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Pickle Slicer

By Belly

There was a guy and his wife one night the husband says to the wife "Love I no this may sound crazy but when im at work I got the erge to stick my penis in the pickle slicer," The wife gives him a strange look and says to him "I think you need help," The husband just walks off. The next day the husband comes home and says to his wife "Today I did somthing I should not have, The wife replys "YOU DIDNT!!!" He says "I did," His wife says "What happend?" The husband replys "I got fired!" His wife says "What happend to the pickle slicer?" The husband says "She got fired too!"

$100 A Root

By Belly

This bloke sitting at a bar by him self looking sad and down, Another man walks up to him and says "Whats wrong mate you look upset? The guy looking sad says "Mate every time I want to make love to my wife she wants to charge me $100!" The other guy says "Buddy thats not to bad she charges everyone else $250"

First Headjob

By Belly

This young fella walks into a bar and says "Give me 6 of the strongest drinks you got," The bartender says "Thats alot for a young man like you what are you celebrating?" The young man says "My 1st headjob," The bartender says "Congratulations mate ill make it 7, the 7th one is on the house!" The young man say "Na thanks if 6 doesn't get rid of the taste in my mouth nothing will!

A Small Problem

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks. The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''  ''How!?!?!?'' she asks.  ''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''  ''Well how long does it take?'' she asks. ''They should expand over the years,'' he answers. ''How did you know that?'' she wonders. ''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''

Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

Baby Talk

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "Of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Balls and Old Ladies

Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? A: BINGO!

Banging and Banking

Sex is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Bathtub Anxieties

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy. "Can I touch it?" "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

Birdy

There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to his dingly dangly and asked, "what is that?" He replied, "It's my bird!" She ran away to play in the sand cheerfully. The man fell asleep. Later he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin. He did not know what had gone wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the hospital he asked her. She replied, "I played with the bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest."

3 Men In Bed

3 men went to bed together. When they got up in the morning the men on the left said "I had a dream someone was pulling my dick!" The guy on the right said "Yeah, Me to." The guy in the middle said I had a dream i was skiing.

Fuck For A Buck

A guy lived in a street for 6 years and decided to move out. Everyone in the street were giving him going away presents. He when to his friend Jim's house but he wasn't home, Only his wife was home. Jim's wife Jessica said "I sorry Jims not here but he told me to give you a present, Come in for a cup of tea." They had tea and went upstairs to fuck. When they finished Jessica gave the man $50. The man said "Na i can't accept it." Jessica said " Na Na take it because Jim said to fucken give you $50.

Face Lift

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.'' The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?'' The man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

Chaste Nudist

A young girl hadn't been feeling well, so she went to her family doctor. The doctor ran some tests and then told her she was pregnant. The girl said, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony and we only practice sex with our eyes." "Well, my dear," said the doctor. "Someone in that colony must be cockeyed."

All's Fair in Love and War

This old guy goes into a church in a small town in the hills of Italy and asks the priest to hear his confession. The priest listens and then asks, "Is there anything else?'' The old guy says, ''During the war, when I was young, a beautiful Germam girl came to my farm after escaping and asked me if I would hide her. I told her I would if she provided me with sexual favors.'' The priest replies, ''Don't worry about it. It was wartime and you both were under a lot of pressure.'' The old guy says, ''Does that mean that I have to tell her that the war is over?'''

Biting the Bullet

One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down a road when a bank robbery was happening. Just as she was passing the bank, she was shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to hospital and they managed to save the lives of her children (two girls and a boy) and hers. Fourteen years later, one of her daughters came running out of the bathroom and screamed to her mother, she said, "Mom, I just got my period and a bullet came out." So her mother sat her down and explained what happened. A couple of days later her second daughter came running out the bathroom again screaming that she too got her period and a bullet came out. So again, she explained the story. Finally, a few days later, her only son comes running out of the bathroom. The mother says, "Let me guess. You've took a shit and found a bullet in the toilet." "No," shouts the boy, "I was just wanking and shot the dog."

Blossom and Porky

A man notice a little girl frolicking in the park one day with her dog. He asked, "What's your name?" "Blossom," answered the girl. "Oh, that's a beautiful name. How did you get it?" "Well, my mommy was pregnant and a blossom fell out of a tree and landed right on her tummy, so she named me, Blossom." "Oh, that's nice. What's your dog's name?" "Porky." "Why Porky?" "Because he fucks pigs."

Clinton Gets Pissed Off

Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and written in urine was ''The president must go.'' Bill Clinton storms into his office and demaned to know who did it. So his two body guards run out to find out who it was. Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, ''We have some bad news, and we have worse news.'' ''What is the bad news?'' asked Bill. ''Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his vice-president, Al Gore." " Whats the worst news?" asked Bill. The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"

Computer + Ho = ?

Q:  What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute? A:  A Fucking-Know-It-All.

Catching Your Parents Playing Cards

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex and says, “Oh no! What are you doing?” His father tells him, “We're playing cards and your mother is my wild card.” A week after that he walks in on his father masturbating. He says, “Oh my goodness! What are you doing?” His father says, “I'm playing cards.” “Where's your wild card?” the boy asks. His father replies, “Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand.”

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