Karma

hmmm..
01/01/01

the rain inspired me and i wrote the first poem of my life. here it is:

The mist lifts
The storm has gone
Beautiful shades of blue
Tear through the grey
The crickets lavish in sunlight once more
And serenade us
Deep in the bush
You can hear the thick melody
Of the orchestra of birds straining to be heard
An unmistakable smell radiates from every living creature
And the dust settles
The sweet scent clings to your nostrils
And you inhale it in deep
The sky is a hundred shades of blue now
And the vast grassland is dotted with acacias and cacti
Colour sneaks into the earth tones
And explodes in vivid visions,
Gracing the bush veld with glorious performances.
The shadows shrink
And you are aware of the sweat on your nose…
But you stand still
Unable to shatter the magic
That draws you so fully to its beauty.
Breathe.
The air is heavy with rain
And you feel it on your skin
Enveloping you in the wet fleece blanket of the South African summer

Every blade of grass,
Every leaf sparkles and gives praise for the water
The animals sound their calls
And rush to the watering holes
To receive the gift
Which had for so long been denied
And made the cracked ground barren and stingy

Birds rejoice!
The elephants trumpet
The zebra stamp their hoofs
The mighty lions roar with their thanks
The rains have come again and you can feel it.
Every tree dances
And everything is sleepy once more.

mondays
01/01/01

Insane mutterings
Hopeless existence
Unreasoned carnage
Freakish batterings
Fatal provocation

overcast
01/02/01

She cowers under a cloud of pretence
So thick with lies it is black
The rain falls
And she turns into what she believes herself to be
I fear the storm
And I miss her sunshine

Immortal Despise
01/02/01 10:33 PM

his tyrrany
seething
crumbling the structure of my mind
hatred
every cell in my body
scorches me with white hot fire
spitting
fuming
almost choking on my despise
gasping
i bring the blade to my wrists
but i dont even feel the blood pumping

ode to a loved one
01/03/01 01:02 PM

She always listened to the news
The bad stories made her feel good
About her sad and broken life
She’d relive it if she could.

Comfort lay in knowing
That her life was not the worst
Although that’s how it felt sometimes
Like she had been cursed

She had no home to live in
She had no food to eat
No one there to help her
To get her off the street

She did have a family once
To them she meant the world
For these people a greater blow
Could not have been unfurled

For their daughter was sent to prison
For possession of cocaine
They could not accept this
They felt they were to blame

She was released eventually
But she was too stubborn and too brave
She couldn’t go home and face them
So now they visit at her grave.

my dam wall
01/03/01 10:57 PM

The dam wall is patched up from the leaks
It was never a strong wall
And spilled over with the tears of cuts and scrapes
From falling off my bike.

As the tears flowed less and less
Heavier with more pain and meaning
I closed the wall up forever
With it, I trapped my feelings inside
And withdrew to keep the wall secure.
Alone sometimes, it springs a silent leak
Which no one sees or tends to.
Lonely dripping

Lowering the wall would mean exposing the water
Standing independently for a split second
Before it all came crashing down

Would he build a wall to hold the dam of my mistrust?
Can I lower the years of careful building?
Exposing my life
Forfeiting my independence?

need
01/04/01 02:41 PM

The rush
I’m biting my lip
My body is submissive
My mind is obsessive
The need is overwhelming
It pins me down under false pretences
I feed it
It indulges me
I can taste blood

chains
01/05/01 01:30 PM

I am stagnant in expectations
A decided future
Of which I am obligated
No escape from here
Only futile attempts
Dancing in my chains
I can never forfeit
A constant trend…
Follow it to survive

decayed hopes.
01/09/01 05:51 AM

A disappointment as vast as every possibility
For each moment
Of every day

A soul crushing,
Life changing blow to my very being.
Unexpectedly being drowned in my own pool of hope

A let down of the most bruising kind...

I really expected more of my tuna sandwich!

--Ok, sorry to do this to u again, but I was VERY bored. lol--

karma

forlorn
Posted on 01/14/01 01:16 PM

Refused my dignity
I fade to a silent song
Quietly
Still and forlorn
Yet an overwhelming sense of understanding
And curiosity
For death and all her confusions

Light
Light as air
Floating to the new level of pain
Leaving my body
Of abuse
To amuse itself
While I hurriedly rush to insanity

Glorious divine!
Please forget my mere existence
Let me alone
To indulge in misery
Rocking back and forth

Please yourself
Take my soul
Take my body
Spare my mind to toil for eternity

identity login
01/20/01 07:52 PM
lying on my bed
a sunken ship in boredom
hated
admired
hiding
pretending
music cannot penetrate my thoughts
sanity cannot penetrate my thoughts
I cannot penetrate my thoughts
who am I
lying on my bed

global burden
01/21/01 03:14 PM

With the entire world
Balanced uncertainly on top of my head
It slips now and then,
But I pick it up, my back breaking

Alone, just my duty

A secret, precariously held
Sometimes slipping,
Covered up
Carried silently again

Alone
But I do it for you

too tired
01/28/01 11:14 PM

When can I begin to say that it’s passed now?
The inferno of hatred and loneliness,
And sigh with relief, still and serene?
Every time I think I see land,
I realize it a mirage.
My broken heart splits at the seams once again,
Waiting to be sewn up and then ripped and shredded
How long can I survive on these lean scraps of hope?
Starving and weakening
Collapsing in pain.
When can I look back? The road is so far and steep,
And I’m stuck at the bottom.
I’m just going to give up and walk away.
I’ve seen too many journeys

stop it
02/01/01 07:20 PM

he summons his demons
to drag me down to hell
kicking
snap
suddenly limp
I wake up in a cold sweat

Valentine's Day
02/14/01

Dozens of red roses,
proclamations of undying love
light headed
light hearted
the only thing on your mind is
fluffy, smooch pictures of bears
and picnics with champagne
spending hours of giggling on the phone,
while I, my dears,
will be alone!

WAH!!!!!!
lol,
happy Valentine's day to everyone.
luvvvvs
Karma

what did i do?
02/20/01

havent posted anything 4 ages! i missed u all, but ive had a weird time, so, not much suitable without an age restriction...lol. anyway, a less vicious one...

Am I the splintered crucifix
Wreaking sin?

Life sucking shadow
Soul slashing eyes?

Does evil bubble in my blood?
It must.
That’s the only possible reason
For the barrier between us

The peaceful idol, asleep on his pedestal
The reaper, gazing up and pointing her arrows of fire.
Shooting him down

He turns for comfort to the dew-eyed, smirking maiden
For the comfort
I want to give it,
Though I made him seethe with hate for me

Or so it seems.

I walk sulkily away
But under my blood encrusted robes,
I shed a single tear.

Your melody
02/22/01

I love your song
Its tune prances around in my head
All day it remains there
And plays happily with my thoughts
And they are content for the company.

Your song
Which saved me from discarding my own
With my moderately catchy tune
And so-so lyrics
But I wrote it for you
And you are deaf when I play it
Even though I tuned it to yours
A melody you would enjoy
But you seem to hate my verses

Others whistle fragments of their own songs at me,
But I only whistle yours
With a bounce in my step
A melody in my mind
I waltz through the day
Dancing with you in my dreams

Then I see you with her
And my orchestra stops paying
And abandons me
I cant breathe
The lyrics are for her
And will never be for me

My song starts to die
And I want to join it
But I close my ears
i try to dream
and a familiar melody crawls into my mind
and we dance again.

Lucky Beans
02/25/01

I wrote this over 2 days, I thought it was an interesting contrast and a sudden change of moods.

YESTERDAY:
Bashing around in "civilization"
Faceless drivers
Ghost carts
Creeping malice
Laughing ignorance
The tired world
Incessantly scratching
Secretly stabbing
And eating me alive.

TODAY:
Lions peacefully sleeping
The eye of the storm
Constantly ticking
Patiently waiting
Inevitable disappointment
But I might have found my lucky beans
And I'm smiling for a while

Betrayed by a "Friend"
03/21/01

An acted smile
A false feeling of happiness
A warm bundle of snow
And you are not my friend

I hope you’ll be happy
Laughing and joyous
Knowing that you killed me
“but it’s fine”
I stood by while you dug a grave
And I refused to be like you
So I let it become my own

And now all I can do is grimace
Pretend it doesn’t hurt
To you and myself
I try to fantasize that feeling of honest happiness
You watched me enjoy
Then you pushed me in a coffin
Sealed my defiance
And shoveled the last spadefull with my own smile

Till Death Do Us Rest
03/29/01

Suffocation
Blood sports called love
Death is life
Slaves to a dream
Forced upon us
Like a pillow
Smothering
Kicking until acceptance
We all give in eventually
Fight against it,
Breath in the freedom
Then die of the pollution in it

Sidetracked on our destination
Of the graveyard
By our minds
Trying to delay the inevitability
Foolishly,
Dying from birth
And crying all the way
Reluctantly dragged by death’s bony hand
To eternal REST

Play Nice
04/30/01
Violent pangs in my stomach
Sobbing for a reason unknown
Dreams of bliss
But confusion

A silly daze
I feel alone
But so close to you all the same
Longing for your eyes
Your soul
Your warmth
Don’t make me love you
If you don’t intend on doing the same.

I know this feeling
My heart beats so fast I think it will explode
Then I get thrown down
Like a temporary pastime

Suddenly my heart stops
And I’m glad
Because I cant breath
And I don’t want to see anymore
I fall into myself
And miserably need you.

lose anyway
04/30/01

The angel whispers
Quietly to herself
While she tries not to think too much

Swallowed whole
Fell hard
She will bleed but not right now

Crazy in her happiness
She doesn’t notice she’s on fire

Floating on bliss
Unawares she’s dragging hell
And when she realizes, its too late
She falls into the pit with no struggle
Leaden heart sunk

The angel lies at the bottom of the seas
She doesn’t want to release her heavy heart
Although its drowning her.

Rather drown than fall again.

zombie
05/02/01
I bow and stutter before you
I fall to my knees in awe
I have no comeback to what you’ve done

The time is painfully constant
I want to shatter it
and send the world reeling

then I wont feel so awkward
around people with beating hearts
and I have just a hollow space in my chest.

Head banging to the sound of my own screaming
An empty canister in the oxygen mask
Grab a bouquet of arteries and pull them out like wires

I wont feel it

Eat my soul
Pull out my heart and squeeze it, still beating
Drain it and then put it in a blender...

...oh wait, you already did