By Michael Griffin and Tom Harris
(Please note that this story is purely a work of fiction)
I once gave my mother a headache with a gift of holy papers, mistaking them for tiny cigarettes. Mom smokes like there's never going to be a new moon over Miami. Hordes of immigrants swept across my lawn because boll weevils sent telegrams to Mom.
Mom has many contradicting opinions concerning insects with telegrams that are maliciously sent by airmail. Mother wants nothing to do with insects who flatulate or insects who don't. In fact, she hates all insects, even nice ants who build sculptures out of glue and glitter. Mom's ambition in life is the epitome of all evil. She has many foul ideas about humanity and insects. She would make a good axe-murderer because she's big and fluffy and has large axes, which she is very proficient in using.
Many years ago, she made movies with Vincent Price, which were banned everywhere because they contained extreme scenes of Mom hacking insects into bits. She was working with Raid and Black Flag.
My ambition in life is to be helpful in saving Earth and thereby rescuing everyone from Mom. Mother is doomed. Her life must end now! I am going to kill her with poisoned absinthe, because I have no remorse or shame. Using a machete, I will create a fabulous mess in time with the music from MY FAIR LADY. After I finish, I will make restitution with the immigrants, who'll give their right arm for a piece of the mess I've created. I will gladly give them what they desire if they clean up the mess with help from Mr.Clean.
Mom hasn't ever enjoyed a day in her putrid, useless life. She's a big, fluffy, slimy pork-head maggot. Her encrusted flesh will reek of manure which I flung at her last night. She rolled in mud for days before finally shedding her clothing, which made them wet and dirty forever. Everyone cheered when I spat blood into her heinous, pitted cherry-colored orifice. I love to spit at her, because she neglected to educate me in the ways of the immigrants, causing much embarrasment to me.
After dinner, I propose to destroy her utterly with great absinthe. She'll drink deeply because she loves absinthe, and I will poison her with pleasure. Her name will live forever in infamy!
Please forgive me for doing this heinous deed, but I have a plan to rule the house, and rid the house of insects and Mom. That will be my life's ambition, and I'll succeed.
-- the End --
Return to Musings Index
Return to Main Page