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Construction Code

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw". The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, "What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!" The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, "I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming."

Deaf-Mute Sex

A young deaf-mute couple got married. At first they had sex with the lights all on, otherwise, they would not see what one would tell the other in sign language. One day the woman asked, "Can't we try to make love with the lights off?" The man said, "Okay, but how will you know when I want to make love to you?" The woman said, "Well, when you're in the mood, just shake my left breast once, and I'll know. If you don't want to, shake my right breast once." The man said, "All right. And if you want to make love to me, shake my penis once, if you do not want to make love to me, shake my penis about fifty times, ok?"

A man goes into a supermarket...

A man goes into a supermarket and buys a six-pack, a bag of potato chips, and a frozen pizza. The girl at the register smiles at him and says, "Single, huh?" Sarcastically the guy says, "Yeah. How'd you guess, genius?" Without missing a beat she says, "Because you're fucking ugly

Afternoon Delight

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie, with their ten-year-old son around, was to get him to report on neighborhood activities from the balcony. They thought that spying would happily distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance just drove by." A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks like the Andersons have company." And then, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are screwing." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Chicken Even Further Across the Road

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did she go to the other side? To go to the pub. Why did she go to the pub? To go to the toilet. Why did she go to the toilet? Because that's where all the cocks hang out!

Golf Lessons

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range. The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says, ''Not bad.'' Golf pro: ''Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast.'' The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, ''Excellent!'' Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards. Golf pro: ''Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick.'' She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golf pro: ''Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth.''

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