But you ever find little epiphanies in your life?
You know what I mean... something completely routine or normal suddenly brings out strong emotions?
Tonight was one day for me.... bare with me...
I was watching one of my favorite movies, "American President" *yeah, I’m a weirdo, sue me*
And I LOVE his last speech at the end.... well written, strong, and he looks right at you...
Well, He was finishing his speech and I sudden yelled out, "yeah! Hell yeah!" and turned to the person to my right for support and to say something witty...
And I remembered, I’m alone. Does that ever happen to you?
I am alone, watching a video at home. However, that's not it... I see movies alone. I go out to eat alone. The other day I was cruising the mall alone and played Putt Putt alone...
I do EVERYTHING alone because the friends I used to have have all moved or become junkies... or shafted me. My ex is in California with another boyfriend that she had two weeks before we broke up... my family is on the other side of town with their own lives and I have a $500 phone bill from my desperate attempts for actual human voices....
The nearest online buddy to me has felt me pressuring them to visit, or let me visit. When they are RIGHT! I have realized I mention it almost every time we talked, and now we don't talk...
I'm lonely. But not just lonely... Terminally Lonely... I just broke down right there on the couch, in front of the TV...and felt horrible.
I'm so tired of being alone that I traveled 1700 miles to be with someone who said they "loved" me even though I knew, in my heart, they didn't....
I spend a massive portion of my income on "going out" to be around people, even if they care less about me...
When all I want to do is watch a video, or have pizza, or even just hang with someone.... someone who wants to be with me.
So I cried.... and cried... I'm dry now I think. And I’m sure the "manly men" here will flame me..
In my entire life, if you took all the time I’ve officially been "dating" someone... it adds up to a little over a year. And I’ll be 28 next month.
Something always happens. And I’m alone again. I don't feel codependent as you have to attach to someone for that... but I AM desperate I think.
Am I such a horrible person that no one can stand me for long? Everyone says what a nice person I am. How come it's always the ones a million miles away that say that? It's easier...
So here I sit. Not even on icq right now. Because I'm all sniffles...
It's even raining. Normally the rain is erotic to me. Where I can feel all the electricity in the air... tonight, it seems heavy and sad. Maybe it's my poetic license (up to date of course) that puts my moods into nature. Or maybe, just maybe, nature cries with me?
Maybe.
And maybe I'm not an idiot.
But I'm tired of being alone.
