Starstruck!
By Tom Harris and Michael Griffin
(This is the very first, and one of the best, Tom & Michael stories)

    On Golden Pond was my favorite film because of Jane Fonda and her amazing hairdo! It made Katharine Hepburn look like spam! She was angry at Jane because of her extreme hair. Henry Fonda smiled and vomited at Katherine because Jane asked him to! I loved the film more than eating tuna at the dentist's office.
     My other favorite film is Starstruck, starring no one except me. I am not jealous of myself, because I am great! Jane Fonda thinks that I am gorgeous, and she wants to star in a dirty film with me. Ted Turner would colorize his grandmother if he could. Jane hates Ted Turner and told Rona Barrett that he smells like tuna casserole.
      Jane Fonda's latest film is about me!! Jane and I are cast as two lovable ice-cream salesmen from Istanbul. Also starring in the film are Emilio Estevez, Cory Haim, Martha Raye, and Lassie as 'the Beaver'. Roger Ebert will love this film, because he is being very well versed in the art of watching movies. Ingmar Bergman directed many of my films, but Alfred Hitchcock didn't direct anything with me or Jane.
     I gained 10 tons while making this picture, because Jane and I ate lots o' ice-cream with each take. We are very fat. Ted Turner will colorize the final cut before we even see it! Argh!
     Lassie barked at Cory Haim, Emilio Estevez and Martha Raye continually throughout the film. We expect to receive much applause from dog-lovers and ice-cream salesmen. Jane plans to write a sequel about diet ice-cream for dogs. Jane's addiction to chocolate has grown into an enormous obsession.
      Many years went by during the making of this film. It is a masterpiece, and I have every reason to think that I am the greatest actor in the universe! Sir John Gielgud said he would never perform again because he thinks I am God! And besides, I have gotten many telegrams from deities requesting my services as a spokeperson for them.
     The Academy of Film praised the film because it starred me!!
Our bank has gotten big because we keep all our money there, and they keep begging for more! No human has as much talent as me and Jane. We are immortal, and we will continue to make many films for all eternity!

                                             --- The End --

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