The First Annual TURD Awards have been
a success. Over five hundred people voted in twelve different categories in an attempt to let
people know what TV we should and shouldn't flush. Enjoy the winners.
Just informing my readers that I´m out of the country for the 2000-2001 TV season but promise to return in September of 2001 with a new design but the same commentary that you´ve come to trust. Thanks for reading!!
--The Tube
Best Catfighter, And the Nominees Are:
Buffy Sommers who slays vampires and has
mastered the stake on Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Isabel Evans who uses her alien powers to
transform objects and enter people's dreams on Roswell
Rachel Greene who whines, begs, and
has studied the power of the credit card on Friends
Ling Woo who has sexual prowess, money, and
the appropriate amount of bitchiness to get what she wants on Ally McBeal
Kerry Weaver who orders and manipulates
people to her advantage AND knows how to use her crutch on ER
Three votes separated our winner, Buffy Sommers, with her quick moves from our second place contestant, Ling, who prefers to manipulate.
Kerry Weaver took a surprising third place proving that a conniving sense of business and a crutch make a dangerous combination.
Most-slappable and most-hatable man, And the Nominees Are:
Dawson Leery for presenting Joey with the
"me or Pacey" ultimatum on Dawson's Creek
Ross Geller for dating a college student and then
dumping her for being too young on Friends
Max Evans for leading Liz Parker on even though he
is betrothed to Tess on Roswell
Dylan McKay for breaking up Kelly and Matt's engagement
when he realized he couldn't see Kelly with another man on Beverly Hills 90210
John Carter for treating Lucy like sh*t and
then feeling guilty about her death on ER
Although Carter acted like a pretty big jerk this past season, most people say shame on Dawson for presenting
Joey with an ultimatum. I suppose he received a metaphorical slap in the face when Joey chose Pacey and sailed off with him.
Woman most likely scarfing-and-barfing, And the Nominees Are:
Ally McBeal of Ally McBeal
Monica Geller of Friends
Rachel Greene of Friends
Donna Martin of Beverly Hills 90210
Cordelia Chase of Angel
Was this really a contest? Eight years ago Donna Martin would have won this race, and four years ago
Monica or Rachel would have won it, but today the most bulemic of our stars is the face of the next millenium's Kate Moss, Ally McBeal.
Which couple would have the best-looking baby? And the Nominees Are:
Buffy and Riley on Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Rick and Lily on Once & Again
Harm and Mac on JAG
Colin and Amaya on The Real World, Hawaii
Monica and Chandler on Friends
We all know that Buffy and Riley's baby would be the least likely you'd want to see in a dark alley, but Monica
and Chandler would have the most attractive baby. At the recommendation of a friend, I saw this baby on Conan O'Brian's
website and realize that you people made the wrong decision.
Most unexpected couple, as a matter of fact, why are they even together? And the Nominees Are:
Isabel and Alex on Roswell
Rachel and Bruce Willis on Friends
Cleo and Peter on ER
Jen and Henry on Dawson's Creek
Karen and Leo on Once & Again
Age is the great divider at the TURD Awards, and chemistry never made as little sense as it did when
Rachel and Bruce Willis hooked up on Friends
Show Most Worthy of Cancellation, And the Nominees Are:
ER
Felicity
Walker, Texas Ranger
7th Heaven
NYPD Blue
The people spoke loudly and clearly here. 74% of respondents would cancel Walker, Texas Ranger in less time
than it takes George W. Bush to execute somebody. Felicity had a group of cancelation supporters, and I even saw some well-deserved, write-in votes for Martial Law, but I think Walker says enough about bad CBS series.
Best Reality Show, And the Nominees Are:
Real World, Hawaii Cast
Road Rules, Semester at Sea
Survivor
Making the Band
Big Brother
The tribal council unfortunately spoke and voted Survivor above its closest (but not too close)
competitor, The Real World. I'm pretty sick of Richard and you should be tired of him as well...more complaining Amaya for me. Interesting, Road Rules came in dead last place with only one vote to its name.
Best Cooking Show, And the Nominees Are:
Emeril Live
Cooking Live with Sarah Molton
Chilling and Grilling with Bobby Flay
The Iron Chef
Galloping Gourmet (reruns)
Maybe the rumors are true and The Iron Chef is rigged, because in a head-to-head competition,
Iron Chef beat Emeril. In a battle of skill and wit, America's favorite element was chosen: iron beats essence.
Best New Show, And the Nominees Are:
Roswell
Angel
The West Wing
Once and Again
Survivor
A close race that kept me guessing until the end. Although a late August rally brought Survivor a number of votes, it came in
third place behind what some consider the best series of the year, The West Wing. However, the Turd
for Best Show goes to Roswell and all of its Tobasco Sauce friends.
Best Comedy, And the Nominees Are:
Friends
Frasier
Sports Night
Will and Grace
Ally McBeal
Only six people voted for Ally McBeal allowing shows like Frasier and Will & Grace to receive some votes. In the end,
Friends wins this race as the funniest show. I suppose we'll see if everyone stays tuned to Must Miss TV this October as
the gang preps for a wedding and Ross gets a hair cut.
Best Drama, And the Nominees Are:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The West Wing
The Practice
Once & Again
Law & Order
Buffy slayed the competition and took 36% of the vote in this battle of battles. The Emmys may not
have nominated the power of the Scooby Gang, but the Toilet Tube surely has. The Practice took in 21% of
the vote followed by Law & Order with 15%. Rounding out the category were The West Wing earning 12% of the vote
and Once & Again with a small but respectable (and why didn't more people vote for this show) 9%.
Best Comedic Quotation, And the Nominees Are:
Why wouldn't he want to date me?
He has a penis. --Ling on Ally McBeal
You never want to be on time for a
ritual. The chanting, the blood rites, they can go on forever. --Holland on Angel
Sometimes I think about two women doing
a spell, and then I do a spell myself. --Xander on Buffy
Good. Evil. These are moral absolutes
that predate malts and hops. --Some frat guy on Buffy
Did we not put the "grrr" in girl?"
--Willow, emphasizing girl power, on Buffy
We're not in Capeside anymore, Toto.
This is some alternate reality where our intellects are sharper, our quips are wittier, and
our hearts are repeatedly broken while faintly in the background some soon to be out-of-date
contempo-pop music plays. --Jen on Dawson's
I hate my haircut. --Felicity on
Felicity
The quotations are my favorite and the TURDS most significant award. This year, shock value won
and Ling with her sexual fervor captured 30% of the vote making her the most most humorous
speaker of the year. In second place came Felicity with 17% of the vote. She really shouldn't have had that cut.
Rounding out the category was a tie for third place between the ever wittiful Jen and Xander...now these two
would make a good couple.
Best Dramatic Quotation, And the Nominees Are:
Why do we become so afraid of who we are?
--Karen on Once & Again
I think they should invent a new word
[for] the moment before you kiss someone. --Grace on Once & Again
There's nothing more oppressive than a
well-meaning sympathizer on the loose. --Wayne Mayfield on The Practice
Where do we say death is so close it
is OK to kill? --Helen, arguing against euthanasia, on The Practice
The bigger the world gets, the bigger your
problems get, too. And now in this big world, even the biggest problems are solved.
--Liz on Roswell
If you're good enough to be in
second place, you're good enough to know you're disappointed. --Dan Sports Night
Nobody ever looks like Joe McCarthy.
That's how they get their foot in the door. --Toby on The West Wing
Here comes the big finale. I tried to have some fun and philosophy in this final category. 29% of you
decided to find yourselves in this big world and vote for Liz who vowed to solve her
problems with the help of an alien. Coming in second place with a more political message was Helen
who captured 20% of the vote, and not far behind was Toby who took 17% of the vote.
What you had to say about the TURDS and the nominees.
Roswell should definitely win! It's the best show eva and the cast rules! Look at that hot Brendan Fehr and that
sexy Jason! And that ninocent Shiri and that funky Kathren and that funny Maria and shall I go on?!
Friends should win all the way. You think Janice will come back now that
Chandler's proposed to Monica? That'd be funny.
Frasier rules. Kelsey Grammer is the funniest thing since ALF. (Don't ask me about the ALF
reference, but as an ALF fan I decided to include this comment.)
Your opinions on these shows make me sick. If you don't
like them, why the hell do you have a site about them?
Felicity should lose because we all disobey
our parents and do something else, but I really don't think that
there should be an entire show about that. If there should be one, then make
a show about my life, because me and and my sisters don't to our parents.
BIGGEST TEENAGE GIRL PSYCHO COMMENT: Pacey and Joey are going to fall happily ever after into love and then Pacey's going
to come and live with me. Joey can come along and keep him happy, but I want Pacey all to myself
This is an underview of the webpage. The page is about TV. It's by me, peter. I call my page the toilet tube, because it started off as a printed version which I put in toilet stalls in my college dormitory, but now we are online, but remain
the toilet tube. I provide a summary and critique and all sorts of other weird commentary on: Dawson's Creek, Ally McBeal, The Practice, West Wing, Felicity, Buffy, Angel, Once and Again, Sports Night, Friends, ER, Frasier, and Roswell. This web page is an episode guide, summary, and critique of today's best television shows: Felicity, The Practice, Ally McBeal, ER, Friends, Frasier, West Wing, Roswell, Dawson's Creek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Sports Night, Once & Again. What sort of insight do you have on Dawson's Creek, Ally McBeal, The Practice, West Wing, Felicity, Buffy, Angel, Once and Again, Sports Night, Friends, ER, Frasier, and Roswell