St.Francis of Topeka
By Tom Harris and Michael Griffin

   Francis of Topeka, Patron of all Denizens of Evil, is coming to town. He will arrive Tuesday. When he arrives, he will stay at the Holiday Inn and he will conduct his seminars there.
     The seminars will cost approximately twenty million dollars and thirty-seven cents to attend. Nobody can afford to go to them.
     Francis doesn't mind. He enjoys traveling anyway, and when he has time, he likes to play role-playing games like Tedium Made Tedious, and Dungeons Are Dangerous. The Society of Role-Players voted him Best Player of several games, including: Eat The Left-over Fish, Traffic Dodging For You To Try, Babies Make Excellent Flotation Devices, Why Not Offend Someone? and Making A Mountain Out Of A Dungheap And Using It For A Mattress.
    Francis has awards lining his home in Topeka. He uses his trophies as receptacles for his tobacco habit. He often plays his games in hotel lobbies with the adolescent bellhop and the pretty restroom attendant. Hotel security enjoys his antics, and offer their assistance whenever possible.
     Francis never tries anything he wouldn't understand, because he is rather illiterate and never understands anything. He tried to write his own role-playing game called Hot Pokers In Your Eye, but he accidentally blinded himself before he could write anything down.
     Francis is my hero!

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