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What I Have Lost

How can I lose what I never had?

I was rejected before I was born.
There was no name for me.
I lost acceptance.

My mother was still a child emotionally.
She did not know how to love.
I lost a mother's nurturing love.

My father saw me as an extension of himself.
He knew no boundaries.
I was his from early infancy.
I lost my innocence.

My little body was put through torture.
To survive, I left my body.
I lost my wholeness.

Children are to be seen and not heard.
Emotions are NEVER to be shown.
I lost the ability to express my feelings.

At two, I announced I would never get married.
I knew what married people had to do.
I lost my virginity.

I grew up knowing that I was a boy, trapped in a girl's body.
I hated being a girl.
I lost my femaleness.

My right brain thinking and
My handedness were not allowed.
I lost my sense of me - ness.

Nothing I attempted met approval.
I finally quit trying.
I lost my self - esteem.

My feelings were completely denied.
I was told how I felt.
I lost my ability to feel.

None of my "friends" were ever good enough,
According to my parent's standards.
I became a loner.
I lost socialization skills.

My parents did not protect me from harm.
I was used.
I lost the ability to trust.

My father said he loved me, as he hurt me.
My mother said she loved me, as she pushed me away.
I lost the ability or desire to be intimate.

My father was emotionally abusive.
My mother hovered between the scenes.
I lost the opportunity to grow up in a healthy family.

My father denies any wrongdoing.
My mother is silent.
I lost my family of origin.

I am plagued with flashbacks.
I suffer from self-imposed isolation.
I lost my will to live.

I am separated from my husband.
My children live with him.
I lost my role in life.

I am consumed with my past.
I struggle to survive.
I am lost.

ã 06/20/92 JoMarie etal

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Home Page	Top of Page
What I Have Lost	A Soul Extinguished
The Forest	Closed Doors

A Soul Extinguished

He caressed me
He enfolded me
He possessed me

He engulfed me
He consumed me
He defined me

He loved me
As if I were:
His face
His hands
His very self

He was and is
My father

© 06/20/92 JoMarie etal

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Home Page	Top of Page
What I Have Lost	A Soul Extinguished
The Forest	Closed Doors

The Forest

Sun filtering
Through Branches of
Towering giants

Animals peering out from
Numerous hiding places,
Secure from intruders

I the trespasser,
Their home
My refuge

Footprints soon gone,
Absorbed by the
Damp forest blanket

Curiosity overcomes fear,
Protective crevices open,
Forrest creatures venture forth

Surrounded by cool air,
Saturated with droplets
Of serenity

A small clearing before me,
The mouth of an old homey tree
Behind me,
Safety

A place of acceptance
First through curiosity
Then, by right of being

Relaxation stolen for a moment,
Basking in the freedom of being me

Safety from the judging eyes
Owned by the mass of humanity

Peaceful coexistence

© 1997 JoMarie etal

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Home Page	Top of Page
What I Have Lost	A Soul Extinguished
The Forest	Closed Doors

Closed Doors

Windows open wide
I age 1000 years to your one

Secrets hidden
Your attentions unbidden
I fly towards a spot on the sun

Body degraded
My boundaries invaded
I become many while you remain one

Seeking freedom
Memory fibers unspun
I relive past invasions one by one

Your decree
Do not be
My struggle to live not yet done

Doors unlocked
My memories unblocked
I am free from your bondage
My life has begun

© 1997 JoMarie etal

Go To
Home Page	Top of Page
What I Have Lost	A Soul Extinguished
The Forest	Closed Doors

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