FoundLost

Found and Lost

We’d been talking on the phone for almost a year.

I’d helped her through a couple of bad relationships and she’d walked with me through my disaster with my horrible ex. We’d shared so much that you’d think we’d become one person. However, every time we speak it is a new conversation, a new chance, and a new story. We just couldn’t get enough of each other. When my family problems were going over my head, she was the first I called. When her ex tried to destroy her self-esteem, I was the one to whom she ran. We were special to each other.

And we’d never met.

Standing here, in Buffalo, waiting to see her come around the corner is the longest five minutes of my life. We cannot believe I’m here. We are finally going to meet and see what can develop. I’m terrified.

A million fantasies flow through my head. The kind of fantasies you’d only have for “the one”. Fantasies of the future; her head in my lap at home watching videos, laying together half awake not daring to sleep and ruin the moment, coming home to her voice, and hearing her call me from another room to see something she found interesting. I had dreams of just being able to spend time together and forget about life’s troubles and problems. I did not want to delude myself. Often, people are different in person and connections made are often mirages and illusions. I was terrified. I half wanted to run away and keep what we had, rather than her see me for what I am and lose our closeness.

I am an idiot.

We only have eight hours. I will have to live or die in her eyes in eight hours. I begin to shake. The goddess walks by and looks into my eyes. I calmly check my watch and pretend not to recognize her. She gives me a funny look and walks around the corner. And I watch her. I want to run to her and kiss her. I want to hug her from behind. I want to hide with a thousand wishes unfulfilled yet one dream kept a dream. But, when she walks by again, and catches my eye, I cannot help but smile. And I am caught. In everyway one can be caught, I am.

I am no longer nervous.

Her eyes show compassion, kindness, and a spark of excited discovery. In them I am no longer afraid. This is my princess I’ve known for a year. There is no hidden person. It’s her. I start to tremble with emotions so I don’t hug her for a few seconds. She giggles and I feel completely at ease. “So, where do you want to eat?” Her question catches me off guard. I could just stare at her forever, but I compose myself. “Oh, uh, um…. Right here?”, pointing at where we were. She giggles again.

I am completely taken.

Lunch passes quickly with nervous silence on her part and my easy banter. She blushes at various buttons I know of from our talks, and proceeds to relax a bit. I have a sudden desire to kiss her but forcibly stop myself. I do not want to scare her away. Lunch passes quickly after that.

We walk through the mall aimlessly catching up and reliving our excitement to finally meet. She is as bubbly as I figured and I’m slowly falling for her in every way. I hope she doesn’t notice. I hope she does.

We nearly see a movie, but soon realize our time limit and want to spend it talking instead. A woman after my own heart, I wish. In talking about life we eventually get to my specialty: emotions. And I take the queue to demonstrate my purr in her ear. Her hair flows through my hands like silk and I feel her entire body shiver and she exclaims “Goose bumps!” I nearly lose my breath. Taking her hand I begin to talk about the lack of male tenderness in a lame excuse to touch her and caress her hand. I think she knows, but I have a feeling she wanted me to. It must be fifteen minutes of just touching and caressing our hands and her face. I take away her headache for a moment through sheer touch.

This must be heaven.

The mall begins to close and we reluctantly walk to her car. She decides to walk to the pharmacy to buy something for her head. I feel it’s an excuse to just spend more time together. It is a beautiful night and the stars are out when a sudden desire to kiss her overwhelms me for a moment. I think I hide it well. Various things go through my head; the primary thought is a fear of losing her in less than an hour. Images of my budding loneliness consume me for a few moments and I suddenly feel alone again. I take an unexpected moment to suddenly embrace her from behind. I can feel her shake a little and lean back against me. I hope I’ve not overstepped my bounds. It takes a minute to let go, and I have another desire to turn her around and kiss her. Thankfully my will power is still intact, though barely.

The night is almost at an end. Once again, I’m terrified.

During the walk back to her car we say about seven goodbyes. My head is pounding and a voice screams to just take her in my arms and not let go. I’m not sure why I don’t, but I feel it’s not time. We have always had a hard time actually leaving after a goodbye, so we spend nearly another hour at her car just chatting and regretting the parting. I have fleeting urges to kiss her once more. I move in close, feeling her breath hear my face. And I turn my head at the last moment so I kiss her cheek. She replies in kind with a strange look on her face.

I am an idiot.

Finally time creeps up to the point where she will soon be in trouble from her parents for coming home so late. And she still has a two-hour drive. I have to drive eight hours to my friend’s hours, then, on the morrow, I must drive for almost three days to get home. I know she will be in my thoughts the whole time and I relish the future memory. I wish so much she was going with me. But one can’t gaze too long at the sun.

Finally we part with the same, age-old, promises to keep in touch and maybe plan a future visit. I stare hopelessly as I walk down the hill. I feel I may never see her again and that I’ve lost the best thing I’ve never had. Goodbye my princess. If we never meet again, you will always be with me. And you will ever have my heart, though you may never know. And I have one, major, regret.

I never did kiss you.