Star Trek IX: Indigestion?
Thankfully not The curse has been broken. Though no one will actually
suggest that Star Trek 3 is bad like
V or boring like I or both like VII.
But it was always easier to say that the even ones were good and the odd
ones bad. But if you say that the even ones and multiples of three are
good, that's more accurate. Anyway, it's now four years before we're statistically
guaranteed a crap Trek film, though at least it looks as though Star Trek
XV should be better than anyone thought possible (Should be a Voyager crew
one too by then.)
SUGGESTED TITLES FOR STAR WARS: EPISODE 1
Star Wars: The Fandom Menace suggested by Lucasfilm Security
Star Wars: The Dennis Menace suggested by
fomer Lucasfilm employee
Star Wars: the Pantene Menace suggested by
Clairol
Star Wars: Fanny Menace suggested by patrons
of back to back screening of Trilogy
Star Wars: The Fungal Menace suggested by
George Lucas' dermatologist
Star Wars: The Funky Menace suggested by Meco
Star Wars: The Farting Enema- suggested by
Terence and Phillip
What's in a name, part two
Earth: Final(ly) Conflict (in a Gene Roddenberry script)
Stargate: SGI (Sucks without those
GodzillaIdiots)
sea Quest DSV (Doesn't suck.
Valium?)
Space:1999 (the special effects budget per episode- $19.99)
The Last Nail in the Coffin of
the Current Wave of Popular SF.
The cut scene of Matthew Broderick stepping in Godzilla's latest
dump
Lost in Space's original end credits featuring
bloopers. "Warning, Warning! Danger... Er, Line!
Kevin Sorbo's constant absence from "Where's
Hercy?"
Star Trek IX's original title- Star Trek X
JMS's insistance on writing all the dialogue
for B5
Michael Creighton's Sphincter
A Star Trek regular loses implants- and it's not Geordie
Meego, Teen Angel, Future Cop, etc
BABYLON 5AS
A WHOLE GREAT. BUT CERTAIN bad
THINGS
KEEP RECURRING.....
"...straight to Hell."
"We'll open a jump gate in..."
"Can we invoke privacy?"
Series regulars leaving off screen when we're
supposed to believe there's a 5 year arc.
Lyta
That 'slinky' sample Christopher Franke insists
on using in every piece
A major war is either set-up or finished each week
The Alien sector where all the personal quarters
have windows for passers-by to peek in.
Lennier saving the day
Zack Allan forgetting this isn't Grease
You're the only female fan who thinks Xena and Gabrielle aren't lesbians...
You're probably in denial
You're probably not a lesbian
You're hair is probably long and your shoes have
heels
You secretly hope Kevin Sorbo and Lucy Lawless
will get married 'coz they're a cute couple
You get the terms ankle-biters, rug-rats and
rug-munchers mixed-up
NOW THAT TITANIC MADE A SH*TLOAD OF CASH...
Jim Cameron can make a more intimate movie using
some of his favourite talent.
Arnold Swarzenegger gets 30 million dollars,
composer James Horner $24m and Cameron himself $50m for writing directing
and editing the project. It is the story of a former Austrian agent trapped
in an elevator. But some of the scenes have to be trimmed because the projest
is already $200 million dollars over budget
Entertainment Tonight can be finally be renamed
"The Leo DiCaprio Show"
Kate Winslett can afford to eat again
The last line of Billy Zane's resume doesn't
read The Phantom
Leno looks a prick. He bagged Titanic before
the cast were guests on the Tonight Show
Investors in "Raise the Titanic" finally get
their money back
"Speed 2, Under Siege" and "Love Boat Down Under"
break all records at Blockbuster Video
Cruise ship owners with poor safety records can
now advertise their products with the line
"As seen in the film Titanic."
Heroin Chic is replaced by Seasickness
chic and Freezing
Atlantic chic
Celine Dion can pay someone else to beat the
chest whil the bruises heal
Celine Dion can put out a contract on the South
Park producers.
NEPOTISM
or the Tori Spelling Top Tip for continued
employment- "I love you, daddy."
Lucy Lawless falls
off a horse and shatters her pelvis, putting production of her top
rating show in jeopardy. Does she...
A) Scream
B) Shout "I think I broke my pelvis!"
C) Marry the Producer
Kristen Cloake loses
her job on Space: Above and Beyond when it is cancelled. Does she...
A) Cry
B) Look for work on Melrose Place (see below)
C) Marry the Producer
Jerry O'Connell's profile
has lifted slightly after appearing in "Jerry Macguire." Your show Sliders
has been given yet another reprieve despite being cancelled three times.
Does he....
A)Keep quiet and not make waves.
B) Thank his lucky stars nightly.
C) Lobby to have his unknown brother made a co-star
MELROSE SPACE (i)
or What do you do when your SF series is canned.
Kelly Rutherford.You
were Dixie in the Adventures of Brisco County Jr. It died. Next?
A) There's an opening at The Gap
B) There's a gap at The Opening
C) They need a whore on Melrose Place
Greg Evigan. Tek
War has been cancelled, the BJ and the Bear reunion has been cancelled
because Bear's just checked into Betty Ford and the syndicated version
of My Two Dads is kyboshed because even the Judge is bigger than you these
days. What is your option?
A) Wash Aaron Spelling's car
B) Go out with Aaron Spelling's daughter
C) Appear in Melrose Place
Antonio Sabata Jr. Earth
2 is cancelled. You need to erase that blot with something that will garner
you more respect in the minds of viewers. What do you say next?
A) "I'm holding out for National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon II"
B) "Do you want fries with that?"
C) "Sure, Mr Spelling, I'll take Tori to the Viper Room. And I'll finish
the next coat on the Limo later," etc.
A new SF series is being lauched- WHERE
ARE THEY NOW?
Starring (everyone who left or was 'retooled'
out of their show):
Wil Weaton
Michael O'Hare
Denise Crosby
Stacey Haiduk
Jennifer Lien
Michelle Forbes
Johnny Sekka
Tamlyn Tomita
George Lazenby
Barry Morse
Colin Baker
LOST VIRGINITY IN SPACE
You would have to feel sorry for Wil Robinson.
On board the Jupiter two is his mother, father two sisters, Dr Smith and
Don West. Now since they were meant to colonise another planet, what is
Wil meant to do when he reached puberty and wants to become sexually active
if he's heterosexual? All the women on the Jupiter Three are his immediate
family. John Robinson has his wife and Don West has options on Judy and
while its unlikely that Penny would countenance a relationship with Doctor
Smith when she's old enough, there's no moral reason to stop it. But is
Wil about the unluckiest guy in the Universe?
CAN'T YOU STAY DEAD!
or " You can't keep a dead man
down if the plot sucks enough!"
Spock died and was brought back to life using
a mind-meld and a long-forgotten Vulcan ritual.
Scotty died and
was brought back to Life by Nomad
Picard was shot and brought back to life by
Q(played by Spike Milligan)
Troi was killed and revived by Beverly Crusher
McCoy is killed during "Shore Leave" but is
rebuild under the planet's surface
Worf dies on the operating table and survived
thanks to having more redundant organs than Hammond.
Chekov kiiled by the Melkotioan's Gunfighters
Transporter Accidents
Kirk was cloned by a TA- split into two halves
each representing his dominant traits- one hammy, the other wooden.
Riker was cloned by a TA. He now has four testicles,
two penises, six chins and one brain.
Kirk and Co. are thrown into a parallel universe
where all their friends are evil. Another unfortunate side effects is the
baring of Kirk's chest.
Torres uses a transporter in the first season.
Voyager is not destroyed. A disaster.
"CANCELLED? BUT WHERE WILL I
GO?"
Bruce Campbell, Brisco
County is cancelled. The Evil dead are just that. Where's your destination?
A) Canada (X-Files)
B) Australia (Roar)
C) New Zealand (Hercules and Xena)
Ted Raimi.
Steven Speilberg sees an episode of sea Quest for the first time. Who do
you ring?
A) Your agent?
B) Your mother?
C)Your brother?
Hudson Leick. University
Hospital is seen by God, yada yada yada. What best suits your training?
A) Donning a wonderbra and moving to another Aaron Spelling series?
B) Getting Implanst and practice your slo-mo jogging for David Hasselhoff?
C) Getting a power bustier and a scar and offer to take Kev his favourite
pancake mix to NZ?
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN COMES ON BOARD....
Star Trek
Kirk would introduce her to HIS beaver...
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Picard would have it written into his contract...
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Sisko would make certain he had no dandruff...
Star Trek: Voyager
No one cares, as long as her tits are big
Babylon 5
Sheridan would open a jump gate in her quarters
Space:1999
Koenig would kill her and hope it was all a dream...
AN ALIEN FORCE THREATENS THE VESSEL...
Star Trek
Kirk would bluff.
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Picard would drop shields and run
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Sisko would shoot first and hope for a temporal
anomaly later.
Star Trek: Voyager
would shoot later Janeway hope and anomaly first
spatial
Space:1999
Koenig would open fire before the aliens
do - just to be safe...
Babylon 5
Sheridan would send open a Jump Gate in the Aliens'
vessel and send them straight to hell
MOST ORIGINAL CHARACTER/ ALIEN
Spock- torn between
his emotional human side and the logic of his Vulcan half
Data- an android
with superhuman abilities, yet despearately wants to be a man.
Odo- A former changeling
discovering the joys of curry, hot chili and ginger.
Delenn- powerful
member of Minbari Religious caste, keeper of many secrets
Kosh- One of the
first ones.
Seven of Nine-
A sensitive Borg who has assimilated a rack
LEAD ACTOR'S ENDEARING TRAITS
Shatner-gestures
and......pauses
Stewart- stoic and
aloof
Brooks- Some would
say, a touch wooden. Touch wood.
Mulgrew- Eschewed
the 'Rachael' for the 'Sad Librarian'
Boxleitner- jumping,
opening jump gates and sending things straight to hell
Gary Cole- sure has grown up since Diff'rent
Strokes
ROUTINE REQUIRED DAILY DURING MAKE-UP
Leonard Nimoy- pointed
lated ears added
Brent Spiner- Contact
lenses and gold make-up added
Terry Farrel- contracts
chicken-pox
Le Var Burton- grey
thing on the front of his head
Mira Furlan- same
as Le Var, only to the back of her head
Kirsten Cloake-
Collagen injections
Rene Auberjonois-
Several painful minutes with a vacuum cleaner
Jeri Lynn Ryan-
'Taping'
SILLIEST VOICE-
Star Trek
-Koloth in the animated series. More Tribbles,
More Troubles
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Micro-brain Home Soil
Space:1999
All those effeminate Americans in the second
season (Don't whine, blame Fred Freiberger)
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Bashir whilst possessed The Passenger
sQ DSV
Hint- It's related to the whale.
BABYLON 5 has no entry.
It does, however, scoop the pool for Silliest Hair.
COMMENTS HEARD AT THE END OF A SERIES
Star Trek
"That's the last we'll hear of this."
Star Trek: The Next Generation
"All the money's being spent across the
street!"(ST: DS9)
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
"All the money's being spent across the street!"(ST:Voyager)
Star Trek: Voyager
"All the money's being spent across the
street!" (ST: Deja Vu)
Babylon 5
"Pity it wasn't a 6-year story arc"
Space:Above and Beyond
"I wonder if there's a vacancy in Melrose Place?"
X-Files
"I knew having Cancer Man turn out to be
brother of Darth Vader, Monty Burns and Dr Zaius was a cross-promotional
mistake."
MOST ORIGINAL ASPECT OF PRODUCTION FROM EACH SERIES
Star Trek
First non-anthology adult science-fiction
Star Trek: The Next Generation
First popular first-run syndicated drama
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Star Trek series without something called
Enterprise
Star Trek: Voyager
First Trek series where the Captain didn't have
a 'Little Captain'
Space:1999
Cheapest looking 'most expensive show' ever made
Babylon 5
Computer special effects, continuing story arc
sQ DSV
Computer special affects where you can still
see the strings, only series to have a letter writing campaign to cancel
it. Stories complete arse.
The X-Files
The leads have a sexual tension between them.
Possibly because Gillian Anderson went insane after becoming a star and
David Duchovny stopped exposing himself in films.
SEA
SHATNERSGet
your pens out. That's not as rude as it sounds.
SF v SF
Which series came back for a second season after
a less than impressive debut year with a poker game, a birth, a new doctor,
a bald character, a sexy telepath and a previously clean shaven character
now sporting a beard?
A) Star Trek The Next Generation
B) sea Quest DSV
C) all of the above
Which series regularly featured creatures who
lived for years without ageing by killing a set number of victims in order
to survive?
A) Kolchak: The Night Stalker
B) The X-Files
C) all of the above
Which series did it first? A) Kolchak:
The Night Stalker
How old was Buck Rogers when he reached the year
2495?
A) 540
How old were the plots?
A)590
Which race of genetically engineered life-forms
look like they wear moth-eaten black stockings all over their bodies?
A) Daggers (sQ DSV)
B) all of the above
Which series featured a character who could swim
underwater without the need for air, even though they had a sub to go home
to?
A) sea Quest DSV
B) Gerry Anderson's Stingray
B) Man from Atlantis
How many former Benson regulars have not appeared
in a Star Trek series?
A) 6
B) 2
C) Trick Question
Which of the following Voyager regulars have played
detectives
A) Tim Russ (Tuborg, er, Tuvok) in MELROSE PLACE
B) Robert Beltrane (Chakotay) in MODEL INC (sic)
C) Ethan Phillips (Neelix) in THE LOVE BOAT
D) Kate Mulgrew (Captain Kate) in KATE LOVES A MYSTERY
E) A & B & C
Which revival series have fallen flat on their
faces?
A) Mission Impossible
B) The New Avengers
C) Galactica 80
D) Return of the Saint
E) The Twilight Zone
F) Earth 2 (an unofficial Remake of Lost In Space)
G) Space:1999 (An unofficial remake of UFO, Star Trek)
H) Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (unofficial remake of Star Trek: the
Next Generation)
I) seaQuest DSV (an unofficial remake of Flipper)
J) Flipper (An unofficial remake of sea Quest DSV
I SHOT THE SHATNER- But I did not
shoot the deputy.
DIFFERENCES
BETWEEN PILOT AND SERIES
Star Trek
- Different costumes, Spock: 'Thee women!', Different actors, James
R Kirk?
The Next Generation-
Troi loses 'skant' and telepathy, Picard loses American accent.
Deep Space
Nine- Kira's hair gets cropped, Avery Brooks still under sedation
Babylon 5-
New: second-in command, doctor, costumes, music, sets
seaQuest DSV-
Nothing, unfortunately
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN SEASON ONE AND TWO...
Star Trek:The Next Generation
Less annoying but uglier doctor, a few costumes and a beard. Troi perdy.
Space:1999
Terrible music, cheapo monsters, crappier scripts, acting, cheaper
feel
sea Quest DSV
Shittier sets, acting, scripts. New characters. Regular displays of
cheese/beefcake
Babylon 5
New commander, new titles.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN SEASONS TWO AND THREE
Star Trek:The Next Generation
Good all of a sudden, new titles, uniforms, the winsome doctor is back.
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
The addition of Defiant, Odo now looks like a reject from Moonbase
Alpha as do the scripts.
Babylon 5
What do you mean nothing?
sea Quest DSV
What the hell is going on in these people's minds?
Star Trek
Fred Freiberger: "What is brain?"
YOUTHFUL CAST MEMBER- In Their Own Words...
Ensign 'Shaggy' Chekov- 'Nuclear Wessels'
Ensign Wesley Crusher- 'We're from Starfleet,
we don't lie.'
Jake Sisko- 'I wanna get laid, Dad.'
Lucas Wolenchak- 'I've got samples of
all the classic rock songs through history and the computer has come up
with an instant classic' (When you think about it, the above line is the
perfect analogy for the show).
PRODUCERS WITH A CRIMINAL RECORD-
Glen A. Larson- Battlestar Galactica,
Buck Rogers, Knight Rider
Fred Freiberger- Third season of Star
Trek, Second season of Space:1999, Superboy
Rick Berman, Michael Piller- After six
seasons of Next Generation they suddenly forget how to make good Trek.
BIGGEST CLICHE
Star Trek
'What is love?', 'I canna give you any more
Star Trek: The Next Generation-
two-minute resolution, crew gets virus and (a) go mad, (b) get horny,
(c) regress or (d) all of the Above.
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
see Star Trek: The Next Generation
Star Trek: Voyager-
Chronic Deja Vu. Janeway turning down dates, refusing to be unethical.
anomalies and holodeck breakdowns. Oh and some bad stories
...
X-FILES COMMON SCRIPT ELEMENTS
1) Either a man in his twenties or a ten-year old girl kills people
without suspicion.
2) Scully: "You don't really believe that, Mulder?"
3) Mulder's superiors tell him he's delusional then agree with him
once he's left.
4) Any evidence collected during the episode much disappear by the
episode's end
5) At least one plot strand to remain unresolved
6) Find a news story with a slight hint of either a government conspiracy
over secret experimentation and expand it beyond the mundane (see also
Burning Zone, Profiler, Dork Skies.)
...
The Prisoner gets ripped-off (however tenous)
Babylon 5- Bester's use of 'Be seeing
you,' complete with gesture
Deep Space Nine- the episode Move Along
Home
The Next Generation- the episode Frame
of Mind
The Next Generation- Who is Number One?
That would be telling, but it's Will Riker.
The Next Generation- the episode Allegiance
And... Nowhere Nanny.
SCI-FI BOOKS WE'D LIKE TO SEE
The Nit Picker's Guide to Star Trek: Generations. A three-hundred page
paperback covering the latest Trek film. Volume Two, covering the middle
40 minutes of the film will be released in the Fall.
sea Quest Pop-Up Book- At last, sea Quest Characters
in two dimensions. One more to go!
My Rescue 911 Memories. William Shatner, running
out of ideas after his T.J. Hooker Memories flopped. My Tek War Memories
is on the way now that Tek War is a memory.
BABYLON 5 Plot Dot-to-Dot. Draw a line between
all the throwaway lines from the first season to see where the series is
headed.
Space: Above and Beyond: Dictionary. Contains
all 60 000 words describing the buttocks as used in the series.
The X-Files- A look at nude roles and photos
of sci-fi TV stars. Features David Duchovny and Michelle Forbes Kalifornia,
Marina Sirtis The Wicked Lady, Denise Crosby, Nichelle Nichols,
Jaqueline Pearce White Mischief, Joanna Lumley, Glynis Barber The
Wicked Lady, Katy Manning, Josette Simon Nice Town, Claudia
Christian practically everything pre Babs, Andrea Thompson, Tracey
Scoggins
A series of sequels to Quark's Rules of Aquisition
and Mr Scott's guide to the Enterprise...
Counsellor Troi's Guide to Curing Serious Psycological
Illness- based on her TV escapades
Why Lose Weight?- by Commander Riker, Captain
Scott and Chief O'Brien
Julian Bashir's 1001 Non-Ethnic Sounding Stage
Names
70 Talaxian Main Courses and Deserts by Neelix.
With a free pull-out poster featuringthe Doctor demonstrating the Heimlich
maneuver.
READY FOR LOVIN' - The randiest characters
in SFTV
Jim Kirk- will bed anything in a skirt
from age 15 onwards.
Will Riker- will bed anything without
genitals.
Henderson- Dated O'neil, danced with Dagwood,
dallianced with Sanchez, offered her body to Lucas. Darwin probably scored,
too.
Will Robinson- There's Mom and Dad, Judy
and Don, Penny and Dr Smith. Who does Will do on the Jupiter 2?
Julian Bashir- Favourite pick-up line:
I substituted a post ganglionic nerve ending for a pre-neural fibre
Garibaldi- Can't get no satisfaction.
Try rallying the fans, Jerry.
Jake Cardigan- Feels all gooey inside
whenever he passes a fridge.
Dave Lister- groinal attachments aside,
things look bleak for hide the salami.
NEPOTISM?
Sea Quest- Rub a dub dub. Three DeLuise's
in a sub.
Tek War- Created by Shatners, starring
Shatners, written by Shatners, Directed by Shatners, Sheesh!
The Next Generation- Majel Barret Roddenberry
guest-stars, Adam Nimoy directs, Daniel Stewart guests.
Quantum Leap- Don Bellasario producers,
wife Deborah Pratt writes and provides voice-overs, kids sing on soundtrack.
BAD PARENTS
Kirk- one child dies before birth, the
other is born devoid of ethics.
Troi- Her son grows to puberty in a day
before croaking.
Data- His daughter lives for a week or
two before snuffing it.
Beverly- Her son has many brushes with
authority- gets sentenced to death on his first offence, fails exams, takes
part in a cover-up.
Worf- His kid lives, but is so screwed
up his future self travels back in time to kill himself.
SIBLING RIVALRY
Will Riker despises Thomas
Riker, Quark despises Rom,Julian
despised
Jean-Luc,
Kurn
pretended
to hate Worf, Worf briefly disowned Nikolai,
Lore
hated Data, Spock
did not approve of Sybok, Alexander
(aged 45) wanted to kill Alexander (aged 5).
SURGICAL SPIRIT-Procedure undergone by SF characters
Spock, Kirk and McCoy- Subcutaneous transmitters,
Ambassador Delenn- Hair weave the envy
of Burt Reynolds
Troi- Implants to make her look like a)
Mintakan b) Romulan c) Pamela Anderson(I apologize in advance)
Worf- a new spinal chord. We can rebuild
him, we have the technology, far-fetched as it sounds.
Picard- Romulan features added. However,
the ears were his own.
Bridger- the world's first 'targa' beard.
Now you see it, now you don't.
Odo, Sisko and O'Brien- turned into Klingons
Sinclair- Stood too close to the BBQ when
the propane and propane accesories exploded
HOLLYWOOD EXILES- The move away from L.A.
The X-Files, Tek War, Highlander, La Femme Nikita-
Canada
Roar, Mission Impossible, Australia
Xena:Warrior Princess, Hercules, New Zealand
Sinbad, Robin Hood, South Africa
Earth 2 - New Mexico
sea Quest DSV- The Planet Zarg
PRODUCT ENDORSMENTS I'D LIKE TO SEE
Jake Cardigan for Westinghouse Refrigerator
Lucy Lawless for
Medic-Alert "I've fallen and I can't get up."
Darwin for Greenseas Tuna
Jeri Lynn Ryan- Wonder Bra "Lifts and Assimilates."
Agent Mulder for Oliver Stone's Nixon
Kes for "Lowering of the Voting Age, Quickly!"
Seven of Nine for a Minimiser Bra
Sam Beckett for Swiss Cheese
Avery Brooks for Prozac
Jonathan Frakes for 'Save the Trees'
William Shatner and Patrick stewart for
that baldy spray stuff
...
PLAYMATES STAR TREK FIGURES YOU WON'T SEE-
Pregnant Troi- from "The Child" with bonus lift out Andrew Troi.
Naked Picard- from Chains of Command. With four lights (the fifth is
optional).
Intoxicated Tasha Yar- from "The Naked Now"
Anatomically Correct Data- from "The Naked Now"
Borgified Crewmember- From First Contact. comes with open-gut action
Devion Ral- from "The Price" comes with empty fork.
...
NEXT YEAR'S MYTHICAL FANTASY SERIES with a
contemporary feel DUE TO THE SUCCESS OF HERCULES and XENA
Confessions of Sherlock Holmes
Boadecia- Blue Chick
Joan of Arc in London 1666
Invanhoe's Hoes
William Tell: The Alpine Orchard
Mars: Bringer of Herpes
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