I Hate Pizza!
By Guy Gentry, Tom Harris and Michael Griffin

    Pizza tastes awful! I hate pizza, especially when it is frozen. My father forced me to eat pizza as often as he did. I nearly died while eating pizza because it is my least favorite food.
     I am a gourmet, and I love caviar ice-cream with cheese and tomatoes. Tabasco is also yummy. I LOVE to eat large pieces of lard soaked in Tabasco and wash it down with alcohol and vinegar. My father says I'm crazy. What I do is my own business. I think Daddy should die, so I plan my visits to him carefully.
     My intention is to create a pizza shaped like Jane Fonda. Anchovies would be her eyes, and sausage would be her mouth. Pepperoni would comprise her abdomen like scales of putty. Jane Pizza will be my masterpiece. Daddy will eat it and die! Then, I will bury him in an enormous pit that is in Budapest, Kansas.
     Many famous directors have offered me money to produce a movie using my Jane Pizza. I want too much money, so they won't hire me. They wanted me to lower my expectations. Peter Bogdanovich said he'd eat my brain if I consented. I said that he was crazy. My brain is reserved for Oliver Stone. We will make a fabulous movie, and be very famous.

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