1. Are you serious?
Are the Spice Girls talented?
2. Isn't Bill Shatner Canadian?
3. So...um...isn't that kind of a problem? I thought presidents had to be born in the United States.
We encourage you to vote for Bill despite the apparent futility of the act. Since we anticipate the underhanded coup of the Commonwealth Conspiracy (tm) any day now, this will not be an issue due to the accompanying state of Canadian World Domination (tm).
4.What's the Commonwealth Conspiracy?
Once upon a time on thealt.tv.x-files newsgroup, a particularly persistent militia spammer insisted on sending mass messages about the dangers of (1) flouride, (2) microwaves, and (3) the U.N.
Considering that the U.N. can neither settler difference sin a msllish corner of Eastern Europe, nor pay its own parking tickets, great hilarity ensued at the prospect of its taking over the world.
However, when Tim Stine and the Sons-of-Spammerty (oops, I meant "Liberty") sent out another mass message with the news about the exact way that U.N. world domination would be accomplished, it got even better. Apparently, the logic goes something like this:
(1) Great Britain is a powerful member of the U.N. (2)Britain has restrictive gun laws; so does Canada, which is (3) a member of the Commonwealth and therefore obviously controlled by Britain ( are you still following this?) And so,(4) NAFTA (North American Free Trade Act) is therefore just a plot by the UN to impose British gun laws on the United States!
Suddenly, it all made sense.
Thanks to the enlightenment of this lone wacko, we could finally understand the purpose of a monarch: to personally confiscate everyone's guns!All Hail the Mighty Queen! (and hand over your gun, bucko!)
Dear heavens, how did we ever live without the conpiracy theorists of usenet?
5. So what's the Commonwealth Conspiracy's Agenda, again?
1. Handwashing and good dental hygiene
2. Looking both ways before crossing the street
3. Discounts for senior citizens
4. Total and complete Canadian World Domination(tm)
Oh, and did I forget?
5. OK...you've got me interested. What are Bill's qualifications?
He's an amiable, seasoned, well-known actor of dubious talent and artificially-enhanced hair. (We know, it's been done before.)
6. What essential attributes can Bill bring to this job?
Frankly, most politicians labour under some kind of illusion that they matter, and that being President of the United States will allow them to Change The World.Bill is different!
Bill is used to working under the real conditions that affect U.S. presidents: crazed fans and foes will stalk you, nothing you say has any effect on polity at home or abroad, everyone makes fun of you and and your popularity ratings rise in direct proportion to your hamminess. Perfect!
7. Are you still serious? Or are you putting me on?
Is George Lucas brilliant? Or is he just a money-hungry businessman trying to milk a cash cow for all it's worth?
8. Why doesn't Bill run as a Republican or a Democrat?
Look, William Shatner has taken a lot of abuse over the years. But he still has some sense of pride!
9. Is the Shatner Party Left or Right?
Are the Democrats getting to be more like the Republicans or are the Republicans getting to be more like the Democrats?
10. Hey, I really want to know...how do you define your politics?
Neo-liberal, quasi-libertarian, and shamelessly libertine.
11. Do you stand for anything?
In a Captain Kirk/Pierre Trudeau kinda way, we think the government has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. And sometimes the nation has no business in the bedrooms of government.
In an Admiral Kirk/David Suzuki kinda way, we'd like to save the whales and the rest of the life forms on the planet before we destroy ourselves.
In a T.J. Hooker/Jean Chretien kinda way, we'd like to just slug the folks who are always whining about how lousy things are and who don't try to actually get out and do something about it.
In a Rescue!911/Generally Canadian kinda way, we'd like to see a few more dollars spent on providing health services rather than on kickbacks to drug companies and HMO's, because a truly healthy populace benefits everybody, (and actually saves us money in the long run.)
In a Big Giant Head/Brian Mulroney kinda way, we'd just like everyone to bow down and acknowledge our superior wisdom, dammit!
Oops. I guess we can only be statesman-like for so long. Er, look, we'd like to take the George W. Bush approach: Just vote for us 'cause our candidate's cute and amiable and he will win! We'll wait until after the election to come up with a platform, if ya don't mind.
12. Does Bill Shatner know about this?
We were thinking we would just wait until he won the election and then break it to him.
13. I can't believe you have wasted time on this. Why don't you just get! A! Life!!!
At last...you comprehend the wisdom of the One! Welcome to the Shatner Way!
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