importance of equanimity and defend against the snare of Mara.)
…The progress does not have to be measured by the physical sensation, e.g., free flow.
“Personal realization of truth will automatically change the habit pattern of the mind so that one starts to live according to the truth. Every action becomes directed toward one’s own good and the good of others.” (Art of Living, p.33)
“Whatever suffering arises has a reaction as its cause.
If all reactions ceases to be, then there is no more suffering."
- Sutta Nipata, III, 12 (Art of Living, p.38)
“I meditated the first 2-hour sitting on the ninth day to test my skill to dissolve reactionary mind's mischievous act. Whether physical pain or disturbance in mind is noticed, I observed it with equanimity. Like scientist, I objectively scanned the area to identify the nature of the pain from different angles. If I found pain and I were separate, I threw myself into it. In other words, there was no sense of self as if experience is experiencing itself in this state. Or, observer(me) and observed(pain) are one. This is the absolute world of samadhi for the insight to take place. Stiffness of neck, blank spot on the belly, or locally pressured sense of feet, one after the other, pain got dissolved or blank spot became clear to reveal what they are.
As noted before, virtually all physical pains, in fact, represented psychological pains. So, this exercise proved to me that many are delusions/stresses that we create but can be eradicated by mere observation. This exercise also gave me an understanding that memories in our mind are most likely stored together with our body's memories. This seems likely because the situation of event that developed sankhara is linked to physical memory at the time of the experience. Penrose found that by giving electrical stimuli to a part of brain could bring back certain life's event vividly as if reliving the moment. Vipassana is to undo the faults in the programming, which caused the wiring of neurons that is unproductive in living our life.
Not just blockages, pains etc. in my physical body, I also observed the thoughts that came up in my mind the same way. One after the other, these thoughts were dissolved by "observation." In a way, it might be similar(?!) to Buddha defeating the Mara's attack during his meditation. By this time, my samadhi was deep and strong enough to counter the arising delusions. For two hours, I kept on working. It took some energy to go through this process while there were moments of free flow here and there. In any case, this was my first conscious experiment of addressing the mind-body impurities, preparing the life after the retreat.
As I see it, all words of Buddha represent the insights that were derived from such resolution process. Shila is seen as a moral conduct. But, all words of Buddha may be seen as representing shila in a broader sense as an expression of dharma. Of course, we need to be able to make these words alive as if koan is to be found as experiential truth.
(Note: The process mentioned here ties with the middle way - in the sense of interaction between conscious and unconscious, and PDCA process of management/problem solving. So, there is a relationship to individual and organization's path/progress. Here, the process is immediate, small loop - so to speak, as opposed to the large loop that may be experienced when we run a (mini-) company as a part of the Life Management process. Living as a human or working in an organization is like dealing with very complex feedback system. It is crucial for us to master the skill of insight generation.)
“As Mr. Goenka pointed out, it is clear that equanimity or no attachment is the prerequisite of sending metta(loving kindness) to others. Otherwise, internal conflict/bias is created and sankhara developed. So, metta is only genuine when the right condition is established. Equanimity is the ultimate goal as well as the basis of all of our wholesome act. If any of our life's activity is not based on equanimity, sankhara is created and the law of multiplication prevails within us and with others. As much as rituals, blind faith, or sankhara are to be converted to wisdom and compassion, all of eight-fold noble path can be practiced only when equanimity is the base. (Note "From the moment we are born to the moment we die, there is the in-breath and the out-breath. Every time we breathe in or out, the breath touches near the nostrils. Every time it touches we should be aware of it." - Webu Sayadaw)”
“With equanimity, we "see" things as it is without the disturbance caused by our reactionary mind, we use "words," "act" and live the "livelihood" without bias. Our "efforts" are focused yet balanced and "attentiveness" and "concentration" are pure. So, purity of mind brings the right "understanding" from equanimity. However, equanimity in the narrow sense such as concentration to image or fixed object is not what we are after. We are to be aware of anything going on in our mind-body.”
To act with the equanimity in its “ideal” form and that any action that is taken is touching the core of our being, all sankhara need to be eliminated. For that, vipassana is considered as a means to effectively eradicate the errors in our conditioned mind while finding a connection to the unconscious. This is more than being here and now at occasion even though being here and now, and being one with the task at hand is all we can do. Then, equanimity is a prerequisite for vipassana. So, this represents a circular logic, or paradoxical situation. (“the techniques help develop equanimity while equanimity helps practicing the technique.” – from my second retreat report)
Further, we can eradicate errors at real time as we observe what is going on when we are off the track in daily life - so far as we sensibly realize, detect, be aware of what is going on. If we cannot realize what is going on, it is equivalent of not having awareness. So, here is another circular logic. (From my second retreat repot, “In any case, the faith mind seems to be the source of such a miracle. Caught up by itself, seeking mind cannot find what it is missing.” Or, from the third retreat, “This is catch-22 situation. More awareness, more wisdom. More wisdom, more awareness.” )
This paradox is summarized in such statements as: If we are to seek for IT (dhamma, equanimity, enlightenment), we cannot find IT. If we try to escape from delusion, we cannot escape from it. Or, Dogen says: To realize delusion is enlightenment. To seek for enlightenment is delusion. Or, Ikkyu? Says something like: There is a treasure in the mountain. For those who have no desire to find it, find it. Zen simply points to this FACT.
In meditation, this point is experienced directly. Effortless effort, is the only way to find the Nehan Jyakujo (Peace in heaven) – no attachment, no ego, and letting everything to flow. As soon as ego, logic, words were to play on its own without the connection to the core of being, there is a danger of getting lost. (as experienced in my experience on the 6 and 7th day. It appears that I was then hastily figuring out the way of wholesome act without having equanimity and awareness, thus losing the balance and creating a trap for myself.) What is interesting is that the retreat like this forces one to be tested in such condition – which is always a creation of one’s own when it is seen. Once you think you got it, you are, again, back in the trap. This slippery business of interplay of conscious and unconscious seems to have still many lessons to teach me - perhaps only to realize that this is the middle way for me to keep moving on.
Wind chime is making its innocent sound outside. Birds are chirping to communicate the world of Nehan Jyakujou as if to inspire us to tackle the task of our life. Now, let’s move on with the fresh, lively spirit! It may be that because of the paradox, there is that life energy to move us forward for the wholesome path!
When I was about to sum up this report, I had a dream one night. It was a dream of me coming to an unfamiliar town and leaving my bicycle at a parking area. After walking into this town, I met a person from the town. Having had a discussion, he led the way back to my bicycle while we kept on talking. Then, I realized that he is leading me to the unfamiliar direction and that we could not find my bike any more. Eventually, I recollected the memory, asked a person, and found the way back to my bike.
This is a funny dream, so I thought, and I studied, as I do not dream so often, especially this kind. What I figured later was that the message of the dream is, “Be your own master.” There are various interactions and stimuli we receive in life. If we are not clear as to where we stand, we may be easily lost. The disturbance may include certain instruction of the technique (due to its limited nature), friend’s advice, books, etc., etc. The moral of the story is, therefore, know what is going on and do not get into the trap.
May all have a good day, and good life!
May all beings be happy!!!
FYI, here are reports from the past retreats;
- My first retreat: http://www.oocities.org/suzakico/vipassanareport.html
- My second retreat: http://www.oocities.org/suzakico/vipassanareport2.html
- My third retreat: http://www.oocities.org/suzakico/vipassanareport3.html
* Back to my home page: http://www.oocities.org/suzakico/index.html