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A "B" Movie By Michael Griffin and Tom Harris |
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When the morning came, the sun rose like a big, orange bubble, and it set like a big, red ball. Max sat alone at his table, reading theTV Guide. He wanted to videotape a special movie about bees. He had read that this this movie starred Jane Fonda as Marilyn Monroe and Don Johnson played a psychotic beekeeper from South Dakota, who relished his bees, as did his mother, played by Carol Channing. Max often dreamed of movies like this! He couldn't wait until this movie came on TV, so he stayed home for years waiting for this movie to air. He is so fanatical, he dressed like Jane Fonda and pretends that Don Johnson is close by his house! Max called his friend, Biff to come and play the part of Don Johnson and make dinner out of honey! Biff thought that Max as not sane. Biff refused to dress up like Don Johnson, but said "OK, I'll come over to your house, but I refuse to dress like Don Johnson, or any other fantasy character you want me to dress as. I'm not that big on bees anyway. However, I will make dinner from honey." Max sadly sobbed to Biff, "Pleeease! Your Don Johnson is great! I love you! Pleeease indulge my twisted lusts for Don Johnson!" Biff relented furiously, and said "OK, Max, I'll be over in two hours. The movie starts then." "Hurry! I'm so tingly! I'll get the hammer for you, so you can make the dinner!" Later, Biff showered, dressed, and proceeded to go across town to Max's apartment. Max was waiting anxiously with a hammer and a beehive. Biff took out his trusty can of Raid and sprayed cautiously, so Max wouldn't get stung. Bees dropped like rain from the beehive, and Max giggled feverishly. "Wheee! Look at all the dead bees! They're all dropping like flies!" Biff took the beehive and squeezed it hard. Max giggled more feverishly and gleefully urged Biff to squeeze his beehive harder! Honey oozed out like a waterfall, and dripped onto Biff's toes. "Look at the hammer! It is full of goo! I seriously think that you are going to need a hammer cleaner before this meal is complete!" They entered the apartment and turned on the TV, honey dripping everywhere. "Darnit! We forgot the bees! They're the main course!" Max said. Biff quickly gathered up the dead bees and hammered each into paste. Jane Fonda was just entering the story as Marilyn Monroe. Shelly Winters was also in the film as a large honey-loving waitress from Sheboygan, who wanted Don Johnson to find her lots o' honey. Soon, Carol Channing arrived and flaunted her apiary before Marilyn's eyes. Bees swarmed around Marilyn's head, caused extreme changes in her looks. Don Johnson was still not well versed in apiary etiquette, so he made Shelly Winters eat all of the beeswax. Shelly died. Meanwhile, Don Johnson was surveying the damage to Marilyn's features. She looked exactly like Peter Lorre with a bad cold. Max gasped as the film progressed. Biff was disgusted to no end. He gloomily grabbed the hammer and smashed the TV set. Max exploded into tears. Max said, "You horrid thing! How dare you smash my TV! You must pay with your life!" Max proceeded to beat Biff severely with the hammer and caused Biff to eat a large ham. Biff and Max then forgave each other, and gave the bees a kiss on their mashed stingers. Then Max pulled out a big, portable knife and cut the hive in two. Honey slithered forth, and clogged Biff's esophagus, causing Biff to turn blue. "Erg!" screamed Max, simultaneously realizing that Biff was dying. He tried to give Biff mouth-to-mouth resusitation, but it caused the honey to clog Max's esophagus also. They staggered to the end of their lives, falling over each others' lifeless bodies. The movie was over, and so where Biff and Max. The End. |
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