| Chapter 3- Don't Wanna Lose You Now |
| I never thought that I would lose my mind/That I could control this/Never thought that I'd be left behind/That I was stronger than you, baby “Brian and Leighanne…” Nick started as he felt a familiar sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. It worsened as he watched Leighanne place her protective arm around Brian as she smiled at Nick, almost enjoying the pain he was trying desperately to hide. He glanced down at Howie who was sitting next to him at the table, smiling up at him and urging him to continue. Nick felt somewhat comforted by his presence and went on. “Brian, you have been my best friend for as long as I can remember. You’ve been through a lot and have always been there for me when I needed you. I’m sure that the other guys would agree that you have been a huge part in keeping us together and could always make us happy with your smile.” Nick paused, feeling the tears building in his eyes, and tried to control them. He didn’t want to ruin this for Brian. If it was what he truly wanted, then he should be happy. Yet, Nick constantly doubted if Leighanne was the right one that would make him happy. Nick knew that he would now have to admit not only to himself, but to all the people in front of him that Leighanne was now the most important thing in Brian’s life. She was the one now that made him smile. “ Leighanne, you make Brian flash that beautiful smile, you make him happy. I speak for all of us when I say ‘Congratulations’ and may your marriage be full of love and happiness.” Howie could see the pain and tears building in Nick’s eyes as he led the room in applause for Nick’s short speech. Nick sat down slowly and took a sip of the champagne placed on the table in front of him. His heart was breaking. Somewhere in the depths of his heart he had always thought he would be with Brian forever. Any hope was gone. He wasn’t just losing his best friend, he was losing a part of himself. Howie moved his hand underneath the table and placed it lovingly over Nick’s, squeezing it tightly. “You okay?” he asked softly. Nick simply shook his head “yes” afraid to speak that his voice might crack with sadness. Howie realized that the past months of trying to ignore what was evidently going to happen became useless as all of his feelings flooded back. Brian sat quietly while Nick spoke, but his thoughts and heart were racing. Leighanne’s arm around him wasn’t helping either. It was moments like these that he wanted to focus solely on Nick. Brian hadn’t been able to sleep for weeks. As the wedding approached and plans became finalized, he grew more and more worried that what he was about to do could possibly be the biggest mistake of his life. He was in a complete state of confusion. Kevin, Leighanne and his family were so happy that he was marrying a wholesome girl that would bring normality and stability to his life. Brian constantly heard reassurance from both Kevin and Leighanne that he should have no doubts. It was true, Brian couldn’t deny that Leighanne was a wonderful person and he did love her. He wouldn’t have asked her to marry him if he didn’t care for her. The problem was that Brian didn’t know if he loved her for a lifetime, forever. The kind of love that he would never grow tired of, constantly find something new to enjoy, the kind of love that he thought he once had… These thoughts had been plaguing him for months, but as the wedding grew closer, so did Brian’s apprehension. He knew it was too late to call off the wedding, hell , he wasn’t even sure if that was what he wanted to do, but the thought of that commitment to a love that he wasn’t sure of, was what he knew he definitely did not want. Brian didn’t tell anyone of his thoughts, but he knew that his mom probably had to have noticed. She always seemed to know when he was hiding something. Brian was brought up to be kind, loving and generous. Sometimes that came as a disadvantage. He now felt locked into this situation and knew that love should not have to feel like that. It began weeks ago when Leighanne had brought up sex, even though she knew that Brian had opposed it before saying that he wanted to wait till they were married. The truth that Brian soon came to realize is that he didn’t want to make that commitment either until he was sure. And I wish that I didn't need you so bad/ You're face just won't go away Brian was beating himself up constantly all the way up until the rehearsal dinner. As he saw his best friend stand up and attempt to convince a room full of his friends and family that Leighanne was what was best for Brian. When Nick looked into Brian’s eyes and told him that he made him happy, it was then that Brian realized the same exact thing. ‘You make me happy’ Brian thought to himself. It was almost an epiphany that came extremely too late. Brian always believed in signs from God, and those words that came from Nick’s mouth at the same time Brian was trying to figure out what did make him happy, was as close to a miracle than he could have wished for. It was as if he couldn’t even feel Leighanne’s arm around him, nor did he remember that they were in a room full of people. It was as if they were alone again, together. Brian continued to stare at Nick as he heard clapping. All he could do was look at the boy that had grown into the man that he now realized he loved more than anything else. He was soon thrown back into reality as Leighanne placed a kiss on his cheek. “Brian honey…” he heard as he met Nick’s teary eyes once more before looking at his bride to be. Nick stared at him with an empty, brokenhearted gaze, a look that he could not wipe from his mind. Suddenly Howie’s cell phone rang and he answered it. “Hi momma” Howie said, smiling at Nick. Nick smiled knowing why she was calling and how he would have to hug her later for it. “Ok…mm hmm…see you soon. Love you too Momma.” Howie said, hanging up the phone and putting it back in his pocket. “I’m sorry Brian…Leighanne…We’re gonna have to get going. That was my mom, she just got into the airport so we have to go pick her up.” Nick and Brian continued to stare at each other until Leighanne interrupted. “Ok sounds good Howie. See you both tomorrow morning!” Leighanne grabbed Brian’s hand and led him to a nearby table. “C’mon honey, we have to say ‘hi’ to everyone before they all leave!” Brian and Nick couldn’t exchange goodbyes as neither of them could talk. Their eyes expressed all the love, hurt, and pain as Brian was once again pulled away from Nick. They turned to go their separate ways, but as Brian reached a nearby table, he turned around to see Nick following Howie out the door. Brian only saw the back of his beautiful blond hair walking away from him. “Honey…”Leighanne beckoned again. Brian’s mind was once again somewhere else. Even though he knew that Nick had repeatedly said that he and Howie were only friends, a small part of him wondered if Nick had moved on. He realized how much he had hurt Nick and wasn’t sure that even if he did go to him and beg for forgiveness, Nick might not even take him back. The thoughts of a stable life with his soon to be wife crept back into his mind. He questioned why he would risk everything with Leigh…a stable marriage that would satisfy everyone…for a chance that his life long love would take him back. Don't wanna lose you know...I've got this feeling you're not gonna stay/ It's burning within me / The fear of losing/Of slipping away Right before Nick left the room he turned around once more to see Brian. Almost as if he needed to affirm for that last time that he really was going to be married, that once and for all he had lost his angel. Brian’s arm was wrapped around Leighanne’s waist, his eyes locked on her as if he was in a trance. Nick looked down at the gleaming ring on Brian’s hand. ‘That bond’ he thought, ‘will be finalized in only a few hours.’ “Goodbye Brian.” Nick whispered as he followed Howie out to his Escalade. Brian felt a sudden pain in his heart. He turned around to see Nick once more, but he was gone. Jackie Littrell sat nearby, watching the exchange between her beloved son and Nick. She could see the pain and confusion in both of their eyes. She knew that her son needed help and she might possibly be the only one that could truly help him. |