| Comfort and Courage- Chapter 6 |
| Brian held Leighanne in his arms as they both prepared to leave the rehearsal dinner. Everyone had gone home, except for their parents who were waiting to take each of them home. “I can’t wait till tomorrow, to become yours, forever” Leighanne said. Brian’s stomach turned over again as he heard the word “forever” escape from her lips. Brian’s heart and mind continued to battle that night. His mind arguing that Leighanne was the “right” choice and his heart telling him that he couldn’t let go of his first true love and who would make him the happiest. With every minute that passed that evening, Brian’s palms became sweatier, his stomach churned and many times that night he thought he was going to pass out. It wasn’t love that was on his mind that night, it was fear, and that was what he was so worried about. Brian slowly pulled away from the embrace and wished Leighanne goodnight by kissing her on her cheek. “Till tomorrow.” He said, forcing a smile as he headed towards his parent’s car. He opened the door and sat down quietly in the backseat as his father drove them back to their house. “Well son, are you ready for the big day tomorrow? Aren’t having cold feet are you?” Harold said looking at his son in the back seat who was staring out the window, watching the rainfall. “Brian?” Harold asked again. “ What Dad? Oh…no…” Brian said, lost in his thoughts. Harold looked over at his wife who seemed to be in the same state of mind that Brian was in. Harold never completely understood the relationship that Jackie had with their son. She always knew when something was bothering Brian, even if he didn’t want to tell her about it. He placed his hand on her leg as she turned to smile at him. Whatever was wrong with Brian, she would get to the bottom of it. Harold soon went to bed after they arrived home around 10 pm, stating that he had a long day the next day and would need his rest, also suggesting that the rest of his family did the same. Brian’s brother Harold arrived home from a meeting while they were at the rehearsal dinner and he had already gone to bed. He left Brian a note in his room “ Good luck tomorrow bro, see you in the morning.” Brian smiled as he read the note and placed it on his nearby desk. His room was still the same as it been in high school, decorated in blue and white with Kentucky Wildcats memorabilia scattered around the room. One thing had changed. Next to a picture of his brother and him in their baseball uniforms as children was the framed photo of him and Nick on the boat in Argentina. He remembered Christmas night when he had received it from Nick. He stared at that picture almost all night before falling asleep and dreaming of the times they had spent together. Jackie had found him the next morning, curled up in bed and grasping onto the picture tightly. She recognized then that Nick was still a large part of Brian’s heart, large enough to put doubts in his mind about marrying Leighanne. As Brian got changed into an old Kentucky t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, he heard the teakettle whistling, he sighed, “Mom….” He remembered the night that they had one of the most important discussions of his life. It was after Nick had left from a weekend at their home. Jackie had gone outside to call them for dinner and when she got no response she walked down the path to the lake to find them. She stopped in her tracks as she saw them embracing and gasped as she saw Brian kiss Nick softly on his cheek. She wasn’t sure how to react. She turned back to the house without saying a word and figured they would return soon, it was getting dark. She entered the kitchen and sat down, staring into the flames of the fire burning in her nearby living room. Jackie knew that they were close, but never suspected they were closer than she thought. Dinner was served and Nick left that night. Around midnight, Jackie was still sitting in the kitchen trying to comprehend what she had seen that day and how they were going to handle it. She put on the teakettle and within minutes, Brian had entered the room. “Mom…I need to talk to you.” “I need to talk to you too son.” Jackie insisted that Brian speak first and was grateful that he told her the truth before she had to confront him. She was also thankful that she had had more time to think about it than to be confronted with the thought of a gay or bisexual son in front of him as he waited anxiously for her reaction. She waited a few minutes before answering him. “ Brian, honey, you know that I love you no matter what. I think it will take some time for me to accept, but I love both you and Nick. All I can ask Brian is that you take things slowly. Love itself is new for both of you, and you can’t risk your blossoming careers on something both of you are new too.” Brian reached across the table and wiped the tears that had fallen from Jackie’s cheeks. He could tell that she was repressing some anger and shock, but was so thankful that he had such an understanding and loving mother. Brian explained to her that Nick wasn’t going to tell Jane, afraid of how she might react, but he promised Jackie and himself that he would always be honest with his mother, he loved and adored her too much to lie. Jackie smiled at her son as he approached the kitchen. “Glad you could join me…can’t sleep honey?” She asked caringly. “Not really…Mom, can I talk to you?” Jackie turned around to face her son as he stood before her. “Honey you know you can tell me anything.” He smiled at her statement. “ I know Mom, but I really don’t know how you’re gonna take this…I can barely handle it myself.” Jackie put her hand on her son’s back and led him to the nearby couch in their living room. “Let’s go sit down.” She suggested. “ Ok honey, what’s on your mind? Is it something about the wedding?” Jackie didn’t want to automatically make assumptions that the problem was Nick. She could see the torment in Brian’s eyes. She knew that her son didn’t want to hurt Leighanne, Nick, or his family, and she could tell that he was trying to figure out a way to please everyone. “Mom…” Brian started, his voice shaking from what he was about to admit to his mother. She placed her hand on his own and squeezed it tightly.” “It’s ok Brian, just take your time and tell me what’s on your mind.” Brian took a deep breath and tried to calm down, seeing the comforting smile on his mother’s face. He couldn’t figure out a way to slowly lead in to what he wanted to tell her so he closed his eyes, felt the pain in his heart reminding him of how much he still loved Nick, and blurted out, “ I don’t think I can do it Mom…I can’t marry her.” He opened his eyes and saw his mother still looking back at him straight into his eyes, her hand squeezing even more tightly onto his own. “You sound unsure honey…” she said calmly. “It’s because I’m so confused!” Brian said, becoming upset as he vented his frustration. “Well it can really be a very simple decision.” Jackie said, knowing that if she stayed calm and rational about what was happening that her son would try to do the same. She wanted her son to be happy, and even if that meant that no one else would accept his happiness, she would stand by him no matter what. “It can be?” Brian asked surprised and a little shocked at his mother’s calmness. He had just told her that he might call off the wedding they had been planning for months and she didn’t seem upset at all. “You just have to honestly ask yourself one question honey.” Jackie said. “Do you love Leighanne enough to spend the rest of your life with her and devote yourself to her completely, without any doubt?” Jackie said, stressing the last words, knowing that it was exactly the question that Brian had been debating. Brian lowered his head for a moment, still holding onto this mother’s hand tightly. Hearing her say those words struck a cord in his heart. He had always been completely honest with his mother, and this time would be no different. He realized that this was such a life changing decision that if he had any doubt in his mind he shouldn’t follow through with it. He raised his head and looked back into her loving eyes as he shook his head “no” and broke down in tears. Jackie held her shaking son in her arms as tears fell down her own cheeks from seeing her son in so much pain. “What…What am I gonna do momma? …She’s gonna.. she’s gonna hate me…” Brian said between sobs. Jackie ran her hand up and down her sons back, trying to calm him as she wiped her own tears with the other. “Shhhh, honey…Listen to me.” She said, pulling Brian up to meet her once again as he wiped his face. “This is your precious life that God has blessed you with. You are the one that will decide what do to with it and you know what or who truly makes you happy…and I think deep down in your heart…you know who that is…” Brian felt tears running down his cheeks as he whispered, “ Nick.” Jackie shook her head “yes” and pulled him to her to embrace him once again. He held onto her tightly, still not believing how understanding she was after everything he had put her through. “But…” Jackie said, “ You need to tell them both how you feel. First Leighanne. Face to face.” Brian pulled away from his mother’s arms and she could see the fear in his eyes. “I’m going to break her heart mom.” Brian said, still sobbing. “No more than you would have years from now in an unhappy marriage. If you love her at all Brian, and I know you do, you have to tell her the truth.” “And then I have to tell Nick…” Brian said looking into the nearby fireplace. “What if he doesn’t want me back? I’m the one who ended everything…I’m the one who thought it wasn’t right.” “You were scared honey…scared of the real love that you two shared…You were right at the time, you were both too young.” Jackie said lovingly. “But I’m ready now Mom…I love him.” Brian felt the knots in his stomach loosen and the pain in his heart turn to happiness as he heard himself say aloud how much he cared for Nick. Jackie smiled. “ I know honey, and I could see how he feels tonight. He just needs to hear it from you.” Brian looked back at his mother and smiled. “ I’m so lucky to have a wonderful mom like you.” Brian said as he hugged his mother tightly. “ I love you.” he said. “I love you to Brian.” She said smiling and hoping that her beloved son would finally find happiness. |